Gaming, Adults, and Growing Up
- Thread starter DM Howard
- Start date
I got married, went off to college and started gaming again after not playing an RPG since middle school. My wife HATED it when I left on Friday nights to go play. She visited the game once (it was a real train wreck of a campaign) and couldn't understand why I was wasting my time.
I created a solo adventure for her one day, and we sat down to play. After she stopped hitting on the DM, ahem, she finally started to see the game differently. I then started a campaign with a few friends and she joined in.
That was about 14 years ago. We just played yet another session of DnD together last night.
Not saying this will be your experience, but invite her into that world and see what she thinks. Don't overdo it. Whether she joins in the fun or not, just make sure to spend as much time with her as you do gaming (moderation in all things, heh) and things will probably work out just fine.
I created a solo adventure for her one day, and we sat down to play. After she stopped hitting on the DM, ahem, she finally started to see the game differently. I then started a campaign with a few friends and she joined in.
That was about 14 years ago. We just played yet another session of DnD together last night.
Not saying this will be your experience, but invite her into that world and see what she thinks. Don't overdo it. Whether she joins in the fun or not, just make sure to spend as much time with her as you do gaming (moderation in all things, heh) and things will probably work out just fine.
S
Sunseeker
Guest
Solo and private games are really a great way to get people who don't "get it" into the game, or at least help them understand. A lot of men and women have a "social face" they put on for others, and often part of that social face is not being immature, which they often see gaming as. If you get them into an environment where they don't feel the need to wear that face, it's much easier to get them to understand, or heck, even enjoy the game.
vonmolkew
Explorer
Growing up is DEFINITELY overrated
I've often made the point to my wife: I could be out drinking in a bar (which costs money), playing golf (which costs money) or sitting in a strip-club and drinking (even more money), or sitting around with 5 or six folks I have a lot in common with, laughing and eating Chinese food (not so much money) and rolling stupid-looking dice. I have yet to lose that argument......
Orius
Unrepentant DM Supremacist
I'm probably the last person who should be giving advice in this thread, given my experiences with relationships are rather pathetic. But I learned a long time ago that you can't force someone to be what you want them to be, you have accept who they are. It was a very difficult lesson to learn, and sometimes I wonder if I ever really recovered from it, but I also believe it was probably one of the most important lessons I ever learned in my life.
Maybe this relationship is one that can't work, I don't know and can't really say. But I think in not being able to accept something that is part of a person's life, then to some extent you're rejecting that person. Women say that they don't want to give up their individuality for a husband; maintaining a certain amount of personal independance is a huge goal for women who embrace feminist ideals. For quite some time, I kind of resented some of that philosophy out of immaturity. Then I realized I wasn't so different, what I want from a wife isn't really that different. I want, no need, someone who accepts who I am instead of seeing me as some tame ape that needs to be housebroken as she sees fit. And I need to be able to do the same thing in return. I'd rather stay single and miserable and at least enjoy things I like than be married, not be able to enjoy things I like while being pressured to endure things I can't stand, and still be miserable.
Besides, it's not that much of a sacrifice to let the person have some independance, as long as that independace doesn't involve something that threatens the relationship itself. For me, that would be something like infidelity or even spending time with friends who are very openly hostile towards me, or demand their friendhip be more important that the relationship. That's not a matter of forcing her away from her friends. It's more like I don't accept the notion of "bros before hos"; and I want her to feel the same way in return.
I think the reality is in the middle somewhere. There needs to be some similarities for a relationship to work. Some differences will not be good for a relationship. Religion is a big one; many religions are just not compatible, and it's not going to work if you think your partner's beliefs are nothing but wickedness. There's no way around it either; after the initial heady romance dies, you'll feel resentful that your partner doesn't share your faith. Then children just make things worse, because both of you will end up fighting over exposing them to each other's beliefs. Politics is another big doozy, though it might work a little better if you agree to keep it out of the marriage. Just be careful when Junior or Princess hits those teen years, discovers activism, and starts dragging all the politics into the home that you both agreed to keep out for the sake of harmony (having a talk together with the kid and explaining that the home is supposed to be neutral and you expect it to stay that way might help).
But you do need some opposites. It helps to make both people more rounded, and it might introduce you to new interests.
I think saying date only women who like RPGs is a bit restricting. I think better overall would be to stick with women who are into nerd culture is a better approach. It's broaders, and even if she doesn't like RPGs, she still shares a lot of common interests. For me, dating a mundane seems pointless because I want to share my interests with someone else. What good is it if she just doesn't get RPGs or video games, or all the nerdy franchises I like, while I'm completely and utterly bored with what she likes, and have difficulty hiding my contempt for them? That might not be the right approach for the OP of course, but at the very least, there needs to be enough sustained interests so that as you grow older and change, you change together, rather than growing apart.
The only marriage that would satify a narcissist is one that involves a mirror.
Maybe this relationship is one that can't work, I don't know and can't really say. But I think in not being able to accept something that is part of a person's life, then to some extent you're rejecting that person. Women say that they don't want to give up their individuality for a husband; maintaining a certain amount of personal independance is a huge goal for women who embrace feminist ideals. For quite some time, I kind of resented some of that philosophy out of immaturity. Then I realized I wasn't so different, what I want from a wife isn't really that different. I want, no need, someone who accepts who I am instead of seeing me as some tame ape that needs to be housebroken as she sees fit. And I need to be able to do the same thing in return. I'd rather stay single and miserable and at least enjoy things I like than be married, not be able to enjoy things I like while being pressured to endure things I can't stand, and still be miserable.
Besides, it's not that much of a sacrifice to let the person have some independance, as long as that independace doesn't involve something that threatens the relationship itself. For me, that would be something like infidelity or even spending time with friends who are very openly hostile towards me, or demand their friendhip be more important that the relationship. That's not a matter of forcing her away from her friends. It's more like I don't accept the notion of "bros before hos"; and I want her to feel the same way in return.
I think the reality is in the middle somewhere. There needs to be some similarities for a relationship to work. Some differences will not be good for a relationship. Religion is a big one; many religions are just not compatible, and it's not going to work if you think your partner's beliefs are nothing but wickedness. There's no way around it either; after the initial heady romance dies, you'll feel resentful that your partner doesn't share your faith. Then children just make things worse, because both of you will end up fighting over exposing them to each other's beliefs. Politics is another big doozy, though it might work a little better if you agree to keep it out of the marriage. Just be careful when Junior or Princess hits those teen years, discovers activism, and starts dragging all the politics into the home that you both agreed to keep out for the sake of harmony (having a talk together with the kid and explaining that the home is supposed to be neutral and you expect it to stay that way might help).
But you do need some opposites. It helps to make both people more rounded, and it might introduce you to new interests.
I think saying date only women who like RPGs is a bit restricting. I think better overall would be to stick with women who are into nerd culture is a better approach. It's broaders, and even if she doesn't like RPGs, she still shares a lot of common interests. For me, dating a mundane seems pointless because I want to share my interests with someone else. What good is it if she just doesn't get RPGs or video games, or all the nerdy franchises I like, while I'm completely and utterly bored with what she likes, and have difficulty hiding my contempt for them? That might not be the right approach for the OP of course, but at the very least, there needs to be enough sustained interests so that as you grow older and change, you change together, rather than growing apart.
The only marriage that would satify a narcissist is one that involves a mirror.
Mishihari Lord
First Post
Responding to the OP without reading the rest of the thread (sorry) ...
You guys need to work this out between you _before_ you get engaged. To me, getting engaged then married means "I totally love you and accept you exactly the way you are." It's extremely unfair to get married and then tell your spouse "Now I need you to change." If you think this could happen and you both feel strongly on the matter, work it out now or it could be a disaster.
As for growing up and gaming, I'm 40, happily married, two kids, and I'd love to game if I had time but I don't. My wife thought it was a pretty weird activity, but since she trusts my judgment she thought it must have some redeeming quality. Then I ran her on a solo adventure (after we'd been married a couple of years) and she decided it was a pretty fun game.
In truth my motivation to play has gone down over the years, but not because there's anything childish about playing. Part of it is just getting busier. The other part is that when I was a kid I used to play to do cool things I couldn't do in real life. Now that I'm an adult with a decent income I can and do go do cool things in real life. Maybe I can't visit another planet in RL, but I lived in a third world country for a couple of years and that's close enough for all practical purposes.
Anyway hope you saw something useful in my rambling. Good luck.
You guys need to work this out between you _before_ you get engaged. To me, getting engaged then married means "I totally love you and accept you exactly the way you are." It's extremely unfair to get married and then tell your spouse "Now I need you to change." If you think this could happen and you both feel strongly on the matter, work it out now or it could be a disaster.
As for growing up and gaming, I'm 40, happily married, two kids, and I'd love to game if I had time but I don't. My wife thought it was a pretty weird activity, but since she trusts my judgment she thought it must have some redeeming quality. Then I ran her on a solo adventure (after we'd been married a couple of years) and she decided it was a pretty fun game.
In truth my motivation to play has gone down over the years, but not because there's anything childish about playing. Part of it is just getting busier. The other part is that when I was a kid I used to play to do cool things I couldn't do in real life. Now that I'm an adult with a decent income I can and do go do cool things in real life. Maybe I can't visit another planet in RL, but I lived in a third world country for a couple of years and that's close enough for all practical purposes.
Anyway hope you saw something useful in my rambling. Good luck.
Many think the basic dichotomy is between being "grown up", and being childish.
I'm pretty sure that's wrong.
I think true maturity is the state of being able to choose appropriate times to be childlike.
That's a good point. If you ever DO want to game again though, I can attest that running a game for your kids is a lot of fun. Especially if they are a bit older. I now regularly play Call of Cthulhu with my 12, 15 and 17 year olds. My wife is usually in on these games too.
billd91
Not your screen monkey (he/him) 🇺🇦🇵🇸🏳️⚧️
Sweet. I've got a 12 year old just starting to be interested in gaming, but the 6 year old is way too young for CoC.
Werebat
Explorer
Orius, I agree that there should be SOME differences in a marriage in order to make it work. If you're into the Myers-Briggs type indicator thing, you might be aware of soem theories involving just which differences are more conducive to productive relationships. I'm more or less an INFP, and my best friends tend to be ENFJs. If you're an "N", and I'd bet many RPGers are, you probably want another "N" for a partner.
That being said, one more piece of life advice from my departed godmother that I thought was very good: "There are worse things than being single -- LIKE WISHING YOU WERE!"
- Ron ^*^
That being said, one more piece of life advice from my departed godmother that I thought was very good: "There are worse things than being single -- LIKE WISHING YOU WERE!"
- Ron ^*^
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