[Update] My girlfriend is not breaking up with me

[Desdichado]

There's a fair amount of bad advice in there. In general, I'd be extremely wary of anything that sounds a little like "don't commit yourself too far, look out for #1." Exactly that attitude is why divorce rates are as high as they are these days. Anybody who can make a relationship last should tell you that it takes commitment of a kind that you probably haven't ever done before. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of understanding, and forgiving and compromising and not always getting exactly what you want. And it takes doing so without making yourself out as some kind of martyr, because your SO is most likely doing the exact same thing.

I'm sure TB is totally right when he says he's seen a lot of couples that had problems of this scale break up. I'm also totally right when I say I've seen a lot of couples that had more serious issues than this, and worked through them and are still happily together now. Heck, I've had harder issues to deal with than that, and we just had our tenth wedding anniversary earlier this summer.

 

[reanjr]

I'm going to catch Hell for this, but I want you to listen closely ForceUser.

She is still going to dump you

You two talked yourselves out of it, but when she returns to her life away from you and begins to mingle with folks to your exclusion (by design I might add), she is going to hook up with someone from that group.

Make no mistake; you are still breaking up, you havce just chosen to do it incrementally rather than all at once.

I'm sorry man , but I've seen it more times than I can count (and taken part more times than I'd like to admit).

I have to confirm this from experience. While it certainly is possible that this is some unique situation, it's probably going to happen.

 

[reanjr]

The human heart is not digital, TB. It has more than the two states.

The lifeline is split into FEAR and LOVE dammit!!

 

[cyferwolf]

I think it's immature. George Costanza is no role model. I am hoping to work it out.

Looking for maturity on the internet is like looking for diamonds in dog doo. You might find some, but you'll come out rather worse for wear.

 

[Umbran]

Anybody who can make a relationship last should tell you that it takes commitment of a kind that you probably haven't ever done before. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of understanding, and forgiving and compromising and not always getting exactly what you want. And it takes doing so without making yourself out as some kind of martyr, because your SO is most likely doing the exact same thing.

Amen and Hallelujah!

The US Census Bureau says that between 47% and 50% of new marriages end in divorce. In the modern world, staying together is hard.

Heck, I've had harder issues to deal with than that, and we just had our tenth wedding anniversary earlier this summer.

Cool! Congrats!

 

[Vocenoctum]

Exactly that attitude is why divorce rates are as high as they are these days. Anybody who can make a relationship last should tell you that it takes commitment of a kind that you probably haven't ever done before. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of understanding, and forgiving and compromising and not always getting exactly what you want. And it takes doing so without making yourself out as some kind of martyr, because your SO is most likely doing the exact same thing.

The guy who got dumped because he didn't spend enough time with his fiance, he and I had been talking before hand, and I told him "Just remember, things will change once you're married"
"We've been togethor for years, I know who she is."
"I've never met her, but it doesn't matter. I'm not saying things will get worse, but they WILL change. Just be ready to work it out."

We had been discussing his spending habits, and he said he pays all the bills, and uses his overtime money for hobby's, so she couldn't complain about the money. I said "well then, she'll complain about you not spending enough time with her because you're always working overtime."

Heck, that was a year ago she dumped him, and he's engaged again. Hopefully better luck this time.

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

The US Census Bureau says that between 47% and 50% of new marriages end in divorce. In the modern world, staying together is hard.

Heh. I thank Jesus, Buddha, and Vishnu every morning that my parents broke up, and had the common decency to do it when I was 3 rather than 13. They're nice people, but they're oil and water.

BIG TANGENT/RANT ALERT

Some people look at a statistic like that and think "How horrible. No one values marriage anymore." I look at that statistic and think "How many of those 47-50% shouldn't have gotten married in the first place? Who pushed them into that?" I for one think marriage is entirely too over-valued in our society, and people like me who love somebody but don't put much stock in marriages are punished for that belief.

How many marriages are entered into for financial reasons? For some, that's the only way they can get health insurance if they have the wrong kind of job.

If there were a good domestic partnership law in this country, I bet we'd see those divorce statistics cut in half overnight. Why? Less people getting married.

 

[Desdichado]

RESPONSE TO BIG TANGENT RANT ALERT

OK, I know I'm probably going to be in the minority on this one, but I really have to wonder at how someone can claim that marriage is "overvalued" in our society; I'd quite strongly agree that the opposite is true.

Now, don't get me wrong, there's a lot of good reasons that marriages can end in divorce. But I think we're fooling ourselves if we think most of those marriages fall into that bracket. Most marriages fail, in my opinion, because of lack of commitment to each other and to the marriage, and an increasing level of self-centeredness in general.

So, the solution to divorce is to have better domestic partnership laws so that fewer people get married? That's silly; that doesn't address the fundamental reason the relationships fail. That's a loophole around the statistic is all.

Not only that, that's "playing house." Yeah, we're going to get together, act like we're married, but we're not going to actually, y'know, get married, because I don't want to make that kind of long-term commitment, and hey, that'll really suck for me if it doesn't work out.

Well, duh. Going into it with that frame of mind, of course it's going to fail. A relationship is a commitment. That's one of the reasons I strongly support marriage; unmarried couples that lack that committment are setting themselves up to fail. Now, that doesn't mean you should rush into marriage; I'm hardly an advocate of that. You still need to get married for the right reasons.

But a workaround that invalidates the statistic but does nothing to address the root problem is silly. The solution for lowering the divorce rate isn't to make marriage less attractive, it's to value committment and sacrifice rather than self-interest and short-term gratification.

Not that I have any ideas on how to do that beyond myself and my own family, but there you have it.

 

[Turanil]

The solution for lowering the divorce rate isn't to make marriage less attractive, it's to value committment and sacrifice rather than self-interest and short-term gratification.

You mean... Sex??

 

[Goblyns Hoard]

Live your own life!

ForceUser - don't be convinced by anything anyone say "Is going to happen"

I went through something like what you've been through... but she actually left me. We lived separately for about 2 months, she did her own thing, I sat in Limbo, waiting to hear from her.

I did not hound her to stay with me, I gave her the distance and space she asked for

And just this morning she booked the venue for our wedding (365 days left lads... toooo short )

That said my best mate at work who was getting married in about 9 months time is now single - citing pretty much exactly what my girl did to me....

It can go either way, give her the space she needs to be her own person... more important than that take an interest in her actions. Go watch her when she's competing in her aikido class or grading for her next belt, go listen to her friends when they have recitals. Try and become part of the people that are "her" friends - afterall she comes out with your mates as well (I hope)

Of course don't forget what the Tarrasque said - your feelings, your well being are just as important as hers, don't let yourself fall into her shadow. But equally she needs the space to be herself

All the best - hoping you get the same response I did!

The Hoard