What's wrong with me?

[Mycanid]

God bless you Mav ... it's always tough to let go. Even though the way it sounds in English sounds like a single moment decision (BOOM! and that's it) so much that we do, painful choices included, involve this first act of resolve and then choosing the same act again and again and again. It's always harder in the beginning.

But, as others have said, other things come up. More than that, those other things that do come up could never have come up if one did not go through the hard step-by-step stuff.

You know this though. We are all here to encourage you though!

 

[DreadPirateMurphy]

Maverick, I'm going to say something that may be slightly controversial. The fact of the matter is that you DID fail. The hard part is realizing that that is perfectly OK. It may be tragic, but in the long run it is through failing that we become stronger and learn from our mistakes.

There is also a profound difference between failing to save your marriage and being a "failure" in the general sense. Many, many people have a hard time accepting any change, never mind an unpleasant one. The key is that ultimately change opens up new opportunities to create new memories...hopefully ones that can rest beside your current good memories. Those are the ones that will seem the strongest over the long run if you work at it.

An unhappy relationship can be a special kind of hell. If one partner is unhappy, and the other truly cares, then they are both unhappy. That kind of unhappiness requires some kind of fundamental change to fix, and if therapy and soul-searching can't satisfy that requirement, then the relationship will end. It is a GOOD thing that the bad aspects of that relationship are over, despite the personal sense of loss involved.

Learn from your mistakes, and remember that there are millions of other people in the world looking to find somebody who will share their life...all of them on some sliding scale of "screwed up," looking for baggage that goes with theirs.

Having said that...I agree whole-heartedly that the best first step is to meet people in a general sense, not search for "the one," unless you happen to be Morpheus. You'll be surprised how many opportunities drop in your lap when you're first comfortable being by yourself.

 

[Sidekick]

Maverick I'm sorry to hear that your relationship didn't work out. Unfortunately these things do happen.

As the others have said, keep busy, and remember its not all your fault. Relationships are about TWO people, if it's not working for one. Then well its not working. You've said you don't have kids - be thankful. That always adds an extra dimension and issue to the breakup.

As for when to go fishing again. This may sounds wierd, but you can go fishing again when you don't feel lonely any more. Only once you are happy being you in your own company, and happy being single will you actually have left all your emotional baggage behind. Then, just when you are thinking 'Yeah this single thing is actually quite sweet'. THAT's when its time to go fishing.

Until then, it's all meaningless 1-nite stands and nights infront of the DVD

Hang in there dude. Kia Kaha <stay strong>

 

[Harmon]

One thing my wife and I talked about- should one of us pass, the other should wait about five years, that is not written in stone, we know that, should we find someone in a year then go for it, just make sure that your life is in order before you get back into the game and five years seems like a good amount of time.

I believe that every experience should teach us something, every relationship should end with something coming about. Have you learned anything from her? Do you know why you spent that time with her? And most importantly- can you take what you learned and move on?

None of those questions are meant to be answered, and most of them aren't worth considering, but its what I think we things end.

Take care, Mav hope things turn about for you (you too Mega).

 

[werk]

But how long should I wait before I go fishing again?

I'd say, wait until you are hungry for fish.

I went over a year after an emotionally hard break-up before I could even look at another fish...and we weren't married. (of course, she was fishing before I even got out of the boat! )

You don't have to be half of a couple in order to be a whole person.

Don't do anything because you think you are 'supposed to'. You are the best judge of what you need, listen to yourself...and ask a lot of questions.

 

[MavrickWeirdo]

I believe that every experience should teach us something, every relationship should end with something coming about. Have you learned anything from her? Do you know why you spent that time with her? And most importantly- can you take what you learned and move on?

Here is a rant I posted somewhere else (to a friend who seems to be having similar luck).

We care for someone. We just want them to be happy. We want the best for them. Then they tell us that “we” are not what is best for them. That they would be better with someone else; or even that they would be better off alone. How can we not be right for them when we care so much? How come no one cares about us the way we care about others? And then to make matters worse, those people that we cared for seem to find happiness shortly after they leave. What are we cosmic doormats, stepping stones for other peoples happiness? When is it our turn?

I thought I had it beat. After several years of relationships that did not last until Valentines Day, I finally found someone worth being with, worth caring for. We dated for a few months, and then moved in together. It took me 5 years to save up for the engagement ring she wanted. I think that the day I bought her the engagement ring may have been the happiest day of her life. Life went on, we had our issues (we had lots of them) but I thought we could work through them together. But she wasn’t happy.

At this point in my life I don’t begrudge the people who leave me finding happiness elsewhere (most of the time). I think I would mind more if they went off and screwed up their life, after all the time and energy I put into it. I like to think that they learned something from me that makes their finding happiness possible. And I hope that I learned from them whatever I needed to, so that the next time things will work.

 

[Piratecat]

We care for someone. We just want them to be happy. We want the best for them. Then they tell us that “we” are not what is best for them. That they would be better with someone else; or even that they would be better off alone. How can we not be right for them when we care so much? How come no one cares about us the way we care about others? And then to make matters worse, those people that we cared for seem to find happiness shortly after they leave. What are we cosmic doormats, stepping stones for other peoples happiness? When is it our turn?

We can't make people love us by loving them.

That's so important, I'll say it again. We can't make people love us by loving them. Nor can we make people love us by making ourselves lovable. People who do this, who try to conform their behaviors to match a mate, come across as desperate, pathetic and needy. It's saying "you are more important than I am" at a stage where the default should be "you're as important as I am."

The best we can do is love ourselves and be comfortable in our own bodies, either by bolstering our own self-respect or making ourselves into the people that we want to be. When we're proud of ourselves and our behaviors, that attitude sends a powerful message to other people; it says 'not only am I not insecure, you have no power to make me feel insecure.' Once you do that, once you love who you are, you become more lovable to other people.

It's a terrible burden to have someone love you far more than you love them. It makes you feel guilty and obligated, and it drives people apart. This is why crushes never work in the long run. This is why pining for someone who is slipping away will just drive them away faster, and why stepping back from a failing relationship may sometimes help salvage part of it.

Make yourself happy - and I think by rejoining the filk community, and the like, you're taking steps in that direction. Once you do, you may just find that happiness becomes a habit, and that it attracts people who feel similarly.

 

[MavrickWeirdo]

We can't make people love us by loving them.

That's so important, I'll say it again. We can't make people love us by loving them. Nor can we make people love us by making ourselves lovable. People who do this, who try to conform their behaviors to match a mate, come across as desperate, pathetic and needy. It's saying "you are more important than I am" at a stage where the default should be "you're as important as I am."

The best we can do is love ourselves and be comfortable in our own bodies, either by bolstering our own self-respect or making ourselves into the people that we want to be. When we're proud of ourselves and our behaviors, that attitude sends a powerful message to other people; it says 'not only am I not insecure, you have no power to make me feel insecure.' Once you do that, once you love who you are, you become more lovable to other people.

It's a terrible burden to have someone love you far more than you love them. It makes you feel guilty and obligated, and it drives people apart. This is why crushes never work in the long run. This is why pining for someone who is slipping away will just drive them away faster, and why stepping back from a failing relationship may sometimes help salvage part of it.

Make yourself happy - and I think by rejoining the filk community, and the like, you're taking steps in that direction. Once you do, you may just find that happiness becomes a habit, and that it attracts people who feel similarly.

Thank you. To be honest, that part of the "rant" was written with a certian amount of "ironic self-awareness", but it still does me good to have other people tell me what you said.

I can't make people love me by loving them.

I still love you, man

 

[Harmon]

With my heart and soul I hear you, Mav, I really do.

People change and its not always to your benefit. The love you give them, the compassion, and the kindness changes them (teaches them), sometimes it pulls them closer and sometimes it alters the way they see the world. They learned from you the love, the compassion, and the kindness, they learned a new way of looking at it and now they understand it. What you learned from them is the same, but your perspective, its not clear now, and more likes never will be clear.

Do yourself a favor- step up to her, kiss her cheek, give her a hug, and say- “thank you for teaching me what love is, thank you for giving me some of the best years of my life, I am going to miss you, but for you, for the love that I feel for you still- I let you go, find your true love.”

As always, my best wishes.

 

[Piratecat]

I still love you, man

Dude! Get off my leg! Ohhhhh, geez....

Seriously, there are two stages to a typical relationship.

The first is romantic love, or "They are more important than I am." This stage usually lasts a few weeks to a few years.

The second is "the honeymoon is over" stage, when romantic love fades. This is characterized by "I am more important than they are."

You really want to marry a person who you genuinely get along well with, because after the first stage ends, you still need to be around them. That goes for them too, of course. A few couples find an equilibrium between the two, and rarely couples maintain the first stage for their entire marriage, but I find this model an interesting way of evaluating my thought processes when I make a decision: if I know that KidCthulhu hates it if I leave dishes in the sink, but I really don't want to do dishes, what message is that sending?