Great Game Quotes

[Napftor]

"I loot Bane!" (yes, the FR deity)

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

From some old M:tG tournaments...

Player 1: "I Fireball you for...<taptaptaptap>250 points of damage."
Player 2: "mmmmm...I take it. Now its my turn."


Player 1: "Fireball you for...<taptaptaptap>10 points of damage."
Player 2: "<tap>Fork!"
Player 3: "<tap>Fork!"
Player 4: "<tap>Fork!"
Player 5: "<tap>Fork!"
Player 6: "<tap>Fork!"
Player 7: "<tap>Fork!"
Player 8: "<tap>Fork!"
Player 9: "<tap>Fork!"
Player 10: "<tap>Fork!"

Player 1: "I Overrun you for...<taptaptaptap> 45 points of damage."
Player 2: "Counter"
Player 1: "OK...I Overrun you for...<taptaptaptap> 35 points of damage."
Player 2: "Would you not do that if I gave you this nice, shiny green marble?"

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

Maller: "By the way, I'm going to each of my men and go, psst!? Are you a spy?!"

Crowe: "I say kill everyone."
Maller: "Let's try subtle. Can you do subtle?"

Crowe: Got any antacid?
OcDugal (carefully hands Crowe a vial): "Drink this and don't jump for two hours..."

GM: "You can pretty much have a computer do whatever the hell you want it to."
Crowe: "I can throw it...it becomes a club..."
Maller: "Okay...but can you make it say, "Hello World..."?"

Edgington: "What part of low profile don't you understand?"
Maller: "Well, pretty much all the witnesses are dead. The space station crashed into a planet; we nuked the Wasp (bad guy ship); the Wasp killed the other people. About the only people who remember us are a couple of hookers."

GM (to Maller): " You are groggy so just talk normal and occasionally say. uhh."
Maller: "So no change from my regular speech patterns, then?"

Dawn (Doctor): "I fancy myself an artist...by the way, I signed your heart..."

Crowe: "Yeah I guess not much time has passed since this all started."
Maller: "Oh no. Things rapidly went to hell almost immediately."

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

SCHUYLER: “I can run as fast as the horses.”
GM: “Not with the Mount swiftness spell.”
CONAN: “Just cast the spell on him.”
CHRIS: “You can’t. It only work on animals.”
CONAN: “Yeah, cast the spell on him.”
CHRIS: “Animals…creatures with an Intelligence score 3 or less.”
CONAN: “Yeah, cast the spell on him.”
CAM: “You see, that, I saw coming.”
SCHUYLER: “Aha…I run fast!”
CAM: “Oh god, I hit him with a pie!”
MIKE: “I like pie…”
CAM: “…Okay…THAT I didn’t see coming…”

CONAN: “How much noise does a dire bear make?
CAM: “All of it…”

SCHUYLER: “These orcs…are making me thirsty!”

CAM (GM): "The Vardash comes down. It doesn’t really cleave the man's skull. The 60 lbs blade crushes his skull...like...
CHRIS: "--Like you know Gallagher...you know the comic Gallagher? Just picture him....getting HIT with a Vardash!"

CAM: “Everyone roll stealth.”
CONAN: “18”
CHRIS: “17”
MIKE: “9”
CAM: “Okay, listen checks”
CHRIS: “15…Okay we here them whispering?”
MIKE: “What are they saying?”
CHRIS: “They are saying you don’t have to sneak anymore.”

 

[boerngrim]

Archon the mighty mage: I've researched a new spell!
GM: OK let me hear it.
Archon: I call it Summon Harlot.
GM: WTF!
Archon: It gets lonely in the dungeon.
GM: That's messed up dude!
Archon: Plus I could cast it for other people.... for a small fee.

 

[palleomortis]

Archon the mighty mage: I've researched a new spell!
GM: OK let me hear it.
Archon: I call it Summon Harlot.
GM: WTF!
Archon: It gets lonely in the dungeon.
GM: That's messed up dude!
Archon: Plus I could cast it for other people.... for a small fee.

you wouldn't happen to have the stats for that, would you?

 

[Olaf the Stout]

One from a game where I was a player:

DM: You see a very muscular, barbaric man, wearing no armor and carrying a scythe. (Unfortunately, the DM pronounced it as "sith")

Player 1: A sith?

DM: Yes, a scythe. Why?

Player 2: Why's he carrying a sith?

DM: Why not? That's his weapon.

Me: OMFG! He's wielding Darth Maul!

At this point, the entire table loses it and people are laughing hysterically, even more so because the DM is completely confused about what's going on. I eventually explained the difference in pronunciation between a "scythe" and a "sith" to him, but we never let him live down the time he attacked us with a Sith-wielding barbarian.

This one cracked me up! I had to cover my mouth so that my coworkers wouldn't come over and see what the hell I was laughing at!

Olaf the Stout

 

[Dragonbait]

These may be way to much of an inside joke, but I'll give it a shot..

GM: You see the villaige. It's full of small huts elevated on stilts.
Player: How the hell do the hutts move the stilts without feet?

Player (to an orc he is about to kill): You'll fall like pie!
explanation - apparently he mixed 'You'll fall' and 'I'll slice you like pie' together...

GM: You look out the cockpit window and see that the planet is covered in a plump.. I mean plush forest.
explanation- he was trying to say lush forest..

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

GM (to Crowe): "What are you doing?"
Crowe (pointing to Maller): Masturbating in his sock drawer."
Maller: "Shows what you know, I don't have a sock drawer."


OcDugal: "Why don't we fly the dropship in to draw their fire and the Deterrent can swoop in and take out the Ion Cannon..."
Crowe: "The Deterrent should be able to take one shot. Plus we would just send missile. Long range, get their attention and use that as a diversion."
Maller: "Hey, how about we talk our way in?"

GM (to Crowe): "Okay, you have a chance for one more computer roll..."
Maller: "If you waste your last roll surfing for porn, I'm going to kill you."

OcDugal: "Did your two faceless Marines just both role critical successes?"
G.M.: "Crap, I'm gonna have to make up names for these guys now aren't I?"
<later>
G.M.: "Okay, Privates Blake and Hammerson follow you..."
Maller: "Ah, do good, and you shall be blessed with names."

G.M.: "Okay, who's in back?"
Maller: "Hammerson and Erickson--wait....WHY?!"

Williams: "I saw this on a show once..."
Penner: "How did they deal with it."
Williams: "Well, they "beamed" out."
Penner: "That doesn't exactly help US!"

Dias: “I'm going to church.”
Bradley: Church?
Dias: “Isn't that the place where they give you a cracker and a shot of wine.”
Bradley: “A four day old trisquit and a shot of Baby duck.”
Dias: “Sounds like a very cheap strip joint.”
Bradley: “I hope when I die, get nailed to a tree, you'll all do the same…”
Dias: “Yeah, you'll get a sip of coke and a Dorrito.”

MALACHI: “I start smokin’ some of those cool herbs he put in my wounds yesterday.”
MISHA (shaking his head): “That’s the last time I heal you.”

 

[Dias Ex Machina]

GM: “You can go: East, North, West.”
AIDEN: “I vote for Northwest.”
MISHA (imitating the Wizard): “Ow, Ow, Ow…” (Shakes his head is disbelief) “…F-ing Wizards…”

AIDEN: “Hey, I took out five of them!”
MISHA: “A Sleep spell doesn’t count. It’s like kicking someone in the junk!”

MALACHI: “I’m not tugging anything. I’ve learned my lesson when I drank that jug of glue.”
MISHA: “No, that’s because you’re stupid.”

MALACHI: “That’s some vicious venom. I now have a strength of 8.”
AIDEN: “Now you are only as strong as you are smart…”
(Gilran shakes his head)
GILRAN: “Man…”
GM: “Yeah, that was just mean.”

GM: “She wields a scimitar.”
MISHA: “I can use that. I wield my long sword and I also have my master craft great sword for cleaving.”
MALACHI: “Can you do anything with a rapier?”
MISHA: “…floss…”

GM: “Yes, the innkeeper is ‘Olga.’ That big butch man is really a woman. If you need proof, she can take off her brazier but you run the risk of dying from getting hit in the head by an errant breast.”
MISHA: “Try explaining that in Valhalla.”

MISHA: “I just saved an Elf. If its anything like a wookie, he’s mine for life.”