[Way OT & possibly NC-17 rated] Can men and women "just be friends"?

[EricNoah]

I ask you, if they approached you and wanted to go further, would you honestly refuse?

You bet, because I have the ability to see past "right now" and anticipate consequences.

True story: I'm in college, I'm looking for a girlfriend, I go to a party, and a very cute girl basically attacks me. She's very drunk. Do I go for it? No, because I don't want to get tangled up in something like that.

Human beings have the ability to learn from the past, and to use their imaginations to imagine the future. Just because some choose not to doesn't mean it's not possible.

Again, there's a big difference between finding someone attractive and actually wanting to (wanting to in the sense of "I'm gonna feel bad if I don't") go for it.

 

[EricNoah]

"A friendship where one 'Friend' has unrequited sexual aspirations towards the other is recipe for emotional disaster"

I'll agree with this. So what comes next? Either the guy (let's just assume it's a guy, ok?? ) says to himself, "I want it to happen, but it's not going to happen, so it's time to get over it" and thus those "aspirations" go away; or he says to himself, "the pain of not gettin what I want isn't worth the pleasure I get from being friends with this person" and breaks off the relationship. (Or he allows himself to be strung along.) One scenario might be more likely than another, but I wouldn't say "impossible" by a long margin. There are a lot of things in this world that a person might like to do, but that they have to say to themselves "it's never gonna happen" and then get over it.

 

[Mathew_Freeman]

So to those who have posted here and say they DO have female friends and that is all there is to it. I ask you, if they approached you and wanted to go further, would you honestly refuse? Again, assuming you aren't married or gay.

And I mean refuse, not resist. Resist means you want to, but won't let it happen. Refuse means you don't want to at all.

Right, here we hit the age-old problem of you putting words into my mouth.

I HAVE refused a come-on before. She was very drunk, I had a girlfriend at the time. Now, if I'd been single, that would have been much more difficult, because I don't think I would feel happy at taking advantage of a drunk person. But that's a different story.

The title of the thread is "Can Men and Women Be Just Friends?" I say, look around, there's hundreds of them. If you don't think you can stay 'Just Friends' with a female friend, then I don't understand you. *shrug* I don't think you're wrong, or bad, or anything - but I don't understand you.

I honestly don't see how you can drop every female friend you have into that same category.

IMHO, etc etc etc, please let's keep this civil...

Re: refusing and resisting. That may not be the same thing, and you may just be arguing a point, but "refuse means you don't want to at all" - well, what? Are you assuming that I automatically want to go further? I'm not sure what you're talking about.

 

[RigaMortus]

I mean, don't you have any control over your hormones? You can't just go around thinking of every woman you interact with as a potential sex object can you?

I have about as much control over my hormones as I have control over my white blood cells. I don't think anyone has the ability to "control their hormones".

That said, I don't think every woman I interact with is a potential sex object. I cerntainly don't think that way about my sister. I only think of the really attractive ones as potential sex objects... Ok, even the semi-attractive ones. That doesn't mean I react as such. I can be as civil as the next guy and hold back my drool when approached by some hot chick (on the rare occassions it has happened). But it's still there, in the back... of FRONT of my mind.

Does that make me a bad person?

 

[Teflon Billy]

aurin777: I disagree. I think people can *decide* a lot more things than they think they can. They can determine their own attitudes, they can determine that being attracted to someone won't interfere with their ability to care for someone, etc.

See, I think the exact opposite. i think people give themslves way too much credit for being able to "decide" how they are going to feel.

Maybe I just live in a really emotional art of the world; but most people I know/meet don't seem to have this pseudo Vulcan detachment about their wants and desires.

I understand what Eric means with his A+B=C arguments out lined in the above quote, and the previous post, but I just don't think most people (and I include myself in this lump) have a great ability to just say "my wants and needs aren't that important"

Well, actually lots of people say it.

what Imeant was not many, on a viceral level, actually act that way.

 

[MerakSpielman]

As for the massage thing (I assume we're talking a BACK massage).... Yeah, even with close friends I'd prefer to give a lady a massage than a man. But I'd give them the same massage, and sex would never enter into my mind. You see, I like touching fluffy cotton blankets better than scratchy wool ones, but I still fold them both the same.

Frankly, I can't see a woman wanting to give a man a massage. Men have hair on their backs. I mean, that can't be comfortable to rub.

 

[Teflon Billy]

I have about as much control over my hormones as I have control over my white blood cells. I don't think anyone has the ability to "control their hormones".

That said, I don't think every woman I interact with is a potential sex object. I cerntainly don't think that way about my sister. I only think of the really attractive ones as potential sex objects... Ok, even the semi-attractive ones. That doesn't mean I react as such. I can be as civil as the next guy and hold back my drool when approached by some hot chick (on the rare occassions it has happened). But it's still there, in the back... of FRONT of my mind.

Does that make me a bad person?

I think you and I are cut from the same cloth Riga Mortus.

Unfortunately, the alignment tests consistently toss me up as a Chaotic Evil.

So, yes, I guess you are a bad person

 

[RigaMortus]

You bet, because I have the ability to see past "right now" and anticipate consequences.

True story: I'm in college, I'm looking for a girlfriend, I go to a party, and a very cute girl basically attacks me. She's very drunk. Do I go for it? No, because I don't want to get tangled up in something like that.

Nah, that doesn't count. It is the same reason I excluded married people. Sure, they are just as capable of flirting and going further with their "friend", but there are consequences. I'm talking about a friend, that you've known for more than 10 minutes at a party, and where you are both concentual and there are no immediate consequences (such as their husbands finding out or them accusing you of taking advantage of them in the morning).

 

[Mathew_Freeman]

RigaMortis - no, it doesn't make you a bad person. I just disagree that thinking someone is attractive = future friendship problems. I have several friends that I think are attractive, but they have boyfriends. I'm confident in my ability to restrain myself from being an idiot in front of them regarding how nice they are to look at. I value their friendships far too much.

To me, controlling your hormones merely means saying to yourself something along the lines of "Yeah, she's attractive. But she's got a boyfriend/I've got a girlfriend/etc".

TeflonBilly - I agree that whilst it's easy for us to sit here and say these things, actually falling in love (or lust, whichever it feels like at the time) does put a very different feel on this. It's much harder to hold to these thoughts when a female friend is making eyes at you...

 

[alsih2o]

sex is a basic drive, just like hunger.

so the important question is- if oyu had a good friend who was a hamburger would just eat him when you were kinda hungry and kill the friendship or wait till something else came along and keep the friend?


i know a lot of hamburgers