Gaming, Adults, and Growing Up

[pawsplay]

Here's the good advice.

On Marriage, from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

 

[pawsplay]

I agree that recognizing our differences in interests is great and that I should work towards helping her enjoy her hobbies and her help me enjoy mine. Although I must say that she doesn't have any hobbies really. She records and watches TV shows but that's about it besides school work.

... What? No hobbies?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Err, I mean... Have you considered what it would be like to be responsible for entertaining and fulfilling such a person for the duration of your lives?

 

[Diamond Cross]

The sum of all equals is not necessarily equivalent to all of its parts.

 

[fba827]

You could always just sing the Toys R Us commercial "Toys R Us Kid", but change the lyrics to "RPG Kid"

"I don't wanna grow up, I'm a R-P-G kid. A million roles to choose from, that I can play with. From books to dice and video games, its the biggest gen-re there is. GEE WIZ! I don't wanna grow up, cuz baby if I did....I wouldn't be a R-P-G kid!"

(okay, a bard I am not )

Edit: For anyone who didn't watch TV in the US during the 80s, Toys R Us had a series of comercials that had a variation on the Toys R Us kid song. It was an infectious marketing song that still haunts my brain to this day One example of the commercial/song is at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJJ-ZLdrTwY

 

[Werebat]

... What? No hobbies?

eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Err, I mean... Have you considered what it would be like to be responsible for entertaining and fulfilling such a person for the duration of your lives?

Yeah, I had thought this, too. You do NOT want to be someone's entertainment system.

Well, not all the time, anyway...

- Ron ^*^

 

[I'm A Banana]

To set the stage for this I'd like to say that I am a 21 year old University Student and that I am of course a gamer and a "nerd".

I recently went out with my girlfriend, who within the next year I will be engaged to, and somehow the topic game up that she thinks that I am too wrapped up in all my "games", as she puts them, and that she thinks that eventually I need to grow up and leave that stuff behind.

I was rather bothered by this as being a gamer, being a "nerd" is part of who I am, and I told her that gaming was something I would be doing in one form or another for the rest of my life. She wasn't too thrilled by this, but we got to the mall and our discussion turned elsewhere.

I'm wondering how other people how dealt with a situation like this, where gaming is considered a non-adult thing to do and you just need to grow up. How do other people react to this sort of attitude?

Without reading the rest of the comments:

The big thing is that it is part of who you are now, and she should, I think, accept who you are now, like who you are now, and encourage you to be whatever will make you happy.

And you should do the same: encourage her to be whatever makes her happy.

She doesn't get to come into a relationship and start setting parameters on who or what you can be. You're not clay to be molded into a shape that she desires, you're a person, and she should understand that you get to decide what you do as you grow older. She does not.

Now, that said, she could be mentioning it mostly because she feels like she is being ignored. Having games and hobbies and whatnot is all well and good, but you need to be able to interact with people who aren't in that sphere, too. If all you talk about when you're on dates is your D&D campaigns, you need to make an effort to join the world beyond that (or find someone who is as deep into it as you are).

It's also true that people change. You won't be a nerd forever. Once you're out of academia (if that's your path), the distinction is all history, and it doesn't matter. Other things do. You should keep doing whatever you want to do, but don't define yourself by narrow terms that will limit what you can do. You're not a "nerd," you're you, and that may involve heavy gaming, but it also might not involve that forever (or it might).

And what's invariably true is that you're young. This girl might be The One, but I think you should be open to the possibility that she's not. If she doesn't make you happy (or whats to change you into something that's not you), and it's an intractable problem, don't feel like you HAVE to make this work, no matter what. You're a kid. Take it easy on yourself.

Related, keep an open mind about drifting away from D&D. Fantasy novels are, by and large, adolescent power fantasies (and they're glorious for that!). What sounds relatable and amazing now might not sound so good in 5-10 years, when coming of age via magical phallic objects don't speak to your experiences anymore (but, hell, maybe it will).

And, as much as possible, listen to this (not really grandma friendly, folks!). He's not always right or on or fair, so take it with some grains of salt, add your own perspective, but it is probably the sanest relationship/sex advice column out there. And who knows, ask and he might give you a better answer than a message board filled with self-proclaimed D&D nerds can. After all, our relationship experience tends to be....limited...

Good luck!

 

[Aeolius]

Tomorrow I turn the age of two score and five. I have been married for nearly seventeen years, to my wonderful wife whom I met on America Online - if that helps set the stage. We currently have eight children; three by birth, four by adoption, and one foster child. Several of our kids have special needs. We live on several acres with horses, donkeys, goats, pigs, chickens, ducks, a goose and the like, as well as dogs, cats, a parrot, and fish. Needles to say, free time is at a premium, around here.

The last face-to-face game I DMed was in 1994. However, in the attempt to keep my offline group together as we went our separate ways, I devised "Into the Land of Black Ice", a play-by-post game that began on AOL's RPG Forum, moved to TSR's AOL Forum, followed TSR to the web, and then moved to a website I set up using FrontPage discussion groups. I have run a few play-by-post and chat-based games, since then. For the past three years, I have DMed "Heirs of Turucambi", an underwater adventure.

The game I ran prior to that was an undersea play-by-post game. I prefer undersea settings because I can amalgamate my interests in D&D, writing, and saltwater aquariums. I started keeping saltwater aquariums after I got married. I had given up keeping reptiles and collecting comics, but didn't realize the addictive nature of keeping glass cages. I have always loved the sea, but I have two older brothers, one who majored in marine biology. The youngest child never wants to do what the others have done, you understand.

My gaming, these days, consists of sitting at my computer three hours a week every Sunday night starting at 9pm, after four of our eight kids have been put to bed for the night. Granted, I keep a gaming notebook and write on my computer and iPad, when inspiration strikes. My wife, a non-gamer, will occasionally roll her eyes or give me "that look" when game time rolls around, but she understands how important it is to me that I exercise my creativity in a manner of my own choosing.

We do not always see eye-to-eye, my wife and I. Nor do we share every interest, belief and hobby. But we understand and respect one another. When she wants to go work out at the Y, I think nothing of it. My workout consists of heaving dozens of 50-pound bags of animal food from the feed store into my trailer and from the trailer into my barn. I also enjoy walking in the woods behind my house, where I get to see deer, raccoons, possums, foxes, wild turkeys, and more. The other night, I saw a coyote.

Long story short, no relationship is like the e-harmony commercials. Two people should not share every interest. How boring would that be? My wife likes country music, I like music from other countries. We agree on politics but not religion. Etc, etc... It always gives us something to talk about.

As for "growing up"... it's highly overrated. I will occasionally wake up my kids by blaring "Dead Puppies" on the stereo, play "naked sock puppet theater" (no socks required) with my younger kids, and will always think flatulence is hilarious. I also find professional sports to be boring and pointless. Your milage may vary.

 

[Beginning of the End]

Err, I mean... Have you considered what it would be like to be responsible for entertaining and fulfilling such a person for the duration of your lives?

Well, it sounds easy enough. You just turn the TV on and put them in front of it. Problem solved.

(Prepping a campaign for your wife. That's work.)

Honestly, my only reaction is this: I am deeply suspicious of anyone who believes that creativity is childish. (I'm assuming it's not the socializing or intellectual stimulation that she has problems with.)

 

[Jon_Dahl]

Life is never perfect. So you two love each other, but you have an issue with roleplaying? Of course it would be better for her to accept you as who you are, but generally couples always have some small issue. If this is the only problem you have, I think it's an acceptable difference of an opinion. But if she makes ultimatum about this, then it's different of course. Otherwise a small friction is normal in couples life. Nobody has a spouse that is 100% perfect. And even if you had one, then it would be a problem itself... "He's so perfect, like a machine sometimes..."

So if you love her, marry her and if you get too much problems, divorce her. People do this stuff all the time and they don't end up in hell. If you are too timid in life, life will flow past you. "I hate my job, but I'm afraid to quit... I love my girlfriend, but I'm afraid to marry her because she doesn't accept my hobby..." List goes on.

I think this is about your own fears. If you are not ready to marry, then don't. Don't look at your differences too much. If you really want to marry her, this would be something you work together, not turn the subject somewhere else.

 

[olshanski]

I've been happily married for some 10 years.
About once a week in the evening, my wife gets together with some friends, either college friends or women who have kids the same age as ours. They drink wine, eat snacks, and chat.
About once a week in the evening, my friends and I get together and drink beer and chat and play RPGs.

The other 5 nights a week we spend time together, playing cards or a board game or watching a movie, or we spend time separately, reading or browsing the internet.

I'll typically spend no more than 10 minutes telling her the highlights of what is going on in the lives of my friends. I don't bother her with any details of the game or the rules. My wife typically spends no more than 10 minutes telling me about what's going on with her friends.

If your girlfriend cannot deal with you having a "guys night out" once a week, then she is too controlling and needs to lighten up. If, however, you find that you are talking to her about gaming regularly, then you are probably boring her and need to keep it to yourself, and perhaps cut back on the gaming. Its called "getting a life"... if all you talk about is gaming, it can get really tedious for non-gamers. You gotta be able to go to museums, theater, shows, and talk about things like books, politics, and relationships.