Women Gamers vs. PCs/DMs Significant Others
- Thread starter Queen_Dopplepopolis
- Start date
Rafael Ceurdepyr
First Post
Despite my screen name (and the fact that I usually play male characters), I'm a female who got into gaming independently of a significant other, waaay back in 1976 or 77. I first heard of D&D from a friend of my brother's. I fell in with a Star Trek club in high school--mostly guys--and at some point started gaming with them, mostly D&D but also Rolemaster, Metamorphosis: Alpha, MERPS, Call of Cthulhu. I did end up dating a member of the group. (I've always found I had more interests in common with guys than with girls anyway.)
(At one point, I actually played a D&D session with my almost-ex-husband and my future--and present--husband [what was I thinking??], but that's a whooooole 'nother story.)
Donna, AKA
(At one point, I actually played a D&D session with my almost-ex-husband and my future--and present--husband [what was I thinking??], but that's a whooooole 'nother story.)
Donna, AKA
Davelozzi
Explorer
My wife is currently the only woman in our group (I'm the DM). She enjoys playing, but is usually the first one ready to call it a night and probably would not be playing if not for me. We used to have one another girl in our group, a mutual friend of everyone involved. She seemed to enjoy the games we played in college but got bored with the current campaign and dropped out about a year ago.
fuindordm
Hero
I've known eight female gamers, and none of these joined the game because they wanted to do it with their SO. Some were more passionate about it than the guys, others were more casual about it. I've known 3 women (including my wife) who tried the game because their SOs liked it, had a bit of fun, but decided it wasn't their thing and dropped out.
It's very common to find women who are deeply into fantasy literature, which often feeds into other outlets such as SCA, LARPs, RPGs, and so forth. The ones who are really passionate about it quickly find boyfriends who are also gamers, and have their pick of the cream of the crop because the ratio is so favorable.
A similar situation holds in astrophysics, my own field. Something like 90% of female astronomers/astrophysicists are married to other astro folks, but the reverse certainly isn't true!
Ben
It's very common to find women who are deeply into fantasy literature, which often feeds into other outlets such as SCA, LARPs, RPGs, and so forth. The ones who are really passionate about it quickly find boyfriends who are also gamers, and have their pick of the cream of the crop because the ratio is so favorable.
A similar situation holds in astrophysics, my own field. Something like 90% of female astronomers/astrophysicists are married to other astro folks, but the reverse certainly isn't true!
Ben
Evilhalfling
Adventurer
My group has one girl, who is the the wife of another player. They are the two youngest in the group. They started playing togeather, as when I met them they had books but no real experiance. The guy has developed as a rules lawyer while she is more or less indifferent to the rules. She enjoys some of the games, but is prolly more in it for the social aspects than the gaming.
My wife only plays one-shots with pregen characters, and serves as a sounding board and occasional co-writer of my campaigns. But otherwise steers clear of the table. (although she reads KODT avidly)
My wife only plays one-shots with pregen characters, and serves as a sounding board and occasional co-writer of my campaigns. But otherwise steers clear of the table. (although she reads KODT avidly)
Desdichado
Legend
At one point, we were 50/50 split; four husbands and their wives, all part of the same group. My wife was clearly there just to humor me and be social; she had little interest in continuing to game once the initial mini-campaigns we were playing ended.
Another wife was clearly there to socialize more than game, and in fact probably used the fact that her husband used to game in college as an excuse to get involved in this group again. Neither of them are currently in our group anymore, although we still see them and do other things with them from time to time.
Another wife was introduced by her husband, but clearly enjoyed gaming as well. She only enjoyed it to a point, though -- she quickly became bored if it wasn't a bit hack and slash in style. That couple has since moved back to Texas, so they're not part of our group anymore.
Another wife was also introduced by her husband, but also clearly enjoys gaming as well. In fact, at one point, her husband was ready to hang up his gaming spurs and give the hobby up, and she wouldn't let him, saying something to the effect of, "this is the only hobby of yours that I enjoy too, so we're going to keep doing it together!"
They are both still in our group, and in fact, she's running our Eberron game currently.
The rest of our group is made up to two men that have joined us more recently, and their wives also do not game.
Another wife was clearly there to socialize more than game, and in fact probably used the fact that her husband used to game in college as an excuse to get involved in this group again. Neither of them are currently in our group anymore, although we still see them and do other things with them from time to time.
Another wife was introduced by her husband, but clearly enjoyed gaming as well. She only enjoyed it to a point, though -- she quickly became bored if it wasn't a bit hack and slash in style. That couple has since moved back to Texas, so they're not part of our group anymore.
Another wife was also introduced by her husband, but also clearly enjoys gaming as well. In fact, at one point, her husband was ready to hang up his gaming spurs and give the hobby up, and she wouldn't let him, saying something to the effect of, "this is the only hobby of yours that I enjoy too, so we're going to keep doing it together!"
They are both still in our group, and in fact, she's running our Eberron game currently.The rest of our group is made up to two men that have joined us more recently, and their wives also do not game.
Queen_Dopplepopolis
First Post
Algolei said:Huh, good point! I often read that as meaning, "So there's no romantic interest and I'm not giving her special treatment." Maybe I'm just soft in the head though. Or covering up for one of my own failings many years ago (when I, as the DM, let *her* have a purple pony just because she wanted one.[I've never admitted that before; it burns, it burns!!])
That's hilarious. However, I understand where you're coming from on the female end of things... I often times demand that my DM husband give me a unicorn... or a white horse named Starlite that can run on rainbows so that I can be just like my childhood hero, Rainbow Brite... the closest I ever got was a horse named Stardust in a one-shot, though.
Algolei said:
When I orginially started this thread last night (this morning?) this is the response that I expected from most guys.
I am in my 30s and I have gamed regularly with three women over the past decade or so. A few comments:
I recruited my ex to gaming and I have to say that the transition between her being involved because of our romantic attachment to being involved independent of any romantic attachment has been pretty seamless. That stated, although we ceased to be together 8.5 years ago, although she really likes gaming, she has only been involved in games with which I have been associated either directly or indirectly.
The other female gamers with whom I have been associated were also both recruited by their significant others and, again, their involvement in gaming outlasted these relationships.
I understand from those WOTC marketing statistics and some theorizing of my own that RPG involvement has gradually ceased, over time, to be strongly gendered male. But for people of my generation and older (I'm 32), our perceptions of gaming were shaped at an earlier time. So I would wager that for both men and women born in the mid 70s or earlier, RPGs will always be strongly associated with the male gender (but, paradoxically not with masculinity). I would therefore expect that tales of involvement/recruitment in gaming for women in their late 20s and older, are going to centre around romantic relationships.
You ask for the cause or catalyst for the women I have encountered in my gaming career to move from "DM's wife" to just another player. I cannot recall any such moment; there are the moments where one realizes that this has happened but that is different. The transitions I have seen have tended to be gradual and even transitions.
Although not a direct response to your question, I am curious about something else in the same vein: how important a motivation for staying with the hobby is the constant ego reinforcement female gamers receive concerning their desirability? This seems a strong, often-seen social dynamic in gaming communities I have encountered. In fact I recently witnessed another such group and described it to a friend as "the women with low standards and the men who love them."
I recruited my ex to gaming and I have to say that the transition between her being involved because of our romantic attachment to being involved independent of any romantic attachment has been pretty seamless. That stated, although we ceased to be together 8.5 years ago, although she really likes gaming, she has only been involved in games with which I have been associated either directly or indirectly.
The other female gamers with whom I have been associated were also both recruited by their significant others and, again, their involvement in gaming outlasted these relationships.
I understand from those WOTC marketing statistics and some theorizing of my own that RPG involvement has gradually ceased, over time, to be strongly gendered male. But for people of my generation and older (I'm 32), our perceptions of gaming were shaped at an earlier time. So I would wager that for both men and women born in the mid 70s or earlier, RPGs will always be strongly associated with the male gender (but, paradoxically not with masculinity). I would therefore expect that tales of involvement/recruitment in gaming for women in their late 20s and older, are going to centre around romantic relationships.
You ask for the cause or catalyst for the women I have encountered in my gaming career to move from "DM's wife" to just another player. I cannot recall any such moment; there are the moments where one realizes that this has happened but that is different. The transitions I have seen have tended to be gradual and even transitions.
Although not a direct response to your question, I am curious about something else in the same vein: how important a motivation for staying with the hobby is the constant ego reinforcement female gamers receive concerning their desirability? This seems a strong, often-seen social dynamic in gaming communities I have encountered. In fact I recently witnessed another such group and described it to a friend as "the women with low standards and the men who love them."
Thornir Alekeg
Albatross!
Back when I was a teenager, some 20 years ago 
my gaming was mostly in the back room of the local hobby store. There were two women (OK, at the time they were girls) who came regularly. Both were great players and brought this strange and intersting element to the games called roleplaying. We boys had some trouble adjusting to this idea, but eventually started to catch on. One of the girls' character always had a supply of mice which she would use to test potions and do other risky things. One DM used to create entire dungeons devised solely to kill off her mice. I beleive she still games occasionally. The other girl met a guy in college who converted her to a fundamentalist christian and she tried to get my friends and I to turn away from the evils of gaming, drinking and pre-marital sex...not the best way to stay in touch with your male, college-aged friends
Since then:
There was one woman I knew who only started playing because she wanted to get to know me (nice ego trip there, huh?). When we broke up, she stopped gaming completely.
I got my wife started in gaming. She had always been interested in playing, but never had the opportunity. We still have her pristine copy of the purple Basic Set in the basement.
One woman joined a group we were in because the DM gave her an ultimatum. She used to come watch her fiancee play in our group and would make suggestions - usually excellent ones that drove the DM crazy. The DM finally told her she either had to roll up a character or keep quiet.
My current large group started out with four women (my wife is one) and five men. One woman just came for the gaming, and when later she met and married a guy who also gamed, he joined our group. Another came with her significant other, but they had been a gaming couple for years. The other woman played as a way to introduce her husband to gaming. She played although she was never all that interested in it, but knew her husband would enjoy it. Once he felt comfortable with the group, she dropped out.
my gaming was mostly in the back room of the local hobby store. There were two women (OK, at the time they were girls) who came regularly. Both were great players and brought this strange and intersting element to the games called roleplaying. We boys had some trouble adjusting to this idea, but eventually started to catch on. One of the girls' character always had a supply of mice which she would use to test potions and do other risky things. One DM used to create entire dungeons devised solely to kill off her mice. I beleive she still games occasionally. The other girl met a guy in college who converted her to a fundamentalist christian and she tried to get my friends and I to turn away from the evils of gaming, drinking and pre-marital sex...not the best way to stay in touch with your male, college-aged friendsSince then:
There was one woman I knew who only started playing because she wanted to get to know me (nice ego trip there, huh?). When we broke up, she stopped gaming completely.
I got my wife started in gaming. She had always been interested in playing, but never had the opportunity. We still have her pristine copy of the purple Basic Set in the basement.
One woman joined a group we were in because the DM gave her an ultimatum. She used to come watch her fiancee play in our group and would make suggestions - usually excellent ones that drove the DM crazy. The DM finally told her she either had to roll up a character or keep quiet.
My current large group started out with four women (my wife is one) and five men. One woman just came for the gaming, and when later she met and married a guy who also gamed, he joined our group. Another came with her significant other, but they had been a gaming couple for years. The other woman played as a way to introduce her husband to gaming. She played although she was never all that interested in it, but knew her husband would enjoy it. Once he felt comfortable with the group, she dropped out.
CronoDekar
First Post
My first DM was in fact a female friend, and she was in fact one who prodded me into joining (not a girlfriend -- by that time she had come out). I suppose I can't say for sure what got her into gaming, but knowing her she probably started playing out of curiousity. She still plays in the two campaigns our group runs.
I can't ever say I've thought of her as anything else as "one of the players" -- instead of a "female gamer" she's just always been to me a "player that happens to be female." Hell, it wasn't until earlier this year that I really had the thought "my first DM was female."
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