Losing gamers to "relationship-land"

[Mathew_Freeman]

Well, one of the many reasons I split up with my last gf was the fact that I gamed on a regular basis and she didn't really like it. There were many more important reasons, but gaming was in there somewhere. *shrug* I don't feel I lost out by splitting up with her.

-Tallarn.

 

[Elf Witch]

From having seen this kind of thing, I'd guess one of two possibilities:

1) It is, to some degree, an abusive relationship.

2) He's getting something out of the power dynamic with her that's better than gaming.

#2 sounds a little weird, so let me do the long tedious version: Some people prefer relationships where their SO and their friends/hobbymates are fighting for their attention. Or they like romances that are high-conflict and full of drama, and then rushing back to their worried friends when the relationship crashes and burns.

What I think is going on is that she was not showing this side of her when they first were going out. He moved in with her changed his whole life for her. He was planning on going into the Navy they payed for his education. He took out a loan to payback the Navy so he could stay down here. He has invested a lot in this relationship and wants it to work out. Now that she is pulling this crap over him gaming or even just hanging out with anyone but her he doesn't know quite what to do. He does love her and I don't think he is ready to either tell her to get help and go see a someone or walk out.

I really believe when you see someone giving up say all their magic cards and gaming books or say their golf clubs because their significant other does not approve of their hobby you are seeing the start of a relationship from hell. This person may say they love you but they don't seem to have much respect for you because if they did they would at least show some support for your interest.

 

[damieus]

Umm... it would be an exercise in futility to seperate me from gaming. Not because gaming is soo important to me that I would never give it up, but because that's part of who I am. I play RPGs, I read philosophy, I enjoy fantasy and movies and rock music. If you tell me that you think I should never go to another movie as long as I am with an SO then the relationship simply is not going to work.

See, it isnt a matter of the movies being more important than the girl, its a matter of if the girl thinks that she is sooooo important so that I should spend my every waking moment being with/thinking about/longing for her then there are waaaayyyy deeper problems then her dislike of the movies.

Of course, most of my relationships end with one of us saying: "Hey, umm.. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I think we're better as friends then [SO]s." And the other replying: "Really? Me too! Thank god, I was worried about how to bring it up."

 

[Darklance]

I think it depends on the people. My parents have been married for 32 years and neither have any friends but themselves really. It's not that they're anti social, that just how they are. They're their own best friends as well as partners.

 

[mythago]

Big difference between wanting your partner's company, and giving up hobbies or friends you care about to avoid a fight.

He moved in with her changed his whole life for her.

See, the problem is not that she turned into Ms. Hyde. When the relationship starts off with one person completely changing their whole life, you have red flags a-flappin' right away.

 

[Silver Moon]

No, it means "losing". It's one of the top-10 most annoying spelling errors on line

Thanks Lizard, the typo has been corrected. I usually make it a point to run spell check on all of my Story Hour and discussion posts, but somehow missed this time.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I began this thread yesterday very soon after the incident I described, and I was still rather annoyed at the way he let me know he was leaving the group. I've had a day to think it over, and while I am sorry to see him go, I do wish him well in his relationship. The Sunday night group has gotten along without him before, and will do so again. However, he will definitely be missed at the table as he usually plays the leader of the adventuring party. Oh well, that's life, and it is only a game.

While I am at it, let me put in a shameless plug for my Story Hour. It can be found at the following link, and is set in the Forgotten Realms orient. The story is now approaching the climax battle, and the next chapter will have some very interesting cameo appearances by a demigod from several F.R. Novels and several heroes from the City of Greyhawk.

http://enworld.cyberstreet.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=28642&pagenumber=1

 

[Ravellion]

I think that in the original post, the gamer wasn't perceiving the game to be more than a simple pasttime.

In our group, we are simply 5 friends. We choose to spend our one week a night where we can actually all see each other with a game of D&D or more recently D20 Modern. We see the game as all sharing the same hobby that just happens on the night that we see eachother as friends.

Then there are cases somewhere in between these two extremes.

If it's nothing more than a simple pasttime, you probably have other hobbies and might want to walk out of your gaming to spend time with your SO. If it is your primary hobby and possibly the only day in the week you see your friends, your SO should be able to settle with the rest of the week.

Rav

 

[DustTC]

Is it just me, or is this thread about something completely different then what the title would have us believe?

It's supposed to be about relationships (and how they affect gaming). Yet half the things I read here about something different... I think "mutual agreement based on values of sex and money (and drama, cause that's fun too)" is probably the best way to describe it. People who watch too much movies and read too many glossy magazines trying to emulate some behaviour which isn't natural for them (they're too much up their own *** to know how to love).

How could anyone claim that a relationship is what's forcing him to give up a hobby (unless that hobby is something really, really odd )? You'd think "stopping someone from having fun" and "loving someone" are two mutually exclusive things, not?

AFAIK, no relationship has ever broken up a gaming or hobby group. Or it wouldn't be a relationship (well, not in the good sense of the word), just the above mentioned 'contract'.

 

[The Sigil]

No, it means "losing". It's one of the top-10 most annoying spelling errors on line, along with "my rouge uses his sneak attack" and "Your a lamer for whining about spelling, so why don't you take you're dictionary and go home."

I know full well what was meant. However, I figured that taking the spelling error and running with the alternate definition - which certainly turns around the "who's messing with who's life" take, was a worthy direction to go.

I say, "my wife."

I say, "my teddy bear."

I certainly do not mean the same sort of "possession" with the word my. I could say, "my teddy bear that I have complete control over and could rip to pieces if I want to" and nobody would mind. If I said, "my wife that I have complete control over and could rip to pieces if I want to" I get in trouble.

The point is, I don't "own" my players. They are not beholden to me in any way to continue gaming - and if I think they are, I'm in the wrong. We are both in gaming because it is an activity that we mutually agree to do. If one of us wants out, the other one can't - and shouldn't - try to force him to stay. Persuade him to change his mind? Sure. But "my crew" is not the same as "my teddy bear."

Excuse me for trying to turn the perspectives around.

--The Sigil

 

[el-remmen]

It can be even worse when you have two people in group seeing each other and then they break up. . . Often you lose two players - or if you do only lose one, due to Murphy's Law, you will lose the one you like better. . .