Joke Names you've never used...but want to.


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You should have a festival in which flocks of Dire Rhea are released into a snaking, blocked off path to the harbor, chasing foolhardy volunteers who are dressed in brown pants. The Running of the Dire Rhea will become quite the spectacle...

...because the race’s path resembles a squier’s bent legs as he kneels to be knighted, it is called The Knight’s Legs.

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Rules Monkey
The gnome swashbuckler who always uses a fake name - either The Gnome D'guerre or The Gnome D'Plume
The gnome in charge of naming gnomes - The Gnome Enclay Chure
The always hungry gnome - The Nom Gnome


Back when I was playing 3rd Edition, I had a hankering to play a half-orc bard, with slapstick as his bardic performance style, named Krusky the Klown.


Found 'em! Judging by the stats, I wrote up the dire rhea back in the 3.0 days. They appeared in Bride of a Portable Hole Full of Beer.

Large Animal
Hit Dice: ..................3d8+6 (19 hp)
Initiative: ................+4 (Dex)
Speed: .....................50 ft.
AC: ........................17 (-1 size, +4 Dex, +4 natural)
Attacks: ...................Claw +5 melee, beak peck +0 melee
Damage: ....................Claw 1d6+2, beak peck 1d3+1
Face/Reach: ................5 ft. by 5 ft./10 ft.
Special Qualities: .........Sprint
Saves: .....................Fort +3, Ref +7, Will +2
Abilities: .................Str 15, Dex 19, Con 14, Int 2, Wis 12, Cha 10
Skills: ....................Jump +3, Listen +6, Spot +7
Feats: .....................Weapon Finesse (claw, beak peck)
Climate/Terrain: ...........Warm and temperate grasslands
Organization: ..............Solitary or flock (2-6)
Challenge Rating: ..........2
Treasure: ..................Nil
Alignment: .................Always neutral
Advancement Range: .........4-6 HD (Large); 7-9 HD (Huge)

Ostrich-like in build, dire rheas are large, flightless birds that stand some 10-12 feet tall. They are known for their drab brown coloration, although it isn't unknown for a dire rhea to have streaks of green running through its drooping feathers.

Dire rheas have three clawed toes on each powerful, armor-plated leg.

These creatures are known for their sudden bursts of speed, but can also maintain a healthy pace for quite a long time. One could say that while dire rheas have mastered "the runs," they are quite adept at "the trots" as well.

Dire rheas are omnivorous, supplementing their largely vegetarian diet with the occasional small mammal or lizard. Oddly, many seem to have a craving for fish, crustaceans, and other river creatures, and often go splashing around along riverbanks attacking such prey. In fact, it's often "something in the water" that directly results in a dire
rhea attack.

During the mating season, the males - often much larger than the females - become very aggressive, and may attack creatures significantly larger than their standard prey. When conditions are right, nobody's safe from the dire rhea!

A dire rhea frequently strikes without warning, often at the most inopportune time. After chasing down its intended victim, it strikes out with a clawed foot and pecks with its sharp beak. After it has slain and devoured its prey, the dire rhea spends considerable effort grooming itself, wiping any traces of blood and viscera from its beak by rubbing its face against its feathery wings. Immediately after a dire rhea attack, there is often quite a bit of wiping!

Sprint (Ex): Once an hour, a dire rhea can take a charge action to move ten times its normal speed (500 feet). Such violent surges forward prompt some sages to refer to these creatures as "explosive dire rheas."

Training a Dire Rhea
Training a dire rhea as a riding mount requires a successful Handle Animal check (DC 18 for a young creature - called a "squirt" - or DC 25 for an adult) and that the creature be willing. Dire rheas mature in about two years.
Trainers can reduce the DC by 5 and the rearing time by one-half by using a magical bridle enchanted for this purpose.

Dire rhea eggs are worth 100 gp apiece on the open market, while squirts are valued at 300 gp each. Professional trainers (those willing to muck about with dire rheas in the first place) charge 500 gp to rear or train a dire rhea.
Riding a trained dire rhea requires an exotic saddle, and most people dislike sitting on a dire rhea without one in any case. A dire rhea can fight while carrying a rider, but the rider cannot also attack unless he or she succeeds at a Ride check (see the Ride skill in Core Rulebook I).

Carrying Capacity: A light load for a dire rhea is up to 132 pounds; a medium load, 133-266 pounds; and a heavy load, 267-400 pounds.

(Incidentally, I was also responsible for the Cyclopean Breech Serpent entry and the "Magic WeaPuns" article in the PDF.)



As for joke names I haven't used (yet), I'm planning on my next campaign having a gnome potionmaker named Aenus Feysputter - a perfectly respectable gnomish name, despite it sounding remarkably like "Anus Face Butter" in the Common tongue. He'll be a fairly important NPC in that campaign, I'm thinking (if only because I intend to use him as often as possible).



Staff member
CHOLOTHULHU: this Great Old One dresses in khaki-colored chinos, a wifebeater sleeveless teeshirt under a flannel shirt with only the top buttoned- its color a mix of hues just barely visible to the human eye. Matching the flannel in color, a bandana is wrapped around Cholothulhu’s forehead, set halfway down over the eyes. It has been known to wear footwear resembling either Converse Chuck Taylors or flashy Stacy Adams wingtips.

This being has black ink tattoos of unknown calligraphy on its mouth tentacles and limbs.

He has no known permanent residence, but has been known to crash in the back of an old Irish pub downtown, Riley’s.

Atlatl Jones

How fully did you explore the concept? Was there an empire built on the force of Dire Rhea dragoons in service to the Throne Of Dire Rhea? Did peasants run in fear of the Riders of Dire Rhea?
The Dire Rhea seem to originate in the mountains, especially a heavily mined one named Ezuma. As a result, they're sometimes called Mont Ezuma's Revenge.

They will plague the land until great hero Immodium drives them away.

Atlatl Jones

I've been wanting to make a minotaur paladin named Sir Loin, and a gnome named Chomsky. I'm currently playing a goblin named Verde Groen.

Recently I've been using whatever odd name pops into my head fully formed when making a character, which is how Magister Thundacious Polysyllabicon was born, as well as the delicate and cowardly elven wizard Willowblossom Carnageblaster.


Staff member
In my heart of hearts, I hope some adventure writer is taking all of this thread in and designing something for a convention...


For some time, I've been wanting to run:

1) A bard named Dore Mifaso LaTido.

As one or two others have noted, it's not an uncommon idea - mine was Doremi Fasolatido... ;)
(Well, one of them, anyway - I can't quite remember, but I may have actually used the idea more than once.)

He was a suave and debonair ladies' man with a fine tenor voice. I had a bad Latin/Italian-ish accent all ready for him and everything.

Unfortunately, the party never met him as they got...creative...with their problem-solving and simply burned down the inn where the person they were trying to intercept was staying, rather than going in to try to capture/kill the guy.
And thus, Doremi and about half a dozen other interesting NPCs met their fiery dooms without ever having seen game time.


Well, the first character I made for HARP SF. She's a Gorsiva (bird-like person, but wing membranes inflate, no hollow bones), Fusion Scout (Psion/Scout hybrid), from the Frontier culture. Her name is Jynifer "Jynee" Tutohn, she has the training package "MegaCorp Mercenary", work(s/ed) for Gadgetron, and her Gadgetron agent number is, you guessed it: 8675309.

Epic Threats

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