Spectator Commentary thread for Ceramic DM (Winter 2005)

[BSF]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The waiting is the hardest part...


It is a tough thing. Which is why the Spectator Commentary thread helps alleviate that. 'Course there hasn't been a whole lot of spectator commentating so far. Sorry 'bout that.

Hellefire,
I did read your story and I enjoyed it. You sucked me in with Norse gods. I will need to reread it to comment in depth. I should probably read the rest of the stories too. Heck, I haven't even finished Eeralai's story and she is my wife. So don't feel bad. Maybe things will be easier this weekend? Certainly I should be able to download the thread to my laptop and then read it with a little more flexibility.

 

[mythago]

Yeah, go ahead and finish the bottle; the waiting will go by faster.

 

[BSF]

Wow, Hellefire and Orchid Blossom. You both did a great job making stories out of those pictures. I saw them when they went up and my mind went blank. Hellefire's story reminds me of Dogma. There were a lot of fun twistis of phrases in it like Lok-a-tor. And what a Loki thing to do. That came off very well. Whatever made you think of Thor when you saw the angel picture though?

I liked the picture Orchid Blossom painted in her story of the four horsemen of the apocolypse. The part about the comic book fan getting to be one was funny. Both stories were good reads. I'm sure you will be happy when the judges finally post for you!

 

[Eeralai]

ooops

Wow, Hellefire and Orchid Blossom. You both did a great job making stories out of those pictures. I saw them when they went up and my mind went blank. Hellefire's story reminds me of Dogma. There were a lot of fun twistis of phrases in it like Lok-a-tor. And what a Loki thing to do. That came off very well. Whatever made you think of Thor when you saw the angel picture though?

I liked the picture Orchid Blossom painted in her story of the four horsemen of the apocolypse. The part about the comic book fan getting to be one was funny. Both stories were good reads. I'm sure you will be happy when the judges finally post for you!

I'm sorry. The above message was posted by Eeralai and not BSF. I forgot to log him out. Sorry honey!

 

[Hellefire]

Well, first I thought of a tired angel. Then I thought maybe it was a tired god or a god with a sense of humor. And of course Loki has a great sense of humor, especially for playing tricks on Thor . I read a book called Godslayer a long time ago, where a soldier from Vietnam decided to pray to Thor as he rushed into enemy fire (and died) and was reincarnated as an elf in their owrld. I kind of switched it, putting the Norse Gods in our world. The Lok-ators I kind of took from Highlander, where Methos created the Watchers to keep an eye on the other immortals. Interesting where I get ideas from now that I think of it .

Aaron

 

[Hellefire]

Round 2

My judgements for round 2:

Dead guy eating brains - Both stories were very engrossing. One was more reality-related, one was more supernatural related. I am into supernatural stories in general. Both had great picture use. Mythago's had an obvious reference to a recent event (SE Asia quake/tsunami). I lost a little on Eeralai's because I don't have the depth of musical knowledge, and that seemed a bit vague. But, it seemed to flow better and was a tad more engrossing. My vote, Eeralai 2-1.

Twin girls - Again both great stories. I guess that happens a lot around here huh? . Smart animals - Loved the idea, the re-creation story. Some of the picture use was a bit, hm, under-dramatic, like the twin girl for example. But the idea and the conclusion and moral implications were GREAT. The misfit team - liked the idea and the story flowed nicely. It was a great little adventure story. Had better picture use, smoothed very nicely, and I liked the humor mixed in a lot. Would make a great book, movie or adventure. It was funny and exciting, though there wasn't much of a build-up/climax. But Macbeth's story was more mind/heart-wrenching for me, so I have to vote for it, again 2-1.

French Maid - I think this was the first set of pictures I've seen that could be explained without something refering to magic. Lovers trip - I liked the opposing sides of their personalities, science vs. art, that kinda thing, I thought it was very romantic and they were a great couple, if they don't kill each other. Had a couple minor problems, a little syntax and it seemed a little too detailed in some parts, kinda lost a little of the flow of the story for the details. Though of course some of the details were perfect and riveting. I liked showing her the world through different glasses/vision. I liked the last being a blindfold, and including some touch sensation in that (feet on the grass). But it also made me thing that there should be a little bit of each of the senses awakened. My main problem with it, was that I liked the guy a lot more when I thought it was just him and being spontaneous. I minded the amount of planning he did a little, though maybe he needed to, because it took away from that spontaneity. I really minded that he had talked to her father about it. Basically, I liked the guy a lot more when I thought it was all style and seat-of-the-pants going with the situation. The fact that he planned it all out shows that he is not showing her to think less about details, but that she should make the details perfect and invisible. Also, the use of a couple of the pictures wasn't ingrained into the story as well. All that being said, I liked the style and the idea a lot, and am still thinking about it. PI's trip - The main and secondary characters are interesting and believable. The place took on a life that kept my interest throughout. The pace is even and fast. The picture use is outstanding. The writing is pretty much impeccable. I have a small problem with it seeming like a little part of a much longer story. Maybe you should write serial movies . It made it seem a little like a half-story. At the end, the last line, I wasn't sure if he was being accepting of his fate, or sarcastic, and maybe you meant to leave that thought, or maybe you specifically meant one or the other. I understand him changing and accepting at least the idea of fate, and that seems like an appropriate transition because it was being moved toward throughout the story. I understand him being sarcastic and saying it ironically. I guess the only possibility I don't like is that he decided to go with that name, because it was only recently revealed, and he said he always hated it like 4 paragraphs before that, and I think that would have been a little too quick of a reversal. Anyway, I have typed more on these 2 stories than I did on round 1 . I wouldn't call it a butt-kicking, actually I think they were pretty close in level of writing and interest, though I think a little more on Thorod's side, as well as better picture use, and so he gets my vote, again 2-1.

Diving board girl - I have many more thoughts but no more time, leaving on a plane tomorrow a.m. and still have to pack the computer. Anyway, the short answer is I like OB's idea a lot but I think Firelance's flowed a lot better. OB had a great beginning and end but the middle was too jumpy for me. I vote for Firelance, and sticking with my 2-1 trend.

My judgements(official judgements):
Eeralia vs Mythago - Eeralai(Mythago)
Macbeth vs Maddman75 - Macbeth(Maddman75)
Thorod Ashstaff vs MarauderX - Thorod Ashstaff(Thorod Ashstaff)
Orchid Blossom vs Firelance - Firelance(pending)

My favorite story for round 2 goes to Thorod Ashstaff for Total Eclipse
Well done!

Aaron

 

[Eeralai]

Thanks for the comments, Hellefire. I especially appreciate the one about the music because I was hearing all those songs when I was writing it and had no idea how it was coming across on paper. I find, in general, that music doesn't come across so well on paper but it was too integral to the story in my head to leave out. Something to work on. I'm glad you finally got to open your bottle of wine!

 

[Thorod Ashstaff]

I find, in general, that music doesn't come across so well on paper

Not very often! There's a book called TINTAGEL, by Paul Cook, that does it beautifully, and was a bit of inspiration for my own first-round entry, highly recommended (but of course out of print). Good job on your story!

 

[BSF]

OK, I finally get a little time to read stories and think about them. So I am finally posting a little more feedback.

Rodrigo, I still haven't gotten to yours though, so you will have to continue waiting.

 

[BSF]

MarauderX Commentary

Wacky story. I can easily see it being a tv show of some sort. I'm not sure I liked the story, but I enjoyed reading it. It was a little too creepy in some ways.

Stylistically I think you could tighten things up a little bit more. Reading the story, the narration is a little halting in places. You need to smooth some of the transitions or build up to the events a little more. Of course, this is Ceramic DM and it is hard to tighten and perfect everything in a mere 72 hours.

You have good description in some places, but there are other places that could use a little more description. Is the airport crowded with people? Are there very few people there? Is it somewhere between? I can't really tell and because of that, some of the events might seem very incongruous.

Your picture usage is strong overall. I like what you did with the nilla wafers. I think you could have drawn the sinkhole into the story in a little stronger manner. Perhaps by referring to news reports of other sinkholes that Jasper created? The woman in the hat also needed a little stronger reference. Why would somebody have chosen to illustrate that particular scene?

You have an interesting idea here. You have a good draft for a story as well. Thanks for posting it!

 

[BSF]

Macbeth's Clown of God

Macbeth, I liked this story. It is a good story. Speaking as a sometimes competitor in which you and I have both been nailed for spelling and grammar, I can say that you did a pretty good job with this one. But it could be a little better. But really the impact of the story is not adversely affected.

There are a few things that kept ripping me out o fthe environment of the story. Rodion's mother drinking Southern Comfort was the first. Rodion addressing Dmitry as Comrade, but Dmirty using Sir seemed odd as well. I've never been to Russia, much less Moscow, so perhaps I am basing things too much off stereotypes and pop media?

Stylistically I like your voice on this story better than on many stories. For me, it flows better and is easier to read. I think Alsih2o was on target with the comment that it feels like a folk tale. You have a good cadence with this story.

I haven't looked at the pictures for this round. Actually I prefer not to look until after I have read the story. Then, if I didn't need the pictures to read the story, I know the author did a good job. I'm offline as I write this, so maybe I wil hav emore picture commentary later, but my gut reaction is that you did pretty good.

But really, I enjoyed the story and these are just nit-picky little details in comparison. You took a chance by using an established story as the basis, but I think it was a good risk to take. The story stands on it's own merits and it was a good story to read.

Thanks.

 

[BSF]

Ruined's Working for the Weekend

Wow! That was a fun story. Good picture use, though I do think Macbeth edges you out in that area. The biggest problem is that I end up feeling like I want a bit more to the story. I'm not quite sure what more it is I want though. The ending just feels a tad anti-climatic.

Perhaps I want a little more build up about how hard Tinsdale and Gavin work? I think the story could benefit from painting a bit more about their deep desire to work. The sheer joy of the time they spend being productive could make for some excellent contrast with the nature of their punishment. Admittedly, it is not an easy thing to show this “need” on their part but showing that need would strengthen the story. Especially at the beginning of the story, Tinsdale seems to treat working hard more as a status competition. Perhaps that is what you were trying to convey? I don't know.

Nevertheless it is a clever, enjoyable story. You have a nice style to your writing and you have a strong visualization of the world you are writing in. I think if you could have delved a bit deeper into the characterization and drive of Tinsdale and Gavin, your story would have been even stronger.

I really hope we see your stories in future Ceramic DM competitions.

Thanks for the story.

 

[BSF]

For everyone that I haven't commented on yet, I aplogize. I'm trying to get through all the stories with commentary. Hellefire, yours was one of the first ones I read, but I haven't gotten to commentary on it yet. But I will!

 

[Macbeth]

Thanks.

As always, your welcome.

Since I've heard a couple of comments on this: Southern Comfort was chosen since (if I remember correctly) I used vodka just a line earlier, and I didn't want to repeat it too much.

The Comrade/Sir: Again, I didn't want this to become a characture, so I tried to vary language. I didn't want it to be too voerwhelmingly russian, so I tried to use some more english terms.

 

[BSF]

Maddman Commentary

Oh my! What a tale. It made me laugh and reminds me of the tall tales my uncle used to tell me.

The picture use is good in that you focus the events on the pictures. But it is a little weak in that the entire story revolves around the pictures. As a result, you end up with plot holes like the narrator carrying the robogilr out of the house simply to accommodate the picture use. But why would he carry the girl out just so he can go get screws and come back? In this case, it works. But that is because of the framework of the story itself. If you had tried to go a little more serious with the story, those types of plot holes would come back to bite you.

You have a fun voice with this story and I enjoyed reading it. Well except for the beginning when Brutus is licking the inside of the narrator's mouth. * blech * But other than that, I enjoyed reading it. It will be interesting to see what you cook up in round two.

Thanks.

 

[mythago]

As always, your welcome.

Since I've heard a couple of comments on this: Southern Comfort was chosen since (if I remember correctly) I used vodka just a line earlier, and I didn't want to repeat it too much.

I'm sorry, you just used "too much" and "vodka" together and you have confused me.

 

[BSF]

BigTom's Finals Week

OK, I will preface this by saying that I won't even try comparing your story to your opponents. Given that Eeralai is my wife, I am understandably biased.

You have a good story here. It has a lot of promise. You manage to get some good characterization built into the story. Enough that I want to hear more about the characters and what they are doing, where they are going, etc.

Your picture use is pretty good. It could be stronger, but you did pretty good. The one thing I try to keep in mind when I am writing a Ceramic DM story is that the pictures have to be significant enough in the story to have been illustrations. I will be the first to point out that I am not always successful, but the stories that I have managed to do the strongest picture integration seem to also have the best response.

I really have to wonder what would happen if you took this story and just ran with it from here. I think it would be a very fun read with some interesting ideas coming out of it. So if you ever decide to revisit the story and expand on it, drop it in the Kiln-fired Ceramic DM thread and let us know.

Thanks for the fun read.

 

[BSF]

Hellefire's Damned God

OK, I finally get to Hellefire's story. Allow me to start by saying I am a sucker for stories with Norse gods. Loki is always a fun god to pick on.

I like the premise of the story. I like the twist that it has realy been Loki, not Thor, that has orchestrated the Lok-ators. I didn't think that Mary's demise really did much to drive the story forward though.

You have good picture use. The bridge is strong, as are the mannequins.

That being said, there is something faintly unsatisfying about the story. I wish I could pinpoint whatever it is a little better. Maybe Loki isn't quite spiteful enough? Maybe I just like the subject matter so much that I _want _ there to be more? I'm not sure. But I really enjoyed the story and that is probably the important thing.

 

[BSF]

Orchid Blossom's Redeployment

OK Orchid Blossom, I just got done reading your story. Yeah, you keep wondering how you get a reputation as an author to beat. I think it has to do with your writing style and your characterization. You have always been a strong character writer. By my recollection, you always have good characters, but they don't always go someplace. You have taken the Four Horsemen and given them depth. Wow. I empathize with Harold. I empathize with Richard. I enjoy the good cop/bad cop routine they pull. Again, characterization is your strength.

The premise for the story is cool. You have good picture use. More importantly, for me, I don't need the pictures to really visualize the story.

In all, it is a good story. One that I really enjoyed. I am glad I didn't have to judge between you and Hellefire. At some point though, I will take a great deal of pleasure at matching words with you. You had better keep competing in Ceramic DM contests!

 

[BSF]

Mythago's Princess

First of all, let me say that I really appreciate your attention to details. Nice touches with the unfamiliar computers and the small phone.

I like Stephen Gaunt. What an interesting tale you weave by using the snake as the delivery mechanism for the rest of the story. You do a wonderful job constructing a plausible world. There are so many more aspects of this story that I would like to hear about. That is a good thing. You don't need to cover everything in a short story. You have left things open-ended enough that there is a lot to wonder about.

It is a shame that CarpeDavid had to drop out of this one. I would have enjoyed watching the competition between the two of you on this one. But there is round two. I will comment on your round two story later.