The Rules of Character Engagement

[Ssussunriyh]

457. In a fight, it's not enough to simply whap somebody upside the head with a club. That never works since everyone is apparently immune to pain and never suffers such trifling injuries as bruises, black eyes, bloody noses, fat lips, broken teeth, concussions, or fractured bones. The only acceptable way is to cut them to pieces with a greataxe or blow them to bits with a spell.

By the way Fen, I know what you mean about big-block V8 engines. When you stomp on the gas, two things happen: The speedometer goes up, and the fuel gauge goes down. (At about the same rate.)

 

[Andion Isurand]

458. Villans' plots are straw men.
Like in Batman and most comics, most villans known to the patrons of the Crossroads Tavern and those who gather about the Emporium can't be killed, but all their plots must ultimately end in failure.

459. A rule about facial scarring:
Most dwarven and orcish faces have an innate gravity that attracts weapons and attacks to strike and scar them... while most elven and female human faces have the supernatural ability to repel such forms of harm.

460. A consequence of combining extreme tolerance with overt sexual appeal:
Four out of every five mythical crossbreeds and hybrids in existance, were conceived during a secret lover's tryst in one of the inn's bedrooms, upstairs above the Crossroads Tavern... an establishment of near-perfect inter-personal tolerance.

461. In-laws only get in the way.
Most characters do not have parents.

462. The Quick and the Dead.
There are some fights where it is not enough to be able to move at the speed of light. The abstract speed of thought itself becomes more preferable and a character who can precognate faster and further ahead in time than their opponent, usually has fewer friends.

463. How tall is too tall? How big is too big?
It is not uncommon for human and elven males standing seven or more feet tall to frequent the tavern or emporium. These individuals are usually rippling with sinewy muscles woven into grotesque tapestries that wrap about massive frames to reach a savage harmony that is perfect in regard to both function and display. Subsequently, these muscles constantly threaten to tear or burn though any worn clothing that could possibly conceal them.

464. Exceedingly post-modern items and articles continue to emerge.
What are jeans, t-shirts, muscle shirts, tank tops, turtleneck sweaters and sunglasses? Also, my character is interested in the Faerûnian marketability of this new material called denim.

 

[WizO_Siani]

395: Siani's sadistic sense of humour involves a lot of insults and a lot of water. Sometimes including a nice stone golem who helps you find the river...

ROFLMAO!!!

Hmmmm, perhaps I should see about fire just for the sake of variety.



Siani, who won't get started in this for fear of being unable to stop. *grins*

 

[Jardel_Karabella]

465. If you spot an inherient logic flaw in someone's new plot/class/race/idea/reason they are awesome/miscellanious then clearly it's that there's a problem it's just that you're unwilling to take on new ideas.

466. Identical siblings generally seem to have no sense of individuality and try their hardest to be confused with one another, even if they hate each other.

467. Any character caught doing so much as a single act which appears contrary to their alignment is clealry poorly roleplayed... unless they do a whole heap of them in which case it's "a new idea".

 

[Kathryn_aka_Kat]

468. If your character happens to have a combat ability/spell/weapon that exactly counters your opponent's ability/spell/weapon, then no matter how it was acquired and how long your character has had it, your opponent will claim you've made it up just to deal with them.

469. If you want to get into combat with someone, they will wiggle out of it. If you don't want to get in combat with someone, they won't leave you alone.

470. You will have a very boring evening for however many minutes or hours you spend on site, up until 5 minutes before you absolutely have to leave.

471. The one character that your character really needed/wanted to talk with will only appear 5 minutes after you've left, or will have left 5 minutes before you arrive.

472. If you make a role-playing mistake, no matter how you try to fix it (or not fix it) someone will complain about you and never want to play with you again.

473. Kittens should not be given wands of fireballs. And they should certainly not be given the ability to use them.

 

[Andion Isurand]

474. Anti-Antimagic Aura Items and the like
"Wait there you... you forgot about the anti-anti-antimagic and anti-anti-anti-antimagic auras that I can activate from the items I carry with me."

475. a word + a second word = a last name
Too many character names consist of a first name, followed by a last name made up of two words put together as one. Although such names can be explained by how the last names might be translated from their native tounges into "english"... such names can become an eyesore. The word 'silver' has been flogged to death for this purpose.

476. A completely shrouded character
No tavern is complete without at least one patron who keeps him or herself completely concealed by their attire, which is usually dark. This attire typically includes full body plate mail or clothing which includes hooded cloaks, masks and the like.

( some actual examples )
"Standing before you is a being that seethes of utter darkness. His form is clearly humanoid, standing just over six and a half feet tall and covered from head to toe in a midnight black cloak." // "Before you stands a short figure, perhaps five feet in height is clad in a rich midnight colored cloak. It drapes the figures thin form, covering the figure from further inspection."

477. The same stupid 'token' display of awesome power.
No tavern is complete without at least one patron who appears out of nowhere or instantly disappears, often surrounded by the same brightly glowing aura, flames or a cloud of smoke... every single time.

 

[Ladyshade]

Ahem.

478. Folks with wings never have trouble coming in or out of doors, sitting on chairs, or walking through a crowded tavern. After all, wings are the fun accessory we all love due to the fact they can be either flexible, or powerful enough to knock grown folks over at will. Some super special varieties can even double as outerwear for those cold winter months.

479. It should never be considered odd when a cavalier, mounted fighter, goes for years on end never being seen to ride anything. People shouldn't wonder, or worry. Really, they wouldn't be lying to you about their profession, really, especially cute red headed elven ones. Nope.

480. Market places on Juxta, and taverns one can only get to via portal from good old Faerun are the perfect places to unwind after a day of adventuring. Likewise, this goes for any other planes walker and or world traveler.

481. 480 of course makes little sense, there are taverns on most of these worlds, therefore it is a conspiracy explainable by uncountable different theories (feel free to expand) a few of which are listed here.
a. Siani has powers we can't possibly comprehend, including the ability to bewitch folks into coming back to her tavern time and time again. The woman knows how to bring in business. She's not only got travelers from numerous worlds under her thumb, but travelers from just about every plane as well.
b. The bootezu are a ploy of some unseen evil, interrupting folks from their innocent interaction/drinking/conversation/bloody battles to the death, and this makes visitors feel as if they haven't gotten enough yet. They come back. They get kidnapped again. They get free. They come back. The cycle continues. They are also under Siani's control.
c. If it is not Siani it's her sweet-talking, flirtatious, golem servant. He must put something in the drinks that keeps people coming back. Why else would folks risk life and limb to go find a drink?

482. Dontella will one day have a jam named after her. They will eventually hang her spoon, after having it bronzed, behind the bar for all to come and pay homage to.

483. If a character is supposed to be 'good' and they don't notice all the 'evil plotting' in the area they are a failure. If they do notice they are a busybody/snoop and really can't be that 'good' to begin with.

484. If a character is supposed to be evil and they notice all the weaknesses of the folks clearly explaining their weaknesses in the middle of the tavern,…um,…well….I want to be on their team next time? :ayyyy!:

485. Wow..are we really up to 485?

 

[Andion Isurand]

486. Timelessness
While each day can give some sense as to when it is day or night, there is nothing else to mark the passing of time. The days do not have names, there are no weeks, no years, and calenders are not kept. The passing of time beyond the single day, is different for each character.

487. No moderation with complete control.
Whether it be Elverquisst or Feywine, those who frequent the tavern drink elven wine more often than water. However, any symptoms experienced by these habits are instantly negated the moment they should prove disadvantagous. This is usually when it comes time to start a fight, finish one, or deflect a thrown peanut.

488. No designated driver?
Very few chracters ever enter or leave the tavern in the company of friends or family. Most arrive and leave by themselves... even when they have been drinking.
At least the gentlemen don't have to worry about providing single ladies with an escort to see them safely back home... most of the ladies here can defend themselves and even if they can't, they always seem to get back home from the tavern without harm.

489. Unsupervised children
With the number of children characters running around that are younger than 15 years old (or the equivalent thereof)... one has to wonder where their parents are and why they let them spend any hour they happen to be awake... in a tavern or an emporium frequented by drow and vampiries... let alone, any unwashed adult human males who are passing through from parts unknown to other parts unknown.

 

[Dontella]

490. All arguments with Auderah can be resolved with a good cobbler.. preferrably with a light cream atop it.

 

[Andion Isurand]

491. The Limited Wine List
Rarely, will any 'supposed' connoisseur of fine elven wines request anything other than Elverquisst and Feywine. Let me see if I can think of some more... Osarian Nectar, Cormanthyrian Moonwine, Eaerlann Ruby Hue, Keltormyran Draught, Cold Wood Clearvine, Algarond Greendrop, Sossarian Iceglow.... I think someone needs to print a better elven wine list for the tavern.

492. Bootezus' Law of Invulnerability
Without bootezus, no one would get to kill anything with their most uber-awesome shiny sword or most uber-awesome "kill you" spell... or have any hunting trophies to put on the walls of their expansive keep or demiplane.