Tell Us Your Best RPG Joke

One day the world's stingiest gnome dies. He is met at the pearly gates by Saint Peter himself, who informs him that this is Heaven. The gnome is shown to a room and placed inside. There he is greated by a gang of kobolds who proceed to gleefully bash him as if there was no tomorrow.

After some time the gnome manages to escape. After a search he manages to find Saint Peter and asks him, "Didn't you tell me this was Heaven?"

Saint Peter looks down at him and says, "It is, for the kobolds."
 

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Once upon a time the worst gaming joke ever came to Enworld.

The joke goes up to the guard and says, "Hello, I'm the worst gaming joke ever."

The guard says, "Yeah, and what's your point?"
 

darklight said:
I read this one, about dwarven spirit, on the net somewhere a long time ago:

A dwarf comes into a tavern and walks up to the bar. An elf comes up to him and says "I heard you dwarves hold liqour well?" "Aye!" says the dwarf. "Well, I have a wager for you. I'll wager 10 gp that you can't drink 10 pints in a row, without pause. What do you say, will you take the bet?" The dwarf thinks for a little while and says "maybe... hold on a minute" and leaves the tavern. Ten minutes later he comes back and says "I'll take your bet." The barkeep places ten pints on the bar and the dwarf proceeds to down them all, with no pause. "Hmm... looks like I lost the bet" says the elf and pays up, "but tell me, why did you go outside first?" To which the dwarf responds "well, I wasn't sure I could do it, so I had to go to the tavern across the street and try first."

darklight

LOL, yoinked!
 

Sir Elton said:
Once upon a time the worst gaming joke ever came to Enworld.

The joke goes up to the guard and says, "Hello, I'm the worst gaming joke ever."

The guard says, "Yeah, and what's your point?"

It's a joke that has been floating around WH40K since around 1999 or so, I think it hangs around for the same reason that folks see Plan 9 From Outer Space... it is just so bad... I gather that Paul Sawyer at White Dwarf threatened to kill the next person to try telling him that joke.

The Auld Grump, and notice: somebody recognized it...
 



OK, this one is probably known, but is always worth a laugh or two.

There was a human commoner who was tired of his boring life, so he ran away from his farm and intended to join a band of highwaymen. He went to their hide-out, and told the lookouts: "Hey, I want to join your band of bone-tough highwaymen!"

"Aaah, but we don't let everyone join just like that. There are three tests! They're tough and evil and many die"

"I will pass your tests! What are they?"

"Well... First, you have to drink this bottle of elven feywine in one go!
Then, you have to go into yonder cave and wrestle that dire bear inside down.
Finally, you have to go into that village and (do a very not-nice thing which I don't explicitly mention for eric's granny's sake, to) the mayor's daughter."

The human commoner took the bottle of elven feywine, and downed in one go. Then he staggered into the cave, and soon there were (human) cries of anguish and (bearish) roars of anger to be heard. Finally, the dead drunk (and almost dead without anything after it) human commoner staggered out again, his clothes (and skin) in tatters and badly bruised and all, and he said. "OK, done that. Now where's that mayor's daugter I have to wrestle down?"
 

Here's one which I read on these boards a long time ago, but I can't recall who posted it (please take credit if you did):

Two priests of Ehlonna come to a small town and set up a flower shop. With their magic and knowledge of nature, they soon start producing exotic blooms and flowers in such volume that they undercut prices and begin driving the local flower shop out of business.

Bob, the owner of the local flower shop, tries everything he can to beat the clerics. He cuts his prices, gives special deals, and even turns up to the Ehlonnans' shop and explains what they are doing to him. His new competitors don't care.

Finally, in desperation, Bob goes to the local thug named Hugh, and hires him to deal with the problem. The very next day, Hugh turns up to the Ehlonnans' shop and beats the manure out of them, scaring them so badly that they close their shop and leave.

What's the moral of the story?

Only Hugh can stop florist friars.
 

Yeah, there a few of those morality tales around ;)
I'll try one, though I doubt the translation will come of too well.


Once upon a time in a lonely tower not too far from here, lived a young apprentice wizard. He was studious, diligent and talented, but he was also very ambitious, craving to be the greatest wizard of his age. And he hated his master, who always set him to humbling chores like cleaning, cooking or cutting wood. And so he vowed to repay him these humiliations a thousandfold.

One fateful day, while dusting off his masters moldy tomes, he stumbled upon a faded parchment that fell from the pages of a particularly old and dusty tome. He glanced at it, looked closer and his heart nearly stopped.
There, on this ancient piece of paper, was written the tale of the mightiest artefact of all. A plain and inconspicuous little ring it was, but one that would enhance the might and power of any wizard who wore it a thousandfold.

That very night, before the sun came up, the young wizard had left his masters tower, setting out to quest for this fabulous ring.
Years upon years he sought the ring, fought battles, braved dangers and visited many strange and exotic land. And any challenge he faced, he faced well, because he had doubts, when his resolve was failing or his courage left him, he held on to the thought that once he found the ring, his spells would be mightier than that of any other wizard by a thousandfold.

And so, finally, the no longer young wizard found the ring he sought, the goal of his almost lifelong quest. The ring, it really did exist. Sadly though, the wizard did not live very long to enjoy his success. In fact as it is told, he died the next morning in a humble tavern, just a bit before sunrise.
Igniting as always the candle beside his bed in the morning with a flick of his wrist, he found his spell was indeed mightier now, many thousandfold.
 

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