diaglo said:
don't set your wife up as a bad person.
except the responsibility of your own actions.
pogre said:
Spending $ without consulting your better half can be a cause of longterm friction and resentment. Take it from a divorce attorney who did a 104 divorces in three years - money was a major factor in 80% of those actions. Not one of those people planned on getting divorce. $ problems just add unneeded stress to the relationship. Knock it off - please
Re-read. These two posts are related.
_Any_ time you are acting in conflict with your spouse, there is a problem. You guys are a team. Period. Act like it and solve your issues together or be very prepared to lose that team. Maybe permanently.
That applies to money, kids, who your friends are, and a lot of other things.
List your priorities. On paper. Have your wife do the same. Then do it as a team. Be honest. If you don't agree, that's okay. Just be respectful. Maybe you'll grow together. Regardless, if you're a high enough priority on each others' list, you'll behave appropriately.
Once you've got your list(s), act like it. You might have to consciously step back every now and then and rate the impact on something (like a purchase) on your priorities, but it gets easier.
Now, what your wife wants to see (and should, IMHO, or you weren't ready for marriage) is that see rates pretty high on that list (that's an understatement). I'd expect you want to see the same on her list.
Every time you do something that causes her pain or frustration, like buying a book you can't afford, you tell her in no uncertain terms that she (her feelings of security, at the least) are less important than whatever that action relates to. In this case, you're telling her that gaming is more important than she is just as clearly as if you'd said those words straight out.
That doesn't mean you're a bad person or even a bad husband. It means you've got some bad habits (in this case spending). The test is whether you can break those habits, and that is going to take maturity and willpower. IMHO, willpower is just a codeword for having a goal that is strong enough to move you through some pain. In this case, that pain is the want for more gaming stuff. I'd recommend you have as a goal telling your wife that you love her by actions, not just words.
Try this: set aside $60 (or more) out of your next paycheck. If you use Quicken, hide it, otherwise, just ignore it. Over the next month, pay all your bills, etc. but don't use a credit card for anything. When the month is up, take that $60 and take your wife out to dinner, or buy her flowers, or take her to a movie, or buy her a new sweater, or some such (you know your wife better than I do). Then, whatever is left over, you get to spend on gaming.
Advanced course: _Tell_ your wife what you're doing. Have her pick out what the reward is. Help her to understand (as you should) that this is not a reward to her for you doing something right. The reward is for you and is that you get to make her feel good, and in turn get a little something for doing so. Once she's picked the activity/purchase, talk with her about it regularly (everyday would be good). Feed off her excitement. Besides, involving your wife in your goals is _always_ a good idea. It's kinda the point of being married.
Trust me, she'll leave you enough money afterwards to get something worthwhile. If she doesn't, then accept that it is because you've inflicted a lot more pain on her than you realize -- try again the next month. But, I certainly hope that you haven't taken that much shine off the marriage after only one year.
