[Update] My girlfriend is not breaking up with me

[Umbran]

I just reject this notion that we, as men, should have no say in how a relationship operates.

As far as I can tell, you are rejecting a notion that nobody here has really advocated.

Plus, the pre-emptive breakup thing you suggested isn't being proactive. It is still reactive - you sense or think that she's going to break up with you, so you do it first. But you are still basing your actions upon the decision she made (or one you think she's made), rather than upon your own feelings.

The above post is 100% true...

Bunk. Twaddle. And a non-constructive use of inaccurate stereotypes to boot. It is thinking like this that brings us things like The Rules.

The problem with such generalizations is that, when you get down to it, you wind up dealing with a single individual person who will differ from your broad generalizations in umpteen different significant ways, and your methodology will fall apart like a house of cards.

In the end, anyone you get seriously involved with will find out who you really are, no matter how you act. If the person underneath does not match the "mysterious" (or whatever other) front you used at meeting, they will reevaluate the relationship based upon who you are, but they'll add the deception into their consideration, too. You may or may not come out positively in this. Seems to me that you delay the inevitable, and stack the odds against you if you behave like somehting you aren't. Better all around to be truthful to yourself and them at the outset.

 

[Vocenoctum]

Oh, yeah, know that one.

I've found that trying to 'maintain the friendship' is... ill-advised. It probably won't stop me doing it again in future, but I've found myself that the only way to even begin to heal is to just stay the hell away from her.

"I hope we can still be friends?"
"Sorry... it doesn't work like that. Have a nice life... and by the way, I'll be training at another club now."

-Hyp.

My last "relationship" was so on again/ off again, that I'm not sure, but we may still be dating and just haven't talked in 3 years.

If the girl you're dating has decided she had to go away to straighten stuff out, then the relationship is probably dead already. She's trying to sort out her life and doesn't want you involved in that process, so she probably feels (right or wrong) that you're stifling her.

The best is a friend whose fiance broke up with him because they weren't spending enough time togethor. The logic of "we're not seeing each other enough, so I don't want to see you anymore" is perfect!

 

[Heretic Apostate]

So spill! Did she break up with you or not?

 

[Umbran]

If the girl you're dating has decided she had to go away to straighten stuff out, then the relationship is probably dead already. She's trying to sort out her life and doesn't want you involved in that process, so she probably feels (right or wrong) that you're stifling her.

We should perhaps not engage in internet mind reading. We don't know the lady in question, nor any but the most vague of descriptions of what's going on. We are not in a position to know what's going on in her head, or know what she does or does not want.

 

[Stone Dog]

"I hope we can still be friends?"
"Sorry... it doesn't work like that. Have a nice life... and by the way, I'll be training at another club now."

Except when it does work like that. I dated a girl for over six months and she broke up with me for several reasons. Yeah, I was miserable for a while and wanted her back for a good while longer than that, but after 5 years she is still one of the best friends I have on this earth. She was one of the most important influences in my life (and those learning experiences are part of why I am happily married now) and I love her dearly. Just not in any sort of romantic way anymore.

Anyway, I hope this all goes well for you, oh suffering stranger.

 

[Turanil]

Last night, in an email, she confirmed my suspicion - when she returned, we needed to have a talk. I love my girlfriend. I'm frightened.

T-minus 3 hours and counting.

Hey, it has three days since you posted this! I want to know, what's happened? Did she left you or was it something else?

(After all, this "we need to have a serious talk" could turn into "now I want to marry you" or "I am pregnant", not only "sorry, I leave")

After the teaser we now have the right to know!

 

[BiggusGeekus]

Hey, it has three days since you posted this! I want to know, what's happened? Did she left you or was it something else?

I think, at this point, we must seriously consider the probability that the woman in question is actually a Rakshasa who has been in disguise all this time. ForceUser probably went to the rendez-vous without a blessed crossbow bolt (a good precaution for any social gathering) and is now likely fighting for his life.

Either that or he went to Gen Con, but really which do you think is more likely?

 

[Turanil]

I think, at this point, we must seriously consider the probability that the woman in question is actually a Rakshasa who has been in disguise all this time. ForceUser probably went to the rendez-vous without a blessed crossbow bolt (an unwise precaution in any social gathering) and is now likely fighting for his life.

Either that or he went to Gen Con, but really which do you think is more likely?

I can hazard this guess:

The Rakshasa in disguise finally arrived, intent on revealing her odious treachery, then eat him. So she began saying "Well my dear, we need to seriously talk. I have someth..." Of course ForceUser was anxious, but inadvertently he got a look at his watch "Oh s--t!! I am late for GenCon! Sorry honey, let's continue this talk when I am back!".

Well, I have no idea how it could have gone thereafter, when coming back from GenCon; especially if ForceUser got one pack of these cool new Star-Wars minis...

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EDIT

In fact, I believe that if he came back from GenCon with one of these cool new Star-Wars minis, things went probably like that.

--(She): How can you treat me like that! I waited three days and nights in front of your door, it rained, and I got the flu! I want to tell you it's finished between us! You hear me?! I leave!!
--(He): How cool! Look at this mini of Darth Vador! isn't that cute?!

 

[Hypersmurf]

Except when it does work like that. I dated a girl for over six months and she broke up with me for several reasons. Yeah, I was miserable for a while and wanted her back for a good while longer than that, but after 5 years she is still one of the best friends I have on this earth. She was one of the most important influences in my life (and those learning experiences are part of why I am happily married now) and I love her dearly. Just not in any sort of romantic way anymore.

I've just found that it's not possible to get back to the 'friends' place until the wounds heal... and they don't heal while she's still there.

Given time without her around, with a chance for the heart to recuperate a little, I can imagine potentially making a friendship work again. But that time is - for me, at least - absolutely necessary.

-Hyp.

 

[ForceUser]

Thanks for all the interest. I appreciate the support.

My girlfriend did not break up with me. She has apparently been unhappy in the relationship, which was news to me. She got on the plane back here convinced that she needed to break up with me. We discussed things and figured out the real problem: she spends all of her free time devoted to the relationship to the detriment of her personal interests. We have agreed to spend less time together, and she has signed up for a poetry class and an aikido class where she hopes to make new friends and have a life of her own that does not involve being devoted to the relationship 24/7. It's strange new territory for me - the idea of her not being around as often - but it sounds healthy and if it makes her happier, I'm all for it. It will be an adjustment for me, but it's a lot better than breaking up, which as it turns out, is something neither of us wants to do.

More later, I'm off to game.