D&D 5E Quiet players and social anxiety

I've had some quiet players from time to time over the years, often in pickup groups. (My regulars are very comfortable with each other and have no issues with making themselves heard.) I do view players who are too quiet as a problem in a game like D&D and I try to address it before play.

First, I explain that a game of D&D is pretty much just a structured conversation between the players and DM. I say a thing, you say a thing, I say a thing, repeat. Sometimes there are dice involved to help me decide what to say. In a conversation that isn't about elves and dragons, if one person is doing all the talking, it tends not to be a very interesting conversation. So to make it an interesting conversation, we need everyone to engage in it, each making about the same contribution during the course of the session. I try to spotlight people about equally to draw people out.

Next, I make sure that the players are aware of how to talk to each other in a way that is productive and doesn't shut other people down. I'm sure we've all had people in our lives that are eager to tell us all the ways something won't work or starts nearly every sentence with "Well, actually..." or just love to poke holes in things. Flumph those people. Someone who his already shy is likely to shut down when faced with this kind of person. Why offer ideas at all if other people are just going to shut them down? Better to just stay quiet and go along, right?

So, I tell the group that when they are hearing an idea or proposal from another player, they should try to find the good in it and think of ways it can work rather than ways it can't. This may mean adding to the idea to make it better. They shouldn't shoot down the ideas of others outright - this just creates debates that stymie play or causes other players to withdraw from the conversation. Instead, they should work together to take a decent idea and make it better by adding to it rather than taking away. When I see a player start to criticize, I jump in and say how I (the DM) think the idea could work and encourage the criticizing player to suggest ways to improve upon the basic idea to increase their odds of success in a manner that doesn't negate their fellow player's idea.

As well, I'm always quick to give praise and reward for good ideas. A simple "That's awesome," a high-five, or some Inspiration is great positive reinforcement for a shy person. And in my experience once I start doing that, other people do too, which makes for a very positive, supportive atmosphere at the table. It's good to see the players cheering each other on.

These approaches, taken together, are very simple to implement and I've seen introverted players jump right into things. When they come to the realization that their ideas are going to be supported rather than criticized and that everyone else wants to hear what they have to say, it becomes a lot easier to come out of their shell. And even if you don't have shy players, these approaches certainly make the game experience that much smoother.

What you're describing is a shy player, not an introverted player.

Introverted players may get energy from observing, thinking, contemplating, and the occasional in depth conversation that's meaningful.

Treating them as a form of problem is wrong.

D&D is whatever the players at the table want it to be. If it's doing more observation and dice rolling than actively engaging then who are you to force your style of D&D upon them?
 

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What you're describing is a shy player, not an introverted player.

Introverted players may get energy from observing, thinking, contemplating, and the occasional in depth conversation that's meaningful.

Treating them as a form of problem is wrong.

D&D is whatever the players at the table want it to be. If it's doing more observation and dice rolling than actively engaging then who are you to force your style of D&D upon them?

A pedantic argument - call these players by whatever descriptor you like. At my table, if someone is not holding up their end of the conversation of the game, I will seek to encourage them to do so and work with the player to make that happen. 100% success rate so far.

There is usually a reason why someone is not engaging in the conversation. Like any other problem that one encounters during a game, I keep asking "Why?" until we reach the underlying issue, then we set about resolving it. It's usually rooted in the issues I described upthread.

One doesn't need to be a scene-chewing actor. But wallflowers aren't going to work for me.
 

A pedantic argument - call these players by whatever descriptor you like. At my table, if someone is not holding up their end of the conversation of the game, I will seek to encourage them to do so and work with the player to make that happen. 100% success rate so far.

There is usually a reason why someone is not engaging in the conversation. Like any other problem that one encounters during a game, I keep asking "Why?" until we reach the underlying issue, then we set about resolving it. It's usually rooted in the issues I described upthread.

One doesn't need to be a scene-chewing actor. But wallflowers aren't going to work for me.

That's all well and dandy, but is different from this statement:

I do view players who are too quiet as a problem in a game like D&D and I try to address it before play.

No. Wrong wrong wrong. This is not a blanket statement like it is fact.

Players who are 'too quiet' presumably based on your own criteria are a "problem" in the version of D&D you like to play, which the more I hear about the more I dislike.
 

A pedantic argument - call these players by whatever descriptor you like. At my table, if someone is not holding up their end of the conversation of the game, I will seek to encourage them to do so and work with the player to make that happen. 100% success rate so far.

There is usually a reason why someone is not engaging in the conversation. Like any other problem that one encounters during a game, I keep asking "Why?" until we reach the underlying issue, then we set about resolving it. It's usually rooted in the issues I described upthread.

Maybe you're not qualified to treat somebody's social anxiety? I assure you, it's not because they aren't trying hard enough. Label people pendantic if you like, but shyness, social anxiety, and introversion are all different things. That's not wordplay; its the reality of the human condition. And calling attention to it really does not help.

Accepting one's friends for who they are is a sign of a good friendship and a good person. Trying to change them to make your game better? Not so much. It's not your thing to "resolve", even if you were qualified to do so.

If you don't want to play with such people, fine. I play with friends, not at game stores and conventions, so my friendship with them is the primary reason for my presence. The game's just the current activity.
 
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iserith said:
I do view players who are too quiet as a problem in a game like D&D and I try to address it before play.

No. Wrong wrong wrong. This is not a blanket statement like it is fact.

Do you mean to say that a statement that is very obviously my opinion is not a fact? Because this seems self-evident to me. Please clarify.
 

Maybe you're not qualified to treat somebody's social anxiety. I assure you, it's not because they aren't trying hard enough. Label people pendantic if you like, but shyness, social anxiety, and introversion are all different things. That's not wordplay; its the reality of the human condition.

Accepting one's friends for who they are is a sign of a good friendship and a good person. Trying to change them to make your game better? Not so much.

I referred to DaveDash's argument as pedantic because I believe my meaning was clear regardless of using the words "shy" or "introverted" interchangeably. I was referring to someone who is not contributing to the conversation of the game. If it wasn't clear before, I hope that it is now.

I have not represented myself as being "qualified to treat somebody's social anxiety" either. I do not seek to "change" people. I seek to remove the barriers in the game that are preventing them from contributing which, in my experience, very often stems from issues related to previous bad experiences in D&D due to approaches I described in my initial post (especially hyper-critical players who are quick to shoot down other peoples' ideas).

Edit to respond fully to your edit:

If you don't want to play with such people, fine. I play with friends, not at game stores and conventions, so my friendship with them is the primary reason for my presence. The game's just the current activity.


I play with friends as well, plus strangers online (hundreds now, via Roll20). My friends understand the value of equal contribution and the approaches I described in my initial post. After a session with strangers, so too do they, in my experience.

Please don't mistake my posts for hating shy, introverted, or those suffering social anxiety. Take it instead for practical advice for examining and approaching the underlying issues.
 
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I referred to DaveDash's argument as pedantic because I believe my meaning was clear regardless of using the words "shy" or "introverted" interchangeably. I was referring to someone who is not contributing to the conversation of the game. If it wasn't clear before, I hope that it is now.

I have not represented myself as being "qualified to treat somebody's social anxiety" either. I do not seek to "change" people. I seek to remove the barriers in the game that are preventing them from contributing which, in my experience, very often stems from issues related to previous bad experiences in D&D due to approaches I described in my initial post (especially hyper-critical players who are quick to shoot down other peoples' ideas).

Again that is a description of shyness and not being an introvert. Your approach may be fine for a shy player who has had a bad experience in D&D, but would just annoy an introvert.
An introvert doesn't speak purely because they don't enjoy it, not because there are any barriers involved. As I said, they get energy from contemplation, thinking, reading, observing, and meaningful conversation, which means they may not be so keen to engage in idle chit chat with NPCs and the like.

It's actually OK to not be a big talker, and you don't have to be shy to be more of the quiet type.

It seems to be you want a certain level of engagement from your players as a form of self validation, which might be a problem, but not a player one.
 

Again that is a description of shyness and not being an introvert. An introvert doesn't speak purely because they don't enjoy it, not because there are any barriers involved. As I said, they get energy from contemplation, thinking, reading, observing, and meaningful conversation, which means they may not be so keen to engage in idle chit chat with NPCs and the like.

It's actually OK to not be a big talker and you don't have to be shy to do it.

It seems to be you want a certain level of engagement from your players as a form of self validation, which might be a problem, but not a player one.

I would suggest that you are reading into my posts and letting our previous interactions cloud your judgement. I do not expect "idle chit-chat" with NPCs. In fact, I dislike that a lot. Perhaps it would be better to ask questions about my game or my approach if you have any rather than make blind assumptions that prove untrue. I'm happy to answer honest questions at any time from anyone. You're also free to read my actual play transcripts which should provide you with an idea of how things typically go in my games.
 

I don't really agree with the assessment that quiet players are problem players at all.
Same here. In my experience, there's usually one player at any table who's not saying much, often just enjoying the vibe and being with friends. And that's totally cool with me. As long as you can come up with "I attack for 12 damage" on your turn in combat, that's all I really ask.

If the whole table consisted of such players, it'd be a problem. But I've never yet seen that happen.
 

I would suggest that you are reading into my posts and letting our previous interactions cloud your judgement. I do not expect "idle chit-chat" with NPCs. In fact, I dislike that a lot. Perhaps it would be better to ask questions about my game or my approach if you have any rather than make blind assumptions that prove untrue. I'm happy to answer honest questions at any time from anyone. You're also free to read my actual play transcripts which should provide you with an idea of how things typically go in my games.

I assumed you meant you try to get quiet players comfortable engaging in the game in whatever manner works for them. I usually take extra effort with quiet players because each person might respond differently. I like to get to know them a bit before engaging them. Even shy people or those with social anxiety want to interact in the game, but may not feel comfortable doing so until they get to know everyone at the table. Breaking the ice beforehand with a little DM style discussion can do that and everyone can meet each other. I usually do this every time I have a new player.

Some people may stay quiet until they get comfortable with the group. I stay patient letting a person's play-style develop naturally.
 

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