Hey! Let's make another bad module!

[WarlockLord]

The first bad module (http://www.enworld.org/archive/index.php/t-148724.html)was hilarious. However, it is archived, so sadly, we cannot add to it. Therefore, let's make another!
Rules are the same as the last time.

Introduction:
You all meet in a bar and decide to work together. Suddenly, an omniscent DMPC runs in.

"Oh no! The Plo'ht Device has been stolen! Because of some prophecy, you guys are the only ones who can save the world!"

If the players question the DMPC, all they learn is his name (Thomas MacGuffin). Thomas will be the main instrument of railroading. The Plo'ht Device's location is known to him, and he is more powerful than any character in the party. The DM is supposed to award XP based on individual creature kills.

If the players ignore Thomas, they get railroaded into following him anyway. If they somehow manage to kill Thomas, all of his items turn into useless crap (with Nystul's magic aura to make them seem like artifacts) except for 2 books: The Illuminatus! Trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, and The Number of the Beast by Robert Heinlein. Then he comes back as a lich, but they win D&D.

Then they get attacked by kobolds.

 

[Peni Griffin]

The kobolds are extremely rich, but they routinely keep their treasure in the following places:

Their stomachs
At the bottoms of pools of filthy water (which are actually healing potions, except for the one that's CON-destroying poison)
In the fungus garden, under the yellow mold

These treasures include such items as daggers of venom, headbands of intellect, necklaces of fireballs, etc., but the kobolds leave them in their hiding places rather than using them.

A secret door with a glyph of sex change on it behind the kobold queen's massive Throne of Impossibilium (value $9,999,999,999.99 gp) guards the secret tunnel to the hiding place of the Plo'ht Device.

 

[WarlockLord]

Inside the secret tunnel (I gotta keep this going), you see a plate of beans. A godlike voice sounds, commanding the PCs to eat the beans (Will 26 negates). The PCs except Thomas fail their saves and eat the beans. The resulting flatulence generates a cloudkill effect (DC 32) that affects everyone except Thomas.

 

[Piratecat]

Guarding the tunnel is a DMPC kender named Larry. He won't let the PCs pass unless the PLAYERS stand up from the table and do a funny little dance for him, speaking in squeaky voices while they do so.

He can't be killed, as he's behind an invulnerable force wall and can teleport at will. If the players all do a funny little dance, he will teleport away, lowering the force wall and leaving behind a magic ukelele of Otto's Irrestible Dance.

 

[TheCrazyMuffinMan]

Guarding the tunnel is a DMPC kender named Larry. He won't let the PCs pass unless the PLAYERS stand up from the table and do a funny little dance for him, speaking in squeaky voices while they do so.

He can't be killed, as he's behind an invulnerable force wall and can teleport at will. If the players all do a funny little dance, he will teleport away, lowering the force wall and leaving behind a magic ukelele of Otto's Irrestible Dance.

Larry is also the close friend of a 15th level cleric with the Travel and Knowledge Domains.

...or are 15th level wizards/sorcerers even more unbalancing and harder to justify? Either way, something like that.

 

[Chris_Nightwing]

Anyway the kobold queen is immune to all magic except for dance-based spells, so that's a handy find for the PCs. Except that none of them can play it, even the bard, because they were forced to take comedy earlier in character creation.

They need to learn how to play it, but the bard only knows of one person who can. So they set off to the forests of Hackkkachharr to find the first ever gnome bard who was subequently responsible for ruining the entire of gnomish society. Chances are he'll be pretty pissed to see some adventurers and will need considerable persuasion to take up the instrument again and risk the wrath of gnomekind.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

At the end of the tunnel, is a 20 x 20 room with a door in the opposite wall. The walls of the room are adorned with rich tapestries depicting scenes of a god-like figure single-handedly holding back hordes of demons as they issue forth from a tear in the earth. Upon close inspection of the figure, you note that he looks remarkably like Thomas.

After inspecting the tapestries you notice that the doors to the room have disappeared trapping you within. An inscription can be seen in the wall where the door was. The inscription reads:
Close am I to the seat of power
But hidden I remain
Speak my hue
While revealing yours
And passage you will gain

The correct answer to the riddle is the color of the DMs underwear. PCs must speak this color while wearing their underwear on the outside of their armor or adventuring clothing. If any player declares their PC "goes commando," the player must wear their underwear on the outside of their clothing as proxy to their character. If the player can not or will not comply, a Disintegration ray hits their PC, turning them to a pile of dust.

 

[paradox42]

Upon opening the doors, the PCs discern that the next chamber is a mile wide and long, with a huge chasm in its floor that looks suspiciously like the one in the tapestry. True to form, demons start pouring out of the chasm, and Thomas steps up to stop them. "Don't worry about these, I'll deal with them," he anxiously bids the PCs. "Save the Plo'ht Device! You're the only hope now!" And so saying, he waves his hand and causes the PCs to Teleport to a 200-foot-high ledge/cliff overlooking the room on the other side. From there, the PCs have a spectacular view of the demon horde and Thomas fighting them (be sure to embellish the description heavily- use sound if the PCs cover their eyes or otherwise try not to look).

The PCs are next to a cave leading deeper into the earth, which appears to be the only exit from this ledge except for the fall (oops, I forgot to mention the bottomless lake of lava at the bottom of the ledge and that the cliff sides are totally smooth and featureless- no fair falling or climbing down!). Somewhere in the depths of the tunnel, a light glimmers...

 

[Tinker Gnome]

The light down the tunnel is a portal to the Seven Heavens of Celestia, which it turns out it Thomas' home plane. The PCs must then go through the tunnel(they have no choice) and enter the portal. There they must listen to Thomas talk to his fellow Celestials about nothing in particular for hours on end real time.

 

[Emirikol]

..in which, there's a secret door. If the PC's don't find it, they can't continue with the adventure and must stand around until the DM throws them a bone.

jh