Need advice-getting rid of a player

[Djeta Thernadier]

Re: Take 2

We spent some time drafting a letter from her dad saying he didn't feel his daughters (there are 3) were safe around the guy and he knows this isn't fair, not giving him a chance to explain, but that's the feeling he has and he's going to act on it.

Good for you. It's a good idea to go with your gut in these situations. It's not like you are sending him to prison or anything, you are just asking him not to game with you anymore, and even though that is a big deal to US as gamers, it's not going to have detrimental effects on the future of Creepy Guy (unless he snaps or something). He has to get a wake up call that what he is doing is wrong, and this is it.

Hopefully he'll get the picture.

Best of luck. Keep us posted.

~Sheri

 

[WizarDru]

Quick Answer: Dig a hole, bury him, bury the shovel.

This isn't a question of differing playstyles, it's a social situation where someone is making others uncomfortable and sapping the fun from a game. The game is being affected, and you needed to do something. I think you did the right thing.

 

[Arnwyn]

Had a meeting last night with the group -1 (one person is determined to be noncommital, as he is with everything else, we're told).

I think this sentence is rather indicative of the problems with your group, IMO. It just doesn't seem that you guys know (some of?) the other players very well (at least, it seems that way to me based on all the information given - of course, I could be wrong).

Certainly one reason why I only game with a group of long-time friends - no strangers at my table...

 

[Desdichado]

I've moved relatively recently. All of my groups at least originated with folks I didn't know very well, and in many cases I'm still at that stage. That's not a problem with the group, that's just the way it is sometimes. Sometimes you can't keep gaming with your high school buddies on into your 40s. It'd be nice, but there you have it.

 

[Voadam]

He is this kind of creepy:



Rune hit it right on the head. Now, he's never spoken directly to me in a way that made me uncomfortable, but it's like he's picking on the most defenseless person and we keep missing the incidences, but feeling like something's just not right. He is possibly the kind that would go postal, but his girlfriend definitely is. She's bragged about incidences of property damage she caused. One incident being the burning of an ex's gaming collection because she didn't think he was paying enough attention to her. I kid you not. The question is whether either of them would think it was worth it to stalk us or if she's going to be happy about having him all to herself now.

OK, those are vibes that should be listened to. I'm glad you booted him instead of getting into arguments and debates with him.

It sounds like he was targeting the young and vulnerable girl and timing it to not be noticed so that it seems accepted by the group and normal from her perspective and not noticed by the adults.

Recommend to the girl that she read _The Gift of Fear_ an excellent book about threat analysis in ordinary life and issues for women's safety. It's by the guy who does security for the Supreme Court and celebrities who are worried about stalkers.

 

[Argent Silvermage]

Ambush time...

Have to a game like normal. but the first time he does something "out of Bounds" Call him on it. Tell him that you all have been talking and want him gone.

The whole point it to show him what he is doing so he has an idea what is upsetting you all.

 

[Larry Fitz]

It seems they've gone way beyond the point where it matters if he learns to behave better or not. They are acting now in an attempt to safeguard three young people. In that regard I think they may be coming up short by toning down the message (and having someone who apparently disagrees but refuses to take a stand either way).

How many people are involved here? Eight, right? So we have the girl, the creep, Shadoe, Shadoe's lady, the abstainer, the girl's father and two others. Even with the abstainer abstaining a firm declaration by the father that the creep is no longer welcome to be around his daughter becasue of his innapropriate comments should suffice. If creep checks with others who play the game (most likely Shadoe and his Lady) they will confirm that they agree with the decision. I think at that point, problem solved.

 

[Sholari]

Trust your intuition. When I get a strong feeling about something and I'm not sure why, it's usually right about 95% of the time. When I was younger I would often discount it. Over time I've learned to listen to it. It's an unfortunate situation but you guys are likely doing the right thing if so many people have picked up the same vibe.

With most people open communication is really the way to go. If you feel this person is an actual danger to any member of the group, however, then look out for your best interest. Direct confrontation does not always work with all people. If this fellow is the vindictive type, he may take offense to that. Reschedule your game day to some day that you _know_ he can't game. Make up some reason for this. Perhaps someone could pretend to take pity on him and refer him to another group where he will not be a problem. Then after a month or so, switch it back to the original game day. There are probably some other ways to engineer the situation so he will leave of his own accord. You could temporarily disband the group and agree to meet back in three weeks minus one player (because maybe the DM got burned out).

If that doesn't work then figure out how this guy is likely to react to confrontation. Some people respond to a concentrated front while others would gravitate to a low key tone. If it comes to it even get a restraining order. I really hope it goes well for you guys.

 

[Silver Moon]

We had a similar problem during our second year, with a player first making inappropriate advances towards a female player and then later picking character-to-character fights to defend the female player's character at the silightest joke or comment. His character died during one of these fights, and the DM didn't let him roll up another one. He stopped coming, and we thought that was the end of it until 3 weeks later.

That was when he showed up for a game. He was given a good aligned NPC cleric to play. At one point his cleric was hit with a spell that made him disoriented. The player used this as an opportunity to turn the NPC into a homicidal maniac who then tried to to kill the members of the party. After the party stopped him he had the character kill himself instead. After that game the player also damaged the car of one of the other players. We unanimously voted him out via phone conversations during the next week, then called him to let him known not to come to the games ever again.

That was the last we heard of him until years later, when my engagement announcement was in the newspaper, me marrying the female player he was interested in. He sent her a long letter telling her she was making a mistake, and this was her one opportunity to come back to him instead. Made me glad that we had kicked him out when we did, given how unstable he seemed to be.

Based on my experience, I would suggest that you rid yourself of this person ASAP. Let him know that he isn't welcome anymore. That is far better than waiting for him to come to a game again, and making matters worse for everyone.

 

[Buttercup]

I guess what it comes down to is we're trying to protect her. I don't think that's wrong. And even if we were to try to do that by having her not game with us instead of him, it wouldn't work since one of the 2 gaming locations is her house. Why should she be, in effect, punished (by being deprived of a hobby she likes) for something someone else is doing.

Of course it's not wrong. If I were gaming with a minor, and one of the other players were making creepy, inappropriate comments to her, I'd discuss the situation with the other adults in the group, and act jointly to tell the guy he was no longer welcome. There really shouldn't be any sane and decent adult men out there who are unclear about the wrongness of engaging in sexual innuendo with a minor. It's disgusting. It's illegal. I don't think you have to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Further, speaking as one woman to another, if you think this guy is scary/creepy/dangerous in a sexual predator way, then he probably is. Women tend to have pretty good radar about this sort of thing. The last guy I got this sort of vibe about ended up in prison after he tried to kidnap a 13 year old that he met on the internet. (He had handcuffs, fishnet, knives and extacy in the car when they caught him.) I admit that this might make me a tad paranoid, but really, it isn't worth putting this girl in danger, just to spare the feelings of some guy you don't like much anyway.

Don't worry about being polite, just get the job done. Soon.