Need advice-getting rid of a player

[Darrin Drader]

I think sending him another email would be the appropriate thing to do. Maybe say that you didn't make it clear enough with your first email, but state that he doesn't mesh well enough with the group, and you really would prefer he find another group. Apologize that it didn't work out and then if you hear from him again, be somewhat more firm.

I wouldn't wait for him to show up for the next game and then break it to him publicly. That's just rude and confrontational.

 

[LordAO]

This is tough. It's best to be honest and direct. Don't wish wash around. Just tell them that it isn't working out. As much as it might hurt their feelings, they will in the end respect you for being honest and straight forward. Whatever you do don't lie, don't go into lots of details, and don't just avoid them.

Honesty pays.

 

[molonel]

"You dislike the guy enough to tell eleven thousand other people about it, suck it up and tell him he's not welcome any more unless he changes his behavior. Or if you don't think he can change, just tell him not to come back."

I'm inclined to agree with this statement, as well as the "direct and in a public place" type of thing.

You can explain, but don't defend it or get into a long argument about it. Depending on how creepy the guy is, you may want to arrange for someone to call you on a cell phone at an appropriate time and give you an out.

Don't be subtle and wishy-washy. Be direct.

 

[Rune]

Normally, I'd be all for pushing a diplomatic response to the guy, but if he's really creepy, let him have it hard.

I've known way too many really creepy people to have any sympathy for their feelings (as their creepiness stems from their lack of caring for others).

Tell him, flat-out, that he is making you uncomfortable, and why. Then tell him to get lost.

It might not hurt to do this through email, so he doesn't flip out at the game.

Also, be on the look-out for a while after. All of the very creepy people I've known are dangerously unstable and likely to stalk people. Don't go anywhere alone at night for a while and take mace.

Of course, I don't know how you define "creepy," as you've been pretty vague about just what he's done, so maybe I'm being overly harsh.

But if any of this is ringing true, don't go easy on him.

 

[Darrin Drader]

I've known way too many really creepy people to have any sympathy for their feelings (as their creepiness stems from their lack of caring for others).

I've found that there are three distinct types of creepy (with several different sub-types). There's the guy you're talking with about some subject, but they keep eyeing your vital organs as though wondering how much they could make if they harvested them and sold them on the black market. There's the boss or supervisor type that gives you nothing but positive feedback and pats you on the back all the time, but is secretly working on collecting enough information to get you canned. Then there's the guy who never talks to enyone except on the Internet, so they have excellent writing skills but virtually nothing in the way of verbal skills (not to mention the red-rimmed bleary eyes). Which type of creepy are you referring to?

 

[Rune]

I'm talking about the kind that makes my female friends feel extremly uncomfortable. The kind I wouldn't want my kid sister (11 years old) to ever have to meet. The kind that has forced me to act as a bodyguard for female friends on several occasions when the went out at night.

More or less the first kind.

 

[LordAO]

If it is that kind of person, you would definately be best to just tell them where to go (and always watch your back )

 

[Kichwas]

I recently had the problem of a psychotic drug user who had some serious issues in my group.

It started fairly innocent. A mutants and masterminds game and I wanted characters from everybody. I got them, only from him I got several different ones every day. At session one he kept rewriting his character during play to take on any ability he saw in play, or anything he found in the rules that he though could counter the current NPC.

As I was busy, and to give a new person slack I just ignored it and assumed he'd settle down. But between session one and two I got over 4 new concepts, spread throughout some 40-80 emails, in one week.

I started getting angry and told him to settle down and pick just one. He did and it was completely differen than the session one character. Well between sessions two and three it happened again and we had another completely new character.

So in this mid period, I got home to volley of new ideas and put my foot down - no more new characters, you can only refine the current concept. He ignored it and kept at it. He started making threats and started sending them to the entire group. We soon realized this guy was not someone we wanted.

That's when he tried to defend his actions by saying he'd been high at the previous sessions...

Which in my book said right there he was out of my life on all counts.

But he showed up the game anyway... I told him not to afterwards, and he started threatening me in emails sent to my entire group.

Somehow we eventually got rid of him. I think what it took was when he started making phone calls to my players and they told to leave off... After that it all trickled down to only and email or two and finally went away.

Sometimes with some people you have to be blunt, and then brace for the impact and hope your peers will stand with you - because there simply is no other option.

 

[Larry Fitz]

Hunh?

Let me see if I have this straight. He makes inappropriate comments in front of and to your youngest member (because you singled this person out I'm assuming they are significantly younger, and that their age conributes to the level of inappropriateness) and he has a new girfriend who makes similar comments. For an indeterminate portion of time his attendance was erratic because he was spending time on Saturdays with his new girlfriend. He's a good enough friend that he comes over with her and hangs out with the group (which includes someone substantially younger than the rest of you) on nights that are not dedicated to gaming. Is it possible the real innappropriate thing here is that you are socializing with someone so much younger than the rest of you?

The group talks negatively about him behind his back. He creeps the group out. Why? Why does your post not include any instances of anyone asking him politely not to embarass the younger person, and telling him he makes people uncomfortable when he does embarass the GM that way? Most of the well thought out responses here advocate direct communication and no equivocation. However so far the efforts you have made seem to consist of talking about this guy behind his back and trying to get him to stop playing without actually discussing any of this with him. Is he a friend to anyone at the game? Do they intend to continue being his friend after telling him that he is no longer welcome at the primary social function where that friendship is expressed?

From the vague outline you've given it seems just as likely that he is not neccessarily the person with the problem here. In fact is response to the first e-mail was recognition that his new girlfriend might be having a negative impact on the game and his assurance that he was dedicated to making the game on a more regular basis. If the group were more open with him it may never have gotten to this point, if the group could be more open with him now, perhaps the differences could be resolved amicably or he could move on to a group of peers instead.

 

[Thresher]

16 pigs will consume a human body weighing 200 lbs in about 8 min. Know anyone with a pig farm?