When your significant other resents gaming

[Ghostwind]

We've read posts about getting your signicant other to start gaming, now here's something to throw out to the masses for opinions (non-flaming) on the reverse situation. How do you handle it when your significant other (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner) truly despises gaming and hates you when you choose to play? Is there a common tactic they use to make you feel guilty or bad about playing? Are you able to address the situation with them without it ending up in a full-blown argument? Just curious...

 

[alsih2o]

i played shortly in a game where some of the wives, and 1 husband had "margamerita" nite, they met upstairs and had mixed fruity drinks while we played, not for everyone, but it worked there...

 

[Xeriar]

We've read posts about getting your signicant other to start gaming, now here's something to throw out to the masses for opinions (non-flaming) on the reverse situation. How do you handle it when your significant other (husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner) truly despises gaming and hates you when you choose to play? Is there a common tactic they use to make you feel guilty or bad about playing? Are you able to address the situation with them without it ending up in a full-blown argument? Just curious...

That kindof depends on why they despise it. Personally, I generally despise such prejudice in the first place.

My belief in this, and knowledge of the faith people have in other beliefs has left more than one Christian with a more tolerant perspective. Of course, we were already pretty close friends (despite my leaving Christianity), and it sortof forced them to realize that it made sense.

 

[Valmur_Dwur]

Interesting question! My wife is not a gamer although I think that is my fault. We live out in the boonies and don't have a gaming group or gameshop or any of the other neccessaties to game I want to go to Gen-Con next year and wanted her and the kids to come along. She feels there won't be anything for her to do and the kids won't want to play with adults. Anyhoo the argument that followed was a classic in my house So short answer to your question, while my wife doesn't hate gaming and could be a convert with the right help she also is against new ideas and so finds my hobby "strange". Usually since I RP online exclusively, it becomes a "you care more about your computer than you do me" rant Still LOVE her and this is our 13th year together

 

[Crothian]

It really depends on how bad the situtaion is. For me, I game once a week and since I'm a player I really don't have to devote much other time throughout the week. So, this basically counts as one day with the guys. It'd be no different if it was a poker game, or getting together to watch football.

If one is DM<ing and spending a few nights preparing or playing in multiple games, I can see the problem. If that's the case I'd suggest compromising.

However, as I've seen with my friends, it's more about the other partner not understanding what we are doing. Had one friend who gamed. He got a girlfriend, she couldn't understand why we gamed and even after watching a session still didn't understand. So, she demanded he not game. And so we lost him.

One of my female friends had this to say about when her boyfriend games. She liked to know her bf was gaming. It's better then him going out to the bars or other activities.

 

[Furn_Darkside]

So, she demanded he not game. And so we lost him.

Hahahaha-- oh, that is rich. I am glad I am hermit.

As for advice- suggest the other use the gaming time to work on a hobby they enjoy.

I don't see why every aspect of a person's time needs to be shared when they are in a relationship.

Besides, if gaming is important to you, then you should make that clear early on in the relationship. If they have a problem with gaming, then it will become clear right then and there.

FD

 

[BiggusGeekus]

I think there is give and take in every relationship.

If the Significant Other doesn't like gaming and is, say, putting you through college while taking care of the kids and doing the dishes; then maybe you shouldn't be gaming. On the other hand, if it's just a once-a-week thing for 4-6 hours and you're holding up your end, then obviously sitting down to talk about the status of the relationship is needed.

I don't think of this as a "gaming" thing. It's a "how do we spend our time" thing. The fact that one person is gaming is entirely tangential.

 

[ancient_ones]

Luckily my girlfriend loves gaming so it's not an issue for me.But if she had a problem with it when I first met her she would've been out the door . I believe that your S.O should accept you for who you are if they start trying to "fix" you then it's time to find someone else.

 

[Henry]

I've been through literally every cycle you named.

First, is the resentment due to the hobby, or due to something else? I was once oblivious that I spent more time gaming with friends than I did with my wife (then, my girlfriend.) She had to point it out on a calendar to me to make me realize it. If you are gaming to the neglect of your family and outside social life, then there is a line that needs to be drawn, if you wish to include that person in your life. Find out if it is due to feelings of abandonment, or perhaps broken promises on your part, or some other self-caused neglect. In other words, make sure your OWN house is in order before you go down other avenues.

Second, find out if it is something that your partner feels lacking. Perhaps your partner needs to look into some outside interests, as well. It is not so good to wrap everything into one person, to the exclusion of all others. Picking a gaming day is a perfect time to get a little distance from one another - because quite frankly, while every relationship needs unity, it also needs smatterings of distance, as well. My wife enjoys my game days, because she has said numerous times that if I never gamed, she'd blow my brains out. It's something that completes her, just like her hobbies do.
I'm willing to bet that even gaming couples on these boards have some hobbies or activities that they do apart from one another.

Third, people marry each other all over the world, thinking that they are going to "change" this person into something more suitable to them. NEWS FLASH: It ain't gonna happen. If that person wants to remain true to themselves, and happy in general, they shouldn't be forced to give up constructive things that are very important to them. Moderation is one thing, but alteration is something else altogether. If someone married you with the understanding that you have a hobby that you are passionate about, then IN NO CIRCUMSTANCE should you be expected to change who you are by giving it up.

By the same token, anyone with religious convictions against RPG's should not get involved with someone who roleplays. You are then asking THAT person to change something fundamental to who they are, and you are asking for the same amount of trouble. There's nothing wrong with explaining to that person the truth about RPG's, but if you both go into a union diametrically opposed on a critical opinion like that one, then you are again asking for trouble.

Finally, for anyone whose spouse is totally against gaming, just on its principle, ask them to roleplay, or ask them to sit in on a session, just to let them know what is going on. Sometimes, the mysterious aspect some people give to gaming is a detriment, and the spouse assumes something nefarious or not above-board is going on. Nothing dispels myths like empirical evidence.

 

[Ashrem Bayle]

Choices

Well, my wife , while interested, doesn't game. Of course, neither does she mind our gaming every weekend.

Some people aren't going to like what I'm about to say, but here it is anyway.

If your significant other hates role-playing to such a degree that they resent you for it, you have a hard choice to make.

Gaming vs. Girlfriend (or boyfriend)

You WILL have to make that choice.

Most would say that a potential spouse is more important than a game, and they are right. However, if your girlfriend or whatever is forcing you to choose between them and a harmless pastime that you love, you are better off choosing the game.

Why?

If you really love someone, you don't force choices like that on them. It is just a game and can't be balanced with a relationship. They know this and that is why that tactic is used. It is unfair and VERY selfish.

Would you really want to be with someone that will do that to you?

Oh yea, and if you are already married and you face this problem... well... I'm truly sorry for you. Enjoy it while it lasts because either you are going to be miserable, or you're going to be divorced.

Of course, this is all just my opinion. I could be wrong.