Magical swords that no one will make

[janta]

I once gave a thief a pair of matched, inseparable daggers that did nothing but argue with each other when unsheathed.

Heh, that reminds me of the talking guns named Smith and Wesson, from the Buck Godot comic by Phil Foglio. They'd never shut up either.

It's not a wespon, and I suspect it's been done before, but I thought of this yesterday and it made me chuckle: the Wand of Dorcus. Radiating extremely heavy magic, and carved with horrific symbols and glyphs, this seems to be a wand of exceptional -- and evil -- power. All that is a sham, however; when activated, the wand of Dorcus merely turns everyone (caster included) within a 100' radius into a dork. Armor rusts, clothes become ill-fitting and slightly grubby, people get buck-teeth, etc., etc.


Look, I never said it was any good, only that it made me laugh.

--Janta

 

[Angcuru]

Intelligent +1 Truestrike Double Speed Dagger of Cure Light Wounds (As cast by lvl 1 Cleric) -
A dagger that when unsheathed, takes over the arm of its weilder, and proceeds to attempt to inflict stabbity death on the nearest creature with an extra +20 attack bonus and 2 extra attacks per round. The majority of the hits it inflicts heal the opponent more than harm it (1d4+1 damage vs 1d8+1 healing, other bonuses to damage i.e. strength apply to the healing as well), but the dagger keeps stabbing and stabbing until the wielder passes out from exhaustion. The catch is, it doesn't realize that it has a healing power. When sheathed, it constantly tries to convince it's owner to kill things in a voice audible to everyone withing a 15' radius. "Why don't we go kill that over there?" "C'mon I'm a dagger, I'm pretty straightforward in what I waaannnttt!" "Gonna kill! Gonna kill! Gonna kill, kill, KILL!" "C'mon! The murder content in my blood is running low! What do you mean I don't have blood? Shut up!" When it is wielded and has apperently no lasting effect on its target, it keeps shouting "WHY WON'T YOU DIE!?!?!?!?!" as it stabs.

 

[Sejs]

"Why don't we go kill that over there?" "C'mon I'm a dagger, I'm pretty straightforward in what I waaannnttt!"

Lilarcor. Easily the greatest intelligent weapon ever.

"Advice, eh? Well aside from working on your swordsmanship... you know, aside from that, I'd have to think. I know! Find a rich man, and kill him. Then find a richer man and kill him too! Hack and slash your way to fortune! Woohoo!"

 

[Angcuru]

Lilarcor. Easily the greatest intelligent weapon ever.

"Advice, eh? Well aside from working on your swordsmanship... you know, aside from that, I'd have to think. I know! Find a rich man, and kill him. Then find a richer man and kill him too! Hack and slash your way to fortune! Woohoo!"

Exactly. Thought I'd steal some of his better lines.

 

[Gez]

IOU stone: this dull gray piece of hematite has the mind affecting power to cause someone to accept the stone as an IOU in lieu of immediate payment. The duration varies, but is usually just long enough for you to get out of town.

Ion Stone. You get a (harmless, let's be honest) static discharge when you touch it. You can reload it by rubbing it against a cat's fur.

Holey sword: disintigrate 1/day. And evil as the day is long.

Or, alternatively, a pierced sword. With the extra special power of being too brittle to be used as a weapon (must make an item Fort save (DC 10+damage inflicted) after each attack to avoid breaking).

Could be useful against vampires and werewolves, though.
"They're not so much holy as a holey with a silver powder center."

 

[Ogre Mage]

The Lorena Bobbitt Dagger: +1, +5 to castration attacks.

The Tonya Harding Club: +1, +5 for called shots to the knee.

 

[Crothian]

Ugh..that's just bad.....

 

[Bloodsparrow]

Long long time ago... I was in a D&D group that had a member who wasn't exactly the brightest candle on the menorah.

He begged, and prodded, and whined that he wanted to play a Drow. So the DM said, fine, you can play a Drow. Then he begged, and prodded, and whined that he wanted an intelligent sword (God knows why).

So the DM gave him an intelligent sword... Of Drow Slaying.

Every morning it would wake him up with... "Psst! Hey! Let's go kill some Drow!"

Actually, that's all it ever said to him.

He never put it together.

 

[Roudi]

some of my work

In my latest campaign, I screwed all my players over by granting upon them disadvantaged weapons. I was especially cruel to the party paladin. The weapon has no name and isn't intelligent, but certainly had some *interesting* attributes.

The longsword appeared at first to be made of glass. It was actually made of crysteel, metal that had been enchanted to appear as clear as glass. Statistically it was a +1 holy axiomatic merciful longsword... right up his alley. The weapon's real fun began whenever he wielded it.

As he grasped the handle of the longsword, his entire suit of plate mail became completely transparent (first time I had to ask a player what his character was wearing under his armor... thank the gods he remembered to wear his codpiece). Next, the chinks & weak spots on his armor would glow bright red, making them plainly visible. Effectively, I treated every attack against him like this as having a threat range with an additional number. Finally, the words PALADINS SUCK would glow in bright blue letters upon his back. He made quite sure never to draw that sword in public.

Oh, and I did make a Vicious mace for my cleric player. His motto was "smashy smashy," so he didn't mind the burn.

 

[Victim]

Thundering weapons.