The Sigil
Mr. 3000 (Words per post)
Perhaps I am misreading, but I think the tone of the replies in favor of "players should be allowed to play anything they want" seem to come mostly from the place of "the player is the customer" and "the customer is always right" - and also "I want to play the game in X manner, if I can't play in that manner, that's rude to me." The common thread here is that it's a player saying, "what I want matters!" Of course what a given player wants matters!
Similarly, the tone of replies in favor of "the DM should be allowed to say 'no'" seems to come from a place of "the DM does the most work" or "the DM is providing the scarce commodity" and therefore "the DM is always right" and also "I want to DM a game in X manner, if I can't DM in that manner that's rude to me." The common thread here is that it's a DM saying, "what I want matters!" Of course what the DM wants matters!
There's a third set of replies that look at the group dynamic and say, "the group has agreed to X" and "what the group wants matters!" Well, if what each player wants matters and what the DM wants matters, of COURSE what the group wants matters!
To some degree, all three are correct, and all are reasonable statements.
Those who will say "what a DM wants matters MOST" may be able to call upon justification they think is reasonable - for example, they might speak to the "economics" of the DM offering the scarce commodity, point out that the DM doing the most work so their opinion should carry the most weight, etc. But when trying to undercut these arguments, for example, arguing that a player can assist with creating backstory to take the load off the DM, that is true, this is not really addressing the fundamental issue - the belief that "what a DM wants matters MOST." I do happen to think that taking an honest look at group dynamics of an RPG table does indicate that the DM's preferences ARE more important than the preferences of a SINGLE player (a group of people can go down one player and continue to run a game just fine; it is much more difficult to go down one DM and continue to run a game) though the DM still can't buck from the group (a group that doesn't want to do what their DM wants to do will result in a table with a DM and no players - you also can't run a game here).
Finally, I think those who say "what an individual player wants matters MOST" are simply wrong on facts. As noted above, if the DM walks away, you don't have a game. If the group except the DM walks away, you don't have a game. If one player walks away, you probably do have a game.
Based on that reality, I think the real answer to this question is as follows:
In other words, when a player attempts to appeal a DM's decision to the group, it is usually a no-win situation for everyone involved (ironically, including the player making the appeal), which is why there is a strong negative reaction to the player that wants to insist he be allowed to do something that the DM has prohibited. The player, who usually doesn't get the answer they want, by the way, also has a strong negative reaction to being denied.
We're kind of seeing the above dynamic being played out in this thread, with strong negative reactions by both sides.
Now, the following is an observation, not an attempt to prove my point (because using this to attempt to prove my point would be an Appeal to Authority fallacy): I've been playing (and DM'ing) for about 40 years now, and have seen many players and DMs disagree about whether or not to allow certain things. In most situations, this ended one of five ways:
So based on the anecdotal evidence I have seen, I would suggest that you can certainly ask a DM "can I do this thing" and if he doesn't have a real problem with it, there's generally no issue. However, if you find yourself at odds with a DM who tells you, "no, you can't do that" the outcomes are as follows:
Based on the possible final outcomes that bubble out of the above choices, it seems to me that unless you are in a truly remarkable situation (as mentioned above, an example would be a group of very experienced players where everyone takes it in turn to DM for a month or so making the DM role a shared responsibility) the best course of action for the long term health of the campaign as a player is to humbly accept the ruling and move on, and the best course of action for the long term health of the campaign as a DM to take is to stand your ground and refuse the player's request - as every time I've seen something else tried over the past 40 years and over a dozen gaming groups (not just D&D but multiple TTRPGs), it has always led to the quick death of the campaign at hand and often resulted in bad feelings among the players - just a negative experience all around.
(Again, if you don't really have a problem with the request, don't stand your ground as a DM just to be ornery or out of a need to assert your authority or to "be right", but if you feel you have a good reason to deny a request (mechanically, world lore, etc.), stick to your guns as if you don't stick to your guns, the campaign will almost certainly end quickly and may result in bad feelings among the players. If you do stick to your guns, the campaign will have the "normal" chance of continuing or ending quickly (some really good campaigns die quickly - campaign length is not indicative of quality), and you may lose a player - and that player may have bad feelings - but the rest of the table will probably not be negatively affected.)
Similarly, the tone of replies in favor of "the DM should be allowed to say 'no'" seems to come from a place of "the DM does the most work" or "the DM is providing the scarce commodity" and therefore "the DM is always right" and also "I want to DM a game in X manner, if I can't DM in that manner that's rude to me." The common thread here is that it's a DM saying, "what I want matters!" Of course what the DM wants matters!
There's a third set of replies that look at the group dynamic and say, "the group has agreed to X" and "what the group wants matters!" Well, if what each player wants matters and what the DM wants matters, of COURSE what the group wants matters!
To some degree, all three are correct, and all are reasonable statements.
- What an individual player (usually "me") wants matters.
- What a DM (usually "me") wants matters.
- What a group wants matters.
- What an individual player (usually "me") wants matters MOST.
- What a DM (usually "me") wants matters MOST.
- What a group wants matters MOST.
Those who will say "what a DM wants matters MOST" may be able to call upon justification they think is reasonable - for example, they might speak to the "economics" of the DM offering the scarce commodity, point out that the DM doing the most work so their opinion should carry the most weight, etc. But when trying to undercut these arguments, for example, arguing that a player can assist with creating backstory to take the load off the DM, that is true, this is not really addressing the fundamental issue - the belief that "what a DM wants matters MOST." I do happen to think that taking an honest look at group dynamics of an RPG table does indicate that the DM's preferences ARE more important than the preferences of a SINGLE player (a group of people can go down one player and continue to run a game just fine; it is much more difficult to go down one DM and continue to run a game) though the DM still can't buck from the group (a group that doesn't want to do what their DM wants to do will result in a table with a DM and no players - you also can't run a game here).
Finally, I think those who say "what an individual player wants matters MOST" are simply wrong on facts. As noted above, if the DM walks away, you don't have a game. If the group except the DM walks away, you don't have a game. If one player walks away, you probably do have a game.
Based on that reality, I think the real answer to this question is as follows:
- What the group wants is the most important thing and must be satisfied or there will be no game.
- What the DM wants is the second-most important thing and must be satisfied or there will be no game.
- What an individual player wants is important, but is LESS important than what the group wants and is less important than what the DM wants because if the player is not satisfied, you can still have a game.
In other words, when a player attempts to appeal a DM's decision to the group, it is usually a no-win situation for everyone involved (ironically, including the player making the appeal), which is why there is a strong negative reaction to the player that wants to insist he be allowed to do something that the DM has prohibited. The player, who usually doesn't get the answer they want, by the way, also has a strong negative reaction to being denied.
We're kind of seeing the above dynamic being played out in this thread, with strong negative reactions by both sides.
Now, the following is an observation, not an attempt to prove my point (because using this to attempt to prove my point would be an Appeal to Authority fallacy): I've been playing (and DM'ing) for about 40 years now, and have seen many players and DMs disagree about whether or not to allow certain things. In most situations, this ended one of five ways:
- The DM didn't really have a problem with the player's request. There was no real conflict here and the player was allowed to do what they wanted. Sometimes the campaigns went well, sometimes they didn't, but I didn't see any issues specific to the request since there was no real conflict.
- The player backed down and let the DM's word be final. I have seen this happen many times and in each case, the group dynamic was not strained, and the campaign went on and all had a good time, including the player whose request was denied.
- The DM had a problem with the request but backed down and let the player do what they wanted anyway without an appeal to the group. In every case it turned out that player had a severe case of "main character syndrome" and quickly alienated the rest of the players - the campaigns dissolved within a few sessions and everyone else (DM, other players) were resentful toward that player and did not invite the player back for future campaigns.
- The DM had a problem with the request and did not back down but the player appealed to the group and won. In most cases, it turned out the player had a case of "main character syndrome" that alienated the rest of the players, but in every case, the campaigns dissolved within a few sessions as the DM either was not enthusiastic about running the game or became adversarial (since most dissolved before it could be determined whether the player had "main character syndrome" I can't say that "main character syndrome" was always the problem). Everyone left with a bad taste in their mouths.
- The player did not back down, appealed to the group and lost. The player left the group soon after, but the campaign chugged along just fine without the player.
So based on the anecdotal evidence I have seen, I would suggest that you can certainly ask a DM "can I do this thing" and if he doesn't have a real problem with it, there's generally no issue. However, if you find yourself at odds with a DM who tells you, "no, you can't do that" the outcomes are as follows:
- Humbly accept the ruling and continue in the game. You are very likely to have a good time anyway.
- Insist you be allowed to do it anyway, appealing to the group if necessary. You will soon have no campaign (either the campaign will fold or you will appeal, lose, and be asked to leave the group) and also run the risk of alienating most of the people at the table.
Based on the possible final outcomes that bubble out of the above choices, it seems to me that unless you are in a truly remarkable situation (as mentioned above, an example would be a group of very experienced players where everyone takes it in turn to DM for a month or so making the DM role a shared responsibility) the best course of action for the long term health of the campaign as a player is to humbly accept the ruling and move on, and the best course of action for the long term health of the campaign as a DM to take is to stand your ground and refuse the player's request - as every time I've seen something else tried over the past 40 years and over a dozen gaming groups (not just D&D but multiple TTRPGs), it has always led to the quick death of the campaign at hand and often resulted in bad feelings among the players - just a negative experience all around.
(Again, if you don't really have a problem with the request, don't stand your ground as a DM just to be ornery or out of a need to assert your authority or to "be right", but if you feel you have a good reason to deny a request (mechanically, world lore, etc.), stick to your guns as if you don't stick to your guns, the campaign will almost certainly end quickly and may result in bad feelings among the players. If you do stick to your guns, the campaign will have the "normal" chance of continuing or ending quickly (some really good campaigns die quickly - campaign length is not indicative of quality), and you may lose a player - and that player may have bad feelings - but the rest of the table will probably not be negatively affected.)
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