Was I too nice?

[DrakkenKaiser]

And now he's alone with the player he was running off with.

Hi, I'm Mamacat's hubby.

The group itself was falling apart bit by bit, and last I understand they were changing gears to do a different game because they were losing all of their players. It was sort of agonizing for us to give it up like we did because we had been in three or four very, very bad groups previous to this ("I was killed by a trout? What the &%@#?"), and everyone at the table was very cordial and helpful with one another up until this point. Hearsay is a terrible thing though, and it ended up slapping away all the good will we had very swiftly.

I want to avoid getting into too much detail because the GM is a frequenter here, and I don't want anything to come back and bite any of us in the butt again.

 

[Sigurd]

In fairness to the DM, he's likely not a mind reader. If you're close to an issue you may not see improvements that can be made. Vocal players are a resource not a threat.

If people were\aren't happy it really really helps for them to talk about it.

Dming can be a lot of work and constructive criticism can make the whole effort more worthwhile for everyone involved.


Sigurd

But, again, its not a question of niceness but clarity. Your hindsight is showing what your foresight couldn't convince you of.

 

[TheAuldGrump]

Welcome aboard!

Too nice? Maybe, maybe not. I do not really have enough information.

But it does sound like you might have spoken to the DM about things before the situation came to a head. Communication is always a good first step. (I know, it seems a lot of people have given that advice, hunker down, more will come along to repeat it. )

If you had spoken to him, and were still having problems then looking for a group that is closer to your play style would have been a good idea. Letting it fester was not going to help.

Bringing along a young child... can cause problems in a lot of groups - they may have continued leaving you out of things because you were showing more interest in the babe, which led you to feel more excluded, which led to you paying less attention to the game... a vicious circle.

So, aside from saying 'talk things through' my only advice is 'I dunno.

The Auld Grump

 

[C.W.Richeson]

Welcome to ENWorld, Mamacat!

Sounds like an unpleasant situation for everyone involved. I think I would have regularly talked to the GM about it and, when my character was left, mentioned my desire to be included in the current scene. There's no need to be too confrontational either

"Hey DM, it sure would rock if we encountered traps more often. They're neat, and my character's really good at dealing with them."

"Hey DM, can my character enter the current scene?"

Maybe none of this would work, but I'd definitely do it before playing in a game that didn't work for me for years.

Happy gaming!

 

[megamania]

communication




....and it was suggested the group was recovering from others leaving. Sounds like a pattern. The DM may not even be aware of the issue. maybe he / she is now. Lets hope a lesson will be learned. Until then- look for a new group, keep it upfront about the child and what was lacking from the prior group.



I am in the process of rebuilding myself after a bit of built-up frustration that lead to my cancelling our group. Everyone needs to get something out of the game.

 

[Man in the Funny Hat]

And let's hear it one more time:

COMMUNICATION.

Don't ever assume that others are reading your mind, or your moods, or body language, or vocal innuendo, SAY SOMETHING. When a game goes south - for WHATEVER reason - get UP on your high horse and let others know in no uncertain terms that you are unhappy with the current situation. If you're bored to tears don't just go play Minesweeper, tell the DM you're bored. If you don't like someones attitude let them know. After all they may not KNOW just how annoying they are being.

If bad D&D is the only D&D you can find you're not doing anyone any favors by suffering in silence. If it comes down to shouting matches and personal insults you can take it as read that, yes, you've been too nice. You should have been able to determine long before that point that it would GET to that point and have left before it DID get to that point. But the only way to reliably do that is COMMUNICATION.

 

[fba827]

I had something else typed here, including mention that the DM or other players may have been bothered by the presence of your child, which is why they ran off with out you and without waiting for you to do stuff and even tossing personal comments about it.

But let's put that aside...which is why I deleted that original response. I'll derail your originally posted question with this simple thought -- The group is over, it's done with, chalk it up as a bad social experience (which is what D&D groups are - recreational social activities) and move on.

As for your husband, you should at least mention to him (if you haven't already) that you were bothered. You don't need to make it a long drawn out case, simply that you weren't enjoying yourself and felt like you were characetr was getting ignored and that the DM seemed to get into personal attacks on you... but also be sure to toss in a line about how you continued to go because he was enjoying it and also that it doesn't matter anymore cause the group is over. And since the group is now dissolved it shouldn't bring up any resentment on game night. Don't let a bad d&d group cause a problem in communicated with your husband.

(just my two cents based on as much as I can tell from the situation based on what is written here)

 

[akbearfoot]

It's kinda amazing how one might parallel their relationship with their gaming groups with their intimate relationships. They have a lot of similarities, and the main thing that breaks them both apart is lack of honest communication.

You were definitely not too nice...I'm not sure there is such a thing as too nice, and the world NEEDS more nice people in it.

However you definitely should have said something about your dissatisfaction before it apparently turned into something more akin to resentment and ended in what sounds like a destroyed friendship...you just don't call a friend a bad mother...you just don't. Those are words that he probably can't take back, ever.

To the husband who from what it sounds like kept gaming with this group for a while after the big fight....You need to reexamine your priorities. I find your reaction to the whole situation to be more disconcerting than the OPs. Not to add fuel to the fire, but in your reply it sounded like you were more concerned for the feelings of the group you left then for your own wife...I'm just not sure what else to say to that...

In case the DM of this group ever reads this board....shame on you too. You know what you did, and even though the friendship may be done, you still owe somebody an apology.

 

[Grimstaff]

You were too nice, and should have quit sooner. Or gotten someone else to run a campaign, using, y'know, normal XP advancement rules (or giving out story awards as the DMG suggests, if the reason for slow advancement was just due to a lot of RP-related stuff rather than combat).

Maybe they were playing E6?

 

[Mamacat]

OK, from what I'm reading here, people think I should have spoken up sooner, or done so in a more obvious way. And you're probably right. I know the DM noticed on at least two occaisions that my interest was waining, but he tended to blame me for it, instead of looking at the whole situation. And he also blamed my husband for leaving, when my husband never leveled blame at anyone, and just said he wanted to stop playing.

As for my husband's reaction, yes, he was aware I was hurt and angry, but I also told him it was OK if he wanted to keep playing. We have a very stressful schedule - we work opposite shifts so one of us is always home with the baby, because we can't afford day care. So, the game was a way for him to relax, etc, and I think he was lothe to give it up, until it just became a chore.

And, just to clarify, we actually were in this group for about 5 years - so I became pregnant after we had been playing 2 - 3 years already (but we were playing different games atp, and the DM hadn't gone nutty yet). Also, my daughter loved going to the games, and she "talked" to everyone, and watched the DM's cats, etc. And, towards the end, we had actually switched to gaming at our house.

We are looking to start a new group - and, with our planning another baby for next year, we want to find folks who understand that sometimes, things happen, and kids come first.

Thanks for the input, everyone!