What's wrong with me?

[MavrickWeirdo]

Dude! Get off my leg! Ohhhhh, geez....

Seriously, there are two stages to a typical relationship.

The first is romantic love, or "They are more important than I am." This stage usually lasts a few weeks to a few years.

The second is "the honeymoon is over" stage, when romantic love fades. This is characterized by "I am more important than they are."

You really want to marry a person who you genuinely get along well with, because after the first stage ends, you still need to be around them. That goes for them too, of course. A few couples find an equilibrium between the two, and rarely couples maintain the first stage for their entire marriage, but I find this model an interesting way of evaluating my thought processes when I make a decision: if I know that KidCthulhu hates it if I leave dishes in the sink, but I really don't want to do dishes, what message is that sending?

But how do you get to "We are equally important" from there?

 

[Harmon]

The first is romantic love, or "They are more important than I am." This stage usually lasts a few weeks to a few years.

The second is "the honeymoon is over" stage, when romantic love fades. This is characterized by "I am more important than they are."

Something that hasn't been touched on here- love is hard word. People go into relationships working hard, then they settle into a life and they expect to glide through. You have to work, both of you have to work, and work hard to keep that closeness, that love, that communication open, if you don't then you are doomed to fail.

I know everyone here has seen it, then had their own relationship fail and wonder why. Someone was not working at it.

There are periods were you can relax, kick back and glide through, but for the most part- work, and work 24/7. Make sure your SO works too.

My wife and I have a question we ask each other about every month- "are we okay?" Which is a thing we ask to insure that something hasn't gone wrong, its an open invitation to discuss what needs to be looked at, and what needs work. After eleven years of marriage, more then twenty years together as friends, and otherwise, it works for us.

 

[DreadPirateMurphy]

When is it our turn?

MW, just wanted to highlight this question. You may be self-aware enough to get this already...but you hear this same question ALL THE TIME from people going through problems big and small.

The answer is...never. People don't take turns. We're not waiting in some kind of queue for happiness, and there isn't some limited supply that gets rationed out somewhere. Nobody is entitled to be happy. That is good, because life would get pretty dull, otherwise. Tom Jefferson got it right when he referred to the "pursuit of happiness."

Happiness is something you choose for yourself. That sounds really lame to say it so simply because choosing to be happy is really, really hard. It is so hard that most people can't. They look for external influences to make them happy -- material goods, or religion, or "that special someone." You can be a millionaire with a caring wife and strong faith and still be unhappy if you don't choose the alternative.

I always liked The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. It is not a religious book so much as an examination (with the aid of a psychologist) of how and why people are happy. I highly recommend it.

 

[Rel]

MW, just wanted to highlight this question. You may be self-aware enough to get this already...but you hear this same question ALL THE TIME from people going through problems big and small.

The answer is...never. People don't take turns. We're not waiting in some kind of queue for happiness, and there isn't some limited supply that gets rationed out somewhere. Nobody is entitled to be happy. That is good, because life would get pretty dull, otherwise. Tom Jefferson got it right when he referred to the "pursuit of happiness."

Happiness is something you choose for yourself. That sounds really lame to say it so simply because choosing to be happy is really, really hard. It is so hard that most people can't. They look for external influences to make them happy -- material goods, or religion, or "that special someone." You can be a millionaire with a caring wife and strong faith and still be unhappy if you don't choose the alternative.

I always liked The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. It is not a religious book so much as an examination (with the aid of a psychologist) of how and why people are happy. I highly recommend it.

Rep++

 

[Aaron L]

Im sorry. The closest I ever got to a wife was dancing with a girl and panicking when she wanted to kiss me. Most beautiful 5 foot 95 pound little elf of a girl you could ever imagine, too. She got a boyfriend 2 weeks later.

Damn Im sorry and I hope things get better for you.

God I just need to stop posting.

 

[Bront]

appiness is something you choose for yourself. That sounds really lame to say it so simply because choosing to be happy is really, really hard. It is so hard that most people can't. They look for external influences to make them happy -- material goods, or religion, or "that special someone." You can be a millionaire with a caring wife and strong faith and still be unhappy if you don't choose the alternative.

Quoted for truth.

It's realy a mind over mater thing in most cases, and this coming from someone who's been diagnosed with a chemical imbalance that pushes me towards depression. I found I was happiest when I decided I wanted to be, and looked at the good things going on. Don't sweat the small stuff, and the big stuff, well, don't sweat it so much that it ruins the good things in life.

 

[MavrickWeirdo]

Im sorry. The closest I ever got to a wife was dancing with a girl and panicking when she wanted to kiss me. Most beautiful 5 foot 95 pound little elf of a girl you could ever imagine, too. She got a boyfriend 2 weeks later.

Damn Im sorry and I hope things get better for you.

God I just need to stop posting.

Thank you for posting, I don't see why you need to stop