Gaming, Adults, and Growing Up

[Sunseeker]

So if you love her, marry her and if you get too much problems, divorce her. People do this stuff all the time and they don't end up in hell. If you are too timid in life, life will flow past you. "I hate my job, but I'm afraid to quit... I love my girlfriend, but I'm afraid to marry her because she doesn't accept my hobby..." List goes on.

As much as I am not a religious person, I don't like this attitude of "meh, give it a go, see what happens." If your heart isn't 150% into the relationship, it WILL fail. I'm lucky enough to be a child of a long, stable marriage, and it works because they give several rats behinds and many dams about each other. If you head into a relationship, a marriage, anything with the idea that it will fail, then it will.

If you don't think things are going to work, be open about that ahead of time. It's always a better plan than trying to pick up the pieces when it blows up later.

 

[El Mahdi]

I went to my wife for this, and here is what she had to say.

Advice for you:
Definitely make it a priority to talk about this with your significant other. Not only could this issue be a problem in the future, and therefore needs to be discussed...but not talking about important issues (such as this) is in and of itself a bad precedent to set. Communication is the most important thing for a long term relationship. Set a time and place, and talk about it.

Don't ever let gaming become more important than your relationship. That doesn't mean she has a right to make you give it up, but if it dominates all facets of your life and relationship, then it's become a problem. When it comes right down to it, friction in a relationship over gaming, is really no different then friction in a relationship over football, golf, etc. Keep it as part of your life, but keep it as part of your life...not your whole life.

Advice for Her:
If you're in Love with this guy, and want to spend your life with him, you have to accept him for who he is...warts and all! You can't change him to make him the person you wanted. If he's already not the person you wanted, then he's not the person you want! But, as with any guy, there are always going to be things they like to do that you may not enjoy doing yourself - and vice versa. And that's okay. That's life and relationships. If his hobby becomes more important than you, then there's a problem (but that doesn't mean you can go testing his loyalty to you with a "it's me or gaming" ultimatum...).

I'd suggest at least trying it out. If you don't like it, that's okay. But if it's something that you end up seeing as no big deal, game with him. You don't have to get into it nearly as deeply or intensely as he does, but doing something with him that isn't necessrily your cup of tea, shows you love him and engenders trust. But that also goes just as strongly for things that you like and he doesn't, and that you want him to be a part of (if even in just a limited way).

Sure, gaming is, to a certain extent, an immature hobby...but so is Golf, Football, fishing, etc. - and just as equally bookclub, scrapbooking, recreational shopping, and so on. Men and women both have hobbies, and no hobby is inherently less mature than any other. You both need avenues and interests outside of the relationship. As time goes on you'll find them necessary...and that's completely normal. But when any of those interests begin to dominate or overshadow other aspects of the relationship, especially when it's "together" time, then things need to change. Those interests either need to be dialed back (preferred), or eliminated if necessary...but only if necessary. But as much as a hobby dominating a relationship can be devastating to it, denegrating something that is very important to someone in the relationship can be just as devastating. If you call his interests "immature", you're also calling him immature. No different than if he called your interests "silly". Good natured ribbing is always okay, and hopefully exists in your relationship (it's a sign of trust and intimacy), but scorn (even percieved scorn) can be fatal.

Above all though, you must talk about this. Communication is everything.

 

[El Mahdi]

...I agree that recognizing our differences in interests is great and that I should work towards helping her enjoy her hobbies and her help me enjoy mine. Although I must say that she doesn't have any hobbies really. She records and watches TV shows but that's about it besides school work.

Then her shows are her hobby...at least right now. Most hobbies come and go. There's usually just one or two that stick with us throughout our life.

So, show some interest in her shows. Even the ones you wouldn't necessarily watch on your own. My wife has a few shows she likes that are mostly "chick" shows. But I've shown some interest in them and watch some of them with her. And quite honestly, I've actually enjoyed them. That doesn't mean I'd go out and buy the DVD's for them, or watch them by myself, but they're not bad (however, I will deny this under oath...). I can't even count how many times my wife has told me "you don't know how cool this is to me that you'll sit and watch this with me...".

For me, it's not about the show, it's about doing something with my girl...and that's the only part that, ultimately, is important.

 

[pawsplay]

Then her shows are her hobby...at least right now. Most hobbies come and go. There's usually just one or two that stick with us throughout our life.

So, show some interest in her shows. Even the ones you wouldn't necessarily watch on your own. My wife has a few shows she likes that are mostly "chick" shows. But I've shown some interest in them and watch some of them with her. And quite honestly, I've actually enjoyed them. That doesn't mean I'd go out and buy the DVD's for them, or watch them by myself, but they're not bad (however, I will deny this under oath...). I can't even count how many times my wife has told me "you don't know how cool this is to me that you'll sit and watch this with me...".

For me, it's not about the show, it's about doing something with my girl...and that's the only part that, ultimately, is important.

That's a good suggestion. Bones, House, and Psych aren't things I wouldn't go out and watch on my own, but they're entertaining and sometimes even thought-provoking.

 

[Pbartender]

As much as I am not a religious person, I don't like this attitude of "meh, give it a go, see what happens." If your heart isn't 150% into the relationship, it WILL fail. I'm lucky enough to be a child of a long, stable marriage, and it works because they give several rats behinds and many dams about each other. If you head into a relationship, a marriage, anything with the idea that it will fail, then it will.

If you don't think things are going to work, be open about that ahead of time. It's always a better plan than trying to pick up the pieces when it blows up later.

Quoted for truth.

This is exactly why I've never entirely understood the reasoning behind prenuptual agreements... If you go into a marriage expecting it to fail, or even slightly suspecting it to fail, then you probably shouldn't be getting married in the first place. It's better to wait and be certain one way or the other.

 

[Dausuul]

Quoted for truth.

This is exactly why I've never entirely understood the reasoning behind prenuptual agreements... If you go into a marriage expecting it to fail, or even slightly suspecting it to fail, then you probably shouldn't be getting married in the first place. It's better to wait and be certain one way or the other.

There's a difference between expecting something to fail, and being prepared in case it does. If you expect a house to burn down, you shouldn't buy it. Even if you slightly suspect it may burn down, you should probably think twice. Hence, any house that you do buy, you should not be expecting a fire... but it's still wise to take out fire insurance. You never know what may happen down the road.

 

[Sunseeker]

Quoted for truth.

This is exactly why I've never entirely understood the reasoning behind prenuptual agreements... If you go into a marriage expecting it to fail, or even slightly suspecting it to fail, then you probably shouldn't be getting married in the first place. It's better to wait and be certain one way or the other.

For most prenups, they were for protecting assets. Essentially that "everything I have before I married you is still 100% mine, not ours." So in case things do end, they don't take half of what they didn't earn. But you also have to remember the context of these marriages. These are often older men or women marrying younger men or women, or fairly famous people who as reality shows, don't often have lasting relationships.

Most marriages between what I shall call "the common folk" don't use prenups because aside from both parties usually loving each other very much, they also tend to lack any serious assets that are worth taking should things fall apart. In short: you can't rob from the poor.

 

[Wik]

For most prenups, they were for protecting assets. Essentially that "everything I have before I married you is still 100% mine, not ours." So in case things do end, they don't take half of what they didn't earn. But you also have to remember the context of these marriages. These are often older men or women marrying younger men or women, or fairly famous people who as reality shows, don't often have lasting relationships.

Most marriages between what I shall call "the common folk" don't use prenups because aside from both parties usually loving each other very much, they also tend to lack any serious assets that are worth taking should things fall apart. In short: you can't rob from the poor.

I dunno, a lot of prenups tend to be because it is someone's second marriage, and they've already been burned before. My dad (technically "step dad", I guess, to clear up any confusion), for example, took a prenup when he married my mother, and that was a good seventeen years ago. He had already been with her for around eight years at that point, and was only convinced into getting remarried due to the prenup - he had been SERIOUSLY burned by his first wife.

As in, he made his final alimony payment to her a few years ago, and I noticed that from then on, my family actually had money to spend again.

Honestly, if I had a fair amount of money on hand, I probably wouldn't get married without at least some sort of prenuptial agreement - not that I expect the relationship to fail, but it's always good to have a little insurance.

 

[pawsplay]

Quoted for truth.

This is exactly why I've never entirely understood the reasoning behind prenuptual agreements... If you go into a marriage expecting it to fail, or even slightly suspecting it to fail, then you probably shouldn't be getting married in the first place. It's better to wait and be certain one way or the other.

Having a slight suspicion that any given marriage could fail is only sane. Taking this advice literally would basically mean "Don't get married," unless you have a very firm conviction that your relationship is different and perfect, which probably, ironically, increases the likelihood of disappointed expectations.

If you can look the other person in the eye and say, "If we ever get divorced, I hope it's not because of something I would regret having done," and you get married anyway, then you have some reason to feel confident.

Good intentions + reasonable expectations = likelihood of happy experience

 

[Sunseeker]

I dunno, a lot of prenups tend to be because it is someone's second marriage, and they've already been burned before. My dad (technically "step dad", I guess, to clear up any confusion), for example, took a prenup when he married my mother, and that was a good seventeen years ago. He had already been with her for around eight years at that point, and was only convinced into getting remarried due to the prenup - he had been SERIOUSLY burned by his first wife.

As in, he made his final alimony payment to her a few years ago, and I noticed that from then on, my family actually had money to spend again.

That's not surprising, once bitten, twice shy.

Honestly, if I had a fair amount of money on hand, I probably wouldn't get married without at least some sort of prenuptial agreement - not that I expect the relationship to fail, but it's always good to have a little insurance.

Yes, I probably would too. Our ideas on what a "fair amount of money" is may differ though. Right now though, I don't, and I'm a hopeless romantic anyway.