What It's Like For a Gamer Girl

[Buttercup]

I'd be afraid that if you came into my group, you'd be expecting me to be all confrontational and patronizing and stuff, since I've got external plumbing.

You have such a way with words.

 

[Teflon Billy]

Speaking from someone that goes to a catholic school... those uniforms are completely unnatractive. The jumpers are butt ugly and there's nothing "mini" about those skirts the school requires them to wear to their shin. Japanese schoolgirl uniform is where it's at!

Well, tastes differ I guess

 

[Celtavian]

The following are just observations and a bit of opinion. I am in no way convinced I'm right. It's completely subjective, and I'm not accusing every male gamer of all the behaviors here. I admit that some male gamers get along with me swimmingly, and they don't have to be gay or transsexual to do it. I just want to give you my perspective and come to some sort of consensus on these experiences. The things I'm about to say may just be part of a large string of coincidences, but if it's part of a larger problem, it'll help me deal with things better.

The only real answer to this question is that "we're guys, its how many of us are used to acting with each other."

Without further ado, here are a few questions I have when it comes to my interactions with male gamers:

[whine/rant/honest emotional expression]

1. Why is it that male gamers are often so condescending? If I ask a question, why does it seem like they think I am completely ignorant? Whether they know the answer or don't even understand the question, why is it that I often get the answer I'd say was reserved for (to put it politely) the lowest common denominator?

PC Answer: Insecure guy. He is uncomfortable and perhaps offended by the presence of the female gamer. If its a DM, he is probably threatened by all the attention you will receive from the other gamers.

Non-PC answer: He's a dick.

2. Why is it that when I'm cranky or touchy, I'm suddenly thrust into the position of being a representative of all female gamers instead of just having that kind of day? Or, if they see me always losing patience with them, they never seem to question themselves or reflect on why I get irksome. A very exaggerated example. Say that every time I meet Bob, he throws a rock in my face. Bob often laughs it off and says he's kidding, but that doesn't negate the fact that I don't like having rocks thrown in my face. Then, one day, I get tired of it, and every time Bob throws a rock at me, I pick up a stick and whack him with it. Now, rather than ask, "What did I do to deserve that?" Bob asks, "Why are you so unreasonable (or some variation thereof)?" Then, on the off day he doesn't throw a rock in my face, he jests (sorta), "Are you gonna hit me with the stick?" Or worse yet, just labels me as neurotic or irrational and goes about his business.

Guy prejudice against females. Probably thinks that by passing off your dislike of his behavior as female neurosis, he can make it seem like he did nothing wrong to his fellow male gamers. Then they can all laugh at you and make you feel even more uncomfortable possibly causing you to leave. Common trick.

3. How come guys often state their opinions as facts, and their requests as demands? Now, I would concur that this is probably less a male-female interaction thing than varying definitions of what it means to be tactful. However, when I'm communicating, guys often mistake my saying, "I feel that..." for "It is an indisputable fact that..." What's worse, I often feel like they expect me to be more conscientious regarding their feelings than they are of mine. Why is it that so many guys think that saying, "Please don't do (whatever it was I did to upset them) again" is completely reasonable, but my saying, "Listen, John, when you do/say XYZ, it makes me think you believe I'm (insert unflattering adjective here)" is me being hypersensitive?

This comes down to breeding and testosterone. Men are taught to be competitive and they are testosterone driven. If they are young men, they will often spend time debating one another for no other reason than to compete. Words, games, work, etc, etc, we are bred to compete. Even guys that seem nice engage in this kind of competition. Its a combination of the male nature and socialization.

Don't take it too seriously. Once a debate is over, win or lose, the guy will most likely forget about it and move on to something else. He won't care that you agreed or disagreed with him, he just wanted to debate at the time. Most of the time, if you blow it off, so will the guy.

4. Must guys have an opinion for eeeeeverything? Is every statement up for debate? Why is it that guys often take a difference of opinion or preference as an opportunity to convert me to their way of seeing things? It doesn't matter what it is. Why do they always try to win, even if there's nothing to win in the first place? Or, whenever I disagree with them, they try to undermine my thoughts and feelings rather than the issue at hand. There is no quicker way to feel sub-human than to have your capacity for conscience, feeling, and rational thought questioned at every turn. When I express some variation of this, do I get, "I see where you're coming from. My bad"? Nope. I get, "You shouldn't feel that way."

See answer to number 3.

What's so infuriating about all this is that so much could be nipped at the bud by applying a little bit of forethought and a little bit of awareness that people are different but still deserving of the same respect. What's doubly aggravating is that I try to extend this courtesy to everyone I meet, but it is often not recognized as courtesy, and that same consideration is often not reciprocated. I'm getting very tired of that, and I'm starting to let people know. Unfortunately, I don't get it right all the time, and this causes people to think I'm some sort of lunatic or some cold, heartless b****.

[/whine/rant/honest emotional expression]

I think I'll stop here because to burden you with more of my inner life would be boorish. Thanks for listening.

Don't take any of it too seriously. Really, just blow it off. To the majority of guys, debating and wisecracks are just a form of social interaction. Same way girls socialize a certain way as well.

Men are used to arguing and talking about "important" subjects. They like to convert to their way of thinking as a battle using words for dominance.

The best way to deal with such things is to ignore the male until he shuts up. Tell him directly, none of this "I feel..." or "I think..." stuff. Just say I don't like this form of behavior, and please discontinue it in my presence, or just ignore it until they shut up.

I also recommend that you occasionally throw a tantrum or shoot wisecracks back at the guy. Don't cry, it makes you look very bad to males. You'll get sympathy, but not respect. If they are really bothering you, get real pissed off and start yelling at the offending male asking him if he wants to fight. (If he tries to fight you, he'll look stupid. No one looks tough hitting girls.)

This is all coming from a male who has dealt with and continues to deal with the situations you listed often, and is sometimes the culprit initiating them. Its common male behavior. All males do it to one degree or another and in one form or another. The situations improve with maturity as we gain control over our testosterone which can negatively affect our moods and behavior. I liken it to two male rams butting horns for no other reason than it feels good to do so. Just in the civilized world of man, we use words.

 

[MGibster]

Whether they know the answer or don't even understand the question, why is it that I often get the answer I'd say was reserved for (to put it politely) the lowest common denominator?

They might assume you're new to gaming or to that game. Therefore they tend to answer the question in as simple terms as possible. Teaching someone a new game from scratch isn't that easy for most people.

2. Why is it that when I'm cranky or touchy, I'm suddenly thrust into the position of being a representative of all female gamers instead of just having that kind of day?

That might just be you're personal hang up. The worst gamer I ever played with was female and she was a real bitch on wheels. I never took her to be a representative of all women in gaming.

3. How come guys often state their opinions as facts, and their requests as demands? Now, I would concur that this is probably less a male-female interaction thing than varying definitions of what it means to be tactful.

Because we males aren't taught to show deference we're taught to be aggressive. If I say I like something a friend of mine might say it sucks. Guys don't generally take it personally. Of course I don't make request in the form of demands. On the other hand maybe they just sound like demands to you and not the other guys. I don't know.

"Please don't do (whatever it was I did to upset them) again" is completely reasonable, but my saying, "Listen, John, when you do/say XYZ, it makes me think you believe I'm (insert unflattering adjective here)" is me being hypersensitive?

Which makes you appear kind of weak to a group of all males. I'm not saying it is right or fair but that's the ins and outs.

4. Must guys have an opinion for eeeeeverything? Is every statement up for debate? Why is it that guys often take a difference of opinion or preference as an opportunity to convert me to their way of seeing things?

We're taught to be aggressive not passive which means we're not afraid of disagreement and typically don't even consider if it hurts someone's feelings. Especially when it comes to trivial stuff like favorite games, movies, or foods.

Marc

 

[S'mon]

Re: Re: Re: What It's Like For a Gamer Girl

I can't decide if I'm socially awkaward, a jerk, or a socially awkward jerk; becasue virtually all of these statements apply to me.

I get the impression you're a very well-socialised jerk, Billy.

 

[Celtavian]

Human beings are fundamentally insane.

This is a bumper sticker right here. ROFL.

 

[Teflon Billy]

Re: Re: Re: Re: What It's Like For a Gamer Girl

I get the impression you're a very well-socialised jerk, Billy.

Oh, now you're just beng hurtful

 

[Pielorinho]

Well, you've got that Long red hair and that pale milky complexion...

Throw on a catholic schoolgirl outfit and you'll get your hug

Okay, you win.

Daniel

 

[Buttercup]

2. Why is it that when I'm cranky or touchy, I'm suddenly thrust into the position of being a representative of all female gamers instead of just having that kind of day?

I don't know why, but this part didn't really register when I replied last night. IMO, if a person is so cranky or touchy that it's going to cause problems, they should stay home. PMS really isn't an excuse for bad behavior, just like "external plumbing" isn't an excuse for bad behavior. As DM, I have little patience for pouting and crankiness. Heck, forget the gaming table. I don't have patience for it in any venue. We all have problems, you know? Suck it up and move on. Life is to short to waste on whining.

 

[Wicht]

Okay, you win.

Daniel

fanfare

And there you have it folks.


Proof positive that though the male of the species is aggressive and argumentative, he will still admit defeat.