The Untold Adventures of Fap Longwood & Friends!


The Adventures of Fap Longwood #1 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

Having decided to seek his fortune as an adventurer, Fap Longwood (half-elf ranger) leaves his hometown and travels to the city of Nerverwinter. He hears that Gundren Rockseeker (dwarf prospector) is hiring heroes to escort a wagon of mining equipment to the frontier town of Phandalin. Fap meets with Gundren and his human bodyguard Sildar at a bustling tavern. He is hired, along with three other aspiring heroes; Horatio Hornstone (dwarf fighter), Mara Lemonrock (halfling wizard) and Brian Blessedbeard (dwarf cleric).

The next morning, Fap and his new companions assemble at the city gates. Gundren and Sildar ride ahead, telling the party they will meet up again in Phandalin. The heroes follow in creaking wagon hauled by a pair of fat, flatulent oxen. The journey is uneventful - until a few miles short of their destination, they find the road ahead blocked by a pair of dead, arrow-riddled horses. One of the beasts looks familiar and Mara remembers seeing it being ridden by their new employer.

“This is goblin mischief!” Horatio growls, after examining the black-feathered arrows.

Three goblins jump out of the bushes beside the road and attack! Fap is caught off guard and gets jabbed by a goblin blade! Rolling away from his diminutive assailant, Fap pulls the bloody dagger from his leg and throws it back at the goblin, killing it outright! Mara incinerates the second goblin with a fire bolt and Brian calls sacred flame down upon the third attacker.

Goblin tracks lead away from the road. The heroes hide the wagon and follow the trail. Fap takes the lead and spots a snare hidden amidst the deadfall covering the ground. The party skirt around the trap. He does not spot the next trap and nearly falls headfirst into a deep pit, only his half-elven agility saves him from a nasty tumble.

The tracks lead toward a cave entrance. A shallow stream emerges from the dark opening. Fap spots another two goblins malingering nearby. He tries to sneak up on them, but trips over an exposed root and falls flat on his face, alerting the guards. Fap picks himself up and shoots one of the two goblins dead before it can raise the alarm. Mara burns the other to ash with her magic.

The party take a short rest before exploring the goblin cave.

The heroes advance to level 2!
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The Adventures of Fap Longwood #2 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

The heroes enter Cragmaw Caverns to rescue their new boss. Mara is the only member of the party who cannot see in the dark, so she stumbles ahead blindly, clinging to Brian’s arm. Fap and Horatio take the lead.

Three wolves are chained to a big rock near the entrance. They cannot reach the heroes and the goblins don’t respond to their howling, so the party ignore the beasts and move along.

Ahead, a single sentry perches atop a rocky ledge, 10ft higher than the tunnel floor. The goblin is happily picking his nose and eating what he finds up there. Horatio interrupts his feast by shooting him in the head.

The party reach a junction; the smell of smoke and burning meat wafts from the western tunnel, the sound of rushing water echoes from the eastern passage. The party head east, hoping the waterfall will mask the sound of their approach.

An underground river feeds a large, dark pool. Two goblins watch a third, who is trying to snatch fish out of the water with his bare hands. He gets one! Unimpressed by this feat of dexterity, the heroes attack! Mara casts a spell so she can see what she’s doing, the goblins cry out and swat at the dancing lights.

The sound of combat draws reinforcements from an adjacent chamber; a hulking bugbear and his pet wolf join the fray, flanked by a pair of goblin archers.

Brian explodes the wolf with a Guiding Bolt. Horatio interposes himself between the cleric and the bereaved bugbear. Mara casts Burning Hands, sculpting the spell to avoid damaging the dwarven fighter. One unfortunate goblin is caught in the cone of fire and reduced to ash. The bugbear is smoked, but still standing.

“Good work!” Fap congratulates the halfling mage. He spots one of the goblin marksman taking aim at the little wizard, “Mara, look out!”

His warning comes too late, Mara is shot in the back and falls down, unconscious and dying!

Fap returns fire and the kills the goblin sniper. Realising the tide of battle has turned against him, the bugbear retreats. Horatio goes after him, slips on the fish the goblin caught earlier and falls into the pool. Fortunately, the water is not too deep and he clambers out, wet and angry. Unfortunately, the bugbear has made good his escape.

Brian stabilizes Mara and the party take a short rest. Searching the bugbear’s lair, the heroes find a modest amount of treasure and a couple of healing potions. There is also a stack of stolen goods stamped with the trade seal of the Lionshield Coster.

The party return to the junction and explore the western tunnel. Four goblins cavort around a smoky fire and two more sit astride a bound human prisoner. It is Sildar Hallwinter, Gundren’s (apparently unsuccessful) bodyguard!

Mara casts Burning Hands, taking out half the goblins around the fire! One of the other goblins holds a blade to Sildar’s throat and starts screeching in a language none of the heroes comprehend. Mara casts Colour Spray, blinding the hostage taker, who drops his knife and covers his eyes.

The heroes finish off the goblins and release Sildar. The bodyguard confirms that he and Gundren were ambushed on the road to Phandalin. He was hit on the head and woke up in this cave, he does not know what happened to his charge, although he heard the goblins talking about a ruined castle to the north.


The Adventures of Fap Longwood #3 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

Sadly, it seems the heroes’ employer is literally in another castle!

The party exit the cave system and complete the journey to Phandalin. Two dozen modest homesteads stand amidst the tumbled ruins of a bygone age. Mara makes a mental note to examine the ancient stonework when she gets the chance. Gundren and Sildar had made reservations to share a room at the Stonehill Inn, so the party head there first. Fap tosses a handful of copper to some children playing in the street and asks them to keep an eye on the wagon while the party freshen up. After arranging their lodgings, the heroes convene in the common room and discuss their next move over a flagon of ale.

Sildar reveals that he is a member of the Lords Alliance. He explains that while he did take the contract to guard Gundren on the road, the real reason he came to Phandalin was to track down a renegade nobleman called Iarno Albrek. Sildar is prepared to reward the heroes for any information leading to the wastrel’s capture.

The innkeeper warns the party to steer clear of the Redbrands, a gang of thugs who have been stirring up trouble in town. They are easily identifiable by the red armour they all wear, supposedly stained that colour by blood. Horatio snorts into his ale, sending foam everywhere.

“Sounds like a right bunch of arseholes!” he laughs.

Brian asks if the town is facing any other problems that a group of well-intentioned heroes could resolve.

“I think you meant to say ‘well compensated’,” Horatio adds helpfully.

Apparently, there are rumours of an orc raiding party roaming the Triboar Trail. The heroes agree to deal with the orcs, should their paths cross.

One of the youths Fap paid to watch the wagon rushes into the common room.

“Oi! Elf-Ears! Some blokes are nicking your stuff!”

The heroes head outside and interrupt four human thugs in the process of hijacking their unattended wagon. All four men are wearing red armour.

“Get off our wagon!” Horatio roars.

“I think you're mistaken, stranger,” one of the Redbrand thugs replies with an unpleasant smirk, “This is our wagon, aint’ that right lads? Unless you want trouble, best you lot were moving on.”

“Perhaps we can sort this out over a round of drinks…?”
Brian suggests, but his attempt at diplomacy is undermined when Horatio takes a swing at the nearest robber.

Unfortunately, he misses and slaps one of the two oxen still hitched up to the wagon on the rump. The beast bellows and begins to move forward, dragging the wagon. The two Redbrand thugs standing in the wagon lose their balance and tumble to the ground. The runaway wagon begins to pick up speed – it is bearing down on an old woman s-l-o-w-l-y crossing the street, oblivious to her impending doom!

Fap runs after the runaway wagon, leaps onto the driver’s bench and tries – unsuccessfully – to slow the beasts. Mara casts Magic Missile, targeting three of the wagon’s four wheel and blasting them to flinders. The wagon grinds to a halt and the old lady is saved!

It swiftly dawns on the Redbrands that they have picked a fight above their weight and the ruffians disengage. The heroes let them go with a stern warning. A grizzled old man approaches the group, introducing himself as Daran Edermath (retired adventurer).

“The Redbrands are easily startled,” he says, “But they will be back – and in greater numbers.”

Daran offers to hide the party in his orchard. The heroes don’t want to abandon their wagon in the street, but with only one wheel, it’s not going anywhere. Daran reassures the heroes that even if the Redbrands do abscond with their provisions, they will surely take the ill-gotten goods to their headquarters in the ruin of Tresendar Manor. Sildar opts to remain in town and keep an eye on things there, since the Redbrands did not see him and the heroes together.
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The Adventures of Fap Longwood #4 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

The party make camp behind a hill on the edge of Daran Edermath’s land, where the roaming Redbrands won’t find them.

“Why are you helping us?” Fap asks the old man.

“Like you, I was an adventurer, back in my youth,” Daran explains, “I was a member of the Order of the Gauntlet. It doesn’t sit right with me, how those Redbrand ruffians run roughshod over the good people of this town. I figure you lot might be of a mind to do something about that.”

Daran adds that one of his neighbours was murdered by the gang. He stood up the Redbrands outside the Sleeping Giant taproom, after the thugs started harassing his pretty young wife and was straight up butchered for his trouble. Townmaster Westen is a coward and will not act for fear of violent retaliation from the gang.

Daran knows the leader of the Redbrands is a wizard calling himself Glasstaff.

The heroes decide that the Redbrands need to be taken down a peg or three. At dusk, they march on the Sleeping Giant. Having jumped to the conclusion that the strangers must have left town, six Redbrand thugs are getting drunk inside. Every so often, one of the (increasingly intoxicated) robbers staggers outside to use the facilities (i.e: the back wall of the building). Against Horatio’s wishes to kick open the front door, the heroes lurk outside and pick the Redbrands off one at a time. When two men emerge simultaneously, Mara drops them both with a Sleep spell. The last two thugs drink themselves into a stupor, saving Mara a spell slot. The party truss up their captives and tie them to the trunk of a large apple tree in Daran’s orchard, where the old adventurer will babysit, a heavy crossbow resting across his lap.

It is nearing midnight as Fap Longwood and friends march on Tresendar Manor.


The Adventures of Fap Longwood #5 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

The ruins of a large, derelict house lie still and silent, the moon’s pale light casting long shadows across the rubble-strewn grounds. Stone stairs descend into the cellar, where boxes and barrels of stolen goods are stacked haphazardly around a cistern brimming with grey, oily water. Mara’s eyes alight on a sack of rosy red apples and she pops one into her pocket. Battling injustice is hungry work!

Fap and Horatio take the lead and press on through a doorway in the north wall. They walk over a trapdoor and fall into a 10ft pit. Brian lowers a rope and hauls them back up. Mara spots a narrow ledge skirting the length of the pit and the party edge across carefully.

The party enter a crypt, where three skeletons have been propped up against their dusty sarcophagi. There are two obvious exits on the opposite side of the tomb, but approaching them triggers the skeletons to rise up and attack! Brian channels the light of Ilmater to turn undead. The skeletons cower fearfully, their old bones rattling with fear and the rest of the party put them to rest – permanently this time.

The first door is locked and the party don’t have the key, nor the means to pick the lock. The second door opens into a prison, where a frightened woman and her two young children have been left to languish in a small, dirty cell. A ring of keys hangs by the door and Fap releases the prisoners. The woman is Mirna Drendar, wife of Daran’s murdered neighbour. The children are all that remain of her family.

The heroes escort the civilians out of the dungeon. Brian and Horatio give the children piggyback rides across the pit. They leave the family with Sildar at the Stonehill Inn, while they return to the manor to hunt down Glasstaff and what’s left of his criminal enterprise.
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The Adventures of Fap Longwood #6 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

Other than the locked door adjacent to the prison, the party can discern no other way to proceed. Horatio and Brian fall back on their dwarven stonecunning and find a secret door disguised to match the surrounding brickwork. The door opens into a large underground cavern beneath the foundations of the manor, divided by a deep, dark fissure in the rock. Two arched wooden bridges span the chasm. The area is unlit and there are no Redbrands in sight. Warily, Fap and Horatio approach the edge.

“Maybe you should hang back,” Horatio suggests, laying a hand on Fap’s arm, “You do have a habit of falling into almost every hole we come across….”

Fap shrugs the dwarf’s hand away and steps up to the lip of the crevasse. He has the unsettling impression of being observed from the darkness below. Was that a large green eye staring up at him, or did he imagine it…? Fap starts to feel a little wobbly and Horatio reaches up to steady him, uncharacteristic concern etched across his battle-scarred features.

“You didn’t leave your hometown to be an adventurer…” a soft voice whispers in Fap’s head, “You were driven out by your kin…. You are a liar and a thief….

“And a murderer….”

“My backstory!!” Fap cries, reeling away from the pit, “Who are you? How do you know that?”

“Who are you talking to, lad?”
Horatio asks, raising his sword “Is there someone down there?”

The dwarven fighter snatches Mara’s torch and tosses it into the hole. The bottom of the fissure is choked with bones! A gaunt humanoid figure draped in filthy rags recoils from the light. The creature has a single, large eyeball set above a mouth filled with toothy fangs! It hisses and scuttles into the dark.

“A cyclops?” Horatio hazards, “Never fought a cyclops before. Should be a laugh.”

“A nothic.”
Mara corrects him, “A spellcaster corrupted by their hunger for arcane lore. Pitiful really, but still quite dangerous.”

Brian notices one of the skeletons is clutching a glowing longsword. The two dwarves climb down to get it, while Fap and Mara provide ranged support. There is no sign of the nothic, but Brian keeps watch while Horatio prises the sword from the cold, dead fingers of its previous owner. The hilt and crossguard have been crafted in the likeness of a hawk with its wings outstretched. As the primary damage dealer in the party, Horatio claims the blade. There is also a battered chest half-buried beneath the bones, containing treasure, potions and scrolls.

The nothic sees the two dwarves grubbing through its modest hoard and subjects Horatio to its rotting gaze. An arrow whistles passed and hits the cyclopean creature in the eye! The nothic shrieks and flees along the floor of the ravine, pursued by the two dwarves. They follow the trail of milky eye goo to a cave mouth overlooking the woods around Phandalin. Unfortunately, the wounded nothic is nowhere to be found.


The Adventures of Fap Longwood #7 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

The heroes continue to explore the Redbrand’s hideout. The door ahead stands ajar and raised voices can be heard from the other side. Fap peeks in and sees a drunken goblin dancing on a table, cheered by three appreciative bugbears. One of the bugbears has a large iron key hooked on his belt. Remembering the locked door near the prison, Fap reaches for the key….

“Oi!!” the keybearer yells, slapping Fap’s hand away, “Who are you then?”

The bugbears jump up, knocking over the table and sending the surprised goblin cartwheeling across the room.

“I’m the dwarf who’s gonna’ slice off your nethers!” Horatio roars, barging passed Fap and swinging his new sword at the closest enemy.

Two bugbears gang up on Horatio and knock him down. The third exits via a different door and circles round to flank the party. Brian heals Horatio, who rises groggily and re-joins the fray.

The third bugbear creeps around the corner and catches Mara unaware, bringing its maul down atop her skull with a sickening crunch. Mara’s eyes go blank as she falls to the ground, blood pooling around her head. Her silver-rimmed spectacles go flying across the room.

The heroes defeat the bugbears. Brian heals Mara and hands over her glasses, miraculously unbroken during the fight. Horatio waves the cleric away and quaffs a potion instead. Fap lifts the iron key from the dead bugbear’s belt.

Horatio grabs the drunk goblin and slaps him sober. None of the heroes speak goblin, fortunately the goblin speaks a bit of Common. His name is Droop and he was sent (with the bugbears) by King Grol to reinforce the Redbrands. King Grol can be found in a ruined castle to the north and is allied to someone (or something?) called the Black Spider. Since Droop claims he can lead them to the goblin king’s castle, the party let him live – for now. Fap ties Droop to a chair. The party plan to collect him later, after dealing with Glasstaff.
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The Adventures of Fap Longwood #8 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

The party enter what appears to be a wizard’s workshop; half library, half laboratory. Shelves bulge with dog-eared tomes of arcane formula and glass beakers bubble over with angry froth. A single rat scurries across the floor and squeezes beneath a door on the other side of the workroom. There is no sign of Glassstaff, although the wizard must be close. The party advance cautiously, careful not to disturb the arcane apparatus.

The door opens into a bed chamber draped with rich scarlet cloth, furnished with a comfortable bed and small writing desk. A smouldering pipe lies on the carpet beside the desk, dropped in haste and abandoned.

“Glasstaff was just here!” Fap says with surety, “He must have known we were coming for him and fled.”

“But how?”
Horatio asks, “There's nowhere for him to go! Some spell perhaps?”

Fap spots the same rat from before, scurrying behind the drapes. Grabbing the crimson cloth, he pulls the heavy curtain off the wall, revealing a hidden door into a storeroom packed with the Redbrand’s ill-gotten gains. The storeroom door opens into the large cavern where the party encountered the nothic. Fap spots a bearded man hustling toward the exit. Fap raises his bow and takes a shot, hoping to bring the man down or at least hobble his escape. His aim is true, but his target is protected by a magical shield that deflects the arrow’s flight. Glasstaff pauses long enough to flip Fap the bird, before breaking line of sight.

Meanwhile, Brian and Mara search the wizard’s quarters for clues. The desk contains correspondence from the Black Spider, addressed to ‘Lord Albrek – or Glasstaff, as you style yourself these days’. The letter proves the Black Spider orchestrated the abduction of Gundren Rockseeker to secure a map in the prospector’s possession.

“Sildar will want to see this.” Mara says, slipping the letter into her pocket.

Unfortunately, Glassstaff has escaped. When the heroes go to collect Droop, they find the goblin has slipped his bonds and fled also. The party have ended the Redbrand menace, but are no closer to finding their missing employer. The heroes return to town and advance to level 3!
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The Adventures of Fap Longwood #9 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

Mara hands Sildar the letter proving that Glasstaff is the rogue noble he is hunting. Sildar summons aid from the Lord’s Alliance to deliver the captive Redbrands to Neverwinter, where they will stand trial for their crimes. Townmaster Harbin Westen awards the party 200gp for breaking the gang’s hold over Phandalin and offers an additional reward if they eliminate the orc marauders along the Triboar Trail.

The owner of the Stonehill Inn offers Mirna Drendar and her children free room and board until they are back on their feet. The young widow does not have much money, but she tells Fap where to find a family heirloom hidden in the forsaken village of Thundertree. Fap turns down the offer of compensation, but promises to return her mother’s necklace, should his travels take him so far north.

Impressed by how efficiently the party ended the Redbrand menace, Daran Edermath asks them to look into strange sightings at the ruins of Old Owl Well.

The heroes accept his quest and follow the Triboar Trail east toward the ruin, looking for signs of the orc raiding party along the way. They come across a burnt-out farmstead, the charred remains of the family that lived there huddled inside where they burnt to death. Fap finds tracks left by a half dozen orcs… and something bigger. Quietly, the heroes bury the bodies and Brian utters a prayer to Ilmater, tears streaking down his whiskery cheeks.

The party spend the night in the barn, unaware that is occupied by a swarm of blood-thirsty stirges. The hungry critters descend from the rafters, but are quickly exterminated.


The Adventures of Fap Longwood #10 (Lost Mine of Phandelver)

The heroes spend the next day following the orc’s trail further into the wilderness.

“Might be we can kill two birds with the one stone,” Horatio says hopefully, noting they are still on course for Old Owl Well.

The party make camp and the night passes uneventfully. The next morning, the orc tracks swing south, toward the barren foothills of Wyvern Tor. After climbing for several hours, the trail ends at the mouth of a dark and uninviting tunnel. A single orc stands watch, scraping a whetstone along the killing edge of his monstrous axe.

Fap nocks an arrow to his bowstring and takes a deep, steadying breath, hoping he can neutralise the sentry in a single shot. His arrow takes the orc in the shoulder, spinning him around, but failing to kill outright. The orc roars in alarm and the rest of his war band charge screaming from the tunnel. Half the orcs lob their javelins, the rest charge into melee. They are lead by a particularly large and fearsome brute called Brughor Axe-Biter. Bringing up the rear is a huge, stupid-looking ogre, dragging a massive club.

Horatio charges the ogre, but Brughor moves to intercept him.

“Dwarf!! I’ll cut off your beard and use it to wipe my arse!!” the orc chieftain bellows.

Brian targets the ogre with Guiding Bolt, but misses his mark. The ogre turns sluggishly and lumbers toward him. Flames dancing between her fingers, Mara projects a cone of fire into the ogre’s dumb face. It panics and spins in place, howling like a child. Brian steps forward and swings his warhammer into the brute’s leg, shattering the kneecap as though it were made of eggshell. Unable to support its weight, the ogre goes down like a felled tree.

“Gog want to live!!” the ogre pleads.

Brian hesitates, but only for an instant. He remembers standing over a shallow grave behind a burnt-out farmstead, the salty tang of tears on his tongue.

“You don’t deserve to live.” Brian answers, bringing the hammer down on the ogre’s skull.

The party cut down the orcs, leaving no survivors. They find the war band’s plunder stashed in the cave, including three vials of smelly perfume which the ogre could have benefited from. Horatio beheads the dead orcs and throws their severed heads into a sack, which he will present to Townmaster Westen as proof that the marauders shall maraud no more.

The party make camp atop Wyvern Tor, to recover health and spell slots, before investigating Old Owl Well upon the morrow.

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