[OT] A joke a post.

[Sixchan]

This one's and oldie, but this thread has allowed me to use it again. A HA!


I had a friend who used to work for the U.S. Air Force. He told me that a few years ago, the government secretly managed to build and successfully send a manned ship to Mars. We actually made contact with the indigenous Martians!

However, the NASA Austronauts were particularly interested in this super-plant with scarlet-orange fronds and a dark brown stalk, called Nimmen. We had been seeing seas of the stuff in long-range pictures, but had not known what it was.

Upon taking samples of the stuff, they discovered miraculous properties to human biology - accelerated healing rate, boosting of the immune system, and an energy boost that made ginseng look like a placebo.

When asked about this wonder-plant, they found that the Martians had no use for it whatsoever, because it did nothing for their physiology. It was in fact a plant that they destroyed regularly as a pest-plant rather than harvested.

When the astronauts asked if they could take some specimens of this wonder-plant home with them, The Martians said yes, but looked at them as if they were daft.

After all, Mars weeds Nimmen.

I don't get it. Maybe I'm an idiot.

====
An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are the bravest.

The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, "My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossiple," as he reaches for the phone.

Well, the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promply calls for his best soldier.

When all three representives have arrived, the Admiral states, "Since it was my idea, I'm first," and turning to the SEAL, he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course."

The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-linddy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.

The Marine General says, "that wasn't nothing," and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."

And with that the Force Recon moved-out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.

The Army General then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but here's true bravery," and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, through the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."

The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, when he says, "SCREW YOU SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.

The Genertal turn towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says, "Now gentlemen, thats BRAVERY."

 

[kingpaul]

I don't get it. Maybe I'm an idiot.

Actual punchline: Mars weeds Nimmen
Transposed punchline: Mars needs women

Good joke btw

===

A rabbi is sent as a missionary to a small tribe in the Amazon basin called the Trids. The rabbi spends several years with the Trids. He is confused by one annual tradition they have. They march up a mountain, and come tumbling down. One year, the rabbi joins the tribe in their trek. Near the top, the rabbi sees that there is a giant dragon kicking the tribesman off the mountain. When the rabbi reaches the summit, the dragon ignores him, and continues kicking the tribesmen. Finally, it is only the rabbie and the dragon.

"Well Dragon, aren't you going to kick me as well?"

"Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

 

[Sixchan]

Actual punchline: Mars weeds Nimmen
Transposed punchline: Mars needs women

I still don't get it.
Maybe I just have a very strange sense of humour.

===
General Joe Whigham is ordered by the Secretary of Defense togather together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force to discover why the services have trouble communicating with each other. He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" a certain building, if each asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:
Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her
-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axes
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy.

 

[Hand of Evil]

Long joke, say it out load if you can.

Risk edit by Eric’s grandmother!


There once a big brown bear from Boise that wanted a beer, so he went to his local bar and said to the bartender, “I’m a big brown bear from Boise and I want a beer.”

The bartender looked at the big brown bear from Boise and says, “I’m sorry, we do not serve big brown bears from Boise beers in this bar.”

The big brown bear from Boise looks at the bartender and says, “I don’t think you understand bartender, I’m a big brown bear from Boise and I want a beer now!”

The bartender looked at the big brown bear from Boise and says, “I’m sorry, we do not serve big brown bears from Boise beer in this bar.”

The big brown bear from Boise looks at the bartender and says, “I don’t think you understand bartender, I’m a big brown bear from Boise and I want a beer now and if I do not get one I will eat this barstool!”

The bartender looked at the big brown bear from Boise and says, “I’m sorry, we do not serve big brown bears from Boise beer in this bar, even if they eat a barstool.”

The big brown bear from Boise looks at the bartender, grabs the barstool and eats it, turns to the bartender and says, “I’m a big brown bear from Boise that just ate a barstool and I want a beer now!”

The bartender looked at the big brown bear from Boise and says, “I’m sorry, we do not serve big brown bears from Boise beer in this bar.”

The big brown bear from Boise looks at the bartender and says, “I don’t think you understand bartender, I’m a big brown bear from Boise that just ate a barstool and I want a beer now and if I do not get one I will go to the end of the bar and eat that bitch!”

The bartender looked at the big brown bear from Boise and says, “I’m sorry, we do not serve big brown bears from Boise beer in this bar, even if they eat a barstool and even if that eat the bitch at the end of the bar.”

The big brown bear from Boise looks at the bartender; go to the end of the bar grabs the woman and eats her! Turns to the bartender and says, “I’m a big brown bear from Boise that just ate a barstool, the bitch at the end of the bar and I want a beer now!”

The bartender looked at the big brown bear from Boise and says, “I’m sorry, we do not serve drug addicts beer in this bar.”

The big brown bear from Boise looks at the bartender in confusion and says “drug addict? I am a big brown bear from Boise, not a drug addict?”

The bartender looked at the big brown bear from Boise and says, “I’m sorry, but wasn’t that a bar-bitch-you-ate.”



I did not say it was a good joke!

 

[kingpaul]

Governments and Corporations

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you

SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
>
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some cow from Arkansas

 

[hunter2112]

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf.

Moses tees off first and hooks his ball into a water trap. Not much of a problem for him as he simply parts the water, walks up to the ball and chips it out.

Jesus is next and he also hooks it into the water. Not a problem for him either of course as he just walks across the water to the ball and takes his next shot.

Finally it's the old man's turn. He tees off and hooks it towards the water as well. Just as the ball is about to hit the water, a fish leaps out and bites it. As the fish is diving back into the water, a hawk swoops down and snatches the fish. As the hawk flies away, a young boy with a slingshot steps out from behind a tree and hits the hawk, causing it to drop the fish. The fish lands on the green and the ball pops out of its mouth. The ball rolls across the green and into the hole.

Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot Dad. Now quit messing around and play golf."


been using that one for years

 

[Shadow64]

Moses and Jesus are walking along the Red Sea. Moses looks over to Jesus and says, "Watch this, I betcha I still got it." So Moses walks to the shore raises his arms above his head and the sea parts. He puts his arms down and smiles at Jesus.
Jesus smiles back and says, "Oh, yeah? Watch this!" And he starts to walk out into the sea. But about thrity feet or so out he starts to sink...and after a few more steps he dissappers under the waves. Moses runs up and raises his arms again, the sea parts and he runs out to Jesus and starts to haul him back to shore. Once they get back to the shore Moses looks to Jesus and says "Yeah, that was a good trick, but last time you did it you didn't have holes in your feet!"

Baddadump-Dump. Yup. I'm going to H-E-Double-HockeySticks. and as Dennis Leary said - anyone who laughed is coming with me.

 

[death tribble]

Joke

Some UN Diplomats are on a plane that gets into trouble. They include an Englishman, a Frenchman, an American and a Mexican.

The pilot comes back and says that they need to lose some weight, so they throw out all the seats. No good. They throw out all the luggage. Still no good.
So the Englishman gets up says 'God Save the Queen !' and leaps out. Still no good.
The Frenchman stand up, says 'Vive La France !' and leaps out. Still no good.
Then the American stands up and says 'Remember the Alamo !' and kicks the Mexican out.

 

[kingpaul]

A high powered executive is constantly falling behind in his work, and decides to clone himself. Initially, this turned out to be a blessing, as he was easily able to catch up. However, the clone had a defect, and would constantly swear at people. As his business began to suffer, the executive decided something needed to be done with the clone. The executive and the clone went on a business trip to New York City. While they were there, they visited the Empire State Building. While they were at the top, the executive threw the clone off the building. When he got to the bottom of the building, he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

 

[David Argall]

history lesson

Mars Needs Women was a [bad] movie a generation or 2 ago. It achieved a good deal of [in]fame and among other things even inspired a game or 2.

President Bush, the Pope, Henry Kissinger, and a hippy were on a plane. The pilot comes back to tell them "We are about to crash and we only have 4 parachutes, one of which I am taking so I can report the accident." & he exits the plane.
Bush say "I am the president of the US" & he exits the plane.
Kissinger says "I am the smartest man in the world." & he exits.
The Pope says "Well...I am a very old man..I guess you should take the last parachute."
& the hippy says "Let's both take one. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the place with my backpack."