When your significant other resents gaming

[fett527]

I think that was well said Xeriar.

Ghostwind,
I'm sorry I'm not a female gamer to give you that perspective, but our situations are similar. My wife would not only not shed a tear she would probably break out into applause if my gaming stuff was destroyed no matter what the circumstances. Our problem is that she feels all free time, time outside of work, should be spent with the significant other. No matter what. She doesn't seem to need to spend time with her friends without me on a regular basis. This fundamental difference is the source of our arguments, D&D just magnifies because of her perception of it. I need to spend time with the guys and we just happen to love to play D&D. I had to sit down and convince her that the major reason I do this is to be with friends. That she could at least tolerate. Try and make your wife understand this is important to you for more than just playing D&D. It's time with the guys or something of the like. You may have to sacrifice other guy activities like watching football (or whatever), but you have to make choices. I almost never do other activities with the friends I game with. It was a sacrifice. I hope I've helped or at least given you the comfort that you're not the only one in this situation.

 

[Ridley's Cohort]

I am with Blackmoria.

I think it is unlikely the time you actually spend gaming is the real issue. It is most probable that resentment over other unresolved issues come to a boil when the subject of gaming comes up.

To be blunt, IMHO, I think you need to take a fresh look at whatever other issues are in your marriage. If those are addressed a fair understanding can probably be negotiated out over gaming.

To put things in "perspective", the fact that you spend ~5 hours a month away from the family wasting your time on an absolutely useless activity with some old friends is not something your wife should get distressed about if things are otherwise going well.

I am not really sure what to make about the anti-D&D intolerance factor. The fact she actually tried it suggests she is not a rabid religious fanatic about it, and it can be negotiated over.

 

[Helspar]

My buddy's wife caught him gaming once and oh boy was there trouble! Now a days he tells her we're going to the bar to get drunk, and if she think's he's lying then he goes to the backup plan and admits he was watching porn at his friend's place, that seems to be the lesser of the two evils apparently.

 

[pogre]

Playing Poker

One of the guys in my old campaign group used tell his SO he was going out to play poker with the boys for our weekly session. He would give me $10.00 a week and about six weeks later I would give him the $50 back. He would buy her a present with his winnings and it worked wonderfully.

I normally would not advocate lying in a relationship, but poker and RPGs are both games and for some reason a lot of women seem to be more tolerant of an illegal poker game than RPGing.

My wide really resents the time loss, which I totally understand. She gamed with me quite a bit before we had kids. I'm sure she will pick it up again as our kids grow older. She's unbelievably tolerant, but I do have to limit my gaming to about once every ten days or so.

Some of my players yell "Where are your priorities? I'm almost 16th level!" They really understand though.

 

[Ds Da Man]

Interesting question! My wife is not a gamer although I think that is my fault. We live out in the boonies and don't have a gaming group or gameshop or any of the other neccessaties to game I want to go to Gen-Con next year and wanted her and the kids to come along. She feels there won't be anything for her to do and the kids won't want to play with adults. Anyhoo the argument that followed was a classic in my house So short answer to your question, while my wife doesn't hate gaming and could be a convert with the right help she also is against new ideas and so finds my hobby "strange". Usually since I RP online exclusively, it becomes a "you care more about your computer than you do me" rant Still LOVE her and this is our 13th year together

Well, I'm an Indiana boy who has a daughter who is 7, and a boy who is 4. If next years a problem, we can schedule to meet at the doors, and my wife can take them to the zoo, or back at my home (I've got a nice above ground pool). Just a thought! Grab my e-mail and we'll send some messages back and forth.

 

[Creamsteak]

It really depends on how bad the situtaion is. For me, I game once a week and since I'm a player I really don't have to devote much other time throughout the week. So, this basically counts as one day with the guys. It'd be no different if it was a poker game, or getting together to watch football.

If one is DM<ing and spending a few nights preparing or playing in multiple games, I can see the problem. If that's the case I'd suggest compromising.

However, as I've seen with my friends, it's more about the other partner not understanding what we are doing. Had one friend who gamed. He got a girlfriend, she couldn't understand why we gamed and even after watching a session still didn't understand. So, she demanded he not game. And so we lost him.

One of my female friends had this to say about when her boyfriend games. She liked to know her bf was gaming. It's better then him going out to the bars or other activities.

Me and my allies of good (or evil to others) have termed this Dale-Jo I believe... something about "when a person drops his friends for his girlfriend and doesn't think twice" or something. Maybe one of them could explain it better.

 

[Mark Chance]

My advice...

There are other personal issues between us which I will not drag out into this forum. I was mainly concerned in coming up with new ideas or tactics to approach matters from a fresh perspective. There hasn't been a whole lot of imput from the female gamers to this thread and I would like to hear the female point of view to this situation. Any takers?

After nearly 10 years of marriage, two kids, one cat, and nothing ever approaching a heated argument or discussion, here's what I've found works as a starting point:

1. Ask her what she wants regarding the gaming.

2. Tell her what you want regarding the gaming.

3. Make sure she knows she is the most important part of your life.

4. Ask her to come up with a compromise that takes into consideration both 1 and 2.

5. Make a date to discuss the compromise.

6. Never forget number 3.

All of the macho posturing, the love me the way I am or leave me chest-thumping, is simply asinine. As you say, divorce is not an option, so if there really does come a point in time where the choice is gaming or my wife, I choose my wife.

That is the only choice any real man could make.

 

[Buttercup]

There are other personal issues between us which I will not drag out into this forum. I was mainly concerned in coming up with new ideas or tactics to approach matters from a fresh perspective. There hasn't been a whole lot of imput from the female gamers to this thread and I would like to hear the female point of view to this situation. Any takers?

I've been reading this thread, but haven't replied because I'm not sure what to say.

I think that it makes a relationship more healthy if each person has some independent interests. I also think that a relationship will not last if there is no compromise with good grace. Let's speak hypothetically here. If my husband played the tuba (he doesn't!) and I hated it, but it was very important to him, we would have to find a way to work this out. Maybe he would only practice when I wasn't home, or maybe he would go in the basement to play. But whatever we came up with, my part of the bargain would be to accept his hobby with good grace after that, not to keep grousing at him. It isn't compromise if one person always gets their way, nor is it compromise if one person gets to complain afterward. I think that sounds pretty harsh, but frankly, I think your wife is being unreasonable.

You live in a conservative community, but I think she worries too much about what other people think. I know more than a bit about Fort Wayne, as it happens. If you were an interracial couple, many people would despise you. If you were Jewish, many would hate you. So would you try to keep those things secret? I trust not. You would say, 'screw your biggoted attitudes' and expect people to behave as decent, civil adults. It isn't the business of your wife's coworkers what you do in your spare time. It has nothing to do with her professional performance.

Having said that, my staff doesn't know about my hobby, either. But that isn't because I'm ashamed of it, it's because I limit the amount of personal information I share with subordinates. Two of the people who play in my game work for the same organization I do, but in different departments.

The bottom line, Ghostwind, is that I really can't help you. It sounds to me like her issue with gaming is really masking a larger issue, and I'm very sorry if that's true. Since you say that divorce isn't an option, perhaps you should consider marriage counseling.