World's Most Usless Spells

[Vurt]

I'm a big fan of Detect Self myself. *clickity-click* Oh, golly, look what I found on my hard disk! Original poster unknown:

Abonement
Acid Dog
Acid Fig
Invisibility Puree
True Peeing
Agitate Dead
Altar Self
Alter Serf
Power Word, Stub!
Anger Deity
Animal Shades
Animate Dad
Animate Deaf
Animate Dope
Animate Pope
Legend Lure
AntiKathy
Antilife Smell
Antilime Shell
Antimagic Wield
Antipatsy
Antiplant Shelf
Arcane Bark
Arcane
Arcane Dye
Arcane Lark
Arcane Mare
Arcane Mork
Arcane Park
Asmor
Astray Projection
Bartskin
Bay of Frost
Bead Magic
Beer Spray
Bestow Purse
Bigby's Bitch-Slapping Hand
Bigby's Brushing Hand
Bigby's Gesticulating hand
Bigby's Insulting Hand
Bigby's Interposing Band
Blame Barrier
Blaming Sphere
Blech
Bleep
Blow
Blue Screen of Death
Bold Person
Bonding
Bone
Horrid Jilting
Burning Hinds
Burping Hands
Plank Shift
Sanding
Cats Disgrace
Cause Bear
Remove Bear
Cause Dear
Remove Dear
Cause Lear
Cause Pear
Cause Tear
Chain Lighting
Change Melf
Changestiff
Changestuff
Chaos Hummer
Charm Friends
Charm Munster
Charm Parson
Charm Undead
Chart Person
Chart Person
Chatter
Child Touch
Chill Couch
Cloudkilt
Cold Portal
Colon Spray
Command Pants
Control Heather
Control Waiter
Control Winos
Contusion
Count
Crap the Soul
Create Waiter
Creeping Room
Crone
Crying Eyes
Cure Light Pounds
Cure Light/Minor/Moderate/Serious Hounds
Cure Moderate Pounds
Dancing Fights
Dancing Tights
Day of Frost
Death Bard
Defecate
Defect Evil
Delusionary Script
Demotion
Desistance
Detect Detection
Detect Manic
Detect Normal Fires
Detect Polson
Detect Secret Bores
Detect Secret Odors
Detect Secret Whores
Detect Self
Detect Traps
Detest Magic
Dickum
Dimension Whore
Diminish Pants
Dish
Dispel Food and Water
Dispel Rumor
Dispel Self
Dissect Magic
Divine Flavor
Divine Pow-wow
Dog of Everburning
Dolor Splay
Dominate Munster
Dope Trick
Dorkvision
Dorm
Drawmij's Instant Simmons
Endure Elephants
Evard's Black Spectacles
Evard's Black Testicle
Expeditious Defeat
Expeditious Retread
Explosive Dunes
Explosive Prunes
Explosive Tunes
Farcecage
Farm
Feather Ball
Feather Call
Fight
Find the Math
Fire Crap
Fire Sleds
Fireballs
Firebull
Fish
Fold Portal
ForbidDance
ForceRage
Fry
Full Strength
Gall of Stone
Gaseous Firm
Gaze
Gentle Repost
Ghost Hound
Ghost Mound
Ghost Pound
Ghost Wound
Ghoul Torch
Glare
Glitterlust
Goober-ry
Good Shape
Gosh Sound
Protect Image
Summon Smarm
Delayed Blase Fireball
Greater Tragic Weapon
Grue Resurrection
Grue Seeing
Grue Strike
Hemp Oral Stasis
Heroe's Beast
Hold Munster
Holy World
Holy Worm
Horrid Kilting
Horrid Silting
Mireball
Hump
Hypnotic Patton
Ice Stork
Illusory Will
Inflict Serious Mounds
Keep Edge
Lass Charm
Legend Bore
Legend Gore
Lending
Leomud's Secret Breast
Leomud's Tiny Smut
Leomunds Magnificent Manhole
Leomund's Secure Smelter
Leomund's Tiny Love
Leomunds Tiny Rut
Lesser Planar Bonding
Lightning Dolt
Lime Stop
Limited Fish
LiveOrk
Lose Familiar
Love Earth
Lure Light Hounds
Mage Ardor
Mage Band
Mage Land
Magic Bar
Magic Fissile
Magic Missal
Magic Month
Magic Muscle
Magic Scone
Magic Tang
Make Whale
Mallow
Manic Missile.
Manic Mouth
Manic Weapon
Massage
Mast Paste
Melf's Acid Marrow
Melf's Acid Narrow
Melf's Arid Sparrow
Melf's Arid Arrow
Melt into Stone
Mime Stop
Mind Fig
Fig Cloud
Acid Fig
Modify Mamory
Mold Person
Mordenkainan's Dysfunction
Mordenkainen's Low-Rent Apartment
Mordenkainen's Magnificent Manson
Mordenkainen's Misfunction
Mordikienians Frightend Hound
NightMart
Nondefection
Null Strength
Nystul's Undetectable Air
Obscuring Mint
Obscurring Cyst
Obsuring Fist
Mare Armor
Male Armor
Paste
Phage Armor
Phantasmal Miller. Illusory
Phantom Seed
Phantom Steer
Phartasmal Force
Plant Shift
Play Living
Player
Polymorph Mother
Power Word, Get Lost
Produce Blame
Produce Tire
Protection from Cabbage
Protection from Food
Protection from Slaw
Protection from Gold
Protection from Munchkin 10' Radius
Protection from Self
Protection from Smells
Protection from Wood
Punburst
Putrify Food and Drink
Raise Bread
Ransom Action
Rape Trick
Rary's Psychopathic (James) Bond
Rary's Telepathic Band
Rat of Enfeeblement
Rat of Frost
Rat's Trace
Read Manic
Reap Magic
Relay Poison
Remove Hands
Remove Nurse
Bestow Nurse
Remove Purse
Resurrect Self
Rope Truck
Scold Person
Scone Shape
Score
Sculpt Wound
Semester
Sepia Snake Vigil
Shallow
Shape Word
Shatner
Sheep
Sheet Storm
Shield Otter
Shocking Gramp
Shocking Grass
Shucking Grasp
Silent mage
Sinbeam
Slaw
Slur
Smell Immunity
Smell Resistance
Smell Turning
Snore
Solid Fag
Solid Log
Spay Living.
Speak with Dean
Speak with Mead
Speak with Pants
Spectral Hans
Spell Burning
Spill Immunity
Spocking Grasp
Statute
Stay Living
Stinking Clod
Summon Chip
Summon Mature Ally I to IX
Summon Monster Ill
Summon Mother-In-Law
Summon Munster I to IX
Summon Munster I-IX
Summon Nature's Elly
Summon Stuffed Animals I to IX
Swear A Blue Streak
Swear A Blue Streak 10' Radius
Tasha's Hideous Daughter
Tasha's Uncontrollable Sex Drive
Telefragged Without Error
Teleport Without Errol
Tenser's Floating Desk
Tenser's Floating Dick
Tenser's Floating Risk
Imbue with Smell Ability
Tragic Missile
Tragic Weapon
Transmute Dud to Rock
Transmute Metal to Good
Transmute Pud to Rock
Transmute Rock to Dud
Transmute Water to Bust
Trap the Soil
True Peeing
True Stripe
True Stride
Unseen Sermon
Vampiric Torch
Varnish
Vault Undead
Veal
Wall of Farce
Wall of Fighters
Wall of Iraq
Wall of Mice
Wall of Mire
Wall of Pron
Wall of Tron
Wall of Vice
Wash
Wino Walk
Wood Share
Wound Burst
X-rated version

 

[psyekl]

--Plausible Unnoticeability: The spell's target is invisible as long as no one looks at him.

--Clean Scent: Makes body odor smell like flowers.

--Wintergreen: Makes very dim sparkles appear in the target's mouth.

--Stuff: teleports a random mundane object of no more than 1 pound into the caster's hand.

--Make Mud: Produces a puddle of mud...material components: a bucket of water and a small amount of dirt.

--Kerchief: Produces a string of colored hankerchiefs from the caster's sleeve.

 

[jonesy]

magic miss isle - creates the illusion for the caster that he is standing on an island full of single women

friarball - a fat friar is launched from the casters fingertips at the pointed target

hasten - gives everything else but the caster the effects of haste

telefort - instantly creates a sand (or, depending on the material available mud/snow/etc.) castle around the caster

cone of mold - what, I need to explain it?

dayvision - the caster gains the ability to see (only) 60 feet in total daylight

create fun - let the laughter begin

dispel fun - the fun stops now

ogre hands - the casters hands turn very very dirty and they smell weird

rock to rock - turns rock into a different kind of rock

mud to blood - ugh

egami rorrim - the caster turns into a complete mirror image of himself

rainbow - oh look, a rainbow

read writing - the caster is suddenly able to read any writing (he only understands the ones he is familiar with though)

make big - something turns big

irate - makes the target irate

 

[welby]

Shatter Sole
Creates a hole in someone's boot

Magic Missive
Creates a letter that simply must be delivered

Cone of Ice (cream)
Everyone loves ice cream!

Bigby's Waving Hand
For when you can't say goodbye in person

See Visible
When someone asks, "did you see that?" never say no again

Answer
Reply to a question someone has just asked

Spell Magic
M-A-G-I-C

Hide Item
Attempts to hide an item where you cannot find it

Animate Living
Ever wonder what you'd look like as a cartoon?

 

[Sejs]

Burning Hans!

Melf's Flaccid Arrow.

Lightning Blot.

Leomund's Risky Tax Shelter.

Protection from Elvis, 10' radius.

Shocking Gasp.

Clownkill.

Cloudkrill.

Cone of Common Cold.

Dimention Doorknob.

Telepork / Telepork without Error.

Soap-on-a-Rope Trick.

Pope Trick.

Rice Storm.

Lamestrike.

 

[Umbra]

I have a vague memory that Dragon Magazine had an April Fool's article years ago with things like the Summon Monster Cantrip (Caster yells at top of voice "Here I am!"). Maybe someone has the article...

 

[TheFan]

One time my DM was attempting to read my character sheet. This is easier said than done considering I have worse handwriting than most 4-year-olds. This led to a hilarous discussion where we tried to figure out what a spell like what she thought it was would be like. Thus, my bard now has:

Unseen Gervald

Summons a misshapen green dwarf that runs around with its hands over its eyes saying "You can't see me!" until the duration expires.

 

[Sado]

I'm a big fan of Detect Self myself. *clickity-click* Oh, golly, look what I found on my hard disk! Original poster unknown:

Abonement
Acid Dog
Acid Fig...
...Wood Share
Wound Burst
X-rated version

I couldn't even finish reading the list!!

Charm Undead! Anger Deity! I love it!

 

[kirinke]

Cabbage Cube = Creates a cube of boiled cabagge around an opponent

Cure Warts in Church Ladies = a swampy mist surrounds a bunch of little old ladies, curing them of warts. Only problem is they'll stink for a week

Cursed Blob of Immaturity = your opponents are drenched in a sticky mass of sweat syrup and begin to behave like adolescent children. Spoiled, adolescent children.

Dispell Incontinence = ummmm.... you can go to the bathroom now.

Dispell Nervousness in Cobblers = cobblers are no longer nervous in the face leather.

Dread Urine Sphere = that's just ewww

Erruption of Steak Sauce a fountain of steak sauce erupts out of nowhere, drenching your opponents in yummy goodness.

Heal Annoyance = those who annoy you don't.

Heal Arrogance in Elves = hey, look a humble elf. now that is a sight to behold.

Heavenly Pool of Vindictiveness and now we really get annoying....

Invoke Constipation = your opponents double over in pain as their bowels pack up with um.....

Mystic Wall of Irregularity = if you run into it, you get the runs.

Halitosis Elemental a random air elemental curses your opponents with dandruf and flaking skin.

Create Crossdressing = your opponents suddenly find them selves wearing clothing suited for the opposite gender.

Disc of Coffee = a disk of hot coffee appears before you

Occult Storm of Flatulence = a loud bang deafens all within earshot and fills the area with the clouds of sulfur and methane

Sweat Pool - a sweaty pool of liquid appears under your opponents

Summon Cheese Entity = a cheesy entity comes forth, shouting 'No one can resist the power of CHEESE'!

Holy Cube of Cramps = A mysterious pink cage forms around your opponents making them double over in cramps

 

[Evilhalfling]

I have a vague memory that Dragon Magazine had an April Fool's article years ago with things like the Summon Monster Cantrip (Caster yells at top of voice "Here I am!"). Maybe someone has the article...

issue 114 - a mobius strip scroll -
where all the spells names were shifted slightly
Find terrain - range touch
Explosive familiar
Invisable Runes
Wizards stalker - range 1"
Bigby's interposing eye
Remove hand - range personal
audible curse
Hallucinatory glamer

scroll # 2
Burning mouth
locate hands
detect object
Feign Invisiblity
Drawmij Instant Death
Magic summons

scroll 3 #
wall of missles
minor globe of iron
monster invulriblity
fools summoning III
protection from normal gold