Gamers: Do the non-gamers in your life understand you? (rant)

[Carnifex]

Well, my gf doesn't game, but she's fine with me gaming, including rp'ing, computer gaming, wargaming...

I guess she's just a very nice person But also she's into fantasy stuff as well, likes LotR, Harry Potter, etc. I haven't tried to get her into gaming because I don't think she's really interested at all, but the thing is that she accepts me being a gamer and doesn't make fun of my hobbies or insult me for them. This is a good thing

 

[Jürgen Hubert]

My parents thought RPGs are weird. They still do, I guess, but I think now they are relieved that I have some kind of social life.

And I also think the fact that some of my works have been accepted in English-language publications has impressed them - especially since we are German.

 

[buzz]

Another S.O. tale... with a happy ending!

Like a lot of people, I had been on a hiatus from gaming before 3e came out. After that, I started buying game books and reading them almost to the exclusion of anything else (hey, I had a lot of catching up to do).

My wife (my finacee then) was initially concerned. She had gamed with me once a few months prior to this at an annual "vintage RPG" night hosted by a mutual friend. Other than that night, she was convinced that RPGs were for "kids" and my spending a lot of time reading rule books was somehow a sign that I was regressing.

We sat down one day to talk about it and things got a bit huffy. I think that I was already feeling a little "dorky" about gaming, and her "picking on me" made me a bit over-defensive. I posted to r.g.f.dnd around that time (March 2001, iirc) and started an interesting thread about gaming and S.O.s.

Thankfully, this ended up being a one-time complication. I explained that gaming was really more of an adult hobby, even if it was a bit geeky. It was something I really enjoyed, and heck, I was reading more than I had been in years. She explained that she just wanted to understand more about the hobby and why it was so important to me. She wanted to know that I wasn't "escaping" from reality, which is the usual concern for those not in the know.

Now, her attitude is simply, "Ah, my spouse and his wacky hobbies." She realizes that this is really no different from being a dedicated sports fan, model railroader, HAM radio enthusiast, or any of a multitude of niche hobbies. Heck, she even got really into a MSHRPG game we played at "vintage" night last year, as she got to be Wonder Woman (don't ask), and she loves Wonder Woman.

Not to mention, she's become quite a big ST:TNG fan, as well as a Celtic spirituality buff; both of these tend to gel pretty well with all my comic books and fantasy games. I haven't ever asked her for RPGs as gifts, though I'm sure I could, seeing as her number one gift wish this year was for the complete first season of Highlander on DVD.

Anyway, I think the upshot of this is: don't just vent about this on ENWorld. Sit down with your wife and talk about how you feel. Explain that while gaming isn't a bigger priority in your life than her or your family (which it certainly shouldn't be), it's a fun thing you really enjoy doing, as well as a legitimate adult pursuit. And let her voice what it is that bothers her about the hobby. Try to see if you can allay her fears.

If your wife is a reasonable person, she should be able to, at least, cut you some slack. Perhaps she'll even be willing to give it a try, if only to get a better idea of what it is you do when you game.

If she can't, well... you're venturing into an area where marriage advice from some random guy on the Internet is entirely inappropriate.

 

[Jürgen Hubert]

Re: Another S.O. tale... with a happy ending!

If she can't, well... you're venturing into an area where marriage advice from some random guy on the Internet is entirely inappropriate.

Too true. All too often, when a gamer asks for advice on his relationship on this or other boards, the advice is "dump her".

Not an useful piece of advice in most cases...

 

[Dragonblade]

Interesting thread. I had a girlfriend once who admitted to me she doesn't like Star Wars. That relationship lasted about another week and then it was over.

Now, I'm married and while my wife doesn't game she does understand this hobby is important to me.

When we were first dating I always joked about hanging out with the guys and doing "guy" stuff. Like watching sports. Gradually I got her to include video games in the category of "guy" stuff. And then I threw in fantasy and sci-fi movies.

"C'mon honey I have to go see Lord of the Rings with the guys! Its a guy thing, you know we are little boys at heart, right?" said with a smile and joking manner.

Well once she accepted that I love SF and fantasy movies and video games it was only a short hop to RPGs and she totally accepts all of it now. She even bought me the Psionics Handbook for my birthday two years ago when it first came out. Now, how cool is that?

Recently, I got her hooked on Harry Potter and even Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. She also watches some anime and reads comics and she is starting to play video games with me too.

 

[Guilt Puppy]

I'm 100% single and fine with it, so I'm using close friends as my parallel... Not totally the same dynamic, but adequate:

I have this close friend of mine, non-gamer, who I spend a lot of time with. The other day, I'm around and she decides to go shopping... It'll be a "quick trip," and I have nothing better to do, so I follow.

Dear. God.

She's looking for a hat. Which means she has to try on every hat in every store -- all of which look the same, floppy and silly, each costing about as much as my entire wardrobe. She doesn't get a hat, but she gets a new shirt and a bracelet and earrings, and spends some more time ogling jewelry.

By the time we leave I'm thoroughly nuts with boredom (and communist fervor, but let's not talk politics )

And here's the thing, it's not just the shopping that makes me roll my eyes a little -- it's the parties, the clubs, and the general approach to social situations that comes along with it. It strikes me as silly, and even a little sinister... I do give her a hard time about it, but she knows that I do respect her, without compromise.

So when I poke fun at that part of her lifestyle, she generally laughs with me. When she thumbs through the Monster Manual sitting on my couch and points and laughs, well, so do I.

I guess my point is: It may be important to you, but is it important enough to feel hurt over?

And I'm not trying to rain on anyone's parade, or criticize: Just playing devil's advocate, trying to throw in another perspective, and so forth... Please resume venting: That is always legitimate

 

[Elf Witch]

I have been reading this thread with great intrest. I can understand your frustation. I think you need to talk to your wife, it seems to be that their is more going on than just the fact that you role play. It sounds to be that their is some hidden resentment. Does she feel that you spend to mich time with your role playing buddies and not enough with your family?

As a women I know that a lot of my female friends will often do something like this instead of coming out and saying what they are angry at. The only way to handle this and hope for any king of resloution is to talk.

Good Luck

 

[herald]

All right, this is not a You should break up with your wife post, but...

Why doesn't your wife respect you more?

I'm not talking about slavish devotion, nor am I expectng her to fawn over your desire to game, but the sheer fact that she put off purchacing your christmas present to the last minute, and then wakes you up to help her find it seems not only insensitive, but a tad passive/aggressive.

It sounds like she wanted a little revenge for having to go out and get you your LOTR Risk game.

If she wants to make you get up and help her find it, it's not a gift, its simply an aqusition, not a gift.

My best advice is to sit down and have a talk with her. She should undertand that you are a gamer. You have no plans to stop being a gamer, and that she not only should respect that you are a gamer, that she needs to be supportive of the fact that you are a gamer. If she doesn't, then she is not accepting the person that you are right now.

 

[DDK]

Why do you bother?

I can't believe nobody has brought this up yet in this thread. I'm talking about the fact that you tell each other what you want for Christmas presents. What is the point of that? Why not just go and buy a present for yourself?

I rarely have the opportunity to buy a gift for anyone because I'm so poor. But when I do, I put a great deal of time, effort and most importantly THOUGHT into the process. Giving a gift is as much about a person knowing who you are and caring to put the effort to think about what you like and would want as it is about giving.

God I hate Christmas.

Bah humbug.

 

[buzz]

Does she feel that you spend to mich time with your role playing buddies and not enough with your family?

As a women I know that a lot of my female friends will often do something like this instead of coming out and saying what they are angry at. The only way to handle this and hope for any king of resloution is to talk.

This is an important point, one that I touched upon in my earlier post.

Gaming, as all-consuming and fun as it is, simply cannot take priority over family and earning a living. As a gamer, you need to make it clear to your S.O. that, despite gaming often being a very time-consuming activity, it is not as important to you as they are.

For as much sympathy as I have for Shadowdancer, I also admit to thinking, "Well, after calling around, why didn't you just give up and order the game from somewhere? Why get so bent out of shape about this?"

Your wife obviously has some issue with gaming, so instead of driving all over town to find a copy of LOTR Risk, sit down and find out what the problem really is. You have to listen to her concerns and try and be objective. If her concern is that you already spend too much time gaming, ask yourself "Do I spend too much time gaming?" If she's put off by the mere concept of gaming, address those concerns. Is she laboring under some BADD-esque assumptions about gaming?

Don't just chalk this up to "she doesn't understand." Help her to understand.