[Way OT & possibly NC-17 rated] Can men and women "just be friends"?

[Mathew_Freeman]

I say it is possible. Doesn't mean it's not difficult, or unlikely, or rare. But possible.

And all that stuff about "give a female friend a massage, then give a male friend exactly the same massage..." doesn't make sense to me at all. Of course you're going to give them a different massage. One's a guy, one's a girl. They have different...bits.

Oh, I can't explain what I mean, and I'm certainly not going to try here. But I'm intruiged as to how long this discussion can last.

And ROFL at Eric's first comment, too.

 

[EricNoah]

You know, it really has something to do with what you think friendship is. I think friendship has a lot do do with caring about the other person, wanting what is best for them, wanting them to be happy, and wanting to share experiences with them. So, yeah, it's totally possible to be friends with someone you find attractive if you really care about them as a person. You might feel frustrated if you don't get the affection you want, but if you really care about them you'll just decide not to worry about that.

Of course, in the case of most married people, they are friends with a person they find attractive AND they are getting and giving physical affection. That certainly doesn't hinder the friendship.

 

[aurin777]

It was said above that it requires the two friends to put sex completely out of mind. I don't know about the rest of you, but thats impossible. Minds wander - and if you are trying to be just strictly friends to someone you are attracted to, I don't think it is possible.
~~Brandon

 

[The Sigil]

FWIW, I'm quite able to have "friendly" relationships with members of either sex. In fact, I have several female friends with whom I am "just friends." And though they're all pretty darn cute, there's never a flirting problem.

You see, I'm married. They're married. They're friends with my wife, too. I'm friends with their husbands, too. My wife is friends with their husbands. Basically, it's a gang of 20- and 30-somethings who are all married and who enjoy hanging out together. Even though most of the ladies are cute, and I think most of the guys would probably count as "above average," there are no problems of this type at all - because (a) we are all committed to each other, (b) we are friends with the potential "flirt target's" spouse - that probably helps, since why would I want to do something to piss off a buddy, right, and (c) we are all religious and believe in monogamous relationships and that such actions are to be reserved for your spouse only.

So, it's absolutely possible to do... though I think your point that they would have to have some sort of "higher" conviction (be it a commitment to a relationship, a religious commitment, or a friendship with the S.O. of the person of the opposite sex) helps a lot. But even in high school, I hung out with a mixed group and there were no problems of that ilk (then again, we were all "band geeks" - but dating other "band geeks" was taboo - we referred jokingly to it as "incest" - these are your friends whom you "go to war with and romatic gooey stuff just wasn't called for). Perhaps I'm the exception to the rule.

--The Sigil

 

[RigaMortus]

I've seen When Harry Met Sally, a long time ago when it first came out. But I was younger then and didn't really understand it, and it's been so long I forget most of it. But I do remember the cafeteria scene with Meg Ryan and her faking... Well, you know (trying to keep this as clean as possible).

So to those who have posted here and say they DO have female friends and that is all there is to it. I ask you, if they approached you and wanted to go further, would you honestly refuse? Again, assuming you aren't married or gay.

And I mean refuse, not resist. Resist means you want to, but won't let it happen. Refuse means you don't want to at all.

I should have added another category.

"If they succeed these tests it means one of THREE things. Either they are married (and very committed), gay, or you are ugly."

Heh, let's face it. If you are not attracted to someone, of course you won't have feelings for them (Eric touched on this a bit). But this is the same as saying I'm not attracted to my male friends too (which I'm not.... Well, ok there's this guy Ray, but I just wanted to experiment... Ahem... Anyway...).

 

[EricNoah]

aurin777: I disagree. I think people can *decide* a lot more things than they think they can. They can determine their own attitudes, they can determine that being attracted to someone won't interfere with their ability to care for someone, etc.

 

[Teflon Billy]

here's pretty decent quote (from me!) during a breakup...she wanted to still be friends, my reply was...

"A friendship where one 'Friend' has unrequited sexual aspirations towards the other is recipe for emotional disaster"

I'll stand by that.

Another quote, from a similar situation in which I found myself (except I was *not* attracted to her at all, I was almost constantly angry). She wanted to "stay friends", my reply was...

'I've got enough friends"

 

[Joseph Elric Smith]

I would say yes, but then again i have several female friends and been friends with them for over 10 years.
ken

 

[MerakSpielman]

I think it's possible to just be friends. In my life, the majority of my friends have been girls/women. These friendships haven't changed since I got married (at least for the ones who are still in my life), and your arguement would seem to suggest that they would. Neither my wife nor I would think it at all odd for me to do something (lunch, movie, whatever) with them without my wife along, just like if they were a guy friend.

I mean, don't you have any control over your hormones? You can't just go around thinking of every woman you interact with as a potential sex object can you?

edit: the same was true before we were married - when we were just dating.

And before that? Well, we started dating when we were sixteen. There wasn't a whole lot of "before that."

If any of my female friends, at any point in my life, had just started hitting on me... well... first I would assume they were joking... Then I'd assume they were drunk... or crazy. I'd just be astonished.

 

[RigaMortus]

FWIW, I'm quite able to have "friendly" relationships with members of either sex. In fact, I have several female friends with whom I am "just friends." And though they're all pretty darn cute, there's never a flirting problem.

You see, I'm married. They're married. They're friends with my wife, too. I'm friends with their husbands, too. My wife is friends with their husbands. Basically, it's a gang of 20- and 30-somethings who are all married and who enjoy hanging out together. Even though most of the ladies are cute, and I think most of the guys would probably count as "above average," there are no problems of this type at all - because (a) we are all committed to each other, (b) we are friends with the potential "flirt target's" spouse - that probably helps, since why would I want to do something to piss off a buddy, right, and (c) we are all religious and believe in monogamous relationships and that such actions are to be reserved for your spouse only.

So, it's absolutely possible to do... though I think your point that they would have to have some sort of "higher" conviction (be it a commitment to a relationship, a religious commitment, or a friendship with the S.O. of the person of the opposite sex) helps a lot. But even in high school, I hung out with a mixed group and there were no problems of that ilk (then again, we were all "band geeks" - but dating other "band geeks" was taboo - we referred jokingly to it as "incest" - these are your friends whom you "go to war with and romatic gooey stuff just wasn't called for). Perhaps I'm the exception to the rule.

--The Sigil

Well you just excluded yourself since you are married. You are pretty much required to not be more-than-friends with a girl. You have no choice in the matter (well you do, but you know, let's not go there).

Ok, so these women, who are married, that you are friend with... Would you take one of them to the movies? Lets assume your wife had plans one night, and one of your female friends husbands was also busy. Do you think your wife and your friends husband would mind if just you two went to the movies together (maybe to see When Harry Met Sally)? And be honest...