Gaming, Adults, and Growing Up

[baradtgnome]

Back in the days when I had more 'hobbies' one of which was playing in a rock band and long before I met my wife, I was dating a girl who asked, "What would you say if I told you to choose between me or the band?" I looked deep into her eyes and said, "I would miss you."

There is a lot of advice floating around here, some good, some questionable, and some in the category of your mileage may vary. I have been married 25+ years and can only offer these observations/advice:
- Things WILL change. You will either grow together or apart. I recommend you choose to grow together rather than let life have you drift apart.
- Agree to love the person as they are, and only expect small compromises in how they live life. Actively make compromises in return.
- Talk to your significant other. Then talk some more.
- Look for someone who values the parts of you that you value. If you think not growing up is a virtue, shouldn't the person you are going to spend the rest of your life agree?

Good luck to you and I hope it all works out for the best.

 

[Festivus]

My wife doesn't get how I can sit and play D&D for 6 hours straight, but she also understands that I need some time with buddies.

Certainly, I don't play nearly as much as I used to, but I still play. Many of us now have wifes and children and other responsibilities, but still I manage to play every other week in a friends Pathfinder game, plus D&D encounters every week, plus one Saturday a month at our big meetup, I get the WHOLE day to play D&D. If I didn't have a gaming release, I think I would drive my wife nuts or I would just sit at a computer or video game system and play those all day, so this is the lesser of evils.

I'll also add this little tidbit, I was in a beer induced walking come from age 21 till about 30, so I really didn't play any RPGs during that time, karaoke was the call of the day.

 

[haakon1]

I think a fair number of gamers have girlfriends/wives who don't like them gaming. But if you have a healthy relationship, and your gaming is not excessive, it'll work out.

BTW, by not excessive gaming, I mean I DM about 3 times a year, and play about the same number, plus a few hours on D&D by email each week.

If you're gaming twice a week, every week for 6 hours a time . . . yeah, that's gunna be a serious problem.

As for getting out of college, that's an interesting time in a young gamers life. For me, I went about 6 years without touching D&D, as did many of my friends. Then I got the ball rolling again, and two others became DM's, and it snowballed among people I know. But it'll never get the time it got when we were in college -- too much else to do.

Of course, in retirement . . . that might be different.

 

[Sunseeker]

If you're gaming twice a week, every week for 6 hours a time . . . yeah, that's gunna be a serious problem.

Why? I'm at work for 6+ hours a day, I am doing errands that don't involve my significant other every week for several hours. What does another 6-12 hours a week make a difference? If she says she wants more attention, I give it to her, it's not like she's not doing her own thing while I go game.

Anything is only a problem when it interferes with your life. If D&D is causing you to not care for your kids, not go to work, not buy food for your home, not take care of your relationships, then it's not a problem. So long as all of your real commitments are taken care of, you could spend every other waking moment playing D&D.

 

[S'mon]

Just to say, there needs to be give and take in any relationship. She needs to let you game - and not complain - in return you need to keep it to a reasonable level. Eg I'm married and I only get to play tabletop twice/month. Left to my preferences I'd play more, left to my wife's preferences I'd not play at all. You should talk and establish an agreed acceptable level early on, then stick with it.

 

[S'mon]

Why? I'm at work for 6+ hours a day, I am doing errands that don't involve my significant other every week for several hours. What does another 6-12 hours a week make a difference? If she says she wants more attention, I give it to her, it's not like she's not doing her own thing while I go game.

Well, in my experience there is a limited amount of 'quality time' in the week. Time when we can go out and do things as a family is about 6 hours on Saturday, 6 hours on Sunday. My playing D&D 1 Sunday/fortnight takes 1/4 of that time. Twice a week would take 100% of that time.

 

[S'mon]

I had a look at Mark Chance's 'advice to husbands'. I think it potentially makes sense if one takes as the starting point that the husband in this case is indeed the boss/leader. The good boss/leader DOES need to put others' needs ahead of their own, and that's particularly true when considering wife & children. Mark doesn't elaborate on him being the one who 'wears the trousers', but his advice only makes sense in this context, the traditional or complementarian marriage.

However, nowadays there are many marriages where the man is either not the boss, or only the boss in very specific and limited circumstances - where danger looms and the husband needs to take action to keep his family safe, for instance. In these egalitarian marriages, it's not going to work to always put the other partner's needs first, that way lies the 'doormat'-hood some posters have denigrated. These marriages need more negotiation so that both partners and their needs are equally respected.

 

[Pbartender]

No... Perhaps a better way to say it would be: I understand the reasons why people would want to have a prenup (I completely understand the idea of "Plan for the worst, but hope for the best"... It's one of the mottos I live by), but it boggles my mind that they even feel the necessity to have them.

It often feel like the need to have a prenup is the symptom of some other underlying problem with the relationship (or one of two people involved in the relationship), and that it would be much better all around to identify and deal with that problem, rather than patching it over with a prenup.

Having a slight suspicion that any given marriage could fail is only sane. Taking this advice literally would basically mean "Don't get married," unless you have a very firm conviction that your relationship is different and perfect, which probably, ironically, increases the likelihood of disappointed expectations.

...

Good intentions + reasonable expectations = likelihood of happy experience

A marriage doesn't have to be perfect... Goodness knows mine isn't. But marriages have always had the expectation of being a lifelong partnership. A partnership that implies shared resources and responsibility for people who aren't you.

While the two people are individuals and can't be expected to agree on everything, they have to be reasonably certain that those sorts of differences can be worked out or lived with without anger and resentment. That requires knowing your potential spouse very well, and it requires knowing yourself very well, and it requires a great deal of mutual respect.

If not, the why bother getting married? Why not live together -- unmarried -- as if you were married, and avoid the entire legal hassle should you decide to go your own ways?

I dunno... I can understand the reasoning behind it, but the idea of it just seems alien to me.

 

[I'm A Banana]

A marriage doesn't have to be perfect... Goodness knows mine isn't. But marriages have always had the expectation of being a lifelong partnership. A partnership that implies shared resources and responsibility for people who aren't you.

I think that's subtly different from the "150% into it" thing.

It's normal to have some doubts and fears and misgivings and problems. I think you'd agree -- it's not smooth sailing. There are problems. I understand that folks who perhaps take their relationship cues too much from the media might think that, I dunno, a husband caught leering at another woman isn't 150% into it and suddenly it becomes "Why would he do this unless he doesn't love me anymore?! Does he even want to get married?"....and that's not a positive place.

I think the distinction is that you need to be prepared for those inevitable moments of rockiness. You can't expect everything to be perfect, and you can't expect marriage to change a person's behavior. You CAN expect that even if it's not perfect, that the SO still wants to be with you, is still into the relationship.

You're not always going to feel like you're wildly in love with the person, but you should be able to trust that those moments are largely momentary, and not destroy everything.

 

[Sunseeker]

Just to say, there needs to be give and take in any relationship. She needs to let you game - and not complain - in return you need to keep it to a reasonable level. Eg I'm married and I only get to play tabletop twice/month. Left to my preferences I'd play more, left to my wife's preferences I'd not play at all. You should talk and establish an agreed acceptable level early on, then stick with it.

Exactly, communication is one of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship. Unfortunately, and yes, this is a "wink-wink nudge-nudge" at the OP, people often seem to communicate with the wrong people first.

Well, in my experience there is a limited amount of 'quality time' in the week. Time when we can go out and do things as a family is about 6 hours on Saturday, 6 hours on Sunday. My playing D&D 1 Sunday/fortnight takes 1/4 of that time. Twice a week would take 100% of that time.

I probably have more free time than you, but then, I also have no children. So yeah, whatever you can balance the budget with.