The adventuring party that my wife and I recently joined lost a couple of its NPCs the other day. It was a DM-arranged death set off-stage, not something we caused ourselves. But we were still confronted with the question of whether to spend "party funds" to have these guys raised from the dead.
Anyway, my wife is playing a chaotic-neutral halfling bard. I may have mentioned her before -- the cute, clueless chick who wears black and plays the bongos? (the character, not my wife.) By luck of the draw, hers was the deciding vote: Does she want to spend the group money to raise the NPCs?
No.
But to back it up, she wrote this little bit for the DM and our new gaming associates. I thought you might appreciate it...
---
As the group sits around thinking about their recent
losses, they notice that Harriet has gone up to the
small stage. She energetically starts playing a
borrowed halfling-sized guitar. She is performing
THE ODE TO GARRETT
(to the tune of Weird Al's "Albuequerque")
(Harriet recites)Way back when after we left the
moathouse located just outside a little nothing town
in the middle of nowhere named Homlet
... you know the place ...
Well were were going along and everything was just
PEACHY ... except for the undeniable fact that every
single time we went out for an adventure we kept
getting sliced up into ribbons and having to come home
and heal up.
SLICED into ribbons!
Every SINGLE time!
It was driving me NUTS!
So I asked my boyfriend, "Hey, Busta, what's with all
these injuries? What're we doing this for anyway?" And
my loving sweetie-punkin looked at me like the way a
gnoll looks at an oncoming arrow. And he leaned he
leaned down next to me and said:
(Harriet screams) "BECAUSE THEY"RE EEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!"
(Harriet recites)And then he tells me again about the
goblins he's been chasing since he was six-and-a-half
years old!
And that's when he told me that we had to go to this
magical temple far away, where the sun never shines
and the cauldrons are oh-so BUBBLY! Where the ghasts
and the liches plot their plots all day long and
anyone in the halls will be glad to slit your throat
for a COPPER!
Wakka-wakka-doo-doo YEAH!
Well let me tell you, folks, it wasn't long before
were were on our way. Because the very next day this
guy who lives in that castle over there hired us to go
after this gnome's wagon. It was a petty job, but then
we thought its trail would go
(Harriet starts singing) To the Temple of Elemental
Evil! Temple of Elemental Evil!
(Harriet recites) Oh yeah! You know, I've never been
on a trek through an evil dark forest before! And I
gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except for the
guys in the armor who ATTACKED us! And splitting up
our party and then losing track of TWO of them! Oh
yeah, and then going to a ghost town and fighting a
stinky banshee that stole our minds and the ghasts
that backstabbed us and then EVERYBODY DIED!!!
Except for me ...
You know why?
(Harriet sings)Cause I had nothing up my sleeves
And wasn't using any strings or wires
Nothing up my sleeves
And wasn't using any strings or wires
(Harriet recites) Well, to cut a long story short, I
was alone. But I made a solemn vow that I would not
rest, I would not drink to get drunk again until my
party was brought back to life. But first I decided to
go and get some potions. So I walk into the shop and
the druid behind the bar says, "Yeeeah, whattaya
want?"
I said, "You got any master thievery potions?
He said, "No, we're outta master thievery!"
I said, "You got any elixers of life?"
He said, "No, we're outta elixers of life!"
I said, "You got any levitation potions?"
He said, "No, we're outta levitation potions!"
I said, "You got any healing potions?
"He said, "Wait a minute I'll go check. ... NO, WE'RE
OUTTA HEALING POTIONS!"
I said, "Well in that case ... in that case, what do
you have?"
He said, "All I got right now is the basket of one
dozen starving crazed dire rats."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the basket and the dire rats jump out
and they immediately latch onto me and start bitin' me
all over! Man, they were goin' nuts! They were tearin'
me apart! And it was about this time that a spell
started going though my head. It went something like
this:
(Harriet screams and starts thrashing around on the
floor) "OH CRAP OH CRAP RATS RATS GETEMOFFME!! OH CRAP
OH CRAP AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
(Harriet jumps to her feet and starts reciting again)
I ran out into the town with those soul-sucking rats
all over me, wavin' my arms and just runnin' and
runnin' around like a constipated miniature giant
space hamster! And as luck would have it, that's when
I ran into my hero. His name was Stimpy. He was a
cleric of St. Cuthbert with a cowlick and a face the
color of overcooked grits. I'll never forget the first
thing he said to me:
(Harriet stops and pauses for a beat before saying in
a stoner voice) "Woah. Rats."
(Harriet recites) That's when I knew I found a friend.
He banished the rats and healed my wounds and gave me
a discount on his services! We were pals. We ate
together, we drank together, and we even shared the
same mint-colored magic missle wand. We were so very
very happy. But then, one fateful day, Stimpy came up
to me and said, "Dude, I can raise your friends, but
it'll cost ya 10,000!" And I said, "WOAH, hold on a
minute, I'm not about to shell out that kinda cheddar
for anyone!"
And we took off
And I didn't resurrect 'em
But that's just the way things GO!
(Harriet sings)With the Temple of Elemental Evil!
Temple of Elemental Evil!
(Harriet begins to recite but starts to trail off, a
confused look on her face) Anyway ... where was I? I
lost my train of thought. Uh, well, OK, anyway, I know
it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but I
guess the point I'm trying to make is,
(Harriet screams) I! HATE! DIRE RATS!
(Harriet recites) That's all I really wanted to say.
And by the way, if you ever find yourself in a misty,
magical temple full of guys in black robes who are
threatening to kill you, take comfort in the fact
that, no matter how bad that is, there's a little
place that's so much more evil and vile than you can
ever imagine ...
(Harriet sings) Called the Temple of Elemental Evil!
Temple of Elemental Evil!
(Harriet starts motioning for a shout out from the
audience) Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental!
I said E! (E) L! (L) E (E) M! (M) ...
MENTAL!
Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental!
El-eee-men-tal!!
(Harriet takes a bow and says) Thank you!
When questioned about the gross inaccuracies of the
song, Harriet just shrugs and says, "Don't question
art, darlings."
Anyway, my wife is playing a chaotic-neutral halfling bard. I may have mentioned her before -- the cute, clueless chick who wears black and plays the bongos? (the character, not my wife.) By luck of the draw, hers was the deciding vote: Does she want to spend the group money to raise the NPCs?
No.
But to back it up, she wrote this little bit for the DM and our new gaming associates. I thought you might appreciate it...
---
As the group sits around thinking about their recent
losses, they notice that Harriet has gone up to the
small stage. She energetically starts playing a
borrowed halfling-sized guitar. She is performing
THE ODE TO GARRETT
(to the tune of Weird Al's "Albuequerque")
(Harriet recites)Way back when after we left the
moathouse located just outside a little nothing town
in the middle of nowhere named Homlet
... you know the place ...
Well were were going along and everything was just
PEACHY ... except for the undeniable fact that every
single time we went out for an adventure we kept
getting sliced up into ribbons and having to come home
and heal up.
SLICED into ribbons!
Every SINGLE time!
It was driving me NUTS!
So I asked my boyfriend, "Hey, Busta, what's with all
these injuries? What're we doing this for anyway?" And
my loving sweetie-punkin looked at me like the way a
gnoll looks at an oncoming arrow. And he leaned he
leaned down next to me and said:
(Harriet screams) "BECAUSE THEY"RE EEEEEEEEEVIL!!!!"
(Harriet recites)And then he tells me again about the
goblins he's been chasing since he was six-and-a-half
years old!
And that's when he told me that we had to go to this
magical temple far away, where the sun never shines
and the cauldrons are oh-so BUBBLY! Where the ghasts
and the liches plot their plots all day long and
anyone in the halls will be glad to slit your throat
for a COPPER!
Wakka-wakka-doo-doo YEAH!
Well let me tell you, folks, it wasn't long before
were were on our way. Because the very next day this
guy who lives in that castle over there hired us to go
after this gnome's wagon. It was a petty job, but then
we thought its trail would go
(Harriet starts singing) To the Temple of Elemental
Evil! Temple of Elemental Evil!
(Harriet recites) Oh yeah! You know, I've never been
on a trek through an evil dark forest before! And I
gotta tell ya, it was really great! Except for the
guys in the armor who ATTACKED us! And splitting up
our party and then losing track of TWO of them! Oh
yeah, and then going to a ghost town and fighting a
stinky banshee that stole our minds and the ghasts
that backstabbed us and then EVERYBODY DIED!!!
Except for me ...
You know why?
(Harriet sings)Cause I had nothing up my sleeves
And wasn't using any strings or wires
Nothing up my sleeves
And wasn't using any strings or wires
(Harriet recites) Well, to cut a long story short, I
was alone. But I made a solemn vow that I would not
rest, I would not drink to get drunk again until my
party was brought back to life. But first I decided to
go and get some potions. So I walk into the shop and
the druid behind the bar says, "Yeeeah, whattaya
want?"
I said, "You got any master thievery potions?
He said, "No, we're outta master thievery!"
I said, "You got any elixers of life?"
He said, "No, we're outta elixers of life!"
I said, "You got any levitation potions?"
He said, "No, we're outta levitation potions!"
I said, "You got any healing potions?
"He said, "Wait a minute I'll go check. ... NO, WE'RE
OUTTA HEALING POTIONS!"
I said, "Well in that case ... in that case, what do
you have?"
He said, "All I got right now is the basket of one
dozen starving crazed dire rats."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the basket and the dire rats jump out
and they immediately latch onto me and start bitin' me
all over! Man, they were goin' nuts! They were tearin'
me apart! And it was about this time that a spell
started going though my head. It went something like
this:
(Harriet screams and starts thrashing around on the
floor) "OH CRAP OH CRAP RATS RATS GETEMOFFME!! OH CRAP
OH CRAP AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
(Harriet jumps to her feet and starts reciting again)
I ran out into the town with those soul-sucking rats
all over me, wavin' my arms and just runnin' and
runnin' around like a constipated miniature giant
space hamster! And as luck would have it, that's when
I ran into my hero. His name was Stimpy. He was a
cleric of St. Cuthbert with a cowlick and a face the
color of overcooked grits. I'll never forget the first
thing he said to me:
(Harriet stops and pauses for a beat before saying in
a stoner voice) "Woah. Rats."
(Harriet recites) That's when I knew I found a friend.
He banished the rats and healed my wounds and gave me
a discount on his services! We were pals. We ate
together, we drank together, and we even shared the
same mint-colored magic missle wand. We were so very
very happy. But then, one fateful day, Stimpy came up
to me and said, "Dude, I can raise your friends, but
it'll cost ya 10,000!" And I said, "WOAH, hold on a
minute, I'm not about to shell out that kinda cheddar
for anyone!"
And we took off
And I didn't resurrect 'em
But that's just the way things GO!
(Harriet sings)With the Temple of Elemental Evil!
Temple of Elemental Evil!
(Harriet begins to recite but starts to trail off, a
confused look on her face) Anyway ... where was I? I
lost my train of thought. Uh, well, OK, anyway, I know
it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but I
guess the point I'm trying to make is,
(Harriet screams) I! HATE! DIRE RATS!
(Harriet recites) That's all I really wanted to say.
And by the way, if you ever find yourself in a misty,
magical temple full of guys in black robes who are
threatening to kill you, take comfort in the fact
that, no matter how bad that is, there's a little
place that's so much more evil and vile than you can
ever imagine ...
(Harriet sings) Called the Temple of Elemental Evil!
Temple of Elemental Evil!
(Harriet starts motioning for a shout out from the
audience) Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental!
I said E! (E) L! (L) E (E) M! (M) ...
MENTAL!
Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental! Elemental!
El-eee-men-tal!!
(Harriet takes a bow and says) Thank you!
When questioned about the gross inaccuracies of the
song, Harriet just shrugs and says, "Don't question
art, darlings."
