Radiating Gnome
Adventurer
*bump* for children, because the children are our future.
IRON DM 2013--Entries, Judgements, Commentary, & Trash-Talk
- Thread starter Rune
- Start date
Rune
Once A Fool
Round 1, Match 3 Judgement: Radiating Gnome vs. EP
I'm going to start off by expressing some disappointment in how a few of the ingredients were used in both of these entries. Not all of them; there were some very well-used ingredients in both, but, in some cases, uninspired. Maybe ingredients like “Point of No Return” and “Fork in the Road” were harder than they looked to me.
The Introverted Aboleth of “Curse of the Unwanted” (henceforth, “Curse”) is a great character. I mean, how often do you get to feel pathos for an aboleth? But as an ingredient, I never really got a sense of its abolethness—which would be fine if I felt that it had done away with schemes and slaves because of its introversion. But I didn't get that sense, either. Instead, it just felt like the aboleth was hiding because it was wounded and scared. While that makes for an interesting character, it didn't quite live up to the ingredient.
In contrast, “The Sermon of Kingfish VII” (henceforth, “Sermon”) has it locked down. Kingfish dominates all of his subjects (slaves) to such a degree that he even moves them around at whim for his sermons. This answers the question of why an introverted aboleth would surround himself with slaves (even at a distance) nicely: the slaves are not sentient to the aboleth—they are merely furniture. Add to that, the extremely isolated nature of Kingfish—so much so that he walled off his entire island with a hurricane—and we get a real sense of how an introverted aboleth might still be terrifying.
“Sermon” uses Fork in the Road as significant choice that the characters must make leading to their confrontation with Kingfish. The decision that the characters make have consequences. This is good. But, these decisions aren't even mutually-exclusive! It's possible for the PCs to do both? That might be better for the adventure, but the ingredient suffers for it; it is fundamental that when you come to a fork in the road (assuming it's not cutlery), you must choose one path.
At least “Curse” uses the ingredient more meaningfully. Again, it is a choice, but, here, it is a theme, as well. The denizens of the Lonely City must choose between their natures or to build a civilization. The PCs must choose between the typical problem-solving style and a peaceful acceptance of this new monster-nation. And they must choose again between fulfilling their (probably pointless, but lucrative) quest and mercy. I know I insinuated that this ingredient was used poorly all around earlier, but that's not the case, here. This one is well done.
And yet, while “Curse” has a Lonely City, it doesn't feel very lonely with its new inhabitants running around in it. “Sermon,” on the other hand, does. The city in this piece is isolated, lonely, desperate, oppressive...and to make matters more fun, the PCs are very likely to blend in—which might make them feel a bit isolated, as well! A lot of the character in “Sermon” comes out in the city, itself, and that always helps in bringing an adventure to life.
But the Point of No Return in “Sermon” is nearly meaningless to the PCs. If that point is the beginning of the adventure, the question raised is not “are we ready for this”, but simply “do we bother with this?” Functionally, it works, but it would have been better to see the ingredient pop up a little later in the adventure—once things were already in motion. Unfortunately, “Curse” doesn't even give us that. The ingredient here is only used as part of the hook—and not even one that the PCs have influence over. I think. I'm a little fuzzy on just how the ingredient manifests in the first place. Which isn't good.
And, here I run into a problem. I liked the Inspirational Sermon used in “Sermon.” It served as part of the framework upon which the adventure was built. I found it inspirational. But it clearly was not inspirational to the participants—they were only there to get fed! Nor was it even supposed to be—Kingfish cared so little about inspiring the masses that he took control of their very seating arrangements! “Curse” implements the ingredient more faithfully, but I find it somehow less intriguing. Which is odd, because I actually love the direction that it takes the adventure. I dunno. Maybe it's all the pre-scripted speech. Makes it feel more linear than it actually is. Just not my style, I guess. Can't penalize the piece for that.
So, how about the Changeling? “Sermon” has a great character in the form of Anter—who changes his very state of mind to keep it safe (although I do wonder where all of the alcohol is coming from), and who changes from friend to foe as the story progresses. He really helps bring the monstrous nature of the aboleth home. But I think I like the Keeper in “Curse” even more. Here is a shapeshifter who wants to change everything! The goblinoid's nature, the status quo, the very perceptions of the PCs! Now that is making the most of an ingredient!
The adventures:
“Sermon” is wonderfully atmospheric (in a creepy and oppressive way) and a tight adventure with a lot of adventure potential going on. “Curse” explores themes that I enjoy in my games. I see a lot of potential for this adventure—and for future adventures! But, as much as I enjoy it, I have to admit, it just isn't as tight as the other adventure—and there isn't nearly as much for the PCs to do.
I'm going to start off by expressing some disappointment in how a few of the ingredients were used in both of these entries. Not all of them; there were some very well-used ingredients in both, but, in some cases, uninspired. Maybe ingredients like “Point of No Return” and “Fork in the Road” were harder than they looked to me.
The Introverted Aboleth of “Curse of the Unwanted” (henceforth, “Curse”) is a great character. I mean, how often do you get to feel pathos for an aboleth? But as an ingredient, I never really got a sense of its abolethness—which would be fine if I felt that it had done away with schemes and slaves because of its introversion. But I didn't get that sense, either. Instead, it just felt like the aboleth was hiding because it was wounded and scared. While that makes for an interesting character, it didn't quite live up to the ingredient.
In contrast, “The Sermon of Kingfish VII” (henceforth, “Sermon”) has it locked down. Kingfish dominates all of his subjects (slaves) to such a degree that he even moves them around at whim for his sermons. This answers the question of why an introverted aboleth would surround himself with slaves (even at a distance) nicely: the slaves are not sentient to the aboleth—they are merely furniture. Add to that, the extremely isolated nature of Kingfish—so much so that he walled off his entire island with a hurricane—and we get a real sense of how an introverted aboleth might still be terrifying.
“Sermon” uses Fork in the Road as significant choice that the characters must make leading to their confrontation with Kingfish. The decision that the characters make have consequences. This is good. But, these decisions aren't even mutually-exclusive! It's possible for the PCs to do both? That might be better for the adventure, but the ingredient suffers for it; it is fundamental that when you come to a fork in the road (assuming it's not cutlery), you must choose one path.
At least “Curse” uses the ingredient more meaningfully. Again, it is a choice, but, here, it is a theme, as well. The denizens of the Lonely City must choose between their natures or to build a civilization. The PCs must choose between the typical problem-solving style and a peaceful acceptance of this new monster-nation. And they must choose again between fulfilling their (probably pointless, but lucrative) quest and mercy. I know I insinuated that this ingredient was used poorly all around earlier, but that's not the case, here. This one is well done.
And yet, while “Curse” has a Lonely City, it doesn't feel very lonely with its new inhabitants running around in it. “Sermon,” on the other hand, does. The city in this piece is isolated, lonely, desperate, oppressive...and to make matters more fun, the PCs are very likely to blend in—which might make them feel a bit isolated, as well! A lot of the character in “Sermon” comes out in the city, itself, and that always helps in bringing an adventure to life.
But the Point of No Return in “Sermon” is nearly meaningless to the PCs. If that point is the beginning of the adventure, the question raised is not “are we ready for this”, but simply “do we bother with this?” Functionally, it works, but it would have been better to see the ingredient pop up a little later in the adventure—once things were already in motion. Unfortunately, “Curse” doesn't even give us that. The ingredient here is only used as part of the hook—and not even one that the PCs have influence over. I think. I'm a little fuzzy on just how the ingredient manifests in the first place. Which isn't good.
And, here I run into a problem. I liked the Inspirational Sermon used in “Sermon.” It served as part of the framework upon which the adventure was built. I found it inspirational. But it clearly was not inspirational to the participants—they were only there to get fed! Nor was it even supposed to be—Kingfish cared so little about inspiring the masses that he took control of their very seating arrangements! “Curse” implements the ingredient more faithfully, but I find it somehow less intriguing. Which is odd, because I actually love the direction that it takes the adventure. I dunno. Maybe it's all the pre-scripted speech. Makes it feel more linear than it actually is. Just not my style, I guess. Can't penalize the piece for that.
So, how about the Changeling? “Sermon” has a great character in the form of Anter—who changes his very state of mind to keep it safe (although I do wonder where all of the alcohol is coming from), and who changes from friend to foe as the story progresses. He really helps bring the monstrous nature of the aboleth home. But I think I like the Keeper in “Curse” even more. Here is a shapeshifter who wants to change everything! The goblinoid's nature, the status quo, the very perceptions of the PCs! Now that is making the most of an ingredient!
The adventures:
“Sermon” is wonderfully atmospheric (in a creepy and oppressive way) and a tight adventure with a lot of adventure potential going on. “Curse” explores themes that I enjoy in my games. I see a lot of potential for this adventure—and for future adventures! But, as much as I enjoy it, I have to admit, it just isn't as tight as the other adventure—and there isn't nearly as much for the PCs to do.
I thought I knew the winner of this match before I started writing this judgment. But, as sometimes happens, the articulation of certain points caused me to reassess. In the end, I find that my reassessment matches up with my original assessment, but it is quite a bit closer than I thought. Alas, a couple of very inspired ingredients and a very inspired scenario are not enough to outweigh a well-crafted adventure with more tightly-woven ingredients.
EP, you've got the goods, and I look forward to seeing you compete in future tournaments, because this was a very fine piece. If I could give you one bit of advice for future tournaments, it would be this: work a little bit on tightening the adventure up—and giving the adventurers more to do. I think there's room for improvement with the ingredients, as well, but I also think that, with a little refining of the adventure, that would fall into place.
Radiating Gnome advances to Round 2.
EP, you've got the goods, and I look forward to seeing you compete in future tournaments, because this was a very fine piece. If I could give you one bit of advice for future tournaments, it would be this: work a little bit on tightening the adventure up—and giving the adventurers more to do. I think there's room for improvement with the ingredients, as well, but I also think that, with a little refining of the adventure, that would fall into place.
Radiating Gnome advances to Round 2.
Last edited:
Radiating Gnome
Adventurer
Ouch. You know it's Iron DM when even winning a round stings a little. 
Thanks, Rune, and EP, excellent entry.
Since Rune has been asking for a look at how we wrote our entries, I wrote this one up tuesday after I posed mine -- before I saw Rune's review.
[sblock]
The Introverted Aboleth seemed like the obvious big bad… I immediately paired him with the changeling as his servant, although the initial ideas I had there didn't look much like the final version.
The sermon, as a writing exercise, resonated for me with the introversion of the aboleth, so those two went together. I imagined that obsessive writer who wants nothing to do with the world, only wants to work on his project. You know, what we wish George RR Martin were more like, so he'd write his books faster.
Lonely city gave me the audience for the sermon, and ideas for the situation started to come together.
The ingredients I had the hardest time with were the Fork in the Road and the Point of No Return. In part, they frustrated me because they were conceptually so close to each other -- a fork in the road may well be the point of no return, at the same time. Since I didn't think I wanted to have one element that tried to cover two ingredients, I decided to separate them as much as possible in the adventure. So, one comes at the beginning, the other at the end.
I'm not super happy with either of them, to be honest. The point of no return is a throwaway -- the adventure would be just fine without it.
The fork in the road, though, is a bit better. It's not in a literal road, but it does present the party with a choice -- the path to the ritual, or the path less traveled. My idea is that the players might take the hint from the backstory they've been given, and see that the untraveled path is probably the path to the introvert. In retrospect, I gave the party little way to suspect that they could split up and take both paths, and actually have some sort of advantage, but since this is NOT the point of no return, there's no reason they couldn't do a little scouting and figure that out for themselves.
Early on, I had the idea of using "fork" as a trident -- and somehow putting a trident in the road in one scene as a way of smirking and covering that ingredient. There just wasn't a good way to make that work in a good, organic manner, so I gave up on it -- but I retained the trident (as the symbol of the order of clerics serving Gremtilosse) for the fun of it. Part of me hopes that readers see that and groan to themselves Oh noes, he's going to stick a trident in the road and call it a fork in the road, how lame - and then be pleasantly surprised that I didn't go there.
Writing it up, I was very mindful of the way I judge: I'm not a big fan of heavy backstory in these entries, especially if it's backstory that the players don't encounter. There are important pieces of information in the backstory for the players, so I made sure that I made my background for the adventure as limited as possible, and I also basically hand that information to the PCs in the handouts (in the hook), so they have access to most, if not all, of the information in the backstory.
It's also a drag to write about Aboleths, who technically have both male and female parts and are "it" rather than "he" or "she".
Word count isn't an issue for this round, but I like the practice. IMO good editing and judicious use of bullet points improves readability and can seriously cut down word count without having to give up meaning or story elements.
In the end…. I'm not totally happy with it, as an entry. My use of the ingredients was not as good as I would like. I expect to take a beating for Point of No Return, for sure, and perhaps for Fork and for Lonely City. Some readers may not see the sermon as "inspirational" -- even though it's intent is to literally imbue the Aboleth with spiritual energy (the inspiration is actually for the aboleth, not the audience). I think it works, but it's dangling out there for interpretation, so we'll see how that goes. My changeling isn't as strong as it could be, either -- his changeling-ness could be pulled out of the story (it's actually more important that he's drunk than it is that he's a changeling).
I like the story as a whole, I think it would be a fun adventure to run. I like the idea of the city besieged by it's own ruler, the forced faith as a power source, the order of monks running the city. There are opportunities for all kinds of interaction (environmental encounters, social encounters, fun roleplaying for the DM with the drunk changeling, and plenty of combat encounters) and the potential for a complex final battle on two fronts. But, though inspired by the ingredients, it's possibly not the best use of many of them.
Gotta love Iron DM.
[/sblock]
-rg
Thanks, Rune, and EP, excellent entry. Since Rune has been asking for a look at how we wrote our entries, I wrote this one up tuesday after I posed mine -- before I saw Rune's review.
[sblock]
The Introverted Aboleth seemed like the obvious big bad… I immediately paired him with the changeling as his servant, although the initial ideas I had there didn't look much like the final version.
The sermon, as a writing exercise, resonated for me with the introversion of the aboleth, so those two went together. I imagined that obsessive writer who wants nothing to do with the world, only wants to work on his project. You know, what we wish George RR Martin were more like, so he'd write his books faster.
Lonely city gave me the audience for the sermon, and ideas for the situation started to come together.
The ingredients I had the hardest time with were the Fork in the Road and the Point of No Return. In part, they frustrated me because they were conceptually so close to each other -- a fork in the road may well be the point of no return, at the same time. Since I didn't think I wanted to have one element that tried to cover two ingredients, I decided to separate them as much as possible in the adventure. So, one comes at the beginning, the other at the end.
I'm not super happy with either of them, to be honest. The point of no return is a throwaway -- the adventure would be just fine without it.
The fork in the road, though, is a bit better. It's not in a literal road, but it does present the party with a choice -- the path to the ritual, or the path less traveled. My idea is that the players might take the hint from the backstory they've been given, and see that the untraveled path is probably the path to the introvert. In retrospect, I gave the party little way to suspect that they could split up and take both paths, and actually have some sort of advantage, but since this is NOT the point of no return, there's no reason they couldn't do a little scouting and figure that out for themselves.
Early on, I had the idea of using "fork" as a trident -- and somehow putting a trident in the road in one scene as a way of smirking and covering that ingredient. There just wasn't a good way to make that work in a good, organic manner, so I gave up on it -- but I retained the trident (as the symbol of the order of clerics serving Gremtilosse) for the fun of it. Part of me hopes that readers see that and groan to themselves Oh noes, he's going to stick a trident in the road and call it a fork in the road, how lame - and then be pleasantly surprised that I didn't go there.
Writing it up, I was very mindful of the way I judge: I'm not a big fan of heavy backstory in these entries, especially if it's backstory that the players don't encounter. There are important pieces of information in the backstory for the players, so I made sure that I made my background for the adventure as limited as possible, and I also basically hand that information to the PCs in the handouts (in the hook), so they have access to most, if not all, of the information in the backstory.
It's also a drag to write about Aboleths, who technically have both male and female parts and are "it" rather than "he" or "she".
Word count isn't an issue for this round, but I like the practice. IMO good editing and judicious use of bullet points improves readability and can seriously cut down word count without having to give up meaning or story elements.
In the end…. I'm not totally happy with it, as an entry. My use of the ingredients was not as good as I would like. I expect to take a beating for Point of No Return, for sure, and perhaps for Fork and for Lonely City. Some readers may not see the sermon as "inspirational" -- even though it's intent is to literally imbue the Aboleth with spiritual energy (the inspiration is actually for the aboleth, not the audience). I think it works, but it's dangling out there for interpretation, so we'll see how that goes. My changeling isn't as strong as it could be, either -- his changeling-ness could be pulled out of the story (it's actually more important that he's drunk than it is that he's a changeling).
I like the story as a whole, I think it would be a fun adventure to run. I like the idea of the city besieged by it's own ruler, the forced faith as a power source, the order of monks running the city. There are opportunities for all kinds of interaction (environmental encounters, social encounters, fun roleplaying for the DM with the drunk changeling, and plenty of combat encounters) and the potential for a complex final battle on two fronts. But, though inspired by the ingredients, it's possibly not the best use of many of them.
Gotta love Iron DM.
[/sblock]
-rg
Radiating Gnome
Adventurer
I see that your assessment more or less matched mine in many instances. I guess that means you knew better on some of those ingredients!
I knew I was going to get a lashing, yeah. But, you know, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
-rg
Rune
Once A Fool
[MENTION=6726030]Mike Myler[/MENTION] and [MENTION=54988]Dragonwriter[/MENTION], you have 24 hours to post your entries to this thread. Please include a list of ingredients at the beginning of the entry and please do not edit your post once it is submitted. Please refrain from reading your opponent's entry until after you have posted your own. You are on your honor to do so.
Your ingredients are:
Point of Origin
Transcendence
Aberration
Death Spiral
Sentient Prey
Tasteless Joke
Your ingredients are:
Point of Origin
Transcendence
Aberration
Death Spiral
Sentient Prey
Tasteless Joke
Dragonwriter
First Post
Got them. Ideas are swimming in their own sort of primordial soup. Should be fun.
Mike Myler
Have you been to LevelUp5E.com yet?
And awayyyyyyyy!
Mike Myler
Have you been to LevelUp5E.com yet?
I wanna make sure I'm doing this correctly - do I need to put in statistics and the like, making a fully playable adventure short of nothing but maps, or am I doing everything except for the statistics?
Rune
Once A Fool
Mike, you can put in statistics if you want, but it'll most likely be wasted space and time. As far as the judgement goes, I'd much rather you spent that space and time polishing the rough edges off of the entry. Basically, put in what you need to in order to present your adventure clearly. Leave out everything else.
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