Wow, where do I start?
I have been fighting depression for as long as I can remember. It was bad in High School, but those were the 80s and the concept of clinical depression didn't exist yet. As of 5 to 6 years ago the depression got so bad due to isolation and no job that I started have psychotic auditory hallucinations. I nearly went mad. (No I'm not kidding.)
Only the help of a friend kept me in the real world. Yet, I still didn't seek professional help for my depression. I inisited fighting it by myself. I refused to believe that medication would improve my life. I threw myself into school again and went at a break-neck pace. Trying everything to keep my mind occupied so it wouldn't stray back into madness.
Now, I should also mention that I have wrecked both my ankles through silly accidents that involved stairs and uneven footing. In high school I stepped off a porch step and twisted my right ankle to 90 degrees, which snapped a minor non-weight * bone. The doctor refused to put me in a cast, as he said I was too fat for one. Later, during the 90s I wrecked my left ankle in a similar fashion steppign down onto a uneven floor in a basement. My ankles have been my Achilles Heel ever since. (I need special orthopedic inserts for my shoes **.)
A lot of my ankle instability also comes the car accident I was involved in in January of 99. I was struck as a pedestrian crossing the street. (Yes, I had the right of way. No, I didn't receive any money and I don't want to talk about it.) The impact was at a braking speed so it wasn't as bad as it could have been if the car had been accelerating. I was simply struck, rolled over the hood of the car, and landed on the cold, snow-covered ground. Nothing broke, but my left knee is now totally screwed up. (For the first 3 to 6 months, I was able to bend my knee in the wrong direction.)
Now, before the accident I had just worked my way through the first semester of college while dealing with a blood clot in my leg. The day of the car accident was the first day that I tried to walk to school under my own power. Up until then I had been getting a ride each day. (The time I spent in the hospital, after being diagnosed with the blood clot, was capped off by the old, senile man in the bed next to me getting up in the middle of the night and peeing on me because he'd forgot where the bathroom was. He peeed right on my arm where the IV was, BTW. I left the hospital that night in a fit of rage.)
Oh yes, around three months after the accident, I was in a vehicle (At The Exact Same Intersection) with my friend and some nut job ran the red ligh and slammed his car into our vehicle (Right Where I Was Sitting). The door bucled in but didn't give completely, as the other driver had braked and swerved enough to not hit us directly at full-speed. I was able to pull myself out, but the accident set back my recovery from the first accident. (Yet, nothing was broken and, at the time, pain was minor.)
now, the next few years were filled with chiropractic and pysiotherapy and a lot of angony. For a while I was living on Codine-strength Tylenol and struggled to try and stay in school. Eventually the pain and misery took its toil and I subcumbed to bouts of severe depression again, which made me turn my back on school. I tried working, but the pain was too severe.
Then a few years ago, in a fit of sorrow, I hurt myself on purpose. When I regained my senses, I failed to realize how much damage I had done to myself. I struggled with my job, friends, family, and my will to live. I slowly subcumbed to the madness again ***, This time it was me (with help from my family) that saved myself before it was too late. I put myself into a doctor's care and went on the medication I needed.
Now, over the last year, I have slowly regain my "self" and a love for life. I no longer sucumb to the ideation of death, although my depression remains a battle every day. I have found a caring doctor and an excellent physiotherapy staff that I trust. I have worked towards increasing my strength. I've modified my diet so that my fat intake is a lot less (skim milk is my friend). I've given up pop and any drink with caffeine. (I'm still a chocolate fiend, however #.)
I have found a place where people with physical disability issues can go and exercise for a minimum fee. It has helped me increase my overall health 10 fold. (I did push a little too hard recently and hurt myself pretty bad. I've been doing a less intense workout, but I think I need to get my doctor's professional opinion on the damage.)
So, all I can say is that I've had a lot of difficulties over the last five years, yet I have not given up and have hope for the future. I feel fortunate that life has let me come this far and anything after this is gravy. (Life is still hard, but it's not impossible ##.)
I have a plan now, I am going to be a writer and already am. I have done work for
Silverthorne Games and did work for
Dark Portal Games before it went bye-bye. I've worked with great people such as Darrin Drader, Patric Rogers, Tony Bounds, Ian Johnston, Chris Sims, and Bruce Tillotson.
Now, I want to go back to school and take the courses that REALLY want to take and not the courses that I thought I HAD to take. Life is moving forward.
Peace and long life,
Robert Blezard
A.K.A. Knightfall1972
Edmonton, Alberta
Canada
rblezard@telusplanet.net
The Crossroads (In Need of a Facelift)
http://www.geocities.com/rielun/
My Blog (Read with Caution)
http://knightfall1972.blogspot.com/
* That is what the doctor called it. Non-weight bone, my buttocks!
** I also have extremely wide, yet short feet with an extremely exaggerated arch.
*** I literally didn't know whether I was alive or dead. I began to doubt reality. Very, very scary.
# Both my parents and one relative on each side of the family has developed type 2 diabetes, so I might have to give up even more eventually.
## I still have my bad days just like everybody else, but now I write to get out most of my frustrations.
).
