Need advice-getting rid of a player

[BenBrown]

If you think he's the freaky postal type:

Just quit the campaign early for "personal reasons". Let everyone know that you'll be starting another one up in a few weeks and you'll email them.

Forget to tell him. Lose his email, phone number, home address.

Good luck, its harder to get rid of problem players than you'd think isn't it?

We did this once, successfully. If there's not a lot of in-group communication other than pings to remind people there's a game coming up, this can work. If there's more... well, good luck.

 

[Grundle]

Maybe in getting rid of him we'd be making it someone else's problem, but should we try to rehabilitate him at the expense of our enjoyment of the game? Maybe we're way off on what's appropriate and inappropriate and he'll find another group that agrees more with the way he sees things.

Life is too short to waste time trying to rehabilitate the socially hopeless, or worse yet sociopathic.

You have to go with your gut instinct in this sort of situation. Sociopaths tend to throw up a sort of social smokescreen that can have you second guessing your own intuition about their behavior. If your feel there is something wrong or creepy about them, you are almost certainly right.

My advice: Cut the cord unambiguously. Do it now. Do it in email.

I imagine that the only social contact your group has with these "creeps" is your D&D sessions. If so, feel free to LIE to reduce any potential ramifications for yourself or the group.

 

[Djeta Thernadier]

Cast polymorph other and turn him into a bunny...

Or if that doesn't work, be blunt and honest. Sometimes , people like this can't take the hint any other way. It's sad, because they often get really verbally defensive when confronted, but thats usually the wake up call they need, because to them, they can't see that they are doing anything wrong. I would say the best thing would be face to face, when the whole group is there. Maybe you can all work out a compromise.

and I would consider making a rule that no girlfriends/boyfriends are to be allowed at games unless they are there because they are genuinely interested in the game. Otherwise it becomes a distraction. I can see maybe ONCE so the gamer can introduce the signifigant other to the group (although there are far better ways of meeting someone than at the game) but after that, the game should be players or people interested in the game only.

Perhaps that would be all it takes.

Be polite, but be honest and be firm.

Good luck.

Sheri

 

[Rune]

He deserves no second chances. Get rid of him, and fast.

The man is dangerous. He doesn't deserve any human contact, much less that of minors.

If you do it through email, you get to avoid (hopefully) a physical confrontation.

If you do it face to face, you might get to send him and his girlfriend to jail, but probably not for long.

Personally, I'd go for the email, but wouldn't be ambiguous. But then again, I'm a pretty direct guy. It may well be in everybody's best interest not to let him know how screwed up you all know he is. He probably wouldn't believe it, anyway.

One more thing, after this (hell, before this, too) don't let the minor in question go outside anywhere alone. She's in real danger, here. A restraining order might also be useful.

 

[Djeta Thernadier]

Re: Hunh?

Let me see if I have this straight. He makes inappropriate comments in front of and to your youngest member (because you singled this person out I'm assuming they are significantly younger, and that their age conributes to the level of inappropriateness) and he has a new girfriend who makes similar comments. For an indeterminate portion of time his attendance was erratic because he was spending time on Saturdays with his new girlfriend. He's a good enough friend that he comes over with her and hangs out with the group (which includes someone substantially younger than the rest of you) on nights that are not dedicated to gaming. Is it possible the real innappropriate thing here is that you are socializing with someone so much younger than the rest of you?

Again without knowing the comments and the people involved it's hard to say, but depending on what he says, it might not just be offensive to the younger person. Age is not really the issue (my groups ages range from early 20's to late 30's and we all get on just fine....and my best friend is 20 and I'm 26 and we get on just fine....I think that unless the person is making rude agist comments to the person, that the original poster was just saying the person offended was the youngest member of the group using "youngest" as a descriptive adjective and nothing more)

Besides, the rest of the group has no problem with the "younger" person. Some people just don't click. It sounds like someone who would routinely say offensive things is eventually going to get on everyones nerves, particularly if they can't be seperated from their signifigant other long enough to game. But I don't want to repeat my last post.

 

[Kichwas]

And how old is he? How old is the daughter? How old are you guys?

Age has zero relevancy. Innapropriate behaivoir is innapropriate behaivoir and there is never any need to tolerate it.

 

[Kichwas]

just that he's making the one person uncomfortable.
...
does not necessarily warrant a summary execution. The girl's parent
...
should let him know that this needs to stop immediately or as her parents they cannot let the game continue. This should be a private conversation, not the group versus the bad guy.

If he does not comport himself properly tyhey should follow through and not allow their daughter to game with this man. This way the daughter is spared the embarassment of this being played out in front of her and the gaming group, and the offender has the opportunity to mend his ways without being aware that his friends have been talking behind his back.

In other words...

Punish the victim. A man has his privilages after all.

...

I thought we moved past the 19th century over a hundred years ago...

 

[Rune]

Folk, it's no longer an ambiguous situation.

She said I was right about this:

I'm talking about the kind that makes my female friends feel extremly uncomfortable. The kind I wouldn't want my kid sister (11 years old) to ever have to meet. The kind that has forced me to act as a bodyguard for female friends on several occasions when the went out at night.

That's good enough for me. Obviously, he's making everybody uncomfortable, merely by making the minor uncomfortable, at the very least.

If my description of the guy is accurate, there is something wrong with him, not with the rest of the group.

He's dangerous and must be tossed out.

 

[Tabarnak Smokeblower]

I'm sorry if this is incredibly inappropriate, but

Will someone please think of the children!

As for the problem at hand, I think the best way is like pulling off a band-aid: "We don't want you here. Good luck with everything else."

Even though I believe this to be the best course of action, it is not everyone who could pull it off, meaning that the typical person isn't comfortable with confrontation, especially with someone who seems to be borderline sociopathic.

It's always better to have a buddy with you, but being too many when you do finally confront the guy could make him panic and he could overreact, making it even more unpleasant.

Anyways, godspeed, steadfast, as let us know how it turns out.

TS

 

[Belen]

My point is that if he is a good enough friend that you spend time with him outside of the game, then you should give the guy the benefit of the doubt. You've never spoken to him about your concerns, then you met, behind his back, and have decided to kick him out of the group.

Personally, I have a problem with that behavior. Especially since you said that no one noticed it until she brought the matter up. That just seems absurd. A group of adults NEVER noticed that this guy acts out of line, then the girl brings it up and suddenly he is a bad person?

Maybe he has no clue what he is doing to her. And she IS young, which means that she is more sensitive to comments than adults would be. Heck, the rest of you had no clue!

And I do not think anyone ever advocated them getting together, just to say that maybe she had interested him.

If he has been a friend, and you make no attempt to salvage that friendship, then it places you in the wrong. If you subscribe that all people are persons, then he has just as much right to talk things out as the girl who is uncomfortable.

You should give him the chance to recognize that he has been less than tactful before shoving him to the curb.