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Gamers: Do the non-gamers in your life understand you? (rant)
- Thread starter Shadowdancer
- Start date
Lalato
Adventurer
Thanks for the link Darklance... That's great.
I've been reading this thread with interest because I just recently got back into gaming after a long hiatus.
My fiance, at first, was puzzled by this. I explained how I used to play when I was a kid, how my friends and I would create these massive worlds and campaigns. Finally, I told her... that after years of denial... it was time for me to find my inner geek. She got a real kick out of that line... and it's become a running joke for us.
Something interesting she told me may explain why there are so few female gamers. She recalled wanting to play D&D with her older cousin and his friends. However, they told her that it was a game for boys, and girls shouldn't play.
I've never heard of something more ridiculous. That group of guys were nuts. I never met a girl that wanted to play D&D, but I can guarantee you that my group of friends wouldn't have turned anyone away for being a girl.
I'm with Fourecks on the gift thing. Gifts should come from the heart... based on what you know about that person. I can give my fiance a meaningless bauble for Christmas or her Birthday, but it won't have the same impact as something that I know will make her supremely happy based on what I know about her and her interests. I don't tell anyone what I want for Christmas or Birthdays. I always tell people. Don't give me anything unless you really want to... Otherwise, give me a hug or surprise me with a phone call in the middle of the day.
--sam
I've been reading this thread with interest because I just recently got back into gaming after a long hiatus.
My fiance, at first, was puzzled by this. I explained how I used to play when I was a kid, how my friends and I would create these massive worlds and campaigns. Finally, I told her... that after years of denial... it was time for me to find my inner geek. She got a real kick out of that line... and it's become a running joke for us.
Something interesting she told me may explain why there are so few female gamers. She recalled wanting to play D&D with her older cousin and his friends. However, they told her that it was a game for boys, and girls shouldn't play.
I've never heard of something more ridiculous. That group of guys were nuts. I never met a girl that wanted to play D&D, but I can guarantee you that my group of friends wouldn't have turned anyone away for being a girl.
I'm with Fourecks on the gift thing. Gifts should come from the heart... based on what you know about that person. I can give my fiance a meaningless bauble for Christmas or her Birthday, but it won't have the same impact as something that I know will make her supremely happy based on what I know about her and her interests. I don't tell anyone what I want for Christmas or Birthdays. I always tell people. Don't give me anything unless you really want to... Otherwise, give me a hug or surprise me with a phone call in the middle of the day.
--sam
Buttercup
Princess of Florin
This thread makes me sad.
When two people get married, they have agreed to cherish each other, respect each other, and nurture each other. In the context of this question, here's what that means: If one spouse has a hobby, the other spouse supports and encourages that activity because it makes their beloved happy. It doesn't matter if the hobby is playing the tuba, or tinkering with cars, or playing D&D. If your husband or wife enjoys doing it, then suck it up. Join in if you can, but if you really can't stand the hobby, paste a smile on your face and shut up! You married this person for better or worse. If you can't be kind to them about something that gives them joy, then you need marriage counselling.
I'm sorry if the tone of this post was offensive. I just hate to see spouses being petty with each other.
When two people get married, they have agreed to cherish each other, respect each other, and nurture each other. In the context of this question, here's what that means: If one spouse has a hobby, the other spouse supports and encourages that activity because it makes their beloved happy. It doesn't matter if the hobby is playing the tuba, or tinkering with cars, or playing D&D. If your husband or wife enjoys doing it, then suck it up. Join in if you can, but if you really can't stand the hobby, paste a smile on your face and shut up! You married this person for better or worse. If you can't be kind to them about something that gives them joy, then you need marriage counselling.
I'm sorry if the tone of this post was offensive. I just hate to see spouses being petty with each other.
Shadowdancer
First Post
Well, there have certainly been a lot of responses. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this thread, and thank you to everyone for the suggestions. Maybe this will save me from having to call Dr. Phil. 
You will all be happy to know -- at least I'm happy to know -- that the "Lord of the Rings" edition of Risk is wrapped and sitting beneath our Christmas tree. Monday, my wife called the gaming store in Austin where I originally saw the game -- it was closed on Sunday when we were in Austin trying to find it -- and they had a copy of it. They saved it for her, and she drove down today (Tuesday) to get it.
Some people expressed puzzlement as to why I would tell my wife what present I wanted for Christmas. Well, this is just something we do. We both ask each other if there is something we really want for Christmas, and we each try to get that gift if possible. But that isn't the only gift we give each other. My wife asked for two things -- a jacket and a specific DVD -- and I bought both. Although she won't know until we open the presents that I actually was able to buy them. But I bought her several other gifts she didn't ask for, but which I know she will like. I only told her of two things I wanted -- the Risk game and a specific CD. I only know for sure that she bought the Risk game. There are several packages beneath the tree with my name on them; I have no idea what is in them, but I'm sure I will like all of them.
As to my wife's not understanding why gaming is so important to me, I'm still not sure what the problem is. I don't believe it is resentment over my spending too much time gaming. We try to game once a week, but there are many weeks when other plans or events prevent that. There are even entire months that go by when we don't game, or only get together once a month. I spend a lot of time doing things with my wife. We don't have any children, so it's not like I'm leaving her home to take care of the kids while I'm out having fun. And there are times when she goes out with her co-workers or friends, and I stay at home by myself or go do something with my friends.
In many regards, I feel I'm very lucky to be married to the woman I am. She is a big sports fan -- in many ways, a bigger fan than I am. We have season tickets to University of Texas football and baseball games, which we go to together. And we both are fans of the Texas Rangers baseball team, and go to at least a game a month during the summer. We also watch sports together on TV a lot. In fact, my wife enjoys watching sports on TV more than I do. I prefer to watch sports in person, and sometimes find myself getting bored watching a game on TV. Not my wife -- she gets into the game, even on TV, and yells and curses and throws things.
If she does resent my gaming, the only cause I can think of for the resentment is that I have been gaming for such a long time. My wife has trouble sticking with things that interest her -- except sports. She has hobbies, but she pursues them short of haphazardly. She'll get interested in one thing for a while, then drop it for something else, then might go back to the first thing or might move on to something else again. Most of my hobbies and interests, I've had for awhile. Usually my new ones will grow out of my older interests. For example, I was interested in gaming before we were married. A few years after we got married, I became interested in collecting swords and knives -- this grew out of my interest in gaming and my interest in history.
Another possible reason for my wife not wanting to buy me gaming stuff could be part of her upbringing. Both of her parents were deceased by the time she and I met, but I get the impression that she was raised to be fairly practical. Things you buy should be practical. When I first started collecting swords and knives, she used to get upset with me ever time I bought a new item. "You're going to look funny wearing those knives when it gets cold and you don't have any clothes to wear," she used to say, or, "It's going to be pretty hard to eat that sword when you get hungry." Her family wasn't poor; they weren't rich either, but were fairly well off -- her father was a doctor and her mother didn't have to work. She and I aren't rich, either, but we get by. We have enough money to pay our bills, with a little left over to do things we enjoy.
My wife also is not into fantasy or science fiction. She has no interest in reading it, or watching it on TV or at the movies. She liked the first three "Star Wars" movies, but is not interested in seeing the prequels. She has no interest in seeing any of the LoTR movies. She tried playing D&D a few times, when we first got married, but she didn't like it. Although she was pretty good at it, especially the role-playing part of it. She likes playing characters -- she has appeared in several plays and musicals at our community theater, and is talented -- she can act some, she can dance some, she can sing some.
Well, this is getting pretty long, so I'll stop for now. Thank you again to everyone who offered advice and support, and thank you for caring. Merry Christmas to all of you.
You will all be happy to know -- at least I'm happy to know -- that the "Lord of the Rings" edition of Risk is wrapped and sitting beneath our Christmas tree. Monday, my wife called the gaming store in Austin where I originally saw the game -- it was closed on Sunday when we were in Austin trying to find it -- and they had a copy of it. They saved it for her, and she drove down today (Tuesday) to get it.
Some people expressed puzzlement as to why I would tell my wife what present I wanted for Christmas. Well, this is just something we do. We both ask each other if there is something we really want for Christmas, and we each try to get that gift if possible. But that isn't the only gift we give each other. My wife asked for two things -- a jacket and a specific DVD -- and I bought both. Although she won't know until we open the presents that I actually was able to buy them. But I bought her several other gifts she didn't ask for, but which I know she will like. I only told her of two things I wanted -- the Risk game and a specific CD. I only know for sure that she bought the Risk game. There are several packages beneath the tree with my name on them; I have no idea what is in them, but I'm sure I will like all of them.
As to my wife's not understanding why gaming is so important to me, I'm still not sure what the problem is. I don't believe it is resentment over my spending too much time gaming. We try to game once a week, but there are many weeks when other plans or events prevent that. There are even entire months that go by when we don't game, or only get together once a month. I spend a lot of time doing things with my wife. We don't have any children, so it's not like I'm leaving her home to take care of the kids while I'm out having fun. And there are times when she goes out with her co-workers or friends, and I stay at home by myself or go do something with my friends.
In many regards, I feel I'm very lucky to be married to the woman I am. She is a big sports fan -- in many ways, a bigger fan than I am. We have season tickets to University of Texas football and baseball games, which we go to together. And we both are fans of the Texas Rangers baseball team, and go to at least a game a month during the summer. We also watch sports together on TV a lot. In fact, my wife enjoys watching sports on TV more than I do. I prefer to watch sports in person, and sometimes find myself getting bored watching a game on TV. Not my wife -- she gets into the game, even on TV, and yells and curses and throws things.
If she does resent my gaming, the only cause I can think of for the resentment is that I have been gaming for such a long time. My wife has trouble sticking with things that interest her -- except sports. She has hobbies, but she pursues them short of haphazardly. She'll get interested in one thing for a while, then drop it for something else, then might go back to the first thing or might move on to something else again. Most of my hobbies and interests, I've had for awhile. Usually my new ones will grow out of my older interests. For example, I was interested in gaming before we were married. A few years after we got married, I became interested in collecting swords and knives -- this grew out of my interest in gaming and my interest in history.
Another possible reason for my wife not wanting to buy me gaming stuff could be part of her upbringing. Both of her parents were deceased by the time she and I met, but I get the impression that she was raised to be fairly practical. Things you buy should be practical. When I first started collecting swords and knives, she used to get upset with me ever time I bought a new item. "You're going to look funny wearing those knives when it gets cold and you don't have any clothes to wear," she used to say, or, "It's going to be pretty hard to eat that sword when you get hungry." Her family wasn't poor; they weren't rich either, but were fairly well off -- her father was a doctor and her mother didn't have to work. She and I aren't rich, either, but we get by. We have enough money to pay our bills, with a little left over to do things we enjoy.
My wife also is not into fantasy or science fiction. She has no interest in reading it, or watching it on TV or at the movies. She liked the first three "Star Wars" movies, but is not interested in seeing the prequels. She has no interest in seeing any of the LoTR movies. She tried playing D&D a few times, when we first got married, but she didn't like it. Although she was pretty good at it, especially the role-playing part of it. She likes playing characters -- she has appeared in several plays and musicals at our community theater, and is talented -- she can act some, she can dance some, she can sing some.
Well, this is getting pretty long, so I'll stop for now. Thank you again to everyone who offered advice and support, and thank you for caring. Merry Christmas to all of you.
Darkness
Hand and Eye of Piratecat [Moderator]
Re: Why do you bother?
When I give someone a gift, though, I'll do my very best to let it have some meaning other than "it's Christmas/your birthday/whatever, here's your obligatory gift."
That's my take on gifts as well; I rarely buy anyone just a random thing because there's some holiday or other.Fourecks said:
When I give someone a gift, though, I'll do my very best to let it have some meaning other than "it's Christmas/your birthday/whatever, here's your obligatory gift."
William Ronald
Explorer
Shadowdancer,
I am glad that everything worked out well for you.
I think one of the problems some people have about gaming is a lack of knowledge about it. Sadly, there are a lot of misperceptions about our hobby.
I have had little problem from people in my life over gaming, except for an aunt who for a while seemed to buy the line that Jack Chick and company try to sell. Fortunately, she is past that point.
Perhaps the most important aspects of a relationship are respect, honesty, and acceptance. I think this is the best way to deal with the issue of gaming. All of us have our own eccentricities, and perhaps we all can learn to accept that which we do not understand. (For example, I have very little interest in sports, but I do not knock other people's hobbies.)
I am glad that everything worked out well for you.
I think one of the problems some people have about gaming is a lack of knowledge about it. Sadly, there are a lot of misperceptions about our hobby.
I have had little problem from people in my life over gaming, except for an aunt who for a while seemed to buy the line that Jack Chick and company try to sell. Fortunately, she is past that point.
Perhaps the most important aspects of a relationship are respect, honesty, and acceptance. I think this is the best way to deal with the issue of gaming. All of us have our own eccentricities, and perhaps we all can learn to accept that which we do not understand. (For example, I have very little interest in sports, but I do not knock other people's hobbies.)
mythago
Hero
As another married person, I have to agree with the folks who are saying that the problem is NOT gamer vs. non-gamer. The problem is something else in your relationship.
I don't know whether it's resentment, your wife being obtuse, or some hideous marital turmoil seething below a placid surface. But when one spouse's attitude is "I think [your beloved hobby] is stupid, and I wouldn't buy you [hobby item] as a gift because I think it's stupid," you have a real problem. It means that your spouse is putting his or her opinions (This hobby is stupid) above your feelings (But getting a stupid hobby book would make my spouse very happy).
Third-hand on the Internet, all I can say is that you guys need to hash out THAT issue--the lack of empathy and respect--whether in a cozy chat or with a mediator like a friend or marriage counselor, that's something you would know best.
Lol. But swords ARE practical! When the world ends and civilization as we know it crumbles, you can use your sword to kill people who have food and clothes!Shadowdancer said:
I LIKE SWORDS! www.nuklearpower.com
Shadowdancer
First Post
Fourecks said:
My sentiments exactly! Not to mention their value as trade items.
Villano
First Post
Drawmack said:
I don't mean to hijack this thread with shameless shilling, but I saw that Drawmack is looking for a Ravenloft d20.
Did you get one, yet? I have one I'm looking to sell or trade. The game I originally bought it for went the homebrew route. No sense hanging onto it now.
Here's my link to the post I made in the Marketplace section:
http://enworld.cyberstreet.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=34269
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