What It's Like For a Gamer Girl

[d20Dwarf]

Let me be clear that I am in no way approving of the male way of acting.

The rest of your post was good, leeann, but I thought this needed a reply, even though I think you didn't mean it the way it sounds.

It's not up to women to approve of the "male way of acting" any more than you guys want us to approve of the way you act.

 

[Nifft]

Disclaimer: I'm a male.

IMHO the issue is gaming with jerks not gaming with men. There are plenty of jerks out there, and many of them are men.

I suggest you sample another group or two, and hopefully you'll gain a better picture of who you want to game with.

-- Nifft

 

[leeann_the_lame]

Ok then : The argumentative way of acting commonly found amoung groups of groups of geeks.

Although I did state above that if I found a stereotype useful, I wouldn't hesitate to use it.

 

[physicscarp]

One of the groups was a group of very immature guys who didn't want me to play because they (THEY not GUYS IN GENERAL) thought I would be intruding upon their "guy" time. My boyfriend at the time, was the DM of this group and that was what he told me. His gaming friends were always very rude to me, not "one of the guys" kind of rude, but [insert derogatory term for women here] kind of rude. It wasn't treating me as "one of the guys".

But what the guys in that group were was 1. immature and not used to women being around . And also

I've skimmed over a lot of this thread, but this portion of Djeta's post caught my attention, because I've been in this situation before. I will be the first to admit that on Friday night, when I go to my friend's house to game, we are primarily getting together to spend time hanging out. Gaming is what we do to hang out, and we always focus our energy on that, but Friday is the guy's night out, where we can take a break from every other aspect of our lives and spend some time together having fun. Friday is definitely off limits to any female players, not because we game, but because it's Friday. We actually like and get along with all of the girlfriends and wives, and do other things with them, so my case is slightly different. On Sunday's though, I go play with a different group of people, still have fun, and we have a female palyer. No problems. If we started playing another game on Thursday nights, nobody (including the Friday night group) would care if female gamers joined.

Now, as for Djeta's experience, she claims the guy's involved were

1. immature and not used to being around women
Could be. You know them better than I do, so I'll take your word for it. It's uncalled for, and is severly going to hinder them in the future. Take some small consolation in that.

2. Jealous that I was "stealing" their DM away most of the time and angry that I had dared infringe upon their last guys only thing.
Well, this is the heart of the problem. These guys are friends and occasionally want to spend time together sans anyone else. And I do mean anyone (family, girlfriends, pets, coworkers, the Pope, etc.) If this gaming time was the only time they got to do that, and your decision to play interfered with that, I believe they have a right to be upset. Imagine trying to spend a romantic evening with your spouse and having your gaming buddies showing up at the door. In this case, you'd have every right to be jealous as well.

3. Angry that the guy dared ask if I could play.
Here we have their reaction to what they perceived as an intrusion. Anger is quite excessive. I'd prefer a polite, "Hey, this is guy's night isn't it?" Their response suggests that they were immature.

Is this a common occurence for other groups? How many gaming groups are guy's/girl's night out groups? And is this okay in other people's eyes? I like my guys night and I wouldn't trade it for anything because these are my friends. But I also like Sunday nights and the different experiences that I get to have there.

Carp

 

[Wicht]

It's not up to women to approve of the "male way of acting" any more than you guys want us to approve of the way you act.

I must agree. Part of the problem IMO is that too many from both sides of the aisle, male and female, look on their way of thinking as the "right" way. When it is really not a matter of right or wrong, its merely a matter of certain biological behavioral traits. It does not require approval so much as acceptance. And thats not saying that men or women should have a license for rudeness or bad behavior.

The key to quality communication between males and females (and this is what most of my fellow posters have already been saying on this thread) is to recognize that men and women think and interact differently. When this is recognized, the mature individual, when interacting with the opposite sex, can adjust accordingly.

originally posted by Kahuna Burger
The only problem with this theory is that there an assumption (underlying most of your responses, IMHO) that in the social sphere its the women who have to adjust their behaviour to be one of the guys. Men only need to read the book to "handle" that special woman or two in their lives, but women need to learn how to act the right way to get into society.

In any group, it behooves the most mature person to adapt the most to (not necessarily conform but learn to deal with) the others in the group . This is, after all, part of the mark of maturity. IMO those who have been giving Afrodyte advice to the effect of "learn to cope better with the male attitude" are in fact treating her as being more mature than those she games with. This is thus, in effect, a compliment. This is not to say however that it is right for those in her gaming group to act as they do. They obviously have problems with dealing with the feminine mindset and should act better. But as they have not posted to this thread (that we know of anyway), it is easier to give Afrodyte advice on coping then it is to give them advice.

 

[ColonelHardisson]

snipped brilliant bit of found irony

Where is an applause smiley when ya need it?

 

[Kahuna Burger]

It's classic that Kahuna Burger cannot see *any* interaction outside of emotional responses. Talk about perpetuating stereotypes.

Not what I said, but thats to be expected (from you, not from men or geeks). Actually the point is that emotions underlie just about any personal interaction including the one you just made to me. Not that every response is "emotional" because that indicates a seperation of emotions that doesn't exist, no matter how much some would like to pretend it can. A better way to look at it would be that I don't see any social interactions outside of the context of them being social interactions. Terrible I know, very foolish...

Kahuna burger

 

[Wicht]

Not that every response is "emotional" because that indicates a seperation of emotions that doesn't exist, no matter how much some would like to pretend it can.

You lost me there. Want to elaborate, rephrase, make it clearer? Are you saying there are certain emotions that don't exist or that emotions cannot be seperated one from another.

By the by, for what it is worth, from your previous post, not all men respond with outbursts of anger when confronted with problems. Laughter tends to be my preferred emotional response.

 

[Kahuna Burger]

nothing but quotes apparently meant to be either amusing, insulting or both

When I read through the first three pages, there was not one post suggesting that "male" behaviour was anything but the way gaming groups should be. Even the female posters basicly came down to "I like gaming, so I just act like a guy". "Took it like a man" was used to indicate propper good gamer behaviour. I commented on it. If you think of the facts of this discussion so far as condescending, you have a problem with the unified front of the discussion, not me.

Interestingly, a couple of counterpoints were raised while I was in the middle of my (very long) post, but prior to that the only two viewpoints raised were "guys aren't like that" and "Guys are like that and its GOOD, you whining pansy" (Hi Billy)

Sorry to actually point out the climate that this discussion is taking place in. I've been an outsider to guythink and girlthink my whole life, and I will point out the dynamics that are happening. A psych background didn't help the tendancy to analyse human behaviour.

Kahuna burger

 

[Wicht]

I've been an outsider to guythink and girlthink my whole life, and I will point out the dynamics that are happening.

I am curious as to in what way do you consider yourself an outsider? Are you saying you do not think like a girl thinks or you just do not believe in the tendency for guys and girls to think differently?