Spectator Commentary thread for Ceramic DM (Winter 2005)

[BSF]

Macbeth's Clown of God

Macbeth, I liked this story. It is a good story. Speaking as a sometimes competitor in which you and I have both been nailed for spelling and grammar, I can say that you did a pretty good job with this one. But it could be a little better. But really the impact of the story is not adversely affected.

There are a few things that kept ripping me out o fthe environment of the story. Rodion's mother drinking Southern Comfort was the first. Rodion addressing Dmitry as Comrade, but Dmirty using Sir seemed odd as well. I've never been to Russia, much less Moscow, so perhaps I am basing things too much off stereotypes and pop media?

Stylistically I like your voice on this story better than on many stories. For me, it flows better and is easier to read. I think Alsih2o was on target with the comment that it feels like a folk tale. You have a good cadence with this story.

I haven't looked at the pictures for this round. Actually I prefer not to look until after I have read the story. Then, if I didn't need the pictures to read the story, I know the author did a good job. I'm offline as I write this, so maybe I wil hav emore picture commentary later, but my gut reaction is that you did pretty good.

But really, I enjoyed the story and these are just nit-picky little details in comparison. You took a chance by using an established story as the basis, but I think it was a good risk to take. The story stands on it's own merits and it was a good story to read.

Thanks.

 

[BSF]

Ruined's Working for the Weekend

Wow! That was a fun story. Good picture use, though I do think Macbeth edges you out in that area. The biggest problem is that I end up feeling like I want a bit more to the story. I'm not quite sure what more it is I want though. The ending just feels a tad anti-climatic.

Perhaps I want a little more build up about how hard Tinsdale and Gavin work? I think the story could benefit from painting a bit more about their deep desire to work. The sheer joy of the time they spend being productive could make for some excellent contrast with the nature of their punishment. Admittedly, it is not an easy thing to show this “need” on their part but showing that need would strengthen the story. Especially at the beginning of the story, Tinsdale seems to treat working hard more as a status competition. Perhaps that is what you were trying to convey? I don't know.

Nevertheless it is a clever, enjoyable story. You have a nice style to your writing and you have a strong visualization of the world you are writing in. I think if you could have delved a bit deeper into the characterization and drive of Tinsdale and Gavin, your story would have been even stronger.

I really hope we see your stories in future Ceramic DM competitions.

Thanks for the story.

 

[BSF]

For everyone that I haven't commented on yet, I aplogize. I'm trying to get through all the stories with commentary. Hellefire, yours was one of the first ones I read, but I haven't gotten to commentary on it yet. But I will!

 

[Macbeth]

Thanks.

As always, your welcome.

Since I've heard a couple of comments on this: Southern Comfort was chosen since (if I remember correctly) I used vodka just a line earlier, and I didn't want to repeat it too much.

The Comrade/Sir: Again, I didn't want this to become a characture, so I tried to vary language. I didn't want it to be too voerwhelmingly russian, so I tried to use some more english terms.

 

[BSF]

Maddman Commentary

Oh my! What a tale. It made me laugh and reminds me of the tall tales my uncle used to tell me.

The picture use is good in that you focus the events on the pictures. But it is a little weak in that the entire story revolves around the pictures. As a result, you end up with plot holes like the narrator carrying the robogilr out of the house simply to accommodate the picture use. But why would he carry the girl out just so he can go get screws and come back? In this case, it works. But that is because of the framework of the story itself. If you had tried to go a little more serious with the story, those types of plot holes would come back to bite you.

You have a fun voice with this story and I enjoyed reading it. Well except for the beginning when Brutus is licking the inside of the narrator's mouth. * blech * But other than that, I enjoyed reading it. It will be interesting to see what you cook up in round two.

Thanks.

 

[mythago]

As always, your welcome.

Since I've heard a couple of comments on this: Southern Comfort was chosen since (if I remember correctly) I used vodka just a line earlier, and I didn't want to repeat it too much.

I'm sorry, you just used "too much" and "vodka" together and you have confused me.

 

[BSF]

BigTom's Finals Week

OK, I will preface this by saying that I won't even try comparing your story to your opponents. Given that Eeralai is my wife, I am understandably biased.

You have a good story here. It has a lot of promise. You manage to get some good characterization built into the story. Enough that I want to hear more about the characters and what they are doing, where they are going, etc.

Your picture use is pretty good. It could be stronger, but you did pretty good. The one thing I try to keep in mind when I am writing a Ceramic DM story is that the pictures have to be significant enough in the story to have been illustrations. I will be the first to point out that I am not always successful, but the stories that I have managed to do the strongest picture integration seem to also have the best response.

I really have to wonder what would happen if you took this story and just ran with it from here. I think it would be a very fun read with some interesting ideas coming out of it. So if you ever decide to revisit the story and expand on it, drop it in the Kiln-fired Ceramic DM thread and let us know.

Thanks for the fun read.

 

[BSF]

Hellefire's Damned God

OK, I finally get to Hellefire's story. Allow me to start by saying I am a sucker for stories with Norse gods. Loki is always a fun god to pick on.

I like the premise of the story. I like the twist that it has realy been Loki, not Thor, that has orchestrated the Lok-ators. I didn't think that Mary's demise really did much to drive the story forward though.

You have good picture use. The bridge is strong, as are the mannequins.

That being said, there is something faintly unsatisfying about the story. I wish I could pinpoint whatever it is a little better. Maybe Loki isn't quite spiteful enough? Maybe I just like the subject matter so much that I _want _ there to be more? I'm not sure. But I really enjoyed the story and that is probably the important thing.

 

[BSF]

Orchid Blossom's Redeployment

OK Orchid Blossom, I just got done reading your story. Yeah, you keep wondering how you get a reputation as an author to beat. I think it has to do with your writing style and your characterization. You have always been a strong character writer. By my recollection, you always have good characters, but they don't always go someplace. You have taken the Four Horsemen and given them depth. Wow. I empathize with Harold. I empathize with Richard. I enjoy the good cop/bad cop routine they pull. Again, characterization is your strength.

The premise for the story is cool. You have good picture use. More importantly, for me, I don't need the pictures to really visualize the story.

In all, it is a good story. One that I really enjoyed. I am glad I didn't have to judge between you and Hellefire. At some point though, I will take a great deal of pleasure at matching words with you. You had better keep competing in Ceramic DM contests!

 

[BSF]

Mythago's Princess

First of all, let me say that I really appreciate your attention to details. Nice touches with the unfamiliar computers and the small phone.

I like Stephen Gaunt. What an interesting tale you weave by using the snake as the delivery mechanism for the rest of the story. You do a wonderful job constructing a plausible world. There are so many more aspects of this story that I would like to hear about. That is a good thing. You don't need to cover everything in a short story. You have left things open-ended enough that there is a lot to wonder about.

It is a shame that CarpeDavid had to drop out of this one. I would have enjoyed watching the competition between the two of you on this one. But there is round two. I will comment on your round two story later.