Mom's getting old and needs direction.... HELP!

[megamania]

Last week my sister was given a call from the park manager where my mother stays in Florida. Strange "animal smells" were coming from her trailer. Deciding to check it out my sister went down.

not good.

Nothing had been picked up or cleaned in months (maybe over a year even). She called my brother and they created a plan. Saturday I was given a call. She was to move in with me and my family.

Not a biggee in that I have been asking her to move in for two years now but now it is a "NOW" situation and the quality of her health and mind are in question.

I took a LOA from one job and I am trying to cut back hours on the job to clear room for her. Turns out however she has major issues with this. She refuses to move in with anyone. Her mind seems good except for depression so we can't force her to stay. My brother thinks otherwise and was annoyed at my calling it kidnapping.


Has anyone here dealt with this before? What should I expect?

 

[freyar]

Wish I could tell you something that would help. All I can say is that it seems kind of common. My grandmother is the same way, kind of. In her case, she's lonely, depressed, and having a lot of memory troubles. My parents have been trying to get her to move in with them, but no luck so far. I believe she's taking prozac or paxil, but I don't think it's helping much. Something to watch out for, since I don't know your mother's age, is that antidepressants aren't necessarily the best idea for patients over 90 or so, if a doctor suggests them. I sometimes worry that part of my grandmother's memory issues are due to the meds...

Anyway, good luck. I really hope you can work things out!

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I've spent the last few years watching my parents and their freinds deal with their parents.

In each case, the elders were a handfull- stubborn, often irrational behavior; strokes, broken bones and other physical health issues; depression; dementia (including "sundowning" in the case of my Grandfather). Calls at all hours of the night and even physical abuse by my grandparents even occurred- punches and strikes with the canes by frustrated, angry elders were not uncommon.

In other words, it could be rough.

My Dad is an MD, and even he couldn't handle all of the demands his parents put on him and his sister.

Eventually, my family adopted a motto derived from the airline industry "Put the mask over your own face first, then help those around you." IOW, make sure you take care of your own needs- including some kind of R&R- before you help your parents- otherwise, your health will suffer, and there will be 2 people who need help.

1) Don't give up too much of your time on the job to help your Mom. If you can afford it, find professional help. Helping lift someone who is physically impaired is tricky, dealing with someone who is combative due to dementia or depression is just as much so, and a pro gets training in both and more.

2) Find out and ACCEPT any help you can get from the City, State, or Feds. Handi-rides, for instance, can help an elder feel like they have some control & independence in their lives if they can't drive anymore. Ask any health-care workers you encounter for info- they'll either know what you need to know or who you need to contact to find out.

3) Find someone with whom you can talk and/or vent. If you don't find some kind of councel, even if its just talking to a friend over coffee and donuts, you'll drive yourself nuts.

My Dad almost killed himself trying to accomidate his father & mother while working full-time at his practice. Each of their deaths, while stressful to him, was also a bit of a relief.

 

[Piratecat]

I'd like to point out that from a third party perspective, it is utterly for your brother and sister to not consult you immediately while creating this plan. No one should be faced with two other siblings "forcing" an aging parent on them; it smacks of passive aggression and emotional blackmail. I don't know your relationship with your family, but just reading this made me resentful on your behalf!

Which might suggest that I have my own issues.

Be aware that taking an aging parent into your home creates lots of family stresses and puts huge strain on marriages. Please make sure that you and your wife are totally together on this 100%, because you'll need to be united on all fronts. I'd also recommend finding forums and support groups for folks in your situation, to see what challenges other people have faced.

 

[megamania]

The reason we were picked as the home is I have offered her space here before. That was under the belief I would have a few months to ready the house for her. How that it so sudden and there may be mental health issues I'm not sure what to think.



When my brother called from the airport, my sister had tested the waters by bringing up the issue of moving in with me.

She will have nothing to do with it. She believes I have dealt with enough in the past few years.

So Tuesday / Wednesday ought to be quite enlightening for me as that is when everyone should be up from Florida and in Vermont.

 

[xrpsuzi]

If she is against living with you and is showing signs that she cannot take care of herself, I would look into a retirement facility that also has assisted living facilities. That way she can remain independent, but if things falter, she can also get the help she needs without changing communities and have to make new friends or get use to new staff.

I looked into this with my grandmother who is nearing 90 and is starting to well, get meaner and more forgetful. She's living with my sister right now, but everyone knows that a bad situation for everyone in the house, especially my sister's kids.

Living multi-generational is really stressful on all parts of your life because you cannot retreat. It's in your home all the time. But if you embark on it, make sure to take time for yourself, for your marriage, and for your kids (if any). Most importantly, set parameters and have an exit strategy that you will follow through on if conditions cross that threshhold (i.e. dementia gets worse, starts to get mean and agressive, cannot bath or feed herself, the expense of keeping her is beyond what you can bear, etc.)

As for intersibling interactions, I'm with P-cat on this. Some of my siblings are the worse at shoving responcibilities away from them and use their RL situations as a front for what boils down to "well, Suzi will take care of it" mentality.

Good luck with making a decision.

-suzi

 

[Aurora]

No advice for you Mega. I just wanted to say good luck.

As Suzi said, a retirement facility would be nice, but unfortunately most of them are money-pit hell holes that cost a couple grand a month for them to live in squalor. I remember when my grandparents thought about moving into one of the "nicer" ones around here and for the crappy place they were going to get + the amount they were going to pay, they could buy a ranch, not have to get rid of any of their stuff, hire a maid and even a cook to bring food a few days a week and STILL pay less and not be throwing money down the toilet, but instead building equity in their new home. I threw a fit until my grandpa realized it. He didn't fight in 3 wars, retire from the Air Force and then retire from GM to live like that.

If your mom is adamant about not living with you, wherever she wants to live check into the local seniors center and see what resources she has available to her. I know around here, we have a nursing group that for no cost goes and stays with older and terminally ill people around the clock and does things for them for free. There may be something like that in yours or her area. Maybe you could get her a place close to you guys so you can check in. *shrugs* Good luck hon.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

If you must go with an assisted-living retirement facility of some kind, ask your local medical professionals where they would send their parents if they could.

We had to do that with my grandparents- the place they were in was quite nice, equivalent or better than most college dorms & apartments I've been in.

When my grandmother had to be moved to a seperate facility that offered a greater level of care, it wasn't nearly as nice. It was more like a hospital (including the occasional unpleasant smells), but that was what she needed. Still, it wasn't a horror show. It was professionaly run and clean as it could be.

 

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

Research the 'Baker Act' and find local resources that will help you and your family decide, with an outside perspective, what is best for her. Taking on something like this can destroy your own health and home. The nesting syndrome and inability to recognize and deal with living in squalor is a major warning sign that there might be more than depression at work.

We went through this with Dad's mom a few years back. It's not fun, but at a certain point it became obvious that she was no longer capable of taking care of herself, and wouldn't be able to last in a home without 24-hour supervision. It wasn't so much the medical aspects as the mental ones.

 

[Rl'Halsinor]

When I read your post the first thing that came to my mind was "depression" when you gave us the state of her living quarters. And then you listed it. My wife is dealing with the very issues you have mentioned as we are trying to figure out the best course for her 74 yr. old mother. We did find several good living assstant options without the fear of money pit but it takes serious research. However, the thought of changing residence is stressful for her as any change can and will be.

My advice is that I believe you need to have your mom tested both physically and emotionally. Depression can bring on many issues and often when depression is managed, even lifted, many things can be straightened out. If there is a physical issue the testings can help pinpoint the cause.