[OT] Hurting. (I warn you, this is *very* OT

[kylekornkven]

First off, let me say I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with D&D and really doesn't have a place here at all. The reason I am posting it here is because I...well, I just need to talk to some people about this.

On Thursday, it will be my 4 year anniversary of marriage. I met my wife about 5 1/2 years ago and quickly fell in love with her. I wanted to marry her because I *knew* that she would put everything she had into our marriage. She wouldn't make us put our children through the same things that we both went through, specifically, divorce. I knew this for several reasons. 1. She loved me more than anything and I loved her just as much. 2. She wanted a family more than anything. 3. She had a strong Mormon upbringing. In case you didn't know, Mormon's have about the strongest views of family of any of the religions.

We got married and started our new life together. We moved about the country a few times before we went back to my hometown of Fargo, ND. It was there that we decided to start our family. On October 28th, 1999, our son was born. It was the single greatest moment of my life. I still can't think of that moment without tears coming to my eyes. It brought my wife and I that much closer together.

At the same time, I got a fantastic new job that paid me a lot of money and allowed me to work at home. I spent nearly everyday with my wife and son. It was wonderful. Shortly after that, we moved again to Salt Lake City. It was quite a cultural shock to be thrust into such a large place, but we quickly adapted. Things were still on a great upswing between the 3 of us. The only downside was that I was in a brand new place and since my job was at home, I didn't have as much opportunity to meet new people.

I was an avid d&d player as was my wife, so we found a local group to join. We met a group of 4 players; Chris and his wife Mary, Mark, and Christopher (Chris's step-brother). The first 3 were people we would want to play D&D with, but not hang out with otherwise. Christopher was different. He and I had many other interests. We quickly became fast friends. He started hanging out at my house a lot more often. He became good friends with my wife as well, which I felt was great. She would complain a lot that we didn't have "couple" friends.

Around this time, things started to go badly for us. For one, her new best friend moved away to Illinois. Also, I lost my job due to the horrible economic situations. It was hard to find a new job. Just when I was getting some great possiblitlies, the terrorist attack happened, which really sent everything spinning, economic wise. I started to become depressed, although I didn't realize it until much later.

Christopher was becoming a much better friend to me and my wife. Now Christopher had never had a girlfriend before, much less had sex with anyone. He had a crush on my wife, which didn't bother me, because sure as the sun would rise, my wife would be faithful to me. There was no doubt. Things were getting worse and worse with my wife and I, but we always worked out our problems. Or so I thought. The final set of arguments were about her and Christopher. I told her that their harmless flirting was starting to bother me because it was disrespectful. It really set her off. We argued about it until the early hours of the morning. We finally came to a compromise about it.

I'm still not sure how this happened exactly, but right after we made that compromise, as in 1 minute later, she says, "Well, I haven't been a very good girl about other things." I seriously couldn't imagine what she could be referring to. "I messed around with Christopher one night. We had sex." She said that she just didn't care about me anymore. She just stopped caring about our family and our life together. All I remember is not being able to breathe. I seriously could not make my lungs work. Imagine the sun not rising. Imagine suddenly not being able to walk. Imagine your world crashing.

I left right then for a few hours. I had to clear my head. Before I went, I had my friend who was staying with us disassemble my gun. I told her that she better call Christopher and tell him that I knew. I knew that it would prevent me from going to his house. By the time I got back, I was bound and determined to get a divorce. I talked to everyone I could think of, trying to get some handle on it. There wasn't one.

About 16 hours passed. I had cooled down and started thinking about things more. Yes she had done this horrible thing. But she was my wife. I decided to spend the rest of my life with her. That isn't something I take lightly. We talked about it. We decided to work things out. We started over. The first week and a half was magnificent. We learned new things about each other. Everything was getting back to some semblence of normalcy. Then one morning, out of the blue (for me anyways), she tells me that she isn't sure of what she wants. She wants some time to decide between me and Christopher. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. It hurt even more this time. Now she was planning a life with him.

I won't go into the details of everthing that happened between that point and me moving away, except to say that she pretty much blames me for everything. That is something I cannot fathom. I know I have my role in this. I was depressed. I pushed her away without realizing it. I wasn't the ideal husband by any means. But to put all the blame on me is just....words don't describe it.

So now I'm here. In Idaho Falls. Living away from my son, whom I had spent nearly every day of his life with. The pain of being seperated from him is almost unbearable. I miss him so much. I feel like a part of me is gone. I still see him a couple of weekends a month, but it can't be much more than that until I get a place of my own. (I'm currently living with my friend and his 2 brothers)

What is really scary about this is how it has changed me. Let me just say, I'm a damn big guy. I stand at 6'6". I weigh in at 250lbs, and although I'm in the computer industry, it's not /all/ fat. I'm quite strong. I've also studied several martial arts throughout my life. But despite this, I'm not a violent person in the least. I'm very cool headed and very passive. I don't feel that way anymore. I want.....well, I really want to kill Christopher. I want him dead. I can't help feeling this way. It scares the $# out of me. But I can't stop wanting it. How can he do that to me? HOW? I wouldn't feel this way about someone that I didn't know. If she had an affair with a stranger, hey, that's her problem. But she did it with Christopher, my *friend*. That just blows my mind. I cannot fathom ever doing something like that to somone. How heartless.

Well, for those who made it through my long, boring posts, a little advice for you. If your married, go tell them you love them. Tell them how much you appreciate them. DO WHAT IT TAKES! If you don't know what it takes, find out. For those of you who aren't married yet, be sure. Be sure you know what you want. And be clear on what you want.

Again, I apologize for posting this here. I just needed to vent.

Kyle

 

[UniversalMonster]

Kyle. I wish I could have just PMed this to you or you had enabled your email so I could have send this privately, but anyhow.

Go to this website if it's still around: Http://www.infidelity.com

They have a support community and stuff. The other thing is- I went through something similar a long time ago. All of it- murder fixation and everything. I eventually got through it, you can too.

This obviously isn't a good place to discuss this, and I no longer even go to that website, but I rmember it helped and it was an appropriate place to talk about my situation. My only advice is- if it gets to be really .. intense in your head? See someone, get medication if possible. I was in a slow boil for a long time until I eventually started to come up with actual revenge plans. I'm grateful that I only carried out the non-lethal one before someone caught me.

Anyhow, my thing happened years ago, but it's something I'll never forget.

Seek the rock that is higher than you, Kyle.

Keep breathing,

Peter

(you can email me too)

 

[Angelsboi]

oh my god. Kyle i am SOOOOOO Sorry man.

*hugs*

I feel for you in such a way. If it makes any difference, your son rocks!! His birthday is one day before mine. I am on the 29th of October. Your son is VERY special indeed!

 

[Fade]

What can I say? I'm too young to have gone through any experiences like that. But you seem like a very mature and intelligent man, there must be opportunities out there for you. You just need to find them.

 

[Luscious Mageris]

It may seem like a trite bit of nonsense right now, but time heals all wounds. I have experienced a similar experience and I understand your feelings. Taking this guy out wouldn't solve anything and you would never see your son again. Believe me there are plenty of great women out there. You will meet the right one in time.

 

[Henry]

Kyle,

Ditto on what Peter said. Get some help. There is nothing worse than having a problem like this one fester. Eventually, someone will get hurt - badly - and that's something you DON'T want.

I am fortunate to be in a loving, faithful relationship, but it isn't far for someone to fall like that. All it takes is lack of communication, and lack of faithfulness.

Good fortunes to you in the future, and I'll pray for you.

 

[Draxus the Tainted]

I so wanna say some things that would prolly make alot of people mad, and yet alot of people would agree with me, but the best thing for me to do is keep my mouth shut!

Just tuff it out dude, it will be better eventually. Like Luscious Mageris said: "Time Heals all Wounds!"

 

[Wolfspider]

In my young life (I'm 30) I've been through a divorce (involving a child) and the dissolution of a two-year relationship. It hurts. It hurts so much it really is indescribable.

But it does get better. Just get some help, rely on those who love you, like family and friends, and wait. Survive. Heal. You may not believe it now, but you'll be happy again.

If you need to talk, feel free to get in touch with my through email or instant messenger.

Take care.

 

[SHARK]

Greetings!

Kyle--

I know what you are going through is perhaps the most painful thing you have ever experienced. It is a raw, ferocious pain that is deep within you, that just won't go away, like someone hammering away with a great hammer on the inside of your chest. The feeling--the reality--of watching your life unravel, and race down a road that you never dreamed it could ever go is terrifying, and absolute agony. The burning agony of such monstrous betrayal.

Try and breath. Pray for strength, and pray for peace. Are you working? Try to get involved in work, as hard as it may be. make sure you have a friend or two that you can scream with, and cry with. Let your emotions flow unhindered.

However, realise that though this situation is partially Christopher's fault--even in your hate and wrath--remember that this is more about your wife. Unless Christopher raped her--which by her testimony he did not--then he didn't do anything that she didn't give him the greenlight to do. The fact that he has never had a girlfriend or sex at all makes him even more of a dupe--a young sweet plaything that your wife has used for her own emotional and sexual satisfaction. He was merely taken along for the ride, so to speak. At the end of the day, because the deeper problem is with your wife, try to recognize that if it wasn't Christopher, your wife would probably have sought emotional and sexual gratification with someone else.

I say this because it seems to me that though you are not perfect, the problem is this:

Your wife must decide if, despite your own faults and shortcomings, that she wants to embrace her lifelong committment to your marriage, and to you, and to the whole family, or not.

Every marriage has problems and struggles. No one is exempt, and no one is perfect. The question arises for both of you--do you love each other, forgive each other, and recommit to each other, and work through your problems, or not?

That is a series of questions that you and she--must confront. If she is not willing to do so, then you need to realise that she is a woman that doesn't want to get down to the hard work that marriage can demand. Realise that you need then to get a divorce, and move on. That will be agony as well, but realise, that there are women who believe in doing the hard work of marriage, as well as all the fun stuff. They are not easy to find, but they do exist. Also know that many people--men and women alike--do not want to do all that it takes to make a happy, secure marriage. A good marriage isn't just sweet and light--it is work, struggle, and pain, too. Some people can't forgive, they can't accept, they can't work through things. Your wife may choose she doesn't want marriage. Realise that she may decide that. Remmeber also, Kyle, that her choice has far more to do with *her* and her choices, her responses to your marriage, than you, as a man, as a individual. That doesn't take you off tyhe hook, for you may need to take a hard look at how you behave with her, or talk to her, or do things with her, and so on. It could be several things that you need to work on. But all of the work in the world doesn't mean anything if two people aren't commited to working on it together, and remaining faithful to each other.

If your wife is willing to be faithful, and work on your problems together, and want to stay married, do so. If not, then you must accept that she really has chosen to go down a different road--and despite the horrible pain, you must regain your strength, and find a new woman. You will need a new woman, a better woman, and your son will need a father--regardless if his mother has chosen to leave her husband and his father.

A long road is before you--but resolve to struggle on that road because you are a man of honour, a man of faith, and a man of integrity. You can survive this hour. There shall be blessing, strength and happiness on the other side of this tribulation. Decide in your heart Kyle that no matter the pain, you will struggle through this.

I hope my comments and my encouragement have been of some small help to you Kyle in this time of tribulation. You are welcome to e-mail me further if desired.

Semper Fidelis,

SHARK

 

[Wolfen Priest]

Wow, reading your post I felt an all-too-familiar sting in my heart, man. I know what you are going through.

I went through the same type of thing a few years ago, only it was with a girlfriend and a 'friend.' My best and only advice is, stay calm, find your center, trust in God, don't do anything rash, be patient, and everything will come together for you.

I think the most important thing you need to realize is that the woman you married is not who you thought she was. You have to accept that. Once you acknowledge that fact, then (and only then) will you realize you probably shouldn't be with her, and hopefully soon you'll get over the heartache and move on (wayyyy easier said than done, I know, but no less true).

Time heals all wounds, my friend. Trust in yourself; because in the end, the good are rewarded, the wicked are punished, and karma is real.