Need advice-getting rid of a player

[Belen]

Shouldn't you at least tell the guy what he is doing wrong before kicking him to the curb. Maybe he has no idea that his comments are out of line. A lot of people are clueless in the regard and not everyone has tact. At least clue him in first and ask if he is willing to change.

And, we really need to know how old the daughter is and the guy. If they are both young, then maybe he really likes her and just cannot figure out how to ask her out.

 

[blackshirt5]

Agreed; that's where I was going with that train of thought, although mine was likely to be delivered in a not as tactful way, such as going "yeah they're both young, get over it".

 

[Shadoe's Lady]

Our ages range from teens to late 30's with a high concentration in the late 20s.

He is this kind of creepy:

I'm talking about the kind that makes my female friends feel extremly uncomfortable. The kind I wouldn't want my kid sister (11 years old) to ever have to meet. The kind that has forced me to act as a bodyguard for female friends on several occasions when the went out at night.

Rune hit it right on the head. Now, he's never spoken directly to me in a way that made me uncomfortable, but it's like he's picking on the most defenseless person and we keep missing the incidences, but feeling like something's just not right. He is possibly the kind that would go postal, but his girlfriend definitely is. She's bragged about incidences of property damage she caused. One incident being the burning of an ex's gaming collection because she didn't think he was paying enough attention to her. I kid you not. The question is whether either of them would think it was worth it to stalk us or if she's going to be happy about having him all to herself now.

 

[schporto]

Breaking up is hard to do. And that's what this basically is. Don't do it over the phone/email. Don't be subtle about it. Give the reasons. Stand firm.
"Look, you're freaking people out, you say some stuff that is really wrong. You don't come to all the games. We'd like you to leave. It just isn't working out."
Or just go for the dump lines:
"It's not you, its us."
"We think we should just be friends."
"Here's a restraining order." (now there's a harsh break up line)
"We're just holding you back."
"Look, its a simple matter that we found someone else who is younger, funnier, more intelligent, and more attractive." (works best if the new body is a troll)

Silly friend's break up story:
Her: "Damnit I'm sick of you. We're not going out anymore." Slams door leaves.
Him: shrugs, drinks some more beer.
(3days later)
Her (on phone): "Why haven't you called?"
Him: "Uhhh. Cuz you dumped me."
Her: "What? I was just fooling."
Him: "Huhh. I wasn't."
(click)
-cpd

 

[Larry Fitz]

TRhe posts seem to indicate that he's not really creeping everyone out, just that he's making the one person uncomfortable. This is still unacceptable, but does not necessarily warrant a summary execution. The girl's parent (or parents if both are involved in the game) should let him know that he is crossing the line of what they consider unacceptable behgavior in front of their daughtewr. They should let him know that this needs to stop immediately or as her parents they cannot let the game continue. This should be a private conversation, not the group versus the bad guy. If he does not comport himself properly tyhey should follow through and not allow their daughter to game with this man. This way the daughter is spared the embarassment of this being played out in front of her and the gaming group, and the offender has the opportunity to mend his ways without being aware that his friends have been talking behind his back. As has been mentioned a few times on this forum, there is a percentage of gamers (and people) whose social skills aresomewhat lacking, but if you just dump him, you make him someone else's problem. Why not give him a reasonable chance to rehabilitate himself? He may be a clueless clod who thinks he's doing the girl a favor by treating her like an adult (though if he doesn't treat any of the other players the same way, this is probably not the case). It is possible that simply making him aware of the unwanted nature of his comments will fix the problem and if he persists he has less cause to "go postal." Unilaterally saying "You are no longer welcome here, neither is your girlfriend." Will invariably cause hard feelings.

 

[Enceladus]

If you think he's the freaky postal type:

Just quit the campaign early for "personal reasons". Let everyone know that you'll be starting another one up in a few weeks and you'll email them.

Forget to tell him. Lose his email, phone number, home address.

Good luck, its harder to get rid of problem players than you'd think isn't it?

 

[blackshirt5]

Our ages range from teens to late 30's with a high concentration in the late 20s.

And again, you haven't answered the question: How old is the girl, how old is he. It could very simply be that like myself or Angcuru, he has a hard time telling a girl when he likes her.

As for "picking on the most defenseless person", see above post. Maybe that's not it.

As for his girlfriend, yes I'll admit that she does sound like a psycho, but something that I've noticed is that when people get older and find that 'one special person', they tend to forget that at some point, yeah, either they or one of their close friends had a psychotic girlfriend. Bringing it back around, if you can get him to tone down his behavior towards the daughter, and depending on their age, if the two of them started dating it could definitely straighten him out; I know it worked for me when I started dating Elizabeth.

 

[Shadoe's Lady]

I'm not comfortable giving out her actual age. Let me just put it this way-she's jail bait and he's at least 10 years older than she is. So, as for them needing to get together: no, and ewww.

It's not that she's the only one who's uncomfortable. She's just the only one he's making comments directly to.

Is she too young to hang with us? If you only looked at her chronological age, then you would think so, but she's also exceptionally intelligent and a college graduate. She's spent her whole life hanging out with older people. And, frankly, we like her better and she was there first.

I guess what it comes down to is we're trying to protect her. I don't think that's wrong. And even if we were to try to do that by having her not game with us instead of him, it wouldn't work since one of the 2 gaming locations is her house. Why should she be, in effect, punished (by being deprived of a hobby she likes) for something someone else is doing.

Maybe in getting rid of him we'd be making it someone else's problem, but should we try to rehabilitate him at the expense of our enjoyment of the game? Maybe we're way off on what's appropriate and inappropriate and he'll find another group that agrees more with the way he sees things.

And thanks for all the feedback. It helps to bounce these ideas around and see what works and what doesn't. Even if I don't end up taking your advice, it's still appreciated and might even come in handy for someone else down the line.

 

[BlackMoria]

Honest dialogue is required here.

I am not a member of your group so I don't know all the facts and how creeped out people are but this is what I would do (based on the information at hand).

I would talk to the guy before Saturday. Be candid. Tell him that straight out the girlfriend is not welcome to the game, even as a observer, and explain why.

Then tell him that the other group members are uncomfortable with his comments and any other behavior the others don't like.

Lay out some rules of conduct (the rules under which the group will accept him back), then tell him he is welcome to Saturday's game but only if he will abide by the rules of conduct and that he is considered 'on probation' until further notice.

If he breaches, he gets kicked to the curb. If he conforms, he can stay but only as long as he continues to abide by the rules of conduct.

Then leave it in his court.

The advantage with this method is it is all up to him - he decides whether the rules of conduct and being on probation is worth changing his behavior for. Or he will decide that they are too restrictive and he will leave the game.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't show up for the game. I think his priorities are elsewhere.

At any rate, best of luck with this.

 

[Darth Shoju]

I'm not comfortable giving out her actual age. Let me just put it this way-she's jail bait and he's at least 10 years older than she is. So, as for them needing to get together: no, and ewww.

It's not that she's the only one who's uncomfortable. She's just the only one he's making comments directly to.

{snip}

I guess what it comes down to is we're trying to protect her. I don't think that's wrong. And even if we were to try to do that by having her not game with us instead of him, it wouldn't work since one of the 2 gaming locations is her house. Why should she be, in effect, punished (by being deprived of a hobby she likes) for something someone else is doing.

Well, I'd say that you should warn him once. If he has allready been warned, or you do warn him and he keeps doing it...then kick him to the curb. Hard. Then drop an anvil on him. And maybe a flumph.

Seriously though, if he has been ignorning your warnings or ignores future warnings, he's a true creep and you should just get rid of "Sid and Nancy" all together.