8. The Blues Brothers
They'll never get caught. They're on a mission from God.
After the release of Jake Blues from prison, he and brother Elwood go to visit the old home where they were raised by nuns. They learn the church stopped its support and will sell the place to the education authority, and the only way to keep the place open is if the $5000 tax on the property is paid within 11 days. The brothers want to help and decide to put their blues band back together and raise the the money by staging a big gig. As they set off on their "mission from god" they seem to make more enemies along the way. Will they manage to come up with the money in time?
Memorable Quotes from
The Blues Brothers <small>(1980)</small>
[
Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood with her stick]
Elwood: Ow, you fat penguin.
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Jake: Ya see, me and the Lord have an understanding.
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Curtis: Boys, you got to learn not to talk to nuns that way.
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Mrs. Murphy: Help you two?
Elwood: Do you have any white bread ma'am?
Mrs. Murphy: Yeah.
Elwood: I'll have some toasted white bread please.
Mrs. Murphy: You want butter or jam on that, honey?
Elwood: No ma'am, dry.
Jake: Do you have any fried chicken ma'am?
Mrs. Murphy: Best damned chicken in the state.
Jake: Bring me four fried chickens and a Coke.
Mrs. Murphy: You want chicken wings or chicken legs?
Jake: Four fried chickens and a Coke.
Elwood: And some dry white toast please.
Mrs. Murphy: Ya'all want anything to drink with that?
Elwood: No ma'am.
Jake: A Coke.
Mrs. Murphy: Be right back.
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Elwood: Illinois Nazis.
Jake: I hate Illinois Nazis.
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Elwood: The light was yellow, sir.
<hr width="30%"> [
Jake Blues is released on parole and gets back all the things he wore when he was arrested]
Corrections Officer: One Timex digital watch, broken. One unused prophylactic. One soiled.
<hr width="30%"> [
Elwood Blues Jake Blues has a fight over the police car Elwood Blues got after he traded away the original bluesmobile for a microphone]
Elwood: You don't like it?
Jake: No I don't like it...
[
Elwood Blues floors the pedal and jumps over an open drawbridge]
Jake: Of course it's got a lot of pickup...
Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
[
a brief thinking pause while Jake Blues lights a cigarette]
Jake: Fix the cigarette lighter.
<hr width="30%"> [
while standing at the entrance to the Triple Rock church watching the service with much dancing and Hallelujah choruses, a heavenly light shines down on Jake and he has an epiphany]
Jake: The band... the band...
Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?
Jake: THE BAND.
Reverend Cleophus James: DO YOU SEE THE LIGHT?
Elwood: What light?
Reverend Cleophus James: HAVE YOU SEEEEN THE LIGHT?
Jake: YES. YES. JESUS H. TAP-DANCING CHRIST... I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT.
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Reverend Cleophus James: Praise God.
Elwood: And God bless the United States of America.
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Jake: How often does the train go by?
Elwood: So often you don't even notice it.
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Elwood: Oh no.
Jake: What the
was that?
Elwood: The motor. We've thrown a rod.
Jake: Is that serious?
Elwood: Yup.
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Donald 'Duck' Dunn: We had a band powerful enough to turn goat piss into gasoline.
<hr width="30%"> [
to man in restaurant]
Jake: [
fakes accent] How much for the little girl? How much for the women?
Man: What?
Jake: Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children.
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Mrs. Tarantino: Are you the police?
Elwood: No, ma'am. We're musicians.
<hr width="30%"> [
after a burst of gunfire from the Mystery Woman, Jake climbs to his feet, covered in mud from the tunnel floor]
Jake: It's good to see you, sweetheart.
Mystery Woman: You contemptible pig! I remained celibate for you. I stood at the back of a cathedral, waiting, in celibacy, for you, with three hundred friends and relatives in attendance. My uncle hired the best Romanian caterers in the state. To obtain the seven limousines for the wedding party, my father used up his last favor with Mad Pete Trullo. So for me, for my mother, my grandmother, my father, my uncle, and for the common good, I must now kill you, and your brother.
[
Jake falls to his knees]
Jake: Oh, please, don't kill us. Please, please don't kill us. You know I love you baby. I wouldn't leave ya. It wasn't my fault.
Mystery Woman: You miserable slug! You think you can talk your way out of this? You betrayed me.
Jake: No I didn't. Honest... I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.
[
Elwood covers his head in anticipation of more gunfire, Jake removes his sunglasses to make a wordless appeal, and the Mystery Woman visibly softens]
Mystery Woman: Oh, Jake... Jake, honey...
[
Jake embraces the Mystery Woman and they kiss]
Jake: [
to Elwood] Let's go.
[
He drops the Mystery Woman and walks off]
Elwood: [
to the Mystery Woman as he steps past her] Take it easy.
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Curtis: Well, the Sister was right. You boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock, and catch Rev. Cleophus. You boys listen to what he's got to say.
Jake: Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.
Curtis: Jake, you get wise. You get to church.
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Jake: [
to Sister Mary Stigmata] 5 grand? No problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go, Elwood.
Sister Mary Stigmata: No, no, I will not take your filthy stolen money.
Jake: Well then... I guess you're really up
Creek.
[
Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with a ruler for using that kind of language]
Sister Mary Stigmata: I beg your pardon, what did you say?
Jake: I offered to help you... You refused to take our money. Then I said; I guess you're really up
Creek.
[
Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues with the ruler again]
Elwood: Christ Jake. Take it easy man.
[
Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake: Oh
.
[
Sister Mary Stigmata hits Jake Blues]
Elwood: Jesus Christ.
[
Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood Blues]
Jake:
.
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Jake: You were outside, I was inside. You were supposed to keep in touch with the band. I kept asking you if we were gonna play again.
Elwood: What was I gonna do? Take away your only hope? Take away the very thing that kept you going in there? I took the liberty of
ting you.
Jake: You lied to me.
Elwood: Wasn't lies, it was just...
.
<hr width="30%"> [
Elwood Blues has just passed on a red light, and a police car rolls up behind them. The words are said in the same rhythm as a blues song ("Soothe Me") on the car stereo]
Elwood:
.
Jake: What?
Elwood: Rollers...
Jake: No.
Elwood: Yeah.
Jake:
.
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Elwood: Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now.
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Jake: First you trade the Cadillac for a microphone. Then you lie to me about the band. Now you're gonna put me right back in the joint.
Elwood: They're not gonna catch us. We're on a mission from God.
<hr width="30%"> [
while they are driving around in the shopping mall with 2 police cars on their tail]
Elwood: Baby clothes...
Jake: This place has got everything.
<hr width="30%"> [
Repeated line]
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.
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Matt Murphy: But babes, this is Jake and Elwood. The Blues Brothers.
Mrs. Murphy: The Blues Brothers? Shiiit. They still owe you money, fool. You're livin' with me now. You ain't goin' back out on the road and playin' them old two-bit sleazy dives, and y'ain't gonna go slidin' around witcho ol' white hoodlum friends.
Jake: Ma'am, would it make you feel any better if we told you that what we're asking Matthew to do is a holy thing?
Elwood: We're on a mission from God.
Mrs. Murphy: Don't you blaspheme in here. Don't you blaspheme in here. This is my man, this is my restaurant, and you two are gonna turn around and walk right out of here - without your dry white toast, without your four fried chickens, and withOUT Matt 'Guitar' Murphy.
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Murph: Tell me a little about this electric piano, Ray.
Ray: Ah, you have a good eye, my man. That's the best in the city Chicago.
Jake: How much?
Ray: 2000 bucks and it's yours. You can take it home with you. As a matter of fact, I'll throw in the black keys for free.
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Elwood: What kind of music do you usually have here?
Claire: Oh, we got both kinds. We got country *and* western.
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Jake: Book us for tomorrow night.
Maury Sline: Hold it, hold it. "Tomorrow night", what are you talking about. A gig like that, you gotta prepare the proper exploitation.
Elwood: I know all about that stuff. I have been exploited all my life.
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Police Dispatcher: Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers HAS been approved.
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Burton Mercer: Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips.
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Elwood: It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.
Jake: Hit it.
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Elwood: [
after crashing the Bluesmobile in a car dealership] The new Oldsmobiles are in early this year!
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Burton Mercer: [
to Trooper Daniel] Hi! Wanna hand me the mike?
[
Daniel gives him the police radio]
Burton Mercer: Thanks a lot.
[
speaking in radio]
Burton Mercer: Hi, this is car um...
[
to Officer Mount]
Burton Mercer: What number are we?
Officer Mount: Five-five.
Burton Mercer: [
to radio] Car fifty-five. Um... we're in a truck!
[
chuckles nervously]
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Elwood: This is definitely Lower Wacker Drive! If my estimations are correct, we should be very close to the Honorable Richard J. Daley Plaza!
Jake: That's where they got that Picasso.
Elwood: Yep.
<hr width="30%"> [
repeated line]
Various: They broke my watch!
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Elwood: Hey, Jake. Jake. I gotta pull over.
[
he drives the Bluesmobile off the road, right through a guardrail]
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Elwood: [
Police have surrounded the Blues Brothers concert] ...And we would especially like to welcome all the representatives of Illinois's law enforcement community that have chosen to join us here in the Palace Hotel Ballroom at this time...
<hr width="30%"> [
Carrie flame throws a propane tank next to a phone booth they are in - it blows sky high and crashes down to earth - the phone breaking in half]
Elwood: Hey, Jake. Gotta be at least seven dollars worth of change here.
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Elwood: I bet these cops got SCMODS.
Jake: SCMODS?
Elwood: State County Municipal Offender Data System.
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Maury Sline: Five thousand dollars. Who do you guys think you are, The Beatles?
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Jake: That Night Train's a mean wine.
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Elwood: You want I should wipe the dead bugs off the windshield, ma'am?
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The Cheese Whiz: You got my Cheez Wiz, boy?
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Elwood: You on the motorcycle... You two girls... tell your friends.
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Jake: Uh, Bob, about the money for tonight.
Bob: Oh, yeah, $200, and you boys drank $300 worth of beer.
<hr width="30%"> [
Jake deliberately attempts to offend customers in a fancy restaurant]
Jake: I want to buy your women... the little girl... your daughters. Sell them to me. Sell me your children.
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Jake: 1060 West Addison? That's Wrigley Field.
<hr width="30%"> [
after Jake tells the band to split from Bob's Country Bunker]
Willie 'Too Big' Hall: I say we give the blues brothers one more chance
Donald 'Duck' Dunn: Why not? If the
fits, wear it.
[
gets into the car]
Donald 'Duck' Dunn: Scoot over, goddamnit.
<hr width="30%"> [
Trying to get Mr. Fabulous back into the band]
Jake: If you say no, Elwood and I will come here for breakfast, lunch, and dinner... every day of the week...
[
Elwood takes a huge bite out of his bread]
Mr. Fabulous: Okay, okay. You got me. I'll play.
<hr width="30%"> [
the Good Ole Boys arrive late]
Jake: My name is Jacob Stein. I'm from the American Federation of Music. I've been sent to see if you gentlemen are carrying your permits.
Tucker McElroy: Our what?
Jake: Your union cards. May I see your cards please?
Tucker McElroy: Well, suppose we ain't got no union cards and go in there and start playin' anyway? Whatcha gonna do about that? You gonna stop us, Stein? Ha. You're gonna look pretty funny tryin' to eat corn on the cob with no
in' teeth.
<hr width="30%"> [
Camille has fired a machine gun at Jake and Elwood]
Elwood: Who *is* that girl?
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Mrs. Murphy: We got two honkies out there, dressed like Hasidic diamond merchants.
Matt Murphy: Say what?
Mrs. Murphy: They look like they're from the CIA, or somethin'.
Matt Murphy: What they want to eat?
Mrs. Murphy: The tall one wants white toast, dry, with nothin' on it.
Matt Murphy: Elwood.
Mrs. Murphy: And the short one wants four whole fried chickens, and a Coke.
Matt Murphy: And Jake.
, the Blues Brothers.
<hr width="30%"> [
the brothers race around the mall parking lot]
Elwood: We'll be all right if we can just get back on the expressway.
Jake: This don't look like no expressway to me, pal.
Elwood: Don't yell at me.
Jake: Well whadda you want me to do, Motorhead?
Elwood: Why da ya gotta be so negative all the time? Why can't ya offer some... constructive criticism?
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Burton Mercer: This, gentlemen, is the elegant abode of one Elwood Blues.
Officer Mount: Yeah, thanks, Mr. Mercer.
Burton Mercer: You know, I kind of like the Wrigley Field bit.
Officer Mount: Yeah, *real* cute.
<hr width="30%"> [
Arriving at the Orphanage]
Jake: What are we doing here?
Elwood: You promised you'd visit the penguin the day you got out.
Jake: Yeah? So I lied to her.
Elwood: You can't lie to a nun. We got to go in and visit the penguin.
Jake: No...
ing... way.
<hr width="30%"> [
the Illinois Nazis are on Elwood's tail]
Head Nazi: Anybody with that kind of record is gonna make a mistake. I want all party members in the tri state district to monitor the city, county and state police on their CBs. Mr. Blues is gonna
up, and when he does, he better pray the police get to him before we do.
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Officer Mount: I don't believe it. It's that shitbox Dodge again!
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Sister Mary Stigmata: [
after chasing Jake and Elwood out of her office with a sword for using foul language] You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you. It saddens and hurts me that the two young boys whom I taught to believe in the Ten Commandments have come back to me as two thieves, with filthy mouths and bad attitudes.
[
pauses and points at them]
Sister Mary Stigmata: Get out... And don't come back until you've redeemed yourselves...
