The worst of all editions? (humor)

[Rolflyn]

1.) Roll 3d6, in order, for your scores.
2.) Roll 2d8 points to assign to those scores, using table 1-2.
3.) Pick a race. Choose one positive ability bump and the negative bump. Write down all racial powers and skill mods.
4.) Roll % for all scores above 18 (IE 18/73)
5.) Pick a role (defender, controller, striker, leader). Note constant role abilities. (mark, damage kicker, healing minor, etc).
6.) Pick your power source (cross check against role). This determines your class. Check to make sure you meet all class prerequisites for race and ability scores.
7.) Pick class powers: 2 at will, 1 encounter, 1 daily.
8.) Roll 3d-Hit dice for starting hp.
9.) Check starting skills. Remember to x4 your starting skill points, 1/2 for cross class. Check for skill synergy and racial bonuses, as well as situational mods.
10.) Pick 2 feats, once from the specific class list, once general.
11.) Purchase all starting gear.
12.) Write down name and alignment.
13.) Play!

Est time: 2.5 hours.

Sign me up, sounds like fun!

 

[thedungeondelver]

The game's entire magic system is replaced by 1e AD&D psionics. Mandatory. You have to roll d% to try to not have them.

Borrowing a page from HERO SYSTEM, there are now a simple-to-remember 22 character stats.

Demihuman level limits are in play for humans, too. Except for Halflings*. Halflings can level unlimited as fighter or magic-user.

A non-optional 500 page splatbook on how to properly play a Kender. Kender are a default race.

The default (assumed, written for) campaign world is Kenderplanet.

The 1e FIEND FOLIO is the core monster book.

Your old books will self destruct or be stolen when the new edition hits stores. And only stores. Online sales will be forbidden. This does not however imply purchase will not be mandatory. It will.

Character building software is only available via mail order and is distributed on floppy disks. The DDI subscription guarantees weekly/monthly software updates. No discounts to make up for when your mailman poops directly in your mailbox in revenge will be offered.

Miniatures are mandatory, but are all unpainted and unassembled metal. Some kind of metal. It was bought in bulk from the new Iraqi government and is made out of Gulf War I era destroyed tank hulks that were shot by USAF A10s.

The legal team that managed TSR's internet presence from 1990-1997 have been rehired.

...

*=I like Halflings just fine outside of the joke of this post.

 

[Dausuul]

You generate your ability scores using point buy, but roll to see how many points you get. There is an obvious optimal arrangement of stats for each class.

Just as in 4E core, classes are all built on a single unified framework. That framework is the BD&D fighter. Your class abilities consist of "roll to hit" and "roll damage." However, to create a sense of variety, these abilities are given flavorful names such as "bard song," "charm person," and "cure light wounds."

Combat is as fast-paced as epic 4E (before MM3), is as tactically engaging as BD&D, and uses rules as lightweight and flexible as 3E's and as well-organized and coherent as 1E's. Every round consists of fifteen minutes of totting up bonuses and modifiers, after which you roll to hit, roll damage, and are done. Because the combatants have 4E hit points but deal BD&D damage, it takes roughly three hours of this before anything dies.

Attack rolls use THAC0 and iterative attacks. When you roll to confirm a critical, you consult a chart.

Races are classes. It doesn't much matter because every class is a BD&D fighter. However, you can reap enormous benefits in hit points and AC by multi-classing, 3E-style. The best class combo starts with dragonborn 1/kender 3/gnome 2 and goes on from there. This is explicitly given as an example, to emphasize that it is legal under the rules.

Half the book is taken up by feats. There is a chain of seven feats which give you big across-the-board bonuses and can be taken only in a specific order. All the other feats suck. The seven-feat chain is explained as being necessary to make the math work. Each feat in the chain has the "tax" keyword.

The edition has errata issued every month, but there is no DDI support. Instead, "errata cards" are sold in randomized booster packs.

 

[Minigiant]

Suddenly a giant monstrous spider leaps down on your unsuspecting spellcaster.

Attack of Opportunity
Melee touch attack
Grapple check

The spider has your wizard in its buggy clutches.... and it is a spider-snake!

Constrict damage.

Action point
Poison flurry
Attack 1
Attack 2
Poison damage for starting in the Power's zone.

At least it wasn't a scorpion.

 

[LurkAway]

A kender Fighting Man and a shardmind Magic-User walk into a bar...

 

[Crazy Jerome]

They take out all compound names for classes, races, spells, etc. However, this uses up all the words in the English language--and more than a few stolen from other languages, during the unanticipated "naming riot" that descends on Seattle during the first few months after launch.

Accordingly, all characters must be named and described using made up, compound words. This is "Rule Negative One" in the text, to emphasize it is an exception to "Rule Zero".

I started to provide an example. Then I remembered the first rule of horror. What you will imagine from the above is far worse than anything I could list.

 

[Yora]

The answer to this one is so obvious: THAC0.

AD&D saving throws are just another manifestation of the same flaw.

 

[RigaMortus2]

Started a new campaign, and last night was our first session. I let the players design their characters from any and all books, no matter the system or setting.

Coincidentally, all my player's figured out how to design a Pun Pun. A fight broke out between party members when deciding what quest to go on, and now because of Pun Pun, we are in an infinite loop of time travel that even Bill & Ted won't be able to get out of.

 

[Number48]

My halfling fighter attacks the bugbear! Well, let's see. Roll a d20. Strength bonus, size penalty, weapon speed, sword versus chainmail modifier, modifier for HIS size, racial bonus, racial penalty, HIS racial bonus, HIS racial penalty, lighting condition, weapon condition, armor condition, footing, attacking from higher ground, defending from lower ground, age modifier, horoscope. Okay, let's compare that to the chart on page 136, that puts us on subtable 12, roll a d12. Go to page 197 and roll on chart Q. Roll a d12 and a d6. It's a hit! In the left big toe, it seems. Now all we have to do is figure out damage and effects.

 

[TarionzCousin]

Touch the silver end of the scepter to the gold crown and turn instantly to dust (no save).

This sort of thing was fun when I was a teenager DM'ing 1E, but is not my idea of a good time any more.