What's wrong with me?

[MavrickWeirdo]

Other than offering to attend counciling with her, which I do suggest, it's probably over. You can talk with her, find out what's wrong, and hopefully you can part amicably at the very least.

As for you, maybe find a roomie, or a smaller place. It will help you financialy, as well as keep you from being alone. You have friends here, but I'm fairly sure you have friends our in the real world as well. Spent time with them. It realy does help.

Stay away from alcohol, drugs, or all that other stuff that's easy to fall into when people get depressed. Keep yourself up, and enjoy.

(And join Living Eberron if you have time )

The only "addiction" I fall into when depressed is ENWorld.

 

[Old One]

MW -

I went through this a little over a decade ago in my early 30s with my first marriage. I won't sugar-coat it for you...it blows.

Self-doubt, self-recrimination and all the "woulda, shoulda, coulda" is enough to drive a man insane. One major blessing (although it may not seem like it right now) is no kids.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh (since it isn't meant to), but you basically have 2 paths to take here:

(1) Wallow in self-pity and self-doubt while spiral into a pattern of bad relationships for all the wrong reasons (which I did for about 6 months).

OR

(2) Really take the opportunity to work on YOU. I took the opportunity to learn and grow personally. Developed new friends and interests, got back in shape, changed careers into a field I love (and make far more money in). It does take time and effort, but it really is an opportunity to affect change in your life. I did see a counselor for about a year and found that enormously helpful in getting things back on track (or down a new track, as it were).

Circling back around to your initial question. If she says "It's Over"...take her at her word. Don't spend time and emotional energy throwing yourself against an immovable object. My experience is that produces nothing but false hopes and even worse eventual heartache.

I feel for you, my friend...this isn't easy...and your ENWorld brothers (and sisters) are here for you.

Best,

~ OO

 

[Umbran]

So should I take the hint? Should I keep looking for a way to make it work? Should I admit I failed?

Yes. No. No.

I think this is kind of important: The relationship failed, but that does not imply personal failure on your part. Or even on hers. Humans are complicated beasts, and sometimes people can't be kept together even if both parties try in good faith to make things work. It is not a failure if you cannot wedge yourselves through what has become fundamental incompatability.

Much as you may hate living alone, jumping into something new and as deep as cohabitation may not be the right thing. Lo9nely as it may be, having time to breathe and absorb what has happened is important.

 

[MavrickWeirdo]

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh (since it isn't meant to), but you basically have 2 paths to take here:

(1) Wallow in self-pity and self-doubt while spiral into a pattern of bad relationships for all the wrong reasons (which I did for about 6 months).

OR

(2) Really take the opportunity to work on YOU. I took the opportunity to learn and grow personally. Developed new friends and interests, got back in shape, changed careers into a field I love (and make far more money in). It does take time and effort, but it really is an opportunity to affect change in your life. I did see a counselor for about a year and found that enormously helpful in getting things back on track (or down a new track, as it were).

I feel for you, my friend...this isn't easy...and your ENWorld brothers (and sisters) are here for you.

Best,

~ OO

That Wallowing option sounds pretty tempting :\

 

[sniffles]

That Wallowing option sounds pretty tempting :\

There's nothing wrong with wallowing in self-pity for a little while. It's a form of grieving, and it's okay to let yourself grieve. But don't let it take over your life, and don't let it go on too long. If you find that you just can't seem to pull yourself out of this slump, look for some help. A support group, family counseling, therapy - whatever it takes.

There's nothing wrong with being solo. You do not need another person to make yourself complete. If you are complete on your own you're actually much more attractive to another person. Keep telling yourself that you will find someone or something else to occupy that void. Be patient. You will find what you need when you least expect it.

 

[MavrickWeirdo]

Ok I admit it, I am actually doing this path.

(2) Really take the opportunity to work on YOU. I took the opportunity to learn and grow personally. Developed new friends and interests

I may have found a gaming group, and I have gotten back into Filking (There just happened to be a Filk Convention a mile and a half from my house last month, so I went.) I have also been visiting my family more.

got back in shape

fixed my bycycle up this past weekend, did 8 miles.

changed careers into a field I love (and make far more money in).

I was promoted into the Software Quality Assurance Team at my work in March (for more money).

see a counselor

I have been goling to counciling every 2 weeks for a while now

In fact, other that 1 tiny little 10 year relationship, I am doing great. :\

 

[GeorgeFields]

Mav, GeoFFields mentions a book in the last post of his Kenzer thread - it may be worth checking out.

PirateCat, have you read it?

MV, I strongly suggest thisavbook. What I got from that book is the resaon I was able to handle my situation the way I did. If you choose not to read it, that is OK, too. The decision is yours. Choose who you want to be and be that person. No one can stop you from being that person except you.

Hail & Peace

 

[Steve Jung]

Unfortunately Mav, if your wife says she's not coming back, then her mind is made up. You didn't fail. Things just got to a point. I'm really sorry for you. Sounds like you're going out and being with other people. It's good to keep busy so you don't dwell on things.

 

[Ferret]

Yeah, man you didn't fail. Somethings just end, what makes you stong is being able to (eventually, and thats the key point) get past it. Take you time on it.

 

[Rel]

Mav, I really don't know if your relationship with your wife stands any sort of chance. But I think it stands much more of a chance if you're not trying to force it out of desperation.

Take the advice of Old One and others about NOT focusing on her and focusing on you. If you can get past this patch of misery and get ok with yourself, you'll be much better off. At that point if she DOES decide that she wants to give things another go, you can make a much more level headed decision about whether that's what you want too.

And if that never happens, you'll still be ok.