Iron DM "Home Game"
- Thread starter mmadsen
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Rune
Once A Fool
Alright. I'll break this up section by section and save my analysis of your use of the ingredients for last. I'm going to be as harsh as I possibly can, here (as I will be for all of the entries that I critique). Please don't take it personally or badly if I trash something you really like; I have my own biases that will inevitably slip through, although I will try to curb them; I will try to be as nemmerlesque as I can possibly be in my critique. My hope is that I will help you (in general, not evileeyore in particular) to give strong showings in future installments of the Iron DM tournament.
Okay, evileeyore (I love the name, by the way) first:
First, the background: A little sketchy, but not bogged down in convoluted detail. I would hesitate to say that the background is stellar; with the opposing power factions and guilds, there would have been ample opportunities to flesh out some intrigue, but evileeyore did not focus on it. Still, it's interesting enough and strong enough to provide a good backbone for the scenario, which is the point. I do have one issue, however. Why hasn't Boreanis' crew figured out that he is a vampire, if he keeps seducing women and stealing them away (and presumably being finished with them before they get to the next port)?
Next, the hooks: First of all, don't ever say:
You varied the hooks, which is good, and, while I generally don't like hooks that require railroading from the DM, you're patrons are not so bad. I can't really say that I think your first hook is any good, though; maybe it's just the games I've been in, but PC's, in my experience, don't go from town to town looking for odd jobs, like drifters from the Dust Bowl. The jobs tend to find them. I guess my problem with this one is that it requires a proactive decision on the part of the players, before the game even begins, which they probably won't go for. On the other hand, your last hook is very nice. It's broad enough to be easy for use and doesn't require that the PCs feel railroaded at all. If they want something, they have to pay for it. Nice.
Okay, now for the scenario: Overall, it's a pretty nice little scenario, offering the PCs a chance to interact with a number of interesting characters. However, I have a couple of questions/issues. First, why, why, why, oh, why did you have to throw in a drow? Second, there doesn't look like much action can take place in this scenario. It's good to provide ways to avoid action, if the players choose, but it's not good to not provide ways for the players to get into some action, if they want to. You have some areas that could have been pretty good for it, but you defuse the situation--for instance, your angry mob would have been a great adversary, but it is instead calmed by an NPC. That's not good. Okay, it's possible the PC's could fight the guards of the dragon (who are the guards, by the way? Does the town know about the dragon?), the vampire, or the dragon itself, but it seems most likely that they won't. Sigh.
Alright, now for the ingredients: I think you blew your use of the Angry Mob. You should try to create ingredients that the PCs can interact with in some significant way. Here, all the PCs can do is sit around and watch your drow do everything. Bah.
Your use of the Costume Jewelry feels tacked on at first, but it is redeemed by it's intricate weaving throughout the rest of the scenerio. However, your definition of "costume jewelry" must differ from mine, because, in my world, costume jewelry is fake. For this reason only, I don't think your use of the ingredient would cut it.
No matter how many times I read this scenario, I can't find the Alchemist's Fire. I'm forced to conclude that you didn't bother with it, or it's painfully tacked on in an incredibly obscure manner. Strike.
I like your Silver Dragon. He's righteous and blinded by his own arrogance. I think this is a strong character that could have used some more development.
On the other hand, I can't see why your Foppish Vampire Bard is foppish at all. He's a fairly good character; a vampire out at sea brings us back to the classics, while keeping things tense, as well. Having the PCs in a confined space with a vampire is a rat-bastardly thing to do, especially if it is their decision to board the ship. This is good. However, because your vampire isn't a fop, no dice.
I also like your use of the Apparatus of Kwalish (or, more accurately, the handful of them!) I do wonder how and why the Thieves' guild loaned so many to the vampire, though--and why you don't list this as information the PCs can find out.
Overall, I'd say it's a pretty good entry, but not so polished. It has several flaws that could have been avoided with patience and care. In the end, I can't really say that I think this entry would have beaten Vaxalon's, but it's a pretty good stab at it. I hope to see more of your entries; you're creative--and that's the most important thing to be in the Iron DM tournament.
Okay, evileeyore (I love the name, by the way) first:
First, the background: A little sketchy, but not bogged down in convoluted detail. I would hesitate to say that the background is stellar; with the opposing power factions and guilds, there would have been ample opportunities to flesh out some intrigue, but evileeyore did not focus on it. Still, it's interesting enough and strong enough to provide a good backbone for the scenario, which is the point. I do have one issue, however. Why hasn't Boreanis' crew figured out that he is a vampire, if he keeps seducing women and stealing them away (and presumably being finished with them before they get to the next port)?
Next, the hooks: First of all, don't ever say:
That's just inviting the reader to find something wrong with it.
You varied the hooks, which is good, and, while I generally don't like hooks that require railroading from the DM, you're patrons are not so bad. I can't really say that I think your first hook is any good, though; maybe it's just the games I've been in, but PC's, in my experience, don't go from town to town looking for odd jobs, like drifters from the Dust Bowl. The jobs tend to find them. I guess my problem with this one is that it requires a proactive decision on the part of the players, before the game even begins, which they probably won't go for. On the other hand, your last hook is very nice. It's broad enough to be easy for use and doesn't require that the PCs feel railroaded at all. If they want something, they have to pay for it. Nice.
Okay, now for the scenario: Overall, it's a pretty nice little scenario, offering the PCs a chance to interact with a number of interesting characters. However, I have a couple of questions/issues. First, why, why, why, oh, why did you have to throw in a drow? Second, there doesn't look like much action can take place in this scenario. It's good to provide ways to avoid action, if the players choose, but it's not good to not provide ways for the players to get into some action, if they want to. You have some areas that could have been pretty good for it, but you defuse the situation--for instance, your angry mob would have been a great adversary, but it is instead calmed by an NPC. That's not good. Okay, it's possible the PC's could fight the guards of the dragon (who are the guards, by the way? Does the town know about the dragon?), the vampire, or the dragon itself, but it seems most likely that they won't. Sigh.
Alright, now for the ingredients: I think you blew your use of the Angry Mob. You should try to create ingredients that the PCs can interact with in some significant way. Here, all the PCs can do is sit around and watch your drow do everything. Bah.
Your use of the Costume Jewelry feels tacked on at first, but it is redeemed by it's intricate weaving throughout the rest of the scenerio. However, your definition of "costume jewelry" must differ from mine, because, in my world, costume jewelry is fake. For this reason only, I don't think your use of the ingredient would cut it.
No matter how many times I read this scenario, I can't find the Alchemist's Fire. I'm forced to conclude that you didn't bother with it, or it's painfully tacked on in an incredibly obscure manner. Strike.
I like your Silver Dragon. He's righteous and blinded by his own arrogance. I think this is a strong character that could have used some more development.
On the other hand, I can't see why your Foppish Vampire Bard is foppish at all. He's a fairly good character; a vampire out at sea brings us back to the classics, while keeping things tense, as well. Having the PCs in a confined space with a vampire is a rat-bastardly thing to do, especially if it is their decision to board the ship. This is good. However, because your vampire isn't a fop, no dice.
I also like your use of the Apparatus of Kwalish (or, more accurately, the handful of them!) I do wonder how and why the Thieves' guild loaned so many to the vampire, though--and why you don't list this as information the PCs can find out.
Overall, I'd say it's a pretty good entry, but not so polished. It has several flaws that could have been avoided with patience and care. In the end, I can't really say that I think this entry would have beaten Vaxalon's, but it's a pretty good stab at it. I hope to see more of your entries; you're creative--and that's the most important thing to be in the Iron DM tournament.
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evileeyore
Mrrrph
Rune said:
No problem in fact I expect a harsh review, after it it doesn't kill me it can only cripple me for life.
HehRune said:
Yes I like my nom de plum as well...
Hmmm, I knew I was leaving something out... The idea was the crew was supposed to be in on it. But rather loyal, after all the Vampire isn't going to engage in combat at port often, and even less at ssea. Also he treats his flunkies well. I seem to have completely lost the NPC Personalty section I was going to write. I looked on my copy and couldn't find it either. I thought I had written it. D'oh
Rune said:
D'oh that was part of my original notes that somehow failed to be editted out. This contest seemingly became harder the more I wrote...
Rune said:
Once I had all this typed up the glaring part missing was the Hook. All I had was the line "This is the hardest step". I then began brainstorming. I realized I had this case of 'costume jewelry" just tacked on to his cargo and decided it had to be woven in better...
Rune said:
The Drow bit was in my notes and was explianed (in the missing NPC description section) as his method of disguise. He can't operate during the day. Neither can Drow. Do people just automatically try to burst into a drows cabin and stake him in the heart. Okay some groups will... Well it was supposed to just be a disguise... I plead insanity...
As for the for the angry mob... I was meaning that more as a method of introducing a plot element than a confrontation. i thought it was weak and I was right. If I was aiming to publish this I would have to rewrite it.
Rune said:
AHHHHH, my beuatiful Alchemist Fire trap got lost in the Dragon's Hoard description... NOOOOOO... Seems I dropped the ball.
And yes our descriptions are different. I lost the description section in which the jewelry was to be comment on as being for a costume ball... Thus the expensive jewelry was intended to be used in the creation and worn with costumes... Hmmm, sounds really weak that way too.
Rune said:
I am really proud of the Dragon. In fact originally the cargo was stolen by a group of pirates whose flagship was called "The Silver Dragon"... The more I thought about the island setup, the more I realized the potential for a rightoues Dragon law enforcer of the seas. In fact I like it so much I will definitely use it should I ever manage to run a game.
The foppishness was more to be a personality thing... I have difficulty with creating fops... It seems I dropped the ball here as well... D'oh
The Apparatus just fell into the story perfectly. And he was supposed to have been slowly accumulating them over the years. This didn't come out as well I had intended... The number of Apparatus got inflated the more I considered the sheer scope of the project they were to be used in. Should I ever rewrite this I will have to include a provisio for the DM to increase or decrease the number (within a set amount) based on if the PCs have access to Teleport... After when I thought about defeating this with my current group my Sorceror would have just t-ported out with the loot and then come back for his friends...
Rune said:
The longer I worked on the entry the more I realized why I don't prewrite my scenarios to this level of detail. Namely i start quickly running out of steam and a lot of crucial details (that exhist in a proto form in my mind) get left out. For instance I aparently wrote an intire section in my head that failed to see the light of day. And even though I reread this 4 times (with a good break in the middle) I still missed this fact...
Lessons I've learned. Don't dis someone elses efforts unless you have proven to do better. Going back over the adventure with Rune's fine tooth comb I can see all the gaps my mind was filling in for me that some else wouldn't be able to see, because it was never written. I also learned that 24 hours is a rough time frame, mostly because I blew my own 24 hour schedule... I had the adventure in skeleton form on paper, and posted here I would finish it later that night. Then I failed to have time that evening. The following evening I jumped right onto the computer and discovered just how long it can take to type out 3+ pages. And I still didn't get it up to a quality I could boast about..
Over all I am proud of it (although it could use alot of polish). It has a good amount of potential and with some fleshing out could lead to some good hooks down the road.
PS: I am suprised no one chastised me for the blatant Vampire name dropping... Okay I admit my Vampire Fop is no Angel, but I would have thought David Boreanis would have immediately come to mind...
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I'm not sure it's a good idea to "dis" even then. In the spirit of constructive criticism though, I'll make my few minor points.
First, as Rune pointed out, costume jewelry is cheap, trendy stuff. I lost focus on the adventure each time I read about expensive costume jewelry. Reading about costume jewelry in the ingredient list made me expect an adventure with real jewelry and cheap "costume" fakes. (Interestingly, the Merriam-Webster entry points out that the term "costume jewelry" only goes back to 1927.)
Second, why a Drow elf? Rune bemoans the mere presence of a Drow, but I ask, how is that a safe disguise? Are townsfolk really supposed to say, "Oh, he's just a dark elf"? (I dunno, I don't follow Forgotten Realms, but I though Drow were sinister and evil.)
Third, multiple Apparati of Kwalish? Aren't those worth more than the lost jewelry?
Anyway, those are the quick thoughts that popped into my head.
I'm assuming I've got more than a few of those in my quick adventure write-ups.
Totally!
It's so much easier to just read someone else's adventure and find the holes, isn't it?
That's how I felt about my Kuo-Toa/Ghoul entry.
Hypersmurf
Moderatarrrrh...
I'm interested to see more...
Is the "Home Thread" restricted to ingredient lists from the reent competition, or can the Home Viewers propose new combinations?
For example :
Nystul's Undetectable Aura
Windmill
Sovereign Glue
Gelatinous Cube
Pathological Liar
Thunderstorm
-Hyp.
Is the "Home Thread" restricted to ingredient lists from the reent competition, or can the Home Viewers propose new combinations?
For example :
Nystul's Undetectable Aura
Windmill
Sovereign Glue
Gelatinous Cube
Pathological Liar
Thunderstorm
-Hyp.
