Kissing a shy girl.

[Rel]

Likuidice, I think people are jumping the gun on giving you advice here.

It all depends on how committed you are to this woman and how easy it would be for you to find another satisfactory partner. If you are very committed to this person and think it would be very very difficult to find a worthy partner in future, perhaps you should cave in to these admittedly unreasonable demands.

I respect your right to disagree, fusangite, but I assure you that I was not "jumping the gun" if, by using that phrase, you think that my advice was flippant or not well considered. If I were to name the top two reasons that I've seen relationships turn bad and eventually destroy themselves, the first reason would be "lack of trust". The second would be "lack of respect".

I'm saying that if she does not respect Likuidice and his enjoyment of his hobby then this relationship will almost certainly end badly anyway. Therefore he risks nothing by making a stand over something like this.

If we were talking about a one-time "unreasonable demand" then I would advise nothing of the sort. If, for example, he had been planning for months to go to GenCon or another gaming event and she suddenly decided that she wanted him to go with her to visit her parents instead, then I'd have probably advised that he give in with the understanding that in the future he wanted a bit more consideration. But we're talking about her demanding that he give up a hobby that has been a substantial part of his life and one that he would wish to pursue presumably for many years to come.

Every time he hears a friend talk about the cool game they had last week or pops onto ENWorld or drives past the local game store, he's going to think about the fact that he's not gaming. And it's all because of HER! That will wear away at you over time and Likuidice will probably become resentful and unpleasant. And that's assuming that she doesn't try and clean up other aspects of his personality that she doesn't like. Who needs it?!

If the person that you cling to in this world as your mate is also the primary source of your misery then you ain't doin' something right. Yes, in a committed relationship, that person has the right to ask for certain concessions from time to time, even if they're a tad on the unreasonable side. We all do it. But we should also expect that, deep down, they have our happiness in mind and want us to take joy in life. Telling Likuidice that he should give up his hobby because she thinks it is "silly" is nothing but a power play.

Maybe I've been spoiled by having a great relationship with my wife, but I'd rather be alone and at least free to pursue my interests than to be with someone who wants to squash my happiness.

YMMV

 

[devilish]

Err!!! The thread-hijack is making my blood boil...deep breath deep breath.
*cough*

Ok.

Likuidice,
First off, your mileage may vary; you may have found *the* person; take time
to soul search; etc.

In _my_ experience, after I got married, my wife's "discomfort" at me roleplaying
turned into "you can't - it's either rp or me." I roleplayed 1X every 2 weeks, bought
only the core books, nothing extreme or addict-like. Just she didn't see the
point of the childish-game. And she didn't like some of the people I roleplayed
with for, I found out later, bigoted reasons.

Next to go were computer games.

Next to go after that was reading and writing science fiction.

I did it all because I thought, as fusangite mentioned: " If you are very committed to this
person and think it would be very very difficult to find a worthy partner in future, perhaps
you should cave in to these admittedly unreasonable demands."

(no offense, friend fusangite -- my mileage varied.)

You can guess what happened.


Now, I'm happily divorced, reunited after many years with my roleplaying
friends, enjoying my hobbies, and loving life with a ferocity that pales
my beleaguered married life.

Of course, there were more problems in my marriage than roleplaying, hobbies, etc.
But my spider-sense kicked off early on and I should've listened to it, should've
respected my private-time, should've known better.

In essence, likuidice, I remembered when I was sitting where you are now.

Again, your mileage may vary -- maybe there's a deeper issue with her that you
need to look at, find out why she's uncomfortable with your "kid's" game ( which
should be a hint);

*steps off soapbox and dusts it off*

sorry folks. Just telling the tale from someone who just came out from
the other side.

-D

 

[Rel]

I just now remembered that fusangite recently said that he primarily came to ENWorld to argue. Maybe that last post just puts him in a position to "stir the pot".

 

[devilish]

I just now remembered that fusangite recently said that he primarily came to ENWorld to argue. Maybe that last post just puts him in a position to "stir the pot".

Ha! Then he succeeded valiantly! I was annoyed from earlier posts but his
put me over the edge.

Rel : excellent points made in your post #51

RW [as per your original post] :
Congratulations and enjoy -- sip every moment and experience the flowering
of your relationship one blessed second at a time.

 

[devilish]

In my experience, early physical contacts are a test to determine whether mutual goodwill will transform into a relationship; and these tests proceed as a series of higher-stakes, more intense stages. Early physical contacts are like an obstacle course -- different tests with escalating levels of difficulty that are all, nonetheless, part of the same event. Just because you passed the hand-holding test doesn't mean you've passed the kiss test. Clearing the hurdle just gives you a chance to fit through the tunnel of tires; it doesn't offer you any surety you will get through it. Once you fail any test, you've lost.

I could also use the metaphor of a final exam. The fact that you're sitting the exam means that you have met most of the conditions for passing the course. But if you fail the final, all the tests leading up to it suddenly become worthless in the face of this final failure. So, the fact that the kiss didn't work out makes all the hand holding irrelevant. It seems to me that Cat has just gone from being nearly your girlfriend to not your girlfriend.

This was very well put, by the way (and saying this was the reason I was
going to post here in the first place ).

Though, like certain entrance exams, I found that you can take the test "twice"
before getting a pass/fail grade. After 2 times though, you're stuck
with the results you've got.

My only problem is ..... hijack alert ... is why does it always seem that the
men are taking the exam and the women are the ones administering the
exam?

 

[fusangite]

My only problem is ..... hijack alert ... is why does it always seem that the
men are taking the exam and the women are the ones administering the exam?

Because we're not ducks. In our species, the females have the beautiful plumage.

 

[Desdichado]

I don't remember my first kiss, but I do remember the first time I kissed my wife.

Same here. And my wife said our first kiss sucked, too.

Although she does admit that our second kiss; and all of the subsequent ones, were superlative examples of the art.

 

[likuidice]

Thanks guys, i'm taking it on board, i've had girlfriends, and i'm quite sure i can find another one, but this one really does make me happy, other than the games stuff, i think she has some insecurity issues, but we'll try to work things out.

 

[Naathez]

Best of luck to you, likuidice. Hope we helped, at least a little.

 

[Dirigible]

Because we're not ducks. In our species, the females have the beautiful plumage.

Try telling that to my fine, bristling beard.