[Somewhat OT] Gaming buddy w/ girlfriend problem

[Gothmog]

Hello everyone,

One of the players in my game is having some problems with his girlfriend. He's really into gaming, but she really isn't interested at all- although she doesn't give him any grief about gaming with us. That in itself isn't a problem at all. What does seem to be a problem between them is that he goes out of his way to try and do things he's really not into with her, but when he asks her if she will game with us, she won't have any part of it. She thinks its "geeky". The few times she has been here when one of our sessions ended, we have tried to invite her and make her feel welcome, but no luck. Its really upsetting this player that she won't make time to do something with him he enjoys when he makes that sacrifice for her. He has let her know that it bothers him as well. She is really a nice person and is pleasant to get along with, but she won't seem to budge on this one thing. As far as we know, she doesn't think gaming is evil, for crazies, etc- just geeky. Any thoughts on what this poor guy should do?

 

[Nifft]

Shouldn't worry about it -- he has his "guy's night out", and that's fine. They don't have to be joined at the hip to have a healthy, loving relationship.

On the other hand, he shouldn't do things that he doesn't like just to please her. They should do things together that they both like, but again -- it's healthy and normal to not do everything together.

-- Nifft

 

[shilsen]

What Nifft said. There's no reason she should like gaming just because he does, and the same goes for him doing things he dislikes just for her. While either of the above may make the person who likes it happy, it would be irritating for the person going through the motions. Do things together that both like, do things separately that only one likes. Simple.

 

[Numion]

Huh, quite the opposite from our group. The gaming night is for guys only, and nobody would really want to see their girls there too. IMO people should also have their own things in a relationship.

 

[Darkness]

Any thoughts on what this poor guy should do?

Accept that she won't game; further, stop doing things he doesn't like.
*shrug* It works for her, so it ought to work for him just as well.

Alternatively, and much better if he can pull it off, introduce her to gaming in a way that she can relate to.
Just look what things she does like and see whether there's no possibility.
Also, don't try this with people around who can't be trusted not to grate on her nerves.

 

[Cedric]

In my experience (and please, take this for what it's worth to you...feel free to disregard it). Gamers and non-gamers can date, fall in love, get married and have great lives together.

However, the non-gamer must make efforts to understand just how important gaming is to his/her significant other.

Without that effort of understanding the non-gamer will "usually" consider "game-time" to be a luxury of their partner. They'll consider it to be time that their partner has allotted to non-essential entertainment...time to be rescheduled to other events as needed.

Well, I don't know about you...but gaming is important to me. I don't mind moving around or cancelling a game now and then, when something important comes up.

But don't expect me to do it often and never take my compliance for granted.

Cedric

 

[kingpaul]

I know when my wife and I started dating, she'd never heard of RPGs (grew up in a small farming community). So, she tried it out a few times with us; we were playing Immortal at the time. Everyone in our group thought she was doing well, but she thought she wasn't. She dropped out. Our group games at our house, and she'll stop by and watch, and sometimes laugh at our antics.

I echo what Cedric said, make sure that the non-gamer understands that this isn't really luxury time.

Folks don't have to be joined at the hip to be in love...my wife and I don't. She has things that she does that I don't really get into; and vice-versa.

 

[Dismas]

I have to agree with everyone else.

When I started going out with my wife she already knew about RPG's (She had been taught how to play battletech by an uncle on a trip to the USA).

She gave it a go (tried DnD, Cyberpunk, TMNT, CoC, Vampire, Werewolf, Mage) but it just wasn't her thing and stopped going.

There was the occassional problem of going off gaming (mainly when I had been away working), but nothing serious. I go to Gen Con (when I can afford to), she takes the mickey occasionaly about my 'geekazoid' hobby and I sometimes catch her having a good laugh at KODT.

My wife likes some sci-fi, has happily sat through the first two LoTR movies. I was even allow to bring part of 'hobby' directly into our marriage in my wedding ring. No it's not the 'One Ring', my ring is a replica of the one from 'The Abyss'.

I don't know about anyone else, but I find it is good for our relationship that we do have different interests.

 

[Umbran]

Any thoughts on what this poor guy should do?

I'm basically in agreement with the others. Having a hobby your S.O. doesn't share is not only okay, it's healthy. Everybody should have something that is their own.

If she doesn't like it, don't make her do it. Don't push, force the issue, or what have you. In a healthy relationship, that'll go both ways, if he's honest and says he doesn't want to engage in one of her hobbies, she should accept that, too.

 

[Mercule]

More or less what everyone else said. You don't have to be joined at the hip. My wife games with us and one of the other player's ex used to. Still, there's a couple of other signifacant others that are only passingly interested in gaming, at best.

Thinking it's "geeky" is probably not good -- unless she also thinks geeky is cute/attractive, kinda like women who enjoy being with a jock. Basically, anything that would create a strong negative association is bad in a relationship. Likewise, just as everyone else has said, most gamers are pretty serious about their hobby and it's not good if she grows to resent it or trivialize it. When we started getting serious, I let my wife (then gf, and not an avid gamer) know that gaming was a part of who I was and not going to change, so she had to consider that part of the package (yes, I really am that blunt). After a while, she not only accepted it, but found she needs her gaming fix, too.

On the other hand, I will disagree with what some others are saying about doing stuff you don't like. You _do_ need to do that from time to time. No, it shouldn't be a constant thing (presumably, you share some common activities), but you do need to genuinely try to enjoy some things that your partner likes, even if you don't care for them. For example, I think that "going for a walk" is one of the most boring wastes of time on the planet -- you could be doing something productive, or at least interesting, rather than just killing an hour (I'm referring to a stroll, not exercise). My wife loves it. So, during the fair seasons, we take a walk together about once a week, and I do my best to not get impatient, etc.

Now, gaming is a bit different. It really takes some emotional involvement in the game to really participate. It's also a more long-term commitment, rather than a set of individual, but separate, occurances (like taking a walk). I wouldn't expect a GF to play or to watch _all_ the time. That's too much. Maybe watching a session or two, just to figure out the basics of play (not the rules, but the abstracts). Maybe even listen to some ramblings about his character. In other words, show some interest in something of importance to him.