Magical swords that no one will make

[Neil Aitken]

We once encountered a rather pretentious and self-righteous Lawful Warhammer +2 of Dancing by the name of Michael Cornelius Hammer

yeah, that's right MC Hammer for short -- if you gave it the command it would jump ahead and dance attack your opponents...

 

[BSF]

A sword that loudly apologizes everytime it hits in battle, no matter how much the person deserved to get hit.

Hmm, fishing for some ideas.

*walks away whistling innocently*

 

[VirgilCaine]

Once, a long time ago, there was a setting sourcebook/adventure for the Swedish RPG Drakar och Demoner called Svavelvinter (Sulphur Winter). One of the more unique items in that adventure was a dagger called Demens. Demens was really the mind of a well-learned sage, thousands of years old, who had been trapped in the dagger as a result of a magical accident. However, most of Demens's knowledge was woefully out of date (he had been lying around in a tomb for centuries if not millenia, after all), and it was pretty useless as a weapon too. Each time you hit someone with it, there was a chance that the blade would come loose, which would result in the dagger shouting "My teef! My teef!"

That is HILARIOUS!

 

[DGFan]

In two campaigns my character ended up with a rapier named "Vern"

It was only +1 but it was intelligent....and really annoying. It thought it was the most powerful magic item in existence and said so every available occasion.

Funny thing was, I never bothered to get it identified. So I just assumed it was boasting. Finally, one day I asked it to do something (I think it was a fireball). So Vern created a fireball. Later I asked for other things...some mundane (like, cleaning my clothes)....others impressive (meteor swarm). Vern never failed to come through. Apaprently Vern could do an unlimited number of programmed illusions at will. The wielder couldn't do them....Vern could.

There was one tiny catch. There was a 1% chance that each illusion would come true with the effect of a wish/alter reality.

Once my character used Vern to cut someone out of a rug of smothering. Another party member successfully disbelieved in the illusion despite the fact that the player kept playing his smothered character. Later, when it actually became reality, the disbelieving player still refused to believe....

Never underestimate the power of the mind of a sick DM combined with an artifact of this magnitude

 

[Macbeth]

Hmm, fishing for some ideas.

*walks away whistling innocently*

Oh. No. Crud.

Actually, that idea was inspired by my room mate, who will apologize for just about anything and everything. If you talk about how the internet is kind of slow today, he'll apologize for it. Talk about how much homework you've got, he'll apologize for it. Talk about the Thirty Years War, he'll apologize for it.

And I love the idea of MC Hammer, but it would have to have control words. "Stop, Hammer Time"

 

[Neil Aitken]

And I love the idea of MC Hammer, but it would have to have control words. "Stop, Hammer Time"

Actually, I'm pretty certain those were the control words -- and we were encouraged to sing along -- "woah... woah.." and make hand motions.

This didn't last long though, our mean-spirited party cleric gave MC Hammer a verbal beating for his unwillingness to assist us in our quest on our terms (he wanted to negotiate a contract and we had to sing every time. An amazing diplomacy and intimidation check later, poor MC Hammer was reduced to sniveling wretch of an ego'd weapon. He later sacrificed himself for our behalf, all the while bemoaning his sad and fallen state...

 

[milotha]

How about an Intelligent Great Sword that refuses to injure your target.
But will only scream and yell insults?

We had an intelligent -1 sword in our party. It was squeamish and vain. It didn't like to get blood on itself or cut people. But it did have several cool abilites, so we kept it around. It had the detect gold and gems ability and would only use it if you promised to encrust it with one more gem on its pommel.

 

[Shadowdancer]

We once encountered a rather pretentious and self-righteous Lawful Warhammer +2 of Dancing by the name of Michael Cornelius Hammer

yeah, that's right MC Hammer for short -- if you gave it the command it would jump ahead and dance attack your opponents...

"Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em."

In 2E I once created an intelligent talking magic sword for one of the players. It was +3 and had some other cool abilities. It talked the talk -- "C'mon, let's go fight something. I want to kill something. C'mon, we can take them all by ourselves" -- but it couldn't walk the walk -- it was actually a coward. Anytime the player tried to hit something or someone in combat, it would scream, and the player had to make a reflex roll in order to even hold onto the sword. Each attack also had a percentage chance of giving the weilder a penalty rather than a plus to hit because the sword would tremble and shake in fear.

 

[DragonShadow]

An intelligent weapon whose special purpose is to Slay Undead, and special purpose power is Slay Living.

A trumpet of invisibility.

--cursed item-- A +1 Dart of the Berserker.

Ring of the Lamb ("But it's still part of the same species, what do you mean it can't charge?!")

Gauntlets of Kobold Power ("Yes, you too can be as strong as a Kobold!")

Potion of Contagion

+1 Holy Vorpal Scythe (While this may be a great weapon, it's just so...ironic)

+1 Whip of Mighty Cleaving

+1 Wild Banded Mail ("But really Obad-Hai...I didn't know it was made of metal!")



That's all I've got right now.

 

[JimAde]

In the vein of the original post:

The Short Sword
Every time it inflicts a crit, it casts a permanent Reduce Person on either the wielder or the target (50% chance of either). Multiple occurrences stack. If the wielder is affected, the sword reduces in size as well so you can keep using it.

Rapier Wit
This +2 rapier has a kender-like magical taunting ability. It will taunt any foe that can understand it. On a failed Will save the foe goes into a rage identical to a barbarian rage. The foe can choose to forego the save.

The Cutless
Appears normal to all tests but in combat the blade becomes non-corporeal.