Player Ostracism: Advice Needed

[Wormwood]

Long, rambling post ahead.

Two years ago, my gaming group of 15+ years (the Guys) broke up because of a combination of MMORPGs and real-life issues.

With one exception (me), the Guys remained in contact with each other: playing City of Heroes and World of Warcraft, weekly flag-football and Texas-Hold 'Em, even a fantasy football league. The Guys just didn't meet for tabletop RPGs any more.

I don't have time for MMORPGs, I don't play football, nor do I gamble. Since I didn't share their non-tabletop interests, only [size=+0]one member of the Guys remained close to me: Spud (not his real name, natch)


My friendship with "Spud" predates both gaming and the formation of the Guys. He's damn near family—I'd take a bullet for him, and vice versa. Spud still plays poker and football with the Guys, but I also see him every week just to hang out, maybe catch a movie or grab a beer (my wife comes along which is a huge plus, since she wasn't included when the Guys and I were gaming).

Yesterday, I got an email from one of the Guys inviting me to an upcoming 3.5 game. Against all hope, the Guys were reuniting!. This is fantastic news—my absolute favorite game with my absolute favorite gamers!

Then I read the last sentence of the email. Apparently, they were specifically *not* inviting Spud, and he was *not* to be informed the game exists. The others in the group are united in this. Spud is persona non grata where gaming is concerned.

Now, I'm the first to admit that Spud isn't one of my favorite players when it comes to roleplaying. He complains, undermines the DM, and acts like a judgemental jerk at the table. In non-gaming situations, he's a prince. Unfortunately he loves gaming, and doesn't seem to see what a jerk he is at the table.


But he's also my best friend, and the only one of the Guys to reach out to me in the past two years. I know he would be deeply hurt if he discovered we had formed game behind his back. He'd be even more hurt to find that I was playing that game.


I believe the only proper course of action would be to politely decline the invitation without telling Spud about the game. While I'm desperate to play D&D again, I'm unwilling to specifically ostracize a good friend.

Is there a solution I'm overlooking? A Third Way? Can I have my cake (Spud's friendship) and eat it too (play w/o him)?

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[Crothian]

I would reply to the Guys and tell them that you want to tell Spud about the game but explain to him he isn't invited. Not telling him would be like lieing to him, and it doesn't seem like you would do that to your friend. Then if the Guys understood and excepted that, I'd have a sit down with Spud and tell him about the game. I'd also tell him if he didn't want you to play in it, you'd drop out becasue the friendship is more important.

 

[mafisto]

I'm hardly qualified to comment, but I think that honestly might be the best policy in this case. Let Spud know about the game (he'll find out anyway), let him know that he's not invited, and let him know why. I think it's lousy that people can't be upfront about how they feel about his playing, but the situation is what it is. Find out how he feels, and see if he's okay if you play. If he's not (and you honor that), then you're no worse off.

I guess if I were him I'd be more hurt to have something done behind my back with no explanation than to learn about things up front.

 

[Wormwood]

Thanks for the advice, but I really don't think it's my place to break the Guys' confidence. They told me about the game in secret, and while I don't want to betray Spud by playing, I also don't want to betray the Guys by talking.

 

[Crothian]

Thanks for the advice, but I really don't think it's my place to break the Guys' confidence. They told me about the game in secret, and while I don't want to betray Spud by playing, I also don't want to betray the Guys by talking.

That's why you ask the Guys if you can talk to Spud. Tell them you won't play with Spud not knowing that they really should be more grown up about it and not sneaking behind the guys back. Take the moral high road with them.

 

[S'mon]

I think Mafisto's advice is objectively right - it's not like "The Guys" gave you a choice about knowing this 'confidence', you're under no obligation. My gut instinct though is is since you say "I believe the only proper course of action would be to politely decline the invitation without telling Spud about the game. While I'm desperate to play D&D again, I'm unwilling to specifically ostracize a good friend", subjectively this is what you, being you, should do. Trusting your own feelings on these matters generally is best IMO.

Oh, and go find another group. Use the Internet.

 

[Wormwood]

Ahhh. The high ground

No wonder I didn't recognize it.

That sounds like a plan.

 

[MoogleEmpMog]

... and once again we see the "Geek Social Fallacies" vindicated. :\

This secretive nonsense will only lead to hurt feelings for all involved. The others should have had the spine to tell him to his face that they'd rather not invite him.

At the same time, the fact that he's your best friend is no reason for the others to have to have him in the group, or for you to have to do everything with him.

I would go to the Guys and tell them that while you are willing to play even if they won't allow Spud to, you are not willing to be a party to their sneaking about behind his back.

 

[Altamont Ravenard]

If you're such good friends with Spud, I suggest you talk to him about his playing manner concerning RPGs. Maybe he's not the best player because no one has told him anything yet. Don't talk about the upcoming game, just RPGs in general. Try to make him see that his playing "abilities" might deter other players from playing with him. Be subtle about it

If Spud recognizes that he might have a "problem", he could be on the way to fixing it. If it is so, I'd try to negociate a "last chance" game with Spud included. Let The Guys send out another "first" invitation, including Spud this time. If it still doesn't work out, at least every one will have tried.

If Spud doesn't want to realize that his attitude at the gaming table is "bad", then, your way to handle the situation would be the good one, to me.

Hope this helps, and good luck,

AR

 

[VirgilCaine]

If you're such good friends with Spud, I suggest you talk to him about his playing manner concerning RPGs. Maybe he's not the best player because no one has told him anything yet. Don't talk about the upcoming game, just RPGs in general. Try to make him see that his playing "abilities" might deter other players from playing with him. Be subtle about it

Yeah, here's the idea! Fix his gaming problems and maybe he'll be accepted. Why didn't you do this when you first started to game with him? What kind of masochistic people are you?